do you just eventually give up?

[SumGuy]

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Or is the implication here being, why worry about dating when you are more fortunate than some?

Basically.  let recognition of the good fortune you have and what you have accomplished fill you with confidence.   Let what you have instead of what you have not inform your view.   instead of seeing the glass as 1/2 empty see it as 1/2 full. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

instead of seeing the glass as 1/2 empty see it as 1/2 full. 

Yup, which one you see will be the vibe goes out around you I think.

[Negotaurus]

Hi ZA, I have not read the entire thread so I apologise for that. However, I have been keeping myself up to date with all your other threads.

I am close to 22 and, I'd say, very similar to what you are after. I am successful, I am rather clever, funny, bubbly, sweet, love debating, what not. I have dated guys a tad older than me before because why not? Here is my honest opinion, I think it comes off as rude and I am sorry: If this is how you behave "in real life", I would never give you a second look. Why? Simply reading your replies is depressing. Your attitude is draining, your mindset unattractive. 

If you want to improve, please do take the advice of people who ARE successful in dating, instead of simply brushing it off. I am not sure what you're trying to prove by doing that, all I will say is, it's not working. Good luck.

Edited May 6, 2020 by Negotaurus

[ZA Dater]

14 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Basically.  let recognition of the good fortune you have and what you have accomplished fill you with confidence.   Let what you have instead of what you have not inform your view.   instead of seeing the glass as 1/2 empty see it as 1/2 full. 

I don't buy into that at all sorry. What you seem to advocate here is using that as tool to act superior to other and sure you have read up on SA, there are lots of people who would probably date me because in their eyes I have more than them, it no surprise I continually get these matches. The reality is I am not better and no worse as person than that person begging for food, people are people irrespective.

However who I choose to spend time with is my choice.

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Hi ZA, I have not read the entire thread so I apologise for that. However, I have been keeping myself up to date with all your other threads.

I am close to 22 and, I'd say, very similar to what you are after. I am successful, I am rather clever, funny, bubbly, sweet, love debating, what not. I have dated guys a tad older than me before because why not? Here is my honest opinion, I think it comes off as rude and I am sorry: If this is how you behave "in real life", I would never give you a second look. Why? Simply reading your replies is depressing. Your attitude is draining, your mindset unattractive. 

If you want to improve, please do take the advice of people who ARE successful in dating, instead of simply brushing it off. I am not sure what you're trying to prove by doing that, all I will say is, it's not working. Good luck.

Well at 22 you have massive value so I am sure the market is full of opportunity for you. Must be a great feeling actually. 

Nothing offends me so we are all good. Real life I tend sit and mind my own business and watch the world go by that's my strategy, I'll be friendly to people who talk to me but I don't go out to find conversation because EVERY time I have its just gone nowhere and people look at me like am an alien so no I wont be doing that again.

I have tried numerous things, make overs, different clothing styles, different body language, different pictures, heck on the advice here I even smiled at random people, I tried to be less serious, I always try take an interest in people BUT reality has kicked me in the face, IT DOES NOT WORK. None of it actually works because I have no dating market value. I have brushed off nothing I have actually tried the approach suggested by some but I AM NOT going to date people I find unattractive.

If you has walked in my shoes you might well feel the same way I do. But life is nothing without hope so I do have some of that mixed with a fair degree of reality but that reality is tempered by the fact it would appear my market value is low, though I thin its actually quite high objectively.

Sure, lots of people are successful and I have spent YEARS observing them, try to apply what I see but put simply I cant compete. What sort of guys have you dated? What were your requirements, what do you find attractive?

I apologize because my replies are probably going to get worse, I detest my birthday because much of what I mention in this thread is acutely reality on that particular day, which I mostly spend on my own.

 

 

[chillii]

And there's part of that mindset of yours again right there because you know what l actually found mid 30s as a guy to be by far the most popular time of all , by a mile , or in my case a km.

Edited May 6, 2020 by chillii

[Weezy1973]

On 5/4/2020 at 12:59 PM, ZA Dater said:

At the end of the day how much differently and more importantly what? What is wrong with my approach to dates? I don't see anything wrong with the "strategy" but if you do please do point out what you feel is wrong.

So, as I’ve said already, the problem is in your thoughts and beliefs about love, women, relationships, etc. For lack of a better term, the vast majority of humans tend to be “addicted” to their beliefs. And it doesn’t really matter of those beliefs are healthy or unhealthy. You have a lot of unhealthy beliefs in this area and you defend those beliefs even though you admit that you’ve never succeeded.

 

Let me give you a simple belief that is much healthier than yours. And FYI, you will fight it, because you’re addicted to your current unhealthy beliefs. Ready?

Everbody’s different. 
 

This one should be self evident, but our brains tend to like making shortcuts so we like to create artificial categories that don’t actually exist. An example of this would be wrongly thinking that all women are attracted to the same traits. People tend to make the mistake of attributing a characteristic that may be on average true, to the entire group even though that characteristic is not true for many in the group.

 

Let me give you an example. It’s fair to say that on average women are more attracted to men that are taller than them. But to say that all women are only attracted to tall men would be wrong. In fact I know many women that have fallen for men that are shorter then themselves. There’s enormous variability. Everybody’s different.

 

This change in mindset can have profound ramifications, not the least of which is to be open to the possibility that there will be some people who like you just the way you are. Why? Because everybody’s different.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

So, as I’ve said already, the problem is in your thoughts and beliefs about love, women, relationships, etc. For lack of a better term, the vast majority of humans tend to be “addicted” to their beliefs. And it doesn’t really matter of those beliefs are healthy or unhealthy. You have a lot of unhealthy beliefs in this area and you defend those beliefs even though you admit that you’ve never succeeded.

 

Let me give you a simple belief that is much healthier than yours. And FYI, you will fight it, because you’re addicted to your current unhealthy beliefs. Ready?

Everbody’s different. 
 

This one should be self evident, but our brