Married for 7 years with a young child getting ready to divorce

[RoseGold18]

I’m a 37/F married to a 40/M and we have a 5 year old son. 

We’re planning on divorcing and I’m just a little scared. It was my decision and my husband seems to be on board with it. We’re planning on a civil divorce where we can both work out a parenting plan and splitting of assets without hiring an attorney. 

We have a house we have to sell first and then I’m looking at buying my own condo. I’m excited and feel “ready” to start moving on but I am also scared. I’m sure that is a normal feeling to have but it makes me second guess myself sometimes. 

I don’t have family support and I’ll be on my own, with the help of my husband splitting custody 50/50 and expenses for our son 50/50. 

We are mostly just comfortable with each other but we’re not in a loving relationship. We sleep in separate rooms and have for years. We have not had sex in 2 years and we basically live like roommates. We usually coparent just fine living in one house but lately with Covid-19 and both of us working from home it’s clear that this isn’t going to work. 

I’m not in love with my husband and would like the opportunity to maybe find happiness while I am still young. I do realize that might never happen but I feel like I would be happier alone than in a loving-less relationship. 

The one thing we have going for us is our agreement on finances. We have agreed on the splitting of assets and still contributing to our sons college fund like we’ve always done. 

I just don’t know what the right answer is. I go back and forth. On one hand I know that I’ve thought about leaving for 2 years but it’s always been fear that makes me stay. Then I read things about people dying and they wish they had enough courage to make different decisions in their life and it really hits me. 

I can financially support myself. It won’t be as cushy as I have it now but I can do it. I just think to myself, if I can do this on my own why am I staying. 

We’ve agreed that things like swim practice or soccer practice etc... we can both attend and be fine. We even have a planned trip in November that we plan to go on. 

I sort of think two things:

1. That this is better while our son is still young. 
2. That if I leave before we really start to hate each other that we will be able to coparent and be civil with each other. 

Any advice, words of wisdom, your own personal story, etc...?

Thank you  

[DKT3]

No one can give you advice that will make it easier.  It just has to be done.

As far as finding happiness, (because I remember you from your prior posts) it will not come from divorce or even another man. You are why you're not happy,  you are at least 50% why your marriage failed,  you have a history of seeking the easy way.  There is no easy way here.

[Marc878]

Happiness comes from within. I suspect you’ll do another repeat. Laying in the victim chair changes nothing.

[RoseGold18]

29 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Happiness comes from within. I suspect you’ll do another repeat. Laying in the victim chair changes nothing.

Yeah I mean not sure what this means. I’m not trying to play victim. 

No doubt I am partly to blame for the situation that I’m in, but no one knows the whole situation except for the people in it. 

Okay... sure I had an affair. It’s all in my previous posts but that doesn’t mean that I can’t seek advice and/or support for finally doing the right thing and leaving my dead bedroom dead-end relationship with a guy who has no interest in me  

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

Well, I for one am impressed that you have finally come around and agreed to do the right thing by your husband. 

It will be hard, but I doubt that you will regret this decision. 

If you don’t mind my asking, where are things at with your MM?

[preraph]

I think you and your husband have taken a healthy approach to it.  You'll make it work.  You'll have some newfound freedom.  50/50 custody is the way to go.  It will even give you a little leisure time to date or just rest like you've not been able to do for awhile.  But that extra time for you is also there in case you felt you had to temporarily get a little second job for extra income.  Lots of mothers want more custody and just don't understand how big a bind that can put them in.  This gives you some options.  And it's great you two are getting along okay.  The kids will see you both a lot.  Good luck!

[Marc878]

58 minutes ago, RoseGold18 said:

Yeah I mean not sure what this means. I’m not trying to play victim. 

No doubt I am partly to blame for the situation that I’m in, but no one knows the whole situation except for the people in it. 

Okay... sure I had an affair. It’s all in my previous posts but that doesn’t mean that I can’t seek advice and/or support for finally doing the right thing and leaving my dead bedroom dead-end relationship with a guy who has no interest in me  

 

 

 

We all get the chance to try and make life what we want. It’s totally up to you. May not be perfect. May take time but it is doable. 
 

That’s the gist of what I wanted you to see.

[RoseGold18]

35 minutes ago, preraph said:

I think you and your husband have taken a healthy approach to it.  You'll make it work.  You'll have some newfound freedom.  50/50 custody is the way to go.  It will even give you a little leisure time to date or just rest like you've not been able to do for awhile.  But that extra time for you is also there in case you felt you had to temporarily get a little second job for extra income.  Lots of mothers want more custody and just don't understand how big a bind that can put them in.  This gives you some options.  And it's great you two are getting along okay.  The kids will see you both a lot.  Good luck!

Thanks for your input. I am looking forward to some me time even though I’m sure I’ll miss my son like crazy.  

So far I think I’ll be able to swing it with my one job, but we’ll see. 

I just keep going back and forth to excitement to being scared and self doubt. 

[preraph]

You will miss him at first, but you can talk to him, and you'll love the free time. 

[RoseGold18]

43 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Well, I for one am impressed that you have finally come around and agreed to do the right thing by your husband. 

It will be hard, but I doubt that you will regret this decision. 

If you don’t mind my asking, where are things at with your MM?

I hope you’re right about not regretting this decision. I’m hoping that in the long run we are both happier but who really knows. It’s definitely not the ideal situation. Not one that I ever thought I would be in anyway. 

