do you just eventually give up?

[chillii]

22 hours ago, elaine567 said:

But that is what it has always been.
ZA has always been looking for the "needle in the haystack".
He really wants a fit, slim girl 23-26 preferably, but he is willing to go older nowadays.
Pretty.
IIRC a brunette.
She needs to be able to talk about politics and current events and "serious" stuff. 
ZA doesn't do small talk. 
She needs to be smart, not a fluffy airhead. 
He is looking for "class", a girl who speaks well, and has good manners .
No baggage, no kids. 
Someone who doesn't drink a lot.
I am guessing a non smoker too, but I could be wrong..
She also needs to be an extrovert - bubbly, interesting, someone  to take him out of his shell on all levels.
He is the dry, shy, reserved one, she is the warm, fuzzy, outgoing  one who will break down the social barriers for him.
Someone who will  impress all his friends/acquaintances/clients at parties, dinners and events. 
She will make him look better and be the key to him "fitting in" better generally.
 

 

Wellllllll , that's not much to ask then is it huh 🤪🤪🤪😨🤪

 

 

 

[Envy123]

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I don't bother anymore to be honest. Why would it, if she is remotely attractive she has endless options so I just become another "how can I use him or string him along while I chase another guy".

Really? I've had the opposite situation. A lot of the less conventionally attractive women I've met tended to overinflate their self-worth - one of them going to the extent of calling herself "classic". I feel that they feel like they have endless options, if that makes sense. I feel that any guy would be lucky to have them and I just admit defeat.

But if a girl is being modest and is not overinflating her self-worth, I like that and I feel comfortable. It feeds into a cycle of deep friendship or romance. From my experience, conventionally attractive women do not need to overinflate their self-worth as they generally know theirs.

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The only people I have any chance at all with are ones which have a low market value in terms of society and what it deems to be attractive, whether that's right or wrong is neither here nor there.

It is interesting that we have the exact opposite experiences. Maybe it's to do with you interacting with non-Western women? A few of the exceptions to the pattern with unconventionally attractive women, were in fact more traditional.

[SumGuy]

Yes, I will give up on a strategy, approach, and/or way of thinking if it isn't working, but not on a goal if it is non-trivial and worth pursuing.

[Ollie180]

On 4/20/2020 at 7:46 PM, ZA Dater said:

Something I haven't shared here before, all I really want is attention from someone I find attractive, that's all I really want, be it conversation be it anything really because for all I try to do the people I come across I just don't find attractive when measure against the people I have met and do find attractive.

How do you force yourself to like someone you don't? How do you force yourself to find that person attractive? How do you force yourself to find them interesting?

I think you’ve got it backwards mate... trying to find someone you’re attracted to and then hope you ‘like’ them...

...find someone you really ‘like’ (really like, not just tick boxes) and watch how attractive they become!

 

 

Theres a lot of girls that I know that are nice enough and are ‘pretty’, ‘attractive’, nothing wrong with them at all ....but they don’t get me hot under the collar ...because the spark that gives you that real chemistry, that real god-damn-your-so-attractive-knock-me-down-with-a-feather, isn’t there!

[an0nym0us123]

I think i have all but given up. I had quite a lot of dates from online but none lead anywhere. Endless rejection and let downs started to get boring after a while.

If you dont have kids yourself i would strongly advise staying away from single mothers but up to you.

At this point in life i have decided to concentrate on other things in life. Mainly growing a business.

I have sort of developed a dgaf attitude to dating and relationships. Like why bother running around taking girls on dates only to be treated like trash. 

They say you should have your life in order and relationships will happen. Well I own my own house outright, i have acquired another house i intend to renovate. I own a farm and have another business running plus one or two other projects on the go. I dont have any debt so i really have very few worries and failing any disasters will get through life very very easy from this point.

I was up on a bit of land i own today and was looking at a nice spot where i might build a cabin with a nice view down over the valley below. Not a neighbour for half a mile. Will be a cool place to chill in the summer. Maybe get some friends round mess about on quad bikes etc.

I used to think have quite a lot to offer but i might as well not exist as far as women are concerned. 

