Why is limerence (love) so bad?

[Graca]

First of all sorry for my english. English is not my native language.

I read this topics a lot and I was wondering why when someone becomes in love with someone else everyone says that is not a real love, and that that feelings are fake? How could it be if people leave their marriages (witch are not all bed), leave their families for that "fake" feeling. Way majority of you sad that feeling (limerence) is fake if is so strong. Why are you so sure that if marriage is abandon for another that new relationship will end badly? Why new relationship with a lover could not be with happy ending? 

I have so many questions because Im in a struggle now. 

Edited April 19, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DKT3]

Its usually unhealthy.  Limerence is different than love because it's a fantasy illusion base attachment.

Affairs turned relationship can be a good relationship.  Most often they will fail. Not because it was an affair but because mostly unhealthy people have affairs,  unhealthy people will almost always ruin relationships or bail when it gets tough. 

[Graca]

Thank you for your answer. Do you think that people who have affair can´t have and be in a healthy relationship. That means that they can´t save neither their marriage neither be in other relationship with another person.

[Difficultstuff]

It's not the case that 'limerence' is necessarily bad or a 'fake' feeling. It's just a concept used to describe in more precise ways what a lot of people would call 'infatuation' or 'being in love' in the early stages, when you absolutely cannot think about anyone else, want to be with the other person all of the time etc. And there are physiological, hormonal changes that occur with that.

So if two people have limerence for each other, and both are single, that is how a relationship may start, and, as the limerence fades (if it does) they hopefully can move forward on the basis of their shared goals, interests, and mutual attraction and respect, making a different, more enduring form of love.

The problems start when (i) you have limerence for someone who does not reciprocate it, (ii) when you have limerence for someone totally unsuitable for you as a long-term partner, and (iii), as you'll see on these boards, when the other person is married/in a relationship.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your questions. But it does seem that, most of the time, people who have affairs are not able to turn them into real, healthy, enduring relationships. Mostly this is because those who are married are not willing or able to leave their partners. Or, if they do, they do it when they are most 'limerent' and do not understand that those feelings usually wear off.

You don't say what your situation is, but it sounds like you may be involved in an affair. It would help people to respond if you said why you are asking these questions.

[heartwhole2]

50 minutes ago, Graca said:

Thank you for your answer. Do you think that people who have affair can´t have and be in a healthy relationship. That means that they can´t save neither their marriage neither be in other relationship with another person.

I believe that affairs are usually symptoms of issues that a person has -- immaturity, selfishness, lack of empathy, poor communication skills, lack of self-awareness, etc. Those issues make a healthy relationship impossible until they are addressed.

Seeing your issues clearly and developing the resilience to change them takes a lot of effort and time . . . it's the work of many years. The odds that someone will put in the time and effort while dealing with a divorce and starting a new relationship with the OP are slim. People who do this tend to believe that they are unhappy because of their marriage, when the truth is that the unhappy marriage is an extension of unaddressed issues. You may have a new partner but you're still the same old you.

People can grow and change but it doesn't happen overnight. It's like training for a marathon. 

[Graca]

Yes I am in EA and my feelings are strong. The AP have feelings for me to. We both are married. We were just friends before. Before the affair I was not attracted to AP at all. She is not my type at all. It all begun when we go to a team building trip. We get drunk and first night end up kissing. With her I feel like never before.. or am in a fog.. I read abouth a lot and Im realy confuse if this feeling are real and what kind of life could I have if I leave my wife and marry AP. The AP is 5 years older than me.

[pepperbird]

2 hours ago, Graca said:

Thank you for your answer. Do you think that people who have affair can´t have and be in a healthy relationship. That means that they can´t save neither their marriage neither be in other relationship with another person.

op,
it's always a good idea to finish one relationship before starting another. Limerance isn't love because it's not based on anything real. It's based on attraction and an awful lot of projection, wishful thinking and filling in the blanks. It makes sense, as it's usually happens between people who don't know each other all that well.
Limerance can be the first step on the road to love, but it's a long way from there to a true, lasting deep connection.

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, Graca said:

Yes I am in EA and my feelings are strong. The AP have feelings for me to. We both are married. We were just friends before. Before the affair I was not attracted to AP at all. She is not my type at all. It all begun when we go to a team building trip. We get drunk and first night end up kissing. With her I feel like never before.. or am in a fog.. I read abouth a lot and Im realy confuse if this feeling are real and what kind of life could I have if I leave my wife and marry AP. The AP is 5 years older than me.