I still talk to the MM and we see each other occasionally although it’s been hard with Covid-19. He knows I’m planning on leaving and is being supportive. I have no expectations of him leaving his wife. Their situation is completely different than mine. 

Things were actually going okay with my husband and I. I mean we’re never great but things were like normal. But then we’re both working from home with our son also staying home and it’s caused some fighting. Then some things were said by my husband that I just can’t forgive and forget. 

I still have moments where I am not sure I’m making the right decision n
 

 

[BaileyB]

Think of it this way, you couldn’t really continue as you have been... it sounded like misery. At least now, you have the chance to find happiness...

But in order to find true happiness, you will still need to let go of your MM. That relationship is going nowhere and no man is going to want to date a woman who is in a relationship with a MM. 

I’m very pleased to hear this update. You sound happier and more at peace than you have ever sounded before. You are going about this the right way, you have a good plan, and you will make it work. I wish you all the best! 

[AMarriedMan]

6 hours ago, RoseGold18 said:

I sort of think two things:

1. That this is better while our son is still young. 
2. That if I leave before we really start to hate each other that we will be able to coparent and be civil with each other. 

Any advice, words of wisdom, your own personal story, etc...?

Thank you  

It sounds like you're both rational, balanced and trustworthy individuals. For you, divorcing now will probably work best if you both really have stopped loving each other. You suspect staying together much longer could make you hostile toward one another and jeopardize co-parenting peacefully. It sounds as if you have already made up your mind.

Just a tangential thought, have you considered how your co-parenting will work when/if new partners enter the picture? From your description, it sounds neither of you is unlikely to cause trouble because of that later on.

[DKT3]

11 minutes ago, AMarriedMan said:

It sounds like you're both rational, balanced and trustworthy individuals. For you, divorcing now will probably work best if you both really have stopped loving each other. You suspect staying together much longer could make you hostile toward one another and jeopardize co-parenting peacefully. It sounds as if you have already made up your mind.

Just a tangential thought, have you considered how your co-parenting will work when/if new partners enter the picture? From your description, it sounds neither of you is unlikely to cause trouble because of that later on.

She is having an affair,  so I'm not sure how trustworthy her husband will see her. The affair also makes everything very fragile and potentially volatile.  I also believe there is a very good chance she will create problems when her husband starts dating another woman.  I say this because she says she isn't playing the victim then in the next post she says he said some things to her she can't forgive.  She has been (if I remember correctly) with several men and she cant forgive his words? That's playing the victim. 

[AMarriedMan]

23 hours ago, DKT3 said:

She is having an affair,  so I'm not sure how trustworthy her husband will see her. The affair also makes everything very fragile and potentially volatile.  I also believe there is a very good chance she will create problems when her husband starts dating another woman.  I say this because she says she isn't playing the victim then in the next post she says he said some things to her she can't forgive.  She has been (if I remember correctly) with several men and she cant forgive his words? That's playing the victim. 

Very good points. 

From what you say and from what I've read it seems that the marriage is too far gone to be salvaged. For their child's sake, they should do their best to get a long well enough to co-parent adequately post divorce. What I meant by them being rational, balanced and trustworthy is that other than the infidelity, OP does not mention abuse, addiction or any other serious problems of that nature that might jeopardise their competence at parenting. 

 

[spiritedaway2003]

When I respond to a post, I don't look back at the history because I want to post thoughts and advice from a clean slate (and on the now).  I actually remember your username/thread for some reason.  I'm glad to read this update, because I think you are in a much healthier state of mind than before.

I don't have a lot of advice, but I'm that it's as amicable of a split as possible, as much as these things can go (but which is good for your child, and for co-parenting).  Recognizing and accepting that "I do realize that might never happen but I feel like I would be happier alone than in a loving-less relationship" is a big step forward too.

If you can financially support yourself, you are in a good position.  I'm a workaholic, so I would liken this to starting a new job.  Sometimes we might comfortable where we are in a job but for whatever reasons, it's not working for you. You don't know if a new job is going to work out, and you find that change is scary.  I find that more often than not, whether or not the new job works out, you will be OK in the long run.

Edited April 21, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[MilitaryMan]

I say divorce your Husband. Please spare him! Your already sleeping around on him and having an affair. It’s not fair for him. It’s sad you are doubting if your making the wrong decision about leaving. You mind is already made up! Your cheating!!! Some people I just don’t get. I understand you came here not to be belittled and I’m sorry if I’m coming off a little blunt, but please spare the man so he can be happy

[stillafool]

On 4/19/2020 at 3:49 PM, RoseGold18 said:

I just keep going back and forth to excitement to being scared and self doubt.

What you're feeling is normal.  I felt that way too before I divorced my 1st husband but when I moved into my own place I felt happy and relieved.

[stillafool]

On 4/19/2020 at 2:44 PM, RoseGold18 said:

Okay... sure I had an affair. It’s all in my previous posts but that doesn’t mean that I can’t seek advice and/or support for finally doing the right thing and leaving my dead bedroom dead-end relationship with a guy who has no interest in me  

I haven't read your past threads.  Does the bold part mean you confessed the affair to your husband?

[emprosnet7]

On 5/7/2020 at 1:58 AM, stillafool said:

I haven't read your past threads.  Does the bold part mean you confessed the affair to your husband?

If the husband does not know already, that is nasty.