difficulty to cope

[the tank]

I broke up in february after 5 months relationship with a single mom. I broke up because it was mostly a one side relationship. I had to make most of the compromise. I struggle to set boundaries. She was a bit controlling and I was feeling insecure because of it. But apart of it, he were going really well together, we had a lot in commun.

 I can't help wondering if I made the right decision because I was bad at communicating what I want from our relationship . I kind of regret it. I am wondering if the relationship could I've work if I talked more openly to her when we were together.

 

 

[Beachead]

Hi OP,

Did you communicate how you felt to her before you broke up with her?  If so,  then you did all you could do and ended it for reasons that were very important to you at the time.  You simply need to just remind yourself of what those reasons were.  When we breakup, we're itching to get away from the relationship because for whatever reason, its draining us.  But after some time, having some space, we begin to process what happened and we gain clarity and see what happened from a different set of eyes.  By this point, we may not know what's going on in our exes lives and don't have access to them.  They're gone.   This can trigger anxiety which can trigger feelings of second guessing yourself.  Feelings of missing them.  But, there were probably a lot of events that led to your decision to ending it.  All you have to do is reinforce what those events were and how they made you feel as well as what you were feeling and thinking when you ended it.  Writing this out helps you see your thoughts on paper which is something you can reread whenever you get weak and have second thoughts. 

On the other hand, if you didn't communicate how you felt with her and you simply ended it..then the question is why do you think you ended it without communicating with her?  

- Beach

 

 

[preraph]

If you struggle to set boundaries (and a lot of us do because we don't want to rock the boat) then you have to either learn to communicate without rocking the boat too much but still stand up for yourself, or you have to hope you meet someone there isn't as much conflict with.  But honestly, you need to master the communication because the longer you're in a relationship, the more important that becomes.  No one is EVER going to be your perfect match that there is no conflict with.  That woman lives only in your head.  

 

Write this one off because she sounds  little extreme, but start working on being able to verbalize things at the right time when neither person is upset.  Wait until you're both calm and then calmly bring it up.  On the next relationship.  Practice on friends until then and coworkers. 

[the tank]

43 minutes ago, Beachead said:

Hi OP,

Did you communicate how you felt to her before you broke up with her? 

We talked for two hours before the break up. I text her one month ago and she ignored me. Since then I am doing a therapy and I realised I had poor boundary on the relationship but it was also difficult to tell her what I thought because she was stubborn.  But you may be right. I need to refocus on why I broke up. 

 

39 minutes ago, preraph said:

If you struggle to set boundaries (and a lot of us do because we don't want to rock the boat) then you have to either learn to communicate without rocking the boat too much but still stand up for yourself, or you have to hope you meet someone there isn't as much conflict with.  But honestly, you need to master the communication because the longer you're in a relationship, the more important that becomes.  No one is EVER going to be your perfect match that there is no conflict with.  That woman lives only in your head.  

 

Write this one off because she sounds  little extreme, but start working on being able to verbalize things at the right time when neither person is upset.  Wait until you're both calm and then calmly bring it up.  On the next relationship.  Practice on friends until then and coworkers. 

I need to work on it. I dont know if we would have had a relationship with her if I was good at communicating my need. She was self center but I was giving her every attention until the last week of our relationship when I just waked up. When I finally told her my need about something, i realized we were not a team. I dont know why I missed her now

[preraph]

Well, you finally told her your need and found out it wasn't going to work out.  That is why we date, to find out if we're compatible.  But yeah, don't let it build up.  Talk about things.  You can't MAKE yourself compatible for someone, though.  There has to be some it that comes naturally and then the rest has to be talked through and if you can't do that, you're not compatible.

[the tank]

I agree about the compatibility, this thread help me to refocus on the right direction. I may feel like this just because I feel alone.

Edited April 20, 2020 by the tank

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

I'm sorry for your pain and heartache. As to why you miss here there's a phrase we use in the USA (maybe other places too I"m not sure) - "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"...it's easy to, especially when the initial shock wears off - to miss someone you knew wasn't good for you or to you. As the person who ended the relationship (dumper) it usually triggers a little later whereas the person on the receiving end (the dumpee) usually has that feeling right from the start. Now, I was conditioned from childhood to be the "nice guy" - be polite, go above and beyond for others, ignore my feelings, wants, needs, dreams. And in the past when a relationship ended I always blamed myself (not matter if I was the dumper or dumpee) for things not working out and it was hard to focus on the bad times, the bad things that happened and see the entire relationship from an even perspective, because that conditioning made me feel like I wasn't good enough or didn't do enough, or didn't try hard enough when in reality I'm a giver and have always put way more into a relationship then whoever I was dating. So I had to learn that lesson over and over again the hard way. As time goes by if you learn what your demons/problems are and focus on yourself and your own happiness, wants, and needs, you'll be able to look back on this or any other relationship from the past with a balanced view and see things for how they were from both sides. Hang in there - it does get better. And to process the emotions - WRITE. If you don't like writing then simply type and send yourself an email - everyday, multiple times a day if you need to - and you can make it a bullet point list - 5 things - 1. Your qualities 2. Your accomplishments 3. Your goals. 4. Traits you want/need in a partner 5. Bad things about your ex and/or why the relationship didn't work. Repeat, EVERY SINGLE DAY. It will help reinforce things for you and give you a quick to access resource to help remind yourself of all of those points when you're feeling down or you mind starts to spiral.

[preraph]

16 hours ago, the tank said:

I agree about the compatibility, this thread help me to refocus on the right direction. I may feel like this just because I feel alone.

Well, a lot of us are reluctant to rock the boat.  We want it to work.  But you have to remember it's no good unless they love you for who you are.  So those on here who have long-term good relationships say communication is so important, that you are both able to do it without it just making someone leave the room.  And in a long relationship, compromise is essential on both sides, but you should never be the one to make all the concessions . You want someone who loves you but doesn't make you miserable. 

[Ellener]

18 hours ago, the tank said:

I may feel like this just because I feel alone.

It's a bad feeling in a time like this isn't it. But the ability to be alone, to cope and even thrive alone, it's necessary to be happy and secure in a relationship I think, not just being there from fear of being alone I mean. 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[preraph]

Meanwhile, go to animal services and get yourself a cat or dog to keep you company if you have a place for one.  

[the tank]

3 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

OP,

 

I'm sorry for your pain and heartache. As to why you miss here there's a phrase we use in the USA (maybe other places too I"m not sure) - "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"...it's easy to, especially when the initial shock wears off - to miss someone you knew wasn't good for you or to you. As the person who ended the relationship (dumper) it usually triggers a little later whereas the person on the receiving end (the dumpee) usually has that feeling right from the start. Now, I was conditioned from childhood to be the "nice guy" - be polite, go above and beyond for others, ignore my feelings, wants, needs, dreams. And in the past when a relationship ended I always blamed myself (not matter if I was the dumper or dumpee) for things not working out and it was hard to focus on the bad times, the bad things that happened and see the entire relationship from an even perspective, because that conditioning made me feel like I wasn't good enough or didn't do enough, or didn't try hard enough when in reality I'm a giver and have always put way more into a relationship then whoever I was dating. So I had to learn that lesson over and over again the hard way. As time goes by if you learn what your demons/problems are and focus on yourself and your own happiness, wants, and needs, you'll be able to look back on this or any other relationship from the past with a balanced view and see things for how they were from both sides. Hang in there - it does get better. And to process the emotions - WRITE. If you don't like writing then simply type and send yourself an email - everyday, multiple times a day if you need to - and you can make it a bullet point list - 5 things - 1. Your qualities 2. Your accomplishments 3. Your goals. 4. Traits you want/need in a partner 5. Bad things about your ex and/or why the relationship didn't work. Repeat, EVERY SINGLE DAY. It will help reinforce things for you and give you a quick to access resource to help remind yourself of all of those points when you're feeling down or you mind starts to spiral.

You really described myself. I am also a giver. I am doing a therapy to find my demons/problems. It really help me so far. I will try writing, really good tips. Thank you.

[Beachead]

@the tank

I'm with Scooby on all his points.   I've found  through experience that a lot of the reasons for why we feel what we feel and do what we do during and after breakups, often comes from within us, more than we realize.  I'll give you as example. Some people jump into a new relationship after a breakup, to escape the pain of dealing with the breakup itself or maybe because they're afraid of being alone and being single and a relationship to them, represents validation that they can be loved and that they are normal.  Whatever the reasons, these are usually terrible ones to begin a new relationship with.  But for some particular reason, the person has developed poor coping mechanisms of dealing with breakups.  Those poor coping mechanisms were likely practiced over a long period of time in the past until they became habitual.  Past trauma, lack of support and guidance on how to deal with their problems could have led to it.   Fast forward to the present day, and those bad habits have manifested itself into the person's way of life resulting in poor choices that create circumstances that cause them more pain.

A lot of people ignore that self-work and it really is a disservice to them, because knowing yourself allows you to have better control over your emotions and thoughts and therefore, your direction in life.   Therefore giving yourself sufficient downtime to let your mind think about what happened and why it happened is a necessary process of helping you understand your situation more clearly.   I And as Scooby mentioned, write.  I've used this to help me refocus my mind towards the direction I want it to be focused on.  I've also used it to empty the pain and feelings.  The passages I've written often reveal patterns about my most dominate thoughts.  For example, how much of my thoughts are focused towards my past vs. how much is focuse towards my future, tells me where my mind is at, and this can be a reason for why I might be having trouble succeeding at other parts in my life.  

Couple of exercises for you is just Free-write your thoughts onto paper with no restriction.  You can also use it to negatively reinforce why your relationship ended and the negative feelings associated with her and that breakup, to help you counter the soft feelings you end up having for the relationship, that might make you want to contact her again.  You can also use journaling to help you focus on your goals and the kind of future you desire as well as the things that you are grateful for in your present life.

- Beach

 

 

 

[scooby-philly]

And I think for us men who are givers and family oriented and good men but grew up in troubled houses or with low self esteem or with abandonment issues....or a combo thereof...we settle. We settle for people who say yes. We ignore the red flags. We downplay our wants and needs...all because we think we need to be the "nice guy" or because we are afraid of starting over or because we have a stronger desire to be loved in our minds than we love ourselevs... because as we look back on these bad or toxic relationships we see how little we actually got in comparison to what we gave and we deserve better and many times we realize how incompatible we were or how immature or emotionally damaged they were. So remember your self worth and your own happiness comes before anything else.

[the tank]

I am going back to work on monday. I will follow your tips but not being stuck in my appartement will really help to move on.