Jealous friends

[heartbrokenwife]

I have noticed that a few of my friends have become very superficial in the last few years. They do not seem genuinely happy for me. They seem to be copying my decisions or follow my choices. Recently, I got a big job with a lot of perks. But very friends seem happy from their heart. Most are pulling me down with snide comments and comparing their jobs to my job when that is not even close.

I know its jealousy and I should not let it affect me, but I do and it gets me low. How to move on?

Have you all had this before? How to keep this negativity out of your life when they are in your social circle? 

[Mystery4u]

If that's how they are then they are not your friends. Stop socialising with them. Find better friends and keep the good ones in your life.

[stillafool]

True friends are happy for their friends achievements and anything that happens positive in their lives.  These are not your friends.  Make new ones.

[heartbrokenwife]

Hi Mystery4u and Stillafool,

i try to keep away as much details as possible but they are also in my extended circle of friends where everyone knows the other.. 

so its hard to cut ties.. But i will try.. its that they call me congratulate and pass snide remarks that make sit up in the night and think about it.. I think I should give it right back at them but I never do..

 

 

[NomiMalone]

You should never ever be made to feel that way by anyone! They’re clearly not nice people, insecure and not your real friends. If you’re not able to cut them off completely, cut down on the time you spend with them, make your texts and conversations friendly but short and impersonal, and don’t tell them anything. They’ll get the message eventually. People like that rarely ever change, so don’t hang around hoping they’ll become the friends you want them to be. I recently cut off a toxic, critical friend and it’s the most empowering feeling ever, knowing I have a choice to not put up with being put down. 

[stillafool]

On 4/19/2020 at 8:14 PM, heartbrokenwife said:

Hi Mystery4u and Stillafool,

i try to keep away as much details as possible but they are also in my extended circle of friends where everyone knows the other.. 

so its hard to cut ties.. But i will try.. its that they call me congratulate and pass snide remarks that make sit up in the night and think about it.. I think I should give it right back at them but I never do..

 

 

You are correct.  Do not let them get away with snide remarks in your presence.  Practice some of the pay back remarks you can shoot at them the next time they do it.  When they see you're on to them and won't take it they'll stop.  They are being bullies.

[JTSW]

They are not your friends.

The only way forward from this is to cut ties.

Don't lower yourself to their level.

[preraph]

Yeah, don't let them get away with snide remarks.  Give it right back to them. 

[I get it]

I would not give snide remarks back.  Take the high road.

[Fair]

OMG yes. 

This is very common. VERY common. 

it may seem like it's more prevalent 'these days' but when I think back on Kindergarten girls were jealous and competitive with me even then and boys were the fledgling jerks they remained all throughout high school. It's very difficult to find anyone worth associating with especially if you're trying to achieve anything! Even if they're successful themselves, they're usually not happy and bitter about something and can't spare the generosity to be happy for someone else.

At least people are showing you their true colors... look at it that way. Their behaviour means it's time to clean house where your social circle is concerned. Make no mistake, if you hang around them long enough they WILL drag you down. All the way....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Playing devil's advocate here.  Make sure you're also BEING a friend and not just expecting them to be a friend and be happy for you.  Are you genuinely happy for their achievements?  Asking them about what's going in in their lives?  Beings sensitive to sharing your great news if they are struggling?

I have a friend who is obsessed with both her weight and material things. She was the type that in her divorce she took her ex to the cleaners even though she was the one who wanted the divorce. She's pretty entitled. She vents to me ALL the time about her boyfriend (I'm talking calling me sobbing at least twice a week).  A month or two I had had enough of her constantly lamenting her gain of 3 pounds, inability to lose 5 pounds, etc. (She's like a size 2).  I said, "ya know, it's really annoying to hear you constantly obsess about your weight when you do NOT have any kind of weight problem!  For those of us genuinely struggling, it's just plain annoying and insensitive."  She has, for the most part, stopped constantly talking to me about her weight.  A second example, same friend. This week she messaged me that she got a 6K raise out of the blue.  Yay! I was happy for her.  That's awesome.  She also just got her stimulus check and already makes good money.  Her boyfriend finally moved out this week and even though he was only there for 4 months she somehow got him to agree to give her 10K upon moving, which is the amount she "lost" in future alimony when he moved in.  So, yesterday morning I was telling her I was stressed because I got paid almost 3K less this in April than in March and previous months.  It's a huge loss of income and I'm worried about it.  I'm a single mom.  I barely get any child support.  I have credit card debt.  She was like "oh that sucks!  Why?" for a couple minutes.  Then she literally said, "Well, the GOOD news is, ____ (boyfriend), is out and I got my money!" I could not believe how insensitive she was.  I made a snarky comment about yes that is good news for her.  She said something like, "Oh sorry, I'm just so happy!"  This was via messenger and I just did not respond for a while.  Now, I know her well and I know she probably felt terrible about it and she hates when people are "mad" at her.  She can think of nothing else. Several hours later she started asking me questions about my job and other things.  I think she had called her mom and told her what happened and her mom was like "well yes that was insensitive! How often do you ask about HER?" (Her mom always tells her what a good friend I am to her since I listen to all of her venting and crying with patience).  I don't hold grudges.  I'm seeing her tomorrow to meet her new puppy.   But, if she said to someone that I was jealous of her success and making snarky comments, that would be why.