Keep yourself busy and enjoy the things you have. 

 

[Foxhall]

On 4/20/2020 at 7:46 PM, ZA Dater said:

not particularly taken with red heads.

red heads have a certain distinctiveness do you not think? a certain star quality,

I was surprised to read actually Ireland has the highest number of red heads per capita in the world so maybe am biased!

 a red haired Scarlett Johansson- you would'nt say No I imagine

[Foxhall]

On 4/21/2020 at 11:51 AM, elaine567 said:

Someone who will  impress all his friends/acquaintances/clients at parties, dinners and events. 
She will make him look better and be the key to him "fitting in" better generally.
 

perhaps this is the starting point, Za Dater can offer a lady these types of social functions, so that is the selling point he needs to portray while on dates,

probably his best chance is trying to make friends with a lady and hope that it might gradually develop into romance, if the instant wow factor to impress the lady is missing, it might be possible to build rapport over time- by being a gentleman,

some bubbly attractive women may be attracted to this, they may enjoy leading a shyer man and feeling in control while they get to enjoy more social status,

I am thinking perhaps some eastern european women are a good example of this,

yes dont give up anyway, it should be achievable- perhaps get your gentlemanly image across.

[Envy123]

2 hours ago, Foxhall said:

probably his best chance is trying to make friends with a lady and hope that it might gradually develop into romance, if the instant wow factor to impress the lady is missing, it might be possible to build rapport over time- by being a gentleman,

Yep, that's exactly what has happened to me on several occasions. 

[snowcones]

ZA Dater, when is the last time you had:

a) a date?

b) a girlfriend/relationship?

c) sex?

[LuckyM]

You are too young to just give up. Sure people give up all the time usually after Avery long effort and some like me should have given up a decade ago or more

You can't force anyone to like you or you to like them. Common sense. Loads of singles go thru the motions and they might not know it. Or just so they get a phone number

 

[ZA Dater]

On ‎4‎/‎23‎/‎2020 at 5:37 PM, snowcones said:

ZA Dater, when is the last time you had:

a) a date?

b) a girlfriend/relationship?

c) sex?

1: Probably a few months ago

2: Never

3: Never

The issue is always the same with me, I want to be wowed in some way or other but mostly it just doesn't happen, how much of this because I have a pre set idea is debateable and how much of this is due to the people just not being my cup of tea is difficult to say. Perhaps though the most common experience is people aren't interested, they will go on out on a date but I get the sense early on they really aren't interested so I have two options

1: try and save the situation by re directing the conversation towards a " well tell me about you" and solely talking about them, at the minimum this can make pleasant date but it never goes further.

2: Just not put any further effort in at all.

There is also the other issue whereby I tend to find "different" people attractive, there needs to be something different about them, for the example I don't meet many politicians but I meet lots of au pairs, teachers, travel agents. Different is the one who ran offices in different countries. I know this sounds petty but for me there is something attractive about people who do different things in life. I once had a date with a model, which went nowhere because a more confident guy would definitely have had a better time with her. I regret that date and many others because I just made a complete mess of them in hindsight.

If you meet me, it becomes very clear within 5 minutes I am somewhat of a misfit, either I wonder around conscious of this or I simply try enjoy each moment but deep down I know its a major dating issue.

[ZA Dater]

On ‎4‎/‎23‎/‎2020 at 12:21 PM, Foxhall said:

perhaps this is the starting point, Za Dater can offer a lady these types of social functions, so that is the selling point he needs to portray while on dates,

probably his best chance is trying to make friends with a lady and hope that it might gradually develop into romance, if the instant wow factor to impress the lady is missing, it might be possible to build rapport over time- by being a gentleman,

some bubbly attractive women may be attracted to this, they may enjoy leading a shyer man and feeling in control while they get to enjoy more social status,

I am thinking perhaps some eastern european women are a good example of this,

yes dont give up anyway, it should be achievable- perhaps get your gentlemanly image across.

For well over  a decade I tried that. Its pretty much worthless as dating currency. They don't want to be friends with me, I am reminded often that OLD people aren't looking for friends they have those they are looking for dates. I tried to use OLD to find friends but its a fruitless endeavour.

