No contact for a week, shall I reach out?

[miranda561]

Oh man. What should i do guys 😳😪. Ok i know  i haven't been straight  up with him fully and have been giving him the run around a bit. Now  i just thought let me  check his dating profile out of curiosity and ive seen hes changed his pic to one he sent me  in january. But  i didnt even look at his profile on the app since last year 😳. So i dont know the timing of the photo change could have been anytime. 

I don't know what to do now. I did ask him during  our two hour convo if hes chatted to anyone on the app he said no, hes been busy doing up his house and busy working 🤔. So didn't mention anyone else. But kept going on about how may be  i went off and found someone and came back to him. 🤔 since i didnt speak to him for a month and a bit

What should i do seriously. On the phone he obviously ended the convo with asking me to meet him, and me being a plonker and being like yeh i dont mind and then him thinking he's an option. 

 

😢 i dont know what to do. If hes speaking to other people even if he  said he isnt  and didnt mention anyone hes still on that dating app. 😳 

 

[Versacehottie]

Wow, you are really treating him like an option!! It doesn't matter if it's the truth or not, you just should not do it.  It's rude. Listen, if you are on a dating app, anyone with a brain knows you (and he) are talking to multiple people.  In theory, you are open to dating..people, which means besides him if he doesn't lock you down--no need to explain or throw it in his face.  So you should have never told him your friend tried to set you up and basically now you are back to him.  That's so....appealing--not!!  

Secondly, the whole interaction is the epitome of lackluster.  That isn't playing hard to get (which I wouldn't recommend) it's just blah.  Unenthusiastic.  No, just no.

Lastly, it's been said but "i don't mind!!!!!"????? WTF.  Worst response to an invite that i've heard in a long time.  

Sorry, i don't mean to be harsh but you need a real wake up call.  This stuff is not going to work.  Way way way apathetic.  All it makes you look like is a boring person.  Sorry & good luck.

Edited April 22, 2020 by Versacehottie

[miranda561]

10 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Wow, you are really treating him like an option!! It doesn't matter if it's the truth or not, you just should not do it.  It's rude. Listen, if you are on a dating app, anyone with a brain knows you (and he) are talking to multiple people.  In theory, you are open to dating..people, which means besides him if he doesn't lock you down--no need to explain or throw it in his face.  So you should have never told him your friend tried to set you up and basically now you are back to him.  That's so....appealing--not!!  

Secondly, the whole interaction is the epitome of lackluster.  That isn't playing hard to get (which I wouldn't recommend) it's just blah.  Unenthusiastic.  No, just no.

Lastly, it's been said but "i don't mind!!!!!"????? WTF.  Worst response to an invite that i've heard in a long time.  

Sorry, i don't mean to be harsh but you need a real wake up call.  This stuff is not going to work.  Way way way apathetic.  All it makes you look like is a boring person.  Sorry & good luck.

I probably shouldn't have said that (options thing) and expressed how i really felt instead. It sounds ridiculous but  i was trying to play it cool and it just came out wrong. 

He always says he has learnt not to give a f*** about other people any more and he is tough etc. So im sure whatever  i say wouldnt hurt him anyway. The reason why i told him about my friend setting me up is because he started off saying his friends  were also trying to set him up with someone. So correction, started the topic off. Which is why i didnt think it would be a big deal if i said my frien did thr same. But i made clear how little interest i had in the other person. 

 

And the way he said do you want to meet me (almost like just friends hanging out way)  it was so casual, that for some reason me saying i dont mind didnt even appear that terrible at the time. But obviously at one point he did come out with youre acting like im an option. 

Im going to try and be less "apathetic"

[ExpatInItaly]

You're acting too aloof for your own good, OP. 

This has obviously not worked for you. I think he might have been vaguely interested but he's obviously exploring other women as well. You're losing out to women who are not hiding behind their screens and phones so much, 

[miranda561]

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're acting too aloof for your own good, OP. 

