No contact for a week, shall I reach out?

[poppyfields]

Ya know M, you're shocked at my posts but I'm actually on your side. 

I am very much like you, more than you know.  Guarded and cautious,. 

Sure I am fun and playful but I don't open up easily, it takes me a long time to feel comfortable enough to do that. 

Like you, most men have found me to be a bit of a "mystery" including my current bf.

We met on line and texted/emailed for weeks before being able to meet in person.

He suggested talking on the phone but I told him it would feel awkward to me, uncomfortable and preferred we text until meeting in person.

He was fine with that!  Surely the last thing he would ever want to do is cause me discomfort or to feel pressured to do something I'm not comfortable doing.  

So we built a strong connection via text and email, which carried over after we met in person. 

Maybe it's me and the men I've chosen to date, but that is how an interested man behaves.

They don't guilt trip you blaming you for not feeling comfortable yet, and deeming that as hot and cold and your "failure" as to why things didn't work out.

That's just so wrong on so many levels. 

 

Edited May 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[tojaz]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

I only sent him one  photo. I think most guys i send two or more. 

But also he could have a basket of hang ups lol

I'm going to be upfront and say that I haven't read the whole thread but what I'm seeing is that you seem upset that you didn't live up to his standards, clear his vetting process.

Understandable, but from your actions as you described them, it sounds like he didn't really clear yours entirely either and that may very well be why you decided to hold back a little.

The feel I get is that you both are just lukewarm for each other. Curious enough to let it play out but not intrigued enough to be more aggressive. Each hoping the other one is going to do something that will flip that switch and get the ball rolling.

Sometimes a person looks so good on paper that we don't trust or don't want to trust our instincts when we can't find the spark. Especially in OLD.

Edited May 22, 2020 by tojaz

[miranda561]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Ya know M, you're shocked at my posts but I'm actually on your side. 

I am very much like you, more than you know.  Guarded and cautious,. 

Sure I am fun and playful but I don't open up easily, it takes me a long time to feel comfortable enough to do that. 

Like you, most men have found me to be a bit of a "mystery" including my current bf.

We met on line and texted/emailed for weeks before being able to meet in person.

He suggested talking on the phone but I told him it would feel awkward to me, uncomfortable and preferred we text until meeting in person.

He was fine with that!  Surely the last thing he would ever want to do is cause me discomfort or to feel pressured to do something I'm not comfortable doing.  

So we built a strong connection via text and email, which carried over after we met in person. 

Maybe it's me and the men I've chosen to date, but that is how an interested man behaves.

They don't guilt trip you blaming you for not feeling comfortable yet, and deeming that as hot and cold and your "failure" as to why things didn't work out.

That's just so wrong on so many levels. 

 

Thats cool. At least i ain't  the only one 😂. 

Are you still with him now? How long did it take before you met him? 

Time frame wise i would say he tried a solid two or three months before  backing off. I was kind of enjoying my summer, was out and about a lot. 

[miranda561]

24 minutes ago, tojaz said:

I'm going to be upfront and say that I haven't read the whole thread but what I'm seeing is that you seem upset that you didn't live up to his standards, clear his vetting process.

Understandable, but from your actions as you described them, it sounds like he didn't really clear yours entirely either and that may very well be why you decided to hold back a little.

The feel I get is that you both are just lukewarm for each other. Curious enough to let it play out but not intrigued enough to be more aggressive. Each hoping the other one is going to do something that will flip that switch and get the ball rolling.

Sometimes a person looks so good on paper that we don't trust or don't want to trust our instincts when we can't find the spark. Especially in OLD.

Initially i didnt like him much or i found  him  a little too rude for my liking. But that was my impression of him through messaging..and i think a couple of times i said maybe we are not that  compatible. But no matter what i said he was trying to find a reason everytime why we are compatible. And everything i said i liked and enjoyed he was showing enthusiasm for i.e hobbies interests. The impression i got was someone who wss really trying with me despite everything  i said and did. 

But eventually it got to a point where he was like ..maybe this isnt going to go anywhere..it took a couple of months for himto get to that stage. After i had pretty much blanked most of his calls and i guess wasnt giving him what he was looking for.

Then we went our separate ways for a few  months. The last interaction before then was me saying i would call him ( but didnt)and he said he would be waiting for my call ..

And after i came back  to him three months later..what happened thereafter is all in my original post 

Edited May 22, 2020 by miranda561

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Thats cool. At least i ain't  the only one 😂. 

Are you still with him now? How long did it take before you met him? 

Time frame wise i would say he tried a solid two or three months before  backing off. I was kind of enjoying my summer, was out and about a lot. 

I said current bf so yes we are still together 2+ years.