I have tried this making friends thing and ultimately got passed over every time I did it, the friends part only really worked once and it wasn't someone I met from OLD. They seem to want outgoing extrovert guys.

Regarding eastern European ladies, I would probably agree with you based on the handful I have met, the con there is they general just interested in material items so you just become the stepping stone before they find someone else, not my idea of what I want. Generally though I found them to have warmer personalities.

When I was 23, close older friend had a Romanian GF, stunning and a lovely warm personality, I was really shy then but it was like she picked that up and each time I was around she always asked about me, took an interest in me in a genuine way which is something I rarely found since then. One evening she said she would take me out, I was pretty intimidated but I went with it and it was rather nice, her confidence and warm personality rubbed off on me and being with her meant I didn't get looked down on.

So when I say people need to make me feel something its that sort of feeling, actually taking an interest in me. I can count on one hand the number of dates I have had where that was the case.

[Inflikted]

I don't tend to look at it as "giving up", but for me, it just feels like the idea of finding someone has gotten less and less realistic over time.

I blame myself, mainly for not making better choices in my 20s. I should've done things better then.

Now, I'm in my 30s, there's a decent chance I'll never actually move out of my parents house, I struggle to "meet" people even before this pandemic was a thing. And now the pandemic is probably going to have repercussions on aspects of my life for years to come.

Lately, it's been setting in more and more for me that I'm a failure. Realistically, as badly as I've always hoped I'd find someone, I just cannot see that happening.

[The Outlaw]

I just think that more and more people just don't want a relationship anymore so it just depends. I'm split on the matter. I think I'd be happy in a healthy relationship but at least I'm more than content with flying solo. 

[simpycurious]

On 4/22/2020 at 4:07 AM, chillii said:

 

Wellllllll , that's not much to ask then is it huh 🤪🤪🤪😨🤪

 

 

 

Chilli,

At least he has narrowed things down a bit.  You gotta start somewhere ya know. 

[simpycurious]

On 4/23/2020 at 12:31 PM, LuckyM said:

You are too young to just give up. Sure people give up all the time usually after Avery long effort and some like me should have given up a decade ago or more

You can't force anyone to like you or you to like them. Common sense. Loads of singles go thru the motions and they might not know it. Or just so they get a phone number

 

So true.  Way to early to throw in the towel so to speak.  Giving in is never an option. 

Edited April 25, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[an0nym0us123]

Some people will never find anyone as sad as that is. There is a point where there is simply no point continuing to beat your head against a brick wall. 

[ZA Dater]

14 hours ago, an0nym0us123 said:

Some people will never find anyone as sad as that is. There is a point where there is simply no point continuing to beat your head against a brick wall. 

Pretty much where I am now. I went and used my 'infamous" edited pictures and well no surprise there I got matches which I actually find attractive. I think this is important because the same would be true in a social situation, if were sitting in a coffee shop that same lady who didn't match with me wouldn't give me the time of day whereas they would give the "edited" pictures the time of day.

Nothing wrong with that but I might get a few minutes extra sleep knowing that irrespective of what I do it wont make any difference.

Which is why I don't have a lot of "game" because in reality I would have lost before I event started.

[SumGuy]

Are not the edited pictures just you shirtless with six-pack abs?

If so, no ones going to know the difference if you are in a coffee shop with your shirt on.  
 

Also you know exactly how to attract women you want in a way that works, get six-pack abs.  It is doable at your age, or is that too much effort to get what you wish?   

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

, if were sitting in a coffee shop that same lady who didn't match with me wouldn't give me the time of day whereas they would give the "edited" pictures the time of day.

Not necessarily, some women would resist being picked up by some guy she didn't know in a coffee shop.
His good looks may go against him too, she may assume he is a player and makes a habit of picking up women in coffee shops.
Cold approaches are not easy for anyone.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

Are not the edited pictures just you shirtless with six-pack abs?

If so, no ones going to know the difference if you are in a coffee shop with your shirt on.  
 

Also you know exactly how to attract women you want in a way that works, get six-pack abs.  It is doable at your age, or is that too much effort to get what you wish?   

Not the issue with me is unfortunately my face apparently and there is nothing I can do about that. At least I know that the issue now so there is some comfort to that I suppose.

[ZA Dater]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Not necessarily, some women would resist being picked up by some guy she didn't know in a coffee shop.
His good looks may go against him too, she may assume he is a player and makes a habit of picking up women in coffee shops.
Cold approaches are not easy for anyone.

I think good looks are more a help then they are a disadvantage and this applies to both ladies and guys. I have tested this numerous times, no matter what sort of bio I write its rendered irrelevant by pictures so by that logic I can say whatever I like in person and will be rejected for the same reason and more so because shy is never attractive to anyone. Perhaps one of the blessings of being so unsuccessful at dating is I have spent a lot of time observing people who are successful and that's made my own failings more obvious but virtually impossible to fix.

I have an older friend, he can date virtually any age really, 24 or 44 and he is 52 because he has charm and good looks so over the years its been telling to see how he charms that shop assistant the waitress and my approach simply cant be that because I don't have that personality or that confidence.

When everything is looked at I have been lucky because I have got to meet that dreaded 1% of people, the best looking, the most dynamic, the nicest personalities, people seek them out and I have met many, they do exist, many are very nice people, most live very interesting lives, the problem with this is like eating rich chocolate cake, once you taste it, its all you want to eat. So yes I have concluded for me I will probably spend as many years as I am granted on this planet simply chasing the impossible because I just like the idea of the impossible more than the idea of the ordinary.

There are so many guys like me on this forum, if you extrapolate that out into society it should say there are lots of people who battle and then you need to ask why, what percentage is down to them as people and what percentage is down to the society we live in.

Bottom line is with perhaps very few exceptions, the success one has is defined by ones own expectations, ones own looks and ones own ability to be charming and lastly the ability to just fit in with whatever society deems to be socially normal.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

On ‎4‎/‎22‎/‎2020 at 7:29 PM, Ollie180 said:

I think you’ve got it backwards mate... trying to find someone you’re attracted to and then hope you ‘like’ them...

...find someone you really ‘like’ (really like, not just tick boxes) and watch how attractive they become!

 

 

Theres a lot of girls that I know that are nice enough and are ‘pretty’, ‘attractive’, nothing wrong with them at all ....but they don’t get me hot under the collar ...because the spark that gives you that real chemistry, that real god-damn-your-so-attractive-knock-me-down-with-a-feather, isn’t there!

Which basically makes it impossible for guys like me who fail at the step one which is attraction itself.

[simpycurious]

ZA, you gotta at LEAST display a little confidence and ditch the "poor me" persona.  I do not think that will work very well with any woman of substance.  

[Miss Spider]

On 4/21/2020 at 3:02 AM, ZA Dater said:

The transactional aspect of it puts me off a lot as does the fact I would have accomplished nothing going that route. I don't think real connections exist for me because I never ever really open myself up that far, sure I have a few times and metaphorically got kicked in the face for doing it, that's what really defines how I have dated, when I have opened up I get rejected very quickly. So for probably a long time I have just gone through the motions of sharing the bare minimum UNLESS I do really like the person but again the rejection hammer comes very quickly.

I'd probably agree with your second paragraph, its something I think about often, I have met people who really bring out a different side of me which is great but fundamentally there is no reason for them to actually date me. Put simply there are always better options for them than me. So a large part of my irritation with dating is that I am never one of those better options and wont ever be frankly judging by the attributes those better options seem to have. I often think what I could change and I am always left with the conclusion that I frankly don't know because I am happy being me. Maybe I am just over sugar coating how nice dating could be?

I'm sorry to hear that. Judging by your second paragraph, you struggle with who you are vs what others want. And yeah, it sucks. Dating is like that though. It's not unlike a competition...for a mate...And you can be comfortable and love yourself...but that doesn't mean it will lead you to success on the dating market. There's a laundry list of things that do and it doesn't even mean you'll be happier. I don't know what else to say about that. I guess what people who are in that position do  is just keep trying. Keep trying until one sticks and happens to find you as appealing as you find yourself.