Not saying you are like this, but maybe just "check yourself."  If you're confident you're a great friend and sensitive to others, these ladies might just be jerks and you need new friends.

[FMW]

CautiouslyOptimistic has a great point.  We aren't always aware of how we come off to others, and sometimes we can stir up a defensive response.  

[heartbrokenwife]

16 hours ago, I get it said:

I would not give snide remarks back.  Take the high road.

Been doing this all along

[heartbrokenwife]

6 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Playing devil's advocate here.  Make sure you're also BEING a friend and not just expecting them to be a friend and be happy for you.  Are you genuinely happy for their achievements?  Asking them about what's going in in their lives?  Beings sensitive to sharing your great news if they are struggling?

I have a friend who is obsessed with both her weight and material things. She was the type that in her divorce she took her ex to the cleaners even though she was the one who wanted the divorce. She's pretty entitled. She vents to me ALL the time about her boyfriend (I'm talking calling me sobbing at least twice a week).  A month or two I had had enough of her constantly lamenting her gain of 3 pounds, inability to lose 5 pounds, etc. (She's like a size 2).  I said, "ya know, it's really annoying to hear you constantly obsess about your weight when you do NOT have any kind of weight problem!  For those of us genuinely struggling, it's just plain annoying and insensitive."  She has, for the most part, stopped constantly talking to me about her weight.  A second example, same friend. This week she messaged me that she got a 6K raise out of the blue.  Yay! I was happy for her.  That's awesome.  She also just got her stimulus check and already makes good money.  Her boyfriend finally moved out this week and even though he was only there for 4 months she somehow got him to agree to give her 10K upon moving, which is the amount she "lost" in future alimony when he moved in.  So, yesterday morning I was telling her I was stressed because I got paid almost 3K less this in April than in March and previous months.  It's a huge loss of income and I'm worried about it.  I'm a single mom.  I barely get any child support.  I have credit card debt.  She was like "oh that sucks!  Why?" for a couple minutes.  Then she literally said, "Well, the GOOD news is, ____ (boyfriend), is out and I got my money!" I could not believe how insensitive she was.  I made a snarky comment about yes that is good news for her.  She said something like, "Oh sorry, I'm just so happy!"  This was via messenger and I just did not respond for a while.  Now, I know her well and I know she probably felt terrible about it and she hates when people are "mad" at her.  She can think of nothing else. Several hours later she started asking me questions about my job and other things.  I think she had called her mom and told her what happened and her mom was like "well yes that was insensitive! How often do you ask about HER?" (Her mom always tells her what a good friend I am to her since I listen to all of her venting and crying with patience).  I don't hold grudges.  I'm seeing her tomorrow to meet her new puppy.   But, if she said to someone that I was jealous of her success and making snarky comments, that would be why.

Not saying you are like this, but maybe just "check yourself."  If you're confident you're a great friend and sensitive to others, these ladies might just be jerks and you need new friends.

Hi Cautiously optimistic,

I did think about it long and hard. I have known these people for the last 10years. From the time we were students. As students they were fine.. I noticed this change only in the last 4 years when they started making money. I make good money but I still live a modest life. I do not believe in living big for the sake of it. And in the years, I have always enquired after them. Talked to them. Been happy for them and even during personally difficult times been there for them and tried to make them happy. I remembered their birthdays and anniversaries, planned parties for them and their kids because I loved them. But I feel they treat me and husband unfairly and show us no respect even when we are nice to them all... They were not happy my company wanted to keep me and kept promoting me while they had to switch companies to get a raise.. They are not not happy that I am moving to a even bigger role in a better company.. whenever we meet they ask about how much I make though I refuse to engage in that conversation. These days, its always about the bigger car, house or who has the smarter baby.. I don't know what happened to my nice friends. As I said, I do not live big for the sake of it. So they believe I do not make enough and look down upon me and husband. But why should that be the case? Even now I am genuinely happy for them and all I want is a sincere "I am happy for you"  from them. But all I have are phone calls asking about job and they reply "Oh so it is like my job" or " you have been stuck in a company for too long. good someone offered you something". As though it just magically happened. Not one wished a sincere hearty congratulation and I was so sad about it. 

I really liked them I do not know why money changed them. I do not understand either.

[JTSW]

Like I said, they are not your friends.

They took advantage of your generosity and all the wonderful things you have done for them. 

They are treating life like a competition.

Don't let them put a dampener on your success.

Don't do anything for them anymore and take care of your own family.

You don't need these people to bring you down.

Edited May 3, 2020 by JTSW

[contel3]

I'm going to take a guess that this is not about money per se....but about insecurity. I am friends with people from incredibly different backgrounds and I've found that as long as someone isn't insecure about their income it doesn't matter if they make zero or seven figures….they won't treat you any different. 