At least you're willing to reach out and start examining your behaviour, asking some tough questions of yourself. I'm glad to see that.

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, Graca said:

Thank you for your answer. Do you think that people who have affair can´t have and be in a healthy relationship. That means that they can´t save neither their marriage neither be in other relationship with another person.

Possible but highly unlikely. 

As mentioned earlier,  a person's flaws that have allowed them to enter into an affair will be present in any relationship that person has.

Commonality among people in affairs is the inability to accurately identify their flaws that have negatively impacted their relationship, so it's a certainty that the inability will lead to the downfall of affairs turned relationship. 

Most importantly,  affair partners never really know one another.  The relationship is based on carefully constructed images, romanticized potential and delusional thinking.

[pepperbird]

My brother,r who I love to pieces, cheated on his first wife, whom he divorced to be with his ow.  He married his ow, and their divorce took place a few years later. Neither of them was ever able to really trust the other person.

[mark clemson]

On 4/19/2020 at 7:12 AM, Difficultstuff said:

The problems start when (i) you have limerence for someone who does not reciprocate it, (ii) when you have limerence for someone totally unsuitable for you as a long-term partner, and (iii), as you'll see on these boards, when the other person is married/in a relationship.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your questions. But it does seem that, most of the time, people who have affairs are not able to turn them into real, healthy, enduring relationships. Mostly this is because those who are married are not willing or able to leave their partners. Or, if they do, they do it when they are most 'limerent' and do not understand that those feelings usually wear off.

+1 on this FWIW...

[colingrant]

On 4/19/2020 at 8:28 AM, Graca said:

First of all sorry for my english. English is not my native language.

I read this topics a lot and I was wondering why when someone becomes in love with someone else everyone says that is not a real love, and that that feelings are fake? How could it be if people leave their marriages (witch are not all bed), leave their families for that "fake" feeling. Way majority of you sad that feeling (limerence) is fake if is so strong. Why are you so sure that if marriage is abandon for another that new relationship will end badly? Why new relationship with a lover could not be with happy ending? 

I have so many questions because Im in a struggle now. 

They leave there marriages because they've not yet understood that what appears to be authentic, is in fact inauthentic. If you take LSD, you can jump off of a rooftop with 100% certainty of being able to fly. I had a friend while intoxicated, was quite certain of being able to squeeze his motorcycle past a bus that was idle. He thought it was moving. He thought wrong, hit the bus, flew 10 feet in the air and landed on road pavement. That was that. 

Limerence can give falsified evidence of love when it's an adult, advanced version of infatuation. It's a relationship that hasn't matured, but the feelings that tell a person there soul mate has been found. I've been married over 25 years. I recall when my wife and I first met. I remember the aroma from her lotion, her hair texture, the feelings when I was away from her. It's special. Limerence can feel like this.

Back to my marriage. It has endured everything. Bankruptcy, foreclosure, kids, parents deaths, moving, being hired and being fired, having lots of money and not enough money, unbelievable vacations, on Martha's Vineyard, California, Florida, having a child who was once an honors student turn into an adolescent who can't remember they were even smart once upon a time.  Relationships in limerence are free of these lifelong challenges where couples have earned there badges of life's trials and tribulations. The depth of love that comes from co-fighting and winning the game of life as one, can't be replaced, although many people think it can once in limerence. 

Limerence is very shallow, not only due to the immaturity of the relationship, but also due to the intensity of the emotions with there lovers. People get confused and then irrational. Limerence is similar to being on vacation, where money is less of an issue, no dishes, no work, no life problems when on a beach sipping a rum and coke. No school, work, bills, pressure. That's what enables limerence. Vacations aren't real though. Eventually, the hotel bill has to be paid and you have to report back to work, and life.  Similarly, eventually limerent relationships have to become real at some point and the person you're with has to eventually reveal themselves. 

So, when you're parents have died or ill, how will he/she act and support you in real time. It's easy to say what one WOULD do while holding your hand in the corner of a cafe barely lit with candle light and looking into one another's eyes, while the husband or wife is home giving kid baths and ready for school the next day. How about the hopelessness and fear that comes with health issues, eviction, wage garnishment, or any life experience which is guaranteed to arrive at some point in time.

These are the times of which one's true character and love comes through. It's when the rubber meets the road. The monotony of life can make one overlook one's own spouse. What will make one completely forget there spouse is another who's character hasn't even been revealed yet. It's because of the limernet feelings that overrule practical emotional feelings. It's false evidence appear real. (FEAR). 

By the way.... there's nothing wrong with limerence. What's wrong is when it's not with your spouse.