I agree with tojaz, your nonchalant lackadaisical attitudes bounced back and forth between you, each of you waiting for the other to step up and put forth some effort. 

This just goes to lack of compatability along with lack of strong interest from either of you.

Edited May 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

@miranda, SMH at your Haha emoji but whatever.

We tried to help, sorry you find this all so shocking and amusing, good luck to you. 

Edited May 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[miranda561]

16 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@miranda, SMH at your Haha emoji but whatever.

We tried to help, sorry you find this all so shocking and amusing, good luck to you. 

I dont understand why you would take offence with regards to an emoji and also take it so literally. 

Its all meant in a lìghthearted way. 

I already went into a little of the back story. Whether  i agree or not shouldn't be anyones problem. But i am still taking people's views into consideration 

And just because it worked out perfectly for you..from when you guys met all the way up till now. Does not mean my situation has to fit that ideal down to a tee for things to work out in the end 

Any way just saying. 

 

 

Edited May 22, 2020 by miranda561

[tojaz]

Let's look at the timeline.

October>> three months of dead air >>January talk a couple weeks >> a month of dead air >> February you reach out and end up blocking him because you didn't get a response >> March talked a bit >> I'm assuming dead air until May have a good discussion and now we're here.

Now, I'm a guy and I've done the OLD thing when I was single.

Given the pattern that you guys are following, I wouldn't be putting in much effort either. Why would I when all likelihood I'm going to end up listening to dead air for a month or so again?

Even if he was really interested in October the repeated hot/cold/hot/cold routine has likely eroded that interest. I don't know anyone that's very enthusiastic about someone that "doesn't mind" if they meet! Or someone that "likes them sometimes and sometimes I don't"!

Guys are simple. If you like him, quit playing games and call him. The longer you wait the more he's focusing on the negative experience of being left hanging over and over again and the less he's remembering the two and a half hour conversation you both enjoyed.

 

[miranda561]

58 minutes ago, tojaz said:

Let's look at the timeline.

October>> three months of dead air >>January talk a couple weeks >> a month of dead air >> February you reach out and end up blocking him because you didn't get a response >> March talked a bit >> I'm assuming dead air until May have a good discussion and now we're here.

Now, I'm a guy and I've done the OLD thing when I was single.

Given the pattern that you guys are following, I wouldn't be putting in much effort either. Why would I when all likelihood I'm going to end up listening to dead air for a month or so again?

Even if he was really interested in October the repeated hot/cold/hot/cold routine has likely eroded that interest. I don't know anyone that's very enthusiastic about someone that "doesn't mind" if they meet! Or someone that "likes them sometimes and sometimes I don't"!

Guys are simple. If you like him, quit playing games and call him. The longer you wait the more he's focusing on the negative experience of being left hanging over and over again and the less he's remembering the two and a half hour conversation you both enjoyed.

 

Fair enough .when you put it like that. 

Its just a pain since i cant meet anyone due to the corona stuff. So its gonna be up in the air till then. 

Out of interest...from your perspective what are the things which caused you to be interested in a woman. When you were online dating  and what put you off. 

 

 

 

[Realitysux]

25 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Fair enough .when you put it like that. 

Its just a pain since i cant meet anyone due to the corona stuff. So its gonna be up in the air till then. 

Out of interest...from your perspective what are the things which caused you to be interested in a woman. When you were online dating  and what put you off. 

 

 

 

Don't date online then. Date in person. I wouldn't date online since its such a waste of time. You have a texting conversation then meet in person and there is no chemestry. I would rather feel someone out in person and then go out on a date. 

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, tojaz said:

Let's look at the timeline.

October>> three months of dead air >>January talk a couple weeks >> a month of dead air >> February you reach out and end up blocking him because you didn't get a response >> March talked a bit >> I'm assuming dead air until May have a good discussion and now we're here.

Now, I'm a guy and I've done the OLD thing when I was single.

Given the pattern that you guys are following, I wouldn't be putting in much effort either. Why would I when all likelihood I'm going to end up listening to dead air for a month or so again?

Even if he was really interested in October the repeated hot/cold/hot/cold routine has likely eroded that interest. I don't know anyone that's very enthusiastic about someone that "doesn't mind" if they meet! Or someone that "likes them sometimes and sometimes I don't"!

Guys are simple. If you like him, quit playing games and call him. The longer you wait the more he's focusing on the negative experience of being left hanging over and over again and the less he's remembering the two and a half hour conversation you both enjoyed.

 

Also. How often did u contact or want to speak to the women you were interested in?

[miranda561]

5 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

Don't date online then. Date in person. I wouldn't date online since its such a waste of time. You have a texting conversation then meet in person and there is no chemestry. I would rather feel someone out in person and then go out on a date. 

I know then ill end up meeting no one for like a whole year.

And this guy well hes pretty much been in my life like a year already...so i figure may aswell meet him 

What happened to the one you liked? Did you end up telling  him how you feel

Edited May 22, 2020 by miranda561

[Realitysux]

1 minute ago, miranda561 said:

I know then ill end up meeting no one for like a whole year.

And this guy well hes pretty much been in my life like a year already...so i figure may aswell meet him 

I am in the same boat. I can't meet anyone and I need to socialize and connect with people. 

Edited May 22, 2020 by Realitysux

[tojaz]

56 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Out of interest...from your perspective what are the things which caused you to be interested in a woman. When you were online dating  and what put you off.

Well, I am guessing I'm a bit older then you so my answer is probably going to be a lot different.

I always looked for women that seemed to be comfortable with themselves. On OLD many people write their profiles and act in a way that casts a wide net hoping for a lot of responses so a profile reads just like the previous twenty and say nothing about who the person is.

I tend to have a lot of quirky hobbies and interests so I would always lead with those to sort of weed out those that were just looking for someone to fill a void. When i met my girlfriend she was pretty much doing the same thing. We were both comfortable with our lives by ourselves and were looking for someone to compliment our lives, not complete it.

That would be my advice to you, don't play games. Quit analyzing who called last and how long to wait between texts and just be you. If he likes what you show him then great, your off to the races. If he doesn't then better to find out now so you can move on to someone who will appreciate you.

[miranda561]

33 minutes ago, tojaz said:

Well, I am guessing I'm a bit older then you so my answer is probably going to be a lot different.

I always looked for women that seemed to be comfortable with themselves. On OLD many people write their profiles and act in a way that casts a wide net hoping for a lot of responses so a profile reads just like the previous twenty and say nothing about who the person is.

I tend to have a lot of quirky hobbies and interests so I would always lead with those to sort of weed out those that were just looking for someone to fill a void. When i met my girlfriend she was pretty much doing the same thing. We were both comfortable with our lives by ourselves and were looking for someone to compliment our lives, not complete it.

That would be my advice to you, don't play games. Quit analyzing who called last and how long to wait between texts and just be you. If he likes what you show him then great, your off to the races. If he doesn't then better to find out now so you can move on to someone who will appreciate you.

Im in my  mid twenties. And you. The guy im referring to is late twenties. Like 28 i think.

Its funny you mention not playing games  and not to  focus too much on who messaged who and who called who. But this guy as cool as he tries to play it i feel like he does count all that and reacts accordingly.

He won't ever double text for example. I think  the odd times he did call multiple times but that's rare. Usually it will be just once and then he will wait on me.

And the time i blocked him and didnt receive his messages..he kept talking about how i didnt respond as if it got to him. I didnt tel him he was blocked  though 😂.

 

 

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

I know then ill end up meeting no one for like a whole year.

This is how it was in the old days before OLD.   Not being able to order a date online didn't cause harm.  We just settled into our lives and met someone when they came along.   I think it taught us patience.

Edited May 22, 2020 by basil67

[miranda561]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is how it was in the old days before OLD.   Not being able to order a date online didn't cause harm.  We just settled into our lives and met someone when they came along.   I think it taught us patience.

Thats great. But to be fair ive been single for years now..and the fact that im settled into my own life has in fact caused me to push away those who probably want to be a part of my life. For example this guy. Because when someone does come along I'm almost not used to it and then end up neglecting them

Edited May 22, 2020 by miranda561

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Thats great. But to be fair ive been single for years now..and the fact that im settled into my own life has in fact caused me to push away those who probably want to be a part of my life. For example this guy. Because when someone does come along I'm almost not used to it and then end up neglecting them

Yeah, and we could easily have been single for years back then too.   That's how old fashioned dating works.   But being used to singledom is no reason to push away or neglect a great new person.  Rather, I would suggest you push them away or neglect them because they aren't your Mr Right.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

Thats great. But to be fair ive been single for years now..and the fact that im settled into my own life has in fact caused me to push away those who probably want to be a part of my life. For example this guy. Because when someone does come along I'm almost not used to it and then end up neglecting them

miranda, that's interesting.  Would you therefore consider your yourself "emotionally unavailable" for those reasons?  

Or avoidant or even dare I ask, a bit commitmentphobe?  

Conflicted/torn between the desire for a relationship and fear of feeling boxed in and restricted?   

Not judging, there was a time I felt that way and would subconsciously push men away.  No matter how "right" he was.  We are talking deeply-rooted fears and anxieties, which are very real for some people. 

It was only after becoming aware I was doing this when I sought help to resolve. 

Edited May 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[miranda561]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

miranda, that's interesting.  Would you therefore consider your yourself "emotionally unavailable" for those reasons?  