This has obviously not worked for you. I think he might have been vaguely interested but he's obviously exploring other women as well. You're losing out to women who are not hiding behind their screens and phones so much, 

😢😭😪

I know. Maybe this online dating thing isn't for me at all. Where at just one swipe you find a new person. If hes going to find someone  else just like  that or im not showing  him enough( and he doesnt  have the patience to wait around) then mybe he aint for me. 

At first i just felt guilty because initially i didnt used to return  his calls much and would resort to texting. But now its like at the very least i did try to come back and communicate with him. And if that isnt enough. What can i do. 

And im not the type of person who can just move from one guy to the next tht quickly. Even though he thinks that's what i did when i wasnt in contact with him for those couple of months.

Little does he know it couldnt be  further from the truth 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, miranda561 said:

I know. Maybe this online dating thing isn't for me at all. Where at just one swipe you find a new person. If hes going to find someone  else just like  that or im not showing  him enough( and he doesnt  have the patience to wait around) then mybe he aint for me. 

At first i just felt guilty because initially i didnt used to return  his calls much and would resort to texting. But now its like at the very least i did try to come back and communicate with him. And if that isnt enough. What can i do. 

What do you mean, find someone else just like that? You were never "with" him and you vanished months ago. 

This is why you showing up again months later is not enough. The point is not to play these games in the first place. That is what you can do. Stop being inconsistent and evasive. Stop hiding behind your phone. 

You speak about him as though he owed you some sort of loyalty. He doesn't. No mature guy is going to wait around for some chick he barely knows who drops off the radar and then randomly shows up months after, and still tries to be "hard to get." You're wasting his time, and more importantly, you're wasting your own time. You can see your tactics didn't work here. I don't know exactly what you're afraid of, but being this insecure is a sign you have other issues to address before you attempt dating. You're comfortable playing in the shadows but too scared to actually date, it seems. Why is that, do you suppose?

[miranda561]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What do you mean, find someone else just like that? You were never "with" him and you vanished months ago. 

This is why you showing up again months later is not enough. The point is not to play these games in the first place. That is what you can do. Stop being inconsistent and evasive. Stop hiding behind your phone. 

You speak about him as though he owed you some sort of loyalty. He doesn't. No mature guy is going to wait around for some chick he barely knows who drops off the radar and then randomly shows up months after, and still tries to be "hard to get." You're wasting his time, and more importantly, you're wasting your own time. You can see your tactics didn't work here. I don't know exactly what you're afraid of, but being this insecure is a sign you have other issues to address before you attempt dating. You're comfortable playing in the shadows but too scared to actually date, it seems. Why is that, do you suppose?

You don't  understand. Ive met people in person and online who've been completely fine with me and my communication style i.e texting more and then meeting in person. This guys always seemed like he was in a rush and kept being like im going to leave if you dont speak to me on the phone and i dont want to be your texting friend etc etc. Anyway i dont get him 

AND I KNOW  i wasnt with him. 😐😒. Also im not playing games. Im not playing  hard to get in order to achieve  results.  

 

And yeh as i said earlier i have been on dates and alll that but initially i am reserved and don't go all in. So if someone  doesnt have  the patience  for that its not my loss. 😳. On a sidenote i know how guys can be. Some can be very fake and be all loved up with you at the start, and as soon as you open up ( which btw i have before), they start  acting like they dont know you. 

 

Anyway  i don't know what im gonna do about this one just yet. 

[clia]

You should forget this guy and move on.

You started talking to him in October -- 6 months ago!  And in all of that time, the two of you never met, you lost contact a number of times, etc.  He's not interested.  Men who are interested don't lose contact, they don't forget to call, they don't get too busy to call, etc.  Stop wasting your time and forget about him.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, miranda561 said:

And yeh as i said earlier i have been on dates and alll that but initially i am reserved and don't go all in. So if someone  doesnt have  the patience  for that its not my loss. 😳. 

