zig Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 This is something I've been working on and it has made a difference lately in my marriage. But lets just say I'm just a dumb guy that doesn't know how to connect emotionally with a woman (which I don't really) so I need some help. Would like to hear from some women on what it is they want from a man emotionally and some advice on what to do or say. And men what works for you to connect with your wife or g/f. I've been trying to talk more with my wife about my feelings and listen to her. I see a big difference already between us but I need a little direction on where to take this and how to keep the ball rolling. Need more. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 This is only 1 piece, but I found cuddling/spooning at convenient times like TV time or early mornings seems to help a bit. This study, which I found interesting and helpful, seems to say that communication is key after all... https://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11 Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 I think something that both partners could do (not just men, although they have more of a reputation for doing it) is just listen when the other is talking instead of trying to offer a solution. Sometimes we just need someone to listen and be like 'wow, that must have been hard for you' instead of trying to give you a solution which may or may not feel like you are doing something wrong or feel like you're not being heard. What I love most about my relationship is that he lets me be me. We all have our faults, I have mine and he has his. We don't try to change each other, we just try to roll with everything. We are very affectionate with each other and I think this keeps us connected. We hold hands when we sleep much of the time. It's gross. lol But I love it 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VIOLET EDEN Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 Have some alone time together, watch movies, maybe cook together (if thats something you guys like )play games, build a bond of friendship. Not all good friends make great spouses. But all great spouses are good friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 20, 2020 Share Posted April 20, 2020 It would help if you laid out some of your wife's complaints--I assume you're asking this because your wife says something about you being distant. If ople get silence, then here's what they think. This person doesn't like me. This person is miserable to be with. This marriage sucks. What's wrong with me. Maybe he/she is having an affair. Want some really helpful tips, share with us some about what your wife says ... and explain your sense ... what makes you bad with emotions. I'm just assuming that you're a person who comes home, looks miserable and distracted ... and yet when asked how you're doing, you abruptly say, "fine." That doesn't work in 2020. I can share more later, but give us some more background on what's going on. We'll give you much better tips that way. Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 Not all women want the same thing. Personally, I just want my husband to be authentic with me. I would hate romantic gestures that he feels obligated to do. I like my husband to play with me, and be a little silly at times, but nothing to juvenile. He acts like a horny teenager at times and it kills my mood faster than anything. I didn't like horny teenagers when I was one, so at 50 it's just annoying. Sadly, he thinks I'm kidding. I'm not. So, if you're wife tells you not to do something, it might be in your best interest to not do it. Have you asked your wife what she needs from you emotionally? Most wonderful are happy to answer that. I can think of dozens of some that make me think of my husband, he had never mentioned one that makes him think of me. It's a tiny thing, but those tiny things are wear the problems start in a marriage. Don't get me wing, were happily married, for 20+ years. I will give you the advice I have my daughter's fiance', don't do grand gestures if you can't keep up with them. It really is the little things that matter. Leaving a sweet note on the fridge for her. Make her breakfast. Offer to do a chore she plans on doing if she's had a long day. Rub her back or feet. Just little things that you don't have to plot and plan for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 21, 2020 Author Share Posted April 21, 2020 18 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: It would help if you laid out some of your wife's complaints Not many complaints really.... but I know something wasn't (isn't) right. We've had some struggles recently but now have been locked down in the house because of Covid-19. This has been a blessing in disguise. At least for me it's given me much time to think and work on our relationship. We are forced to be together more so I think both of us just thought, "lets make the best of this". As a result we are connecting again and it's made such a huge difference. Not to make everything about sex but for the first time in such a long time my wife actually desires and enjoys sex. It's like when we were dating and she would rip my clothes off and not take no for an answer. I attribute this to nothing more than us having an emotional connection again. Now I want to explore how and where we lost that and how to get it back. So far so good. I'm optimistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 21, 2020 Author Share Posted April 21, 2020 5 hours ago, IndigoNight said: Not all women want the same thing. Personally, I just want my husband to be authentic with me. I would hate romantic gestures that he feels obligated to do. I like my husband to play with me, and be a little silly at times, but nothing to juvenile. He acts like a horny teenager at times and it kills my mood faster than anything. I didn't like horny teenagers when I was one, so at 50 it's just annoying. Sadly, he thinks I'm kidding. I'm not. So, if you're wife tells you not to do something, it might be in your best interest to not do it. Have you asked your wife what she needs from you emotionally? Most wonderful are happy to answer that. I can think of dozens of some that make me think of my husband, he had never mentioned one that makes him think of me. It's a tiny thing, but those tiny things are wear the problems start in a marriage. Don't get me wing, were happily married, for 20+ years. I will give you the advice I have my daughter's fiance', don't do grand gestures if you can't keep up with them. It really is the little things that matter. Leaving a sweet note on the fridge for her. Make her breakfast. Offer to do a chore she plans on doing if she's had a long day. Rub her back or feet. Just little things that you don't have to plot and plan for. That's all good advice..... especially the part about simply asking her how I can fill her emotional needs. I didn't realize most women would love to be asked that question. It's not a question a lot of men would ask... at least not the dumb ones like me. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 dude, be a man first and a husband second 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 (edited) Zig, Sounds perhaps like being around each other has been great for you guys. One challenge of relationships and maybe especially for men is to come home at the end of the date and find a way to connect with your partner. It's easy to come home tired and worn down ... and worn out ... and thus be distant ... But maybe you guys being around each other has broken through that tendency. Great to hear that you guys have rediscovered your passion for each other. At some point (doesn't have to be now) talk to her about this ... less a "what I did wrong" thing ... more a "wow, how can we keep this going?"! Don't know if your jobs allow ... but might be when you guys go back to leaving the home, you (both of you) talk during the day a bit more ... send little nice notes to each other ... just to sustain that feeling of connection you have now. Just throwing out ideas. One challenge I'm aware of is ... both partners reach the end of the day feeling tired ... and both really want to be taken care of by the other. Throw in kids and caretaking and TLC usually get pushed to the side. Someone has to go first to take care of the other ... and then let the other do the nurturing on a different day .. .something like that ... you have to experiment. Great to hear things are good! Edited April 21, 2020 by Lotsgoingon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 22, 2020 Share Posted April 22, 2020 8 hours ago, zig said: It's like when we were dating and she would rip my clothes off and not take no for an answer. I attribute this to nothing more than us having an emotional connection again. Now I want to explore how and where we lost that and how to get it back. I suspect you're on to something there. I've also found that "just doing it more" seems to increase the interest in doing it more sometimes (if there aren't other life issues distracting/getting in the way). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wtm78 Posted April 22, 2020 Share Posted April 22, 2020 On 4/20/2020 at 9:08 PM, zig said: This is something I've been working on and it has made a difference lately in my marriage. But lets just say I'm just a dumb guy that doesn't know how to connect emotionally with a woman (which I don't really) so I need some help. Would like to hear from some women on what it is they want from a man emotionally and some advice on what to do or say. And men what works for you to connect with your wife or g/f. I've been trying to talk more with my wife about my feelings and listen to her. I see a big difference already between us but I need a little direction on where to take this and how to keep the ball rolling. Need more. different female have different needs. some wants to talk about feelings some dont, some wants to hear your vision, some wants to tell you hers.. perhaps you think back, during your dating days, what made her attached to you and what made her feel emotionally connected then? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted April 27, 2020 Share Posted April 27, 2020 I love it when my boyfriend compliments me, talks sweet to me. I'm a sucker for that. Sincere, of course. I love that he's very affectionate anytime we're cuddled up in bed. I love when he pinches my butt and does other playful and sexy things like that when walking by me in the kitchen and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 (edited) On 4/21/2020 at 10:48 AM, zig said: Not many complaints really.... but I know something wasn't (isn't) right. We've had some struggles recently but now have been locked down in the house because of Covid-19. This has been a blessing in disguise. At least for me it's given me much time to think and work on our relationship. We are forced to be together more so I think both of us just thought, "lets make the best of this". As a result we are connecting again and it's made such a huge difference. Not to make everything about sex but for the first time in such a long time my wife actually desires and enjoys sex. It's like when we were dating and she would rip my clothes off and not take no for an answer. I attribute this to nothing more than us having an emotional connection again. Now I want to explore how and where we lost that and how to get it back. So far so good. I'm optimistic. Because she isn’t getting her needs filled by the guy she was dating. You know the dad she was doing the play dates with. You know this isn’t going to last. You can’t nice your way back. The underlying problem is still there. Your wife was cheating on you and was ready to leave. You have done nothing to fix this. Once house arrest is over they will start seeing one another again. Edited April 28, 2020 by usa1ah Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 On 4/20/2020 at 9:08 AM, zig said: I've been trying to talk more with my wife about my feelings and listen to her. I see a big difference already between us but I need a little direction on where to take this and how to keep the ball rolling. Need more. the direction you take it is into the bedroom 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 29, 2020 Author Share Posted April 29, 2020 18 hours ago, usa1ah said: Because she isn’t getting her needs filled by the guy she was dating. You know the dad she was doing the play dates with. You know this isn’t going to last. You can’t nice your way back. The underlying problem is still there. Your wife was cheating on you and was ready to leave. You have done nothing to fix this. Once house arrest is over they will start seeing one another again. Ah ha, very interesting thought. I'm pretty sure she ended that relationship but you're right, the circumstances are very suspect. I'll keep my eye on that and if they start seeing each other again I'll know something is up. I'm not sure about the exact timing she stopped seeing him but yes, it was around the same time. I'll have to look back on the dates of the posts. Oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted May 1, 2020 Share Posted May 1, 2020 (edited) Why in the world would you want to connect emotionally with an unremorseful cheater? That's just doing the pick me dance and setting yourself up for more misery. I've personally turned over a new leaf. Being Mr. Nice Guy never got me anything but heartache. There is PDF you can download for free called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. I would recommend reading it. If you going to be all sweet and nice, do it from a position of power and control. Most women don't respect men that are pushovers. Edited May 1, 2020 by Zona 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted May 1, 2020 Author Share Posted May 1, 2020 3 hours ago, Zona said: Why in the world would you want to connect emotionally with an unremorseful cheater? I have reasons to suspect something may have been going on but no factual evidence. Gut feelings can be wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 2 hours ago, zig said: I have reasons to suspect something may have been going on but no factual evidence. Gut feelings can be wrong. Gut feelings are usually right. There is no way in the world you should let your wife go on dates with this guy with the children in tow. Totally inappropriate. The weird thing is, if you let her do it and don't say anything, she may start to think you don't really care about her that much, and that wouldn't be good, especially if the dude is a cheater type. Men going after a married woman almost always try to drive a wedge between husband and wife by saying he doesn't care, he's not a good husband etc. Once that happens and the woman buys into it, it's only a matter of time until you-know-what happens. That happened with my wayward wife. They worked together for years and he kept subtly putting me down until she started to believe what he was saying and it was all downhill from there. Read that book I recommended and then put your foot down in an assertive but pleasant manner. I doubt she will be mad at all, and if she is, then that's a big red flag. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 (edited) On 4/29/2020 at 8:16 AM, zig said: Ah ha, very interesting thought. I'm pretty sure she ended that relationship but you're right, the circumstances are very suspect. I'll keep my eye on that and if they start seeing each other again I'll know something is up. I'm not sure about the exact timing she stopped seeing him but yes, it was around the same time. I'll have to look back on the dates of the posts. Oh well. Zig I feel for you man. I don’t know what it is going to take for you to see what she be up to. You really need to read No More Mr Nice Guy. Not to divorce your wife but to man up some. She was seeing the OM for a reason (not that it makes it right). Is it because you don’t respect yourself? It is ok and great to talk with your wife on how to make the marriage better. Ask her if there are things she is missing in the relationship. But you better not back down from letting her know what you need as well. You might as well start by telling no more dating the other man. Did they go on that date that you saw that she asked if he was wanting to go on with the kids? Edited May 2, 2020 by usa1ah Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 7 hours ago, zig said: I have reasons to suspect something may have been going on but no factual evidence. Gut feelings can be wrong. Hardly ever wrong. You know when something is off with someone you have been with for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted May 2, 2020 Author Share Posted May 2, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, usa1ah said: Zig I feel for you man. I don’t know what it is going to take for you to see what she be up to...............Did they go on that date that you saw that she asked if he was wanting to go on with the kids? What it will take for me to see is them start up again after social distancing stops. Then I will know something is up and will go full on Magnum P.I. Edited May 2, 2020 by zig Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 1 hour ago, zig said: What it will take for me to see is them start up again after social distancing stops. Then I will know something is up and will go full on Magnum P.I. I'm kinda confused. Why wouldn't it start up again if your wife thinks you are OK with it? Even if there is no cheating yet, she probably likes getting attention from another man. This can be a very slippery slope. I would recommend you tell her you are not comfortable with it, and see her reaction. If she gets angry and calls you controlling, then you pretty well have your answer right there. Same if she says she will stop, but then takes in underground and does it behind your back. It's going to be hard to reconnect emotionally with your wife if you have these fears/doubts rattling around in your head. Get this out of the way, and then work on it when you are in a better headspace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted May 3, 2020 Author Share Posted May 3, 2020 On 5/2/2020 at 11:07 AM, Zona said: I'm kinda confused. Why wouldn't it start up again if your wife thinks you are OK with it? because she told me, "hey my g/f pointed out to me that you likely have a problem with me seeing him so I decided to end it" If its ended then its ended. Makes no sense to me to bring it up unless it starts again. She said it was done....... so it's done in my mind until I find out otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted May 4, 2020 Share Posted May 4, 2020 Fair enough. You did mention that she texted him about some kind of upcoming festival. Was that before she said would stop? If it was after then that is a problem. Keep your eyes wide open for now, especially once the shelter in place orders are lifted. One more thing, are you doing anything to spice up the bedroom? Women get bored with the same old thing quicker than men. Nothing like good $ ex to reconnect! 😋 Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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