Or avoidant or even dare I ask, a bit commitmentphobe?  

Conflicted/torn between the desire for a relationship and fear of feeling boxed in and restricted?   

Not judging, there was a time I felt that way and would subconsciously push men away.  No matter how "right" he was.  We are talking deeply-rooted fears and anxieties, which are very real for some people. 

It was only after becoming aware I was doing this when I sought help to resolve. 

Im not sure. Because emotionally unavailable is such a strong term .

I am wary about ending up with someone who will restrict me yes. But I've only actually distanced myself from guys who were on the extreme end of controlling ..like crazy ones. 

If the guy starts demanding more time or more attention from me or whatever then i will pull away. For example when this guy at the start was pursuing me and kept going on about how we have to speak on the phone ( he gave me a time limit)..i really didnt like that .

I just prefer someone to be balanced. 

I haven't been in a serious relationship before.whereas this guy has. So he is probably used to extensive interaction with a partner. Whereas I've only ever been in casual situations... 

I guess he figured that out about me and just later let me come to him instead. 

Edited May 23, 2020 by miranda561

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, tojaz said:

Believe me, I'm not suggesting his vetting process is "normal". This guy definitely has a basket full of hang ups.

With the very limited information we have about him, how are you arriving at that conclusion?

[miranda561]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

With the very limited information we have about him, how are you arriving at that conclusion?

To be fair a lot of people come up with all sorts of conclusions based on limited info on the forum.

Of course i would rather this guy be mentally stable than not. So im hoping its not the case 

 

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

To be fair a lot of people come up with all sorts of conclusions based on limited info on the forum.

Of course i would rather this guy be mentally stable than not. So im hoping its not the case 

 

Limited information does tend to produce ALL SORTS of conclusions.  Only YOU know what is best for YOU.  I will venture to say that his VETTING is somewhat SKETCHY at least to me.  I swear the whole OLD dating process seems like a dog and pony show at times.  It's really like drafting a player or trading a player in the sports world. 

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, miranda561 said:

If the guy starts demanding more time or more attention from me or whatever then i will pull away.

For example when this guy at the start was pursuing me and kept going on about how we have to speak on the phone ( he gave me a time limit)..i really didnt like that 

I prefer things more balanced. 

I am the same and as far as this guy pushing and going on about talking on the phone (he gave you a time limit?  Omg), this is precisely what I meant when I said when a man is interested in you versus possessing some major hangup he has about women or within himself, he will want you to feel comfortable!  

Pushing you to talk on phone when you weren't comfortable with that yet is a big red flag imo.

Pushing you or any woman into doing anything she's not comfortable with is a red flag!

It's called disrespecting your boundaries and of course you didn't like it and wanted to distance yourself from a man like this!  

What I am wondering is why you didnt continue distancing yourself?

He is one of those guys who wants everything HIS way and if you don't comply, in his mind, you're "hot and cold and a "failure," it's your fault -- these are your own words miranda which came from him and how he made you feel.  It's called gaslighting. 

Do not ever allow a man to make you feel like you failed or it's your fault why things didnt work out. 

You had perfectly legit reasons to act as you did, he was demanding and pushy, that is what I meant when I said he was trying to act "dominant" but failing miserably at it, he came off like a bully!  

Stay away from guys like this, please! 

Edited May 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am the same and as far as this guy pushing and going on about talking on the phone (he gave you a time limit?  Omg), this is precisely what I meant when I said when a man is interested in you versus possessing some major hangup he has about women or within himself, he will want you to feel comfortable!  

Pushing you to talk on phone when you weren't comfortable with that yet is a big red flag imo.

Pushing you or any woman into doing anything she's not comfortable with is a red flag!

It's called disrespecting your boundaries and of course you didn't like it and wanted to distance yourself from a man like this!  

What I am wondering is why you didnt continue distancing yourself?

He is one of those guys who wants everything HIS way and if you don't comply, in his mind, you're "hot and cold and a "failure," it's your fault -- these are your own words miranda which came from him and how he made you feel.  It's called gaslighting. 

Do not ever allow a man to make you feel like you failed or it's your fault why things didnt work out. 

You had perfectly legit reasons to act as you did, he was demanding and pushy, that is what I meant when I said he was trying to act "dominant" but failing miserably at it, he came off like a bully!  

Stay away from guys like this, please! 

I think this poster^ is right about this guy Miranda.  Don't put yourself in a situation where HE calls the shots when his words determine what you do or don't do.  You control the narrative and make him realize that you are a total CATCH and it's JOB to win you..................Ladies YOU HAVE THE ULTIMATE POWER.....

Edited May 23, 2020 by simpycurious