Actually, it is. You wouldn't have started this thread (and your previous one, under your other username) if you weren't feeling like this was your loss. 

 

 

[miranda561]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Actually, it is. You wouldn't have started this thread (and your previous one, under your other username) if you weren't feeling like this was your loss. 

 

 

😳 well obviously i do feel positively about the guy in question to an extent. 

But with anyone, if it doesnt work out for whatever reason. Yeh i do see it somewhat as their loss at the same time regardless  so 🤷‍♀️. 

[Versacehottie]

You can't apply your logic about what other guys did when you behaved a certain way toward them to EVERY guy--it just doesn't work like that.  I'd say the fact that you got away with behavior like this with any guy is more the outlier than it should be your baseline behavior.  The majority of guys are not going to react well to these games.  

If he was pushing to meet you and it was well outside your comfort zone or too soon and disappeared because of it then he's not for you.  You don't keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  I actually think as an outsider and neutral (-ish) observer that your communication skills in these stages of dating as you've presented them here need a lot of work in order to be successful across the broadest scope of guys, which from a numbers game is what you want.  That way next time you won't be sitting here regretting how you handled something without having gotten to GO.

As far as this guy, I'd bet he's gone, so you should just leave it alone. 6 months is online dating is probably like a lifetime and you were just a blip.  Sorry, i think it's the way most people would see it. Good luck

Edited April 22, 2020 by Versacehottie

[miranda561]

5 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

You can't apply your logic about what other guys did when you behaved a certain way toward them to EVERY guy--it just doesn't work like that.  I'd say the fact that you got away with behavior like this with any guy is more the outlier than it should be your baseline behavior.  The majority of guys are not going to react well to these games.  

If he was pushing to meet you and it was well outside your comfort zone or too soon and disappeared because of it then he's not for you.  You don't keep trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  I actually think as an outsider and neutral (-ish) observer that your communication skills in these stages of dating as you've presented them here need a lot of work in order to be successful across the broadest scope of guys, which from a numbers game is what you want.  That way next time you won't be sitting here regretting how you handled something without having gotten to GO.

As far as this guy, I'd bet he's gone, so you should just leave it alone. 6 months is online dating is probably like a lifetime and you were just a blip.  Sorry, i think it's the way most people would see it. Good luck

I do need to be more upfront. I think most of the time, its because i don't want to say everything on my mind and then be left feeling like a fool if things don't work. So i got too much pride. 

I guess  im more like a man in that way 😂. Because women tend to be more emotional and obvious about their  feelings.

And with  regards to it being over i literally only spoke to him a week ago, and thats when he asked if i wanted to meet  him. To which of course i responded unfavourably as most people pointed out. But i shall see what happens i guess

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, miranda561 said:

I do need to be more upfront. I think most of the time, its because i don't want to say everything on my mind and then be left feeling like a fool if things don't work. So i got too much pride. 

I guess  im more like a man in that way 😂. Because women tend to be more emotional and obvious about their  feelings.

Being upfront does not mean saying everything on your mind, OP. 

You seem to operate in extremes. There is a vast middle ground between pouring your heart out and doing what you've been doing with this guy, which is essentially dodging him and any attempt he made to get to know you.  So no, you're not more like  a man in that sense, either. You lack the confidence that we typically associate with men. If you're attempting to differentiate yourself from other women, your're doing so - but not in the way you want. You come across as someone who plays games and wasted his time. 

Tackle your insecurity and figure out why you were so fearful of letting this guy know you were interested in meeting him. What you did with other guys is irrelevant because it obviously didn't work here. Have you not been honest with him about who you are or what you look like? Was the pic you sent him not an accurate reflection of your appearance now? What is it you're afraid he wouldn't like about you? 

[miranda561]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Being upfront does not mean saying everything on your mind, OP. 