I've experienced some similar situations with all kinds of things like looks, education, weight, family….it usually just tells you where the persons insecurities lie. And it's a lot to ask from someone who is deeply insecure about their career/income to be genuinely happy for you. They will be too caught up with themselves to care. If you really want friends who feel happy about your promotion you might be better off looking for other ones. 

I don't think you need to cut off the friends you have now, maybe try to talk about other things like common hobbies or interests….. or get a bit more distance so you don't feel as impacted by their negativity. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

12 hours ago, heartbrokenwife said:

These days, its always about the bigger car, house or who has the smarter baby.. I don't know what happened to my nice friends.

They became entitled hags?  

But seriously, these women are individually probably like this with each other, too, and not just with you.  You're just the nicer person. They've grown up into adults who value money and things and you go deeper.  

[elaine567]

When everyone is a student all are on a similar "level"
Once adult, one's success or failure as a person  is often  measured by material things
So jobs, salaries, houses, cars, holidays.. etc. matter and once kids come on the scene, their "quality" is also scrutinised and  assessed too.
People jostle for position, so your "big job", placed you higher up the ranks and so that was never going to go down well.

[heartbrokenwife]

8 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

They became entitled hags?  

But seriously, these women are individually probably like this with each other, too, and not just with you.  You're just the nicer person. They've grown up into adults who value money and things and you go deeper.  

Its very sad to see it happen.. They were nice people. we looked out for each other and helped each other.. I hope someday they realize people mean a lot more than money..

[JTSW]

I can see that you have a need to be liked and accepted.

These friends are fake.

Don't waste anymore of your time and effort on them. 

[heartbrokenwife]

On 5/3/2020 at 11:49 PM, JTSW said:

I can see that you have a need to be liked and accepted.

These friends are fake.

Don't waste anymore of your time and effort on them. 

I agree with you.. I have that need. I don't know how to come out of it.. Infact I'm suffering right now through separation from my husband alone. I haven't shared it my family because I am afraid my parents will see me as a shame or reject me because of the separation.. I am trying to learn that i cannot keep everyone happy..

I am moving to a different city because of the job so maybe its a blessing

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, heartbrokenwife said:

I agree with you.. I have that need. I don't know how to come out of it.. Infact I'm suffering right now through separation from my husband alone. I haven't shared it my family because I am afraid my parents will see me as a shame or reject me because of the separation.. I am trying to learn that i cannot keep everyone happy..

I am moving to a different city because of the job so maybe its a blessing

Why would your parents be ashamed and reject you because of the separation?

You need to take care of yourself first and not worry about anyone else.

[heartbrokenwife]

On 5/5/2020 at 1:32 PM, JTSW said:

Why would your parents be ashamed and reject you because of the separation?

You need to take care of yourself first and not worry about anyone else.

Dear JTSW,

I'm am from Asia. very different culture.. below is a thread to my separation issue. I know.. sometimes i keep thinking of others and i realise no one takes care of me. 

 

[MsJayne]

Bit late joining the conversation, but yes, I've had this done to me.  When I was young and had a crappy job and a crappy car, and a nasty boyfriend, etc, I was very popular with girlfriends, the first one they'd come to with a problem or the first one they'd invite to hang out. But within 5 years of getting my life together, becoming a professional, building a house, buying the car I'd always wanted, travelling to the places I'd always wanted to see, basically achieving a level of contentment and peaceful happiness.... surprise, surprise,  I was suddenly not so popular. I worried for a while thinking that maybe success had gone to my head and I'd become a pain, but no, I hadn't changed,  never did I rub friends noses in my success. I never bragged or spoke down to my friends, I treated them just the way I always had.  Someone else pointed out to me what was going on, which was that my success made some people feel inadequate by comparison, and that if they choose to measure themselves by my success then that's their problem, and if they're jealous and bitchy, that's their problem too. People who make snide comments aren't really saying anything about you, they're saying a lot about themselves. Find new friends, the sort who celebrate your successes and bring positive vibes to your life. 

[heartbrokenwife]

On 5/7/2020 at 1:38 AM, MsJayne said:

Bit late joining the conversation, but yes, I've had this done to me.  When I was young and had a crappy job and a crappy car, and a nasty boyfriend, etc, I was very popular with girlfriends, the first one they'd come to with a problem or the first one they'd invite to hang out. But within 5 years of getting my life together, becoming a professional, building a house, buying the car I'd always wanted, travelling to the places I'd always wanted to see, basically achieving a level of contentment and peaceful happiness.... surprise, surprise,  I was suddenly not so popular. I worried for a while thinking that maybe success had gone to my head and I'd become a pain, but no, I hadn't changed,  never did I rub friends noses in my success. I never bragged or spoke down to my friends, I treated them just the way I always had.  Someone else pointed out to me what was going on, which was that my success made some people feel inadequate by comparison, and that if they choose to measure themselves by my success then that's their problem, and if they're jealous and bitchy, that's their problem too. People who make snide comments aren't really saying anything about you, they're saying a lot about themselves. Find new friends, the sort who celebrate your successes and bring positive vibes to your life. 

Thank you Ms Jayne for giving me hope that I am not the problem here. I am hoping the move will help me. Fingers crossed. Will choose my friends more wisely.