You seem to operate in extremes. There is a vast middle ground between pouring your heart out and doing what you've been doing with this guy, which is essentially dodging him and any attempt he made to get to know you.  So no, you're not more like  a man in that sense, either. You lack the confidence that we typically associate with men. If you're attempting to differentiate yourself from other women, your're doing so - but not in the way you want. You come across as someone who plays games and wasted his time. 

Tackle your insecurity and figure out why you were so fearful of letting this guy know you were interested in meeting him. What you did with other guys is irrelevant because it obviously didn't work here. Have you not been honest with him about who you are or what you look like? Was the pic you sent him not an accurate reflection of your appearance now? What is it you're afraid he wouldn't like about you? 

😳 it's difficult to explain oneself through messages 😂. Which is why i've been misunderstood many times. 

I don't know if i explained this earlier but i've never been a phone person, or a person who spends hours on the phone. So i was just not good at calling him often. But does not mean i didnt call him at all. I think in the end when id resort to messaging, he took it as disinterest. Or maybe he didnt trust who i was with all the photo stuff. I do believe that's exactly what he thought of me though a time wastinf person. So youre right there. 

Can i just ask though, assuming you're  a guy, what would differentiate me from other women? Or what is it which helps one to stand out, in your experience. On the phone, last we spoke, he did say im an interesting person and im unique. So i dunno

I told him i dont mind meeting him, and way before then  i said we should meet. So it wasnt that. Im definitely confident in myself ( contrary to popular belief), and when im out and about i get a lot of attention from  guys. They will either stare  at me or come up to me and start asking for my number. So its nothing to do with how i look. 

All i meant was if im interested or i like Some one  i feel unable to tell them in the way a lot of women would. Its just a pride thing. Nothing less nothing more. When my own friend says things  to guys andtells me an i read her messages. It just comes across desperate. In the end maybe the way i communicate just ends up sounding like im talking to a friend, as opposed to a romantic interest. I think he tried to speak to me like that and i just brushed it off. For example he would be like do you miss me or i missed you. And i didnt respond by saying it back.

Im sure this guy has not much of an idea, how much  i do like him.  He would probably be shocked if he knew. 

Edited April 23, 2020 by miranda561

[Versacehottie]

I agree that there is some disconnect with the strategy that you think you need to do with your interpretation of "upfront", saying everything on your mind etc, being emotional etc.  That's not quite it either.

Probably better to think of things as he gives a little, you give a little.  Just MATCH what you are given.  Sometimes you can be the one who initiates the contact or vulnerability in putting yourself out there as well though at the beginning I would let the guy lead the majority of the time.  I also would say the bolded is conditional as to when things are going along smoothly and well.  Not when you are scrambling to get back in, have another chance or ramping things up because you are anxious or have some accelerated timetable (most guys is a bit slower than ours, as a generalization). 

Think of it like reciprocating. IMO, at the beginning I think it's good to let the guy set the pace and if it doesn't suit you, keep dating others at the same time (since it bears some saying based on your story, DON'T outright tell him you are dating others unless he specifically asks.)  This is just basics. I could say more but I feel like the message is going to get lost or misinterpreted. Definitely a key is that you are not chasing him.  Which with the subject of your post, you would be at this point with additional contact from your end.  

A week isn't that long in current situation and assuming he is certainly dating others and depending on where you live there is no real chance to "go out on a real date" anytime soon.  That said, like i said before, i don't think this will be anything with him.  Too much bad has gone on, too much time has passed.  You treated him like an option so don't be surprised that he is treating you like one.  Once it's too this stage, that's why I would let it go.  If you had each come back to each other organically or at least let it be believed that it was organic, then it would be perhaps a better chance. Right now you both are acting like you reached the bottom of a barrel or a end of list.  Not a good feeling.  I think you should let him go--also because maybe you should work on your self esteem--not by trying to obtain this guy, but it was rude of him to also say without prompting by you that he was dating others etc and you basically indicated he was pushing for some contact that you didn't feel comfortable with. Ehh, he doesn't sound like a prize.  Ok, good luck

[miranda561]

32 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I agree that there is some disconnect with the strategy that you think you need to do with your interpretation of "upfront", saying everything on your mind etc, being emotional etc.  That's not quite it either.

Probably better to think of things as he gives a little, you give a little.  Just MATCH what you are given.  Sometimes you can be the one who initiates the contact or vulnerability in putting yourself out there as well though at the beginning I would let the guy lead the majority of the time.  I also would say the bolded is conditional as to when things are going along smoothly and well.  Not when you are scrambling to get back in, have another chance or ramping things up because you are anxious or have some accelerated timetable (most guys is a bit slower than ours, as a generalization). 

Think of it like reciprocating. IMO, at the beginning I think it's good to let the guy set the pace and if it doesn't suit you, keep dating others at the same time (since it bears some saying based on your story, DON'T outright tell him you are dating others unless he specifically asks.)  This is just basics. I could say more but I feel like the message is going to get lost or misinterpreted. Definitely a key is that you are not chasing him.  Which with the subject of your post, you would be at this point with additional contact from your end.  

A week isn't that long in current situation and assuming he is certainly dating others and depending on where you live there is no real chance to "go out on a real date" anytime soon.  That said, like i said before, i don't think this will be anything with him.  Too much bad has gone on, too much time has passed.  You treated him like an option so don't be surprised that he is treating you like one.  Once it's too this stage, that's why I would let it go.  If you had each come back to each other organically or at least let it be believed that it was organic, then it would be perhaps a better chance. Right now you both are acting like you reached the bottom of a barrel or a end of list.  Not a good feeling.  I think you should let him go--also because maybe you should work on your self esteem--not by trying to obtain this guy, but it was rude of him to also say without prompting by you that he was dating others etc and you basically indicated he was pushing for some contact that you didn't feel comfortable with. Ehh, he doesn't sound like a prize.  Ok, good luck

When i contacted him in january and asked what hes been upto, he said working and then people trying to set him up with others. I could be wrong but at the time my feeling was that it was partly him trying to  get his own back and/or trying to be like if you want me hurry up. Because  following that he kept asking if i like him, if i want him, if im interested in him etc etc..

I think he thinks i may have tried with others and it didnt work out so i went back to him. Well he basically said it. And then said i make it seem like hes an option. And to be honest nothing could be further from the truth. As unlike him 😂 i could go long periods of time whilst being single.  Ive been single most my life. Whereas he has had multiple relationships. So in all those months i wasnt contacting him, i was actually just doing my own thing  i wasnt even meeting or seeing any other guys. 

In terms of pushing contact on me, i think he is serious about marriage and kids at this point. Because  i remember he was talking about kids and how his mum had kids by my age etc etc. So i think he is looking  for something serious and maybe has a set time frame for himself. ( even though hes in his late twenties). And with the way i was so laid back and taking my time, he just wasnt happy with that. This is just my guess

In terms of being the bottom of the barrel etc. If i was in his position i would have explored other options too. I think he was genuinely interested in me at the beginning nd thought maybe its not going anywhere. Well he pretty much said it early on. 

As for our last conversation, i mean he did pretty much offer to see me. well asked if i want to see him. And to send him another photo. he only has one. And i think someone else on here said it was upto me to then get backto him. Since he was the one who suggested  us meeting. But yeh obv since then i havent gotten back to him. An vice  versa 

[stillafool]

At this point just put him out of your mind until he contacts you again.  If and when he does, show interest and flirt.

[miranda561]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

At this point just put him out of your mind until he contacts you again.  If and when he does, show interest and flirt.

I should take lessons fron people who can actually flirt lol. Im probably  like the female equivalent of Jim from american pie. 😂

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Can i just ask though, assuming you're  a guy, what would differentiate me from other women? Or what is it which helps one to stand out, in your experience. the phone, last we spoke, he did say im an interesting person and im unique. So i dunno

I'm a woman. 

And I can tell you that the guys I was interested in knew I was interested. I didn't go overboard but I also didn't play too cool and coy, either. A woman who is confident in herself doesn't dance around the idea of meeting if she wants to meet someone. She accepts the offer and displays some enthusiasm. She isn't difficult to communicate with. 

With the behaviour so far, you're making yourself stand out for all the wrong reasons. 

[miranda561]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm a woman. 

And I can tell you that the guys I was interested in knew I was interested. I didn't go overboard but I also didn't play too cool and coy, either. A woman who is confident in herself doesn't dance around the idea of meeting if she wants to meet someone. She accepts the offer and displays some enthusiasm. She isn't difficult to communicate with. 

With the behaviour so far, you're making yourself stand out for all the wrong reasons. 

So you think he doesnt know  im interested at all. Even though ive initiated calls the last two times. Or that  i came to him in january granted after  a couple  months. 

So basically i need  to spell it out 

[Versacehottie]

4 hours ago, miranda561 said:

In terms of being the bottom of the barrel etc. If i was in his position i would have explored other options too. I think he was genuinely interested in me at the beginning nd thought maybe its not going anywhere. Well he pretty much said it early on. 

 

Your reactions and your (both of you) cumulative interactions are the reason, or at least part of the reason, he has that impression. 

If you were the one to contact him the last two most recent times, the ball is 100% in his court.  Let him make the next move.  Be more happy go lucky (in your way) and forthcoming if he does contact you. Nothing else to do besides that, except learn from this experience thus far. Good luck

[LynneVicious]

I personally think this ship has sailed. I don’t think he’s interested anymore. Also, this is entirely wayyyy too much drama when you’ve only just spoken a few times and not even met. 
 

Move on and forget about him. It sounds like you don’t know what you want. Maybe figure that out before you date. Maybe you’re not ready to date yet. No one says you have to date. People should only be dating when their life is fully in order and they want to include someone in it. Unfortunately, way too many people date for all the wrong reasons. 
 

 

[miranda561]

40 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Your reactions and your (both of you) cumulative interactions are the reason, or at least part of the reason, he has that impression. 

If you were the one to contact him the last two most recent times, the ball is 100% in his court.  Let him make the next move.  Be more happy go lucky (in your way) and forthcoming if he does contact you. Nothing else to do besides that, except learn from this experience thus far. Good luck

I think i called...and then he called back...and then when i didnt respond, he messaged...

And then called again the day after......n then instead of calling back i messaged...n then called a week or so later. Which was  our 3 hour convo.

 

I think with him when i reach out he gets the encouragement he needs  maybe to then try and speak to me if that makes sense. Because he probably is scared of getting back into that  old pattern where he calls and i dont pick up and tell him i was busy. 😳 which i as already stated   was guilty  of doing. 

Anyway i swear keeping in touch with  a potential is hard when ive just gotten used to doing my own thing for so long. But i know people who have a romantic interest in one another are meant to keep in touch regularly 😳🤔

Apparently he told me his now ex used to complain how he didnt call her enough. Its ironic how with me it was the otherway around 😂 😳

[miranda561]

26 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

I personally think this ship has sailed. I don’t think he’s interested anymore. Also, this is entirely wayyyy too much drama when you’ve only just spoken a few times and not even met. 
 

Move on and forget about him. It sounds like you don’t know what you want. Maybe figure that out before you date. Maybe you’re not ready to date yet. No one says you have to date. People should only be dating when their life is fully in order and they want to include someone in it. Unfortunately, way too many people date for all the wrong reasons. 
 

 

I know but ive been single fpr years though. So i dont have that need to just date because  i need someone. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, miranda561 said:

I know but ive been single fpr years though. So i dont have that need to just date because  i need someone. 

You need to sot yourself out fist. 

You're not ready to date if you make it this difficult to even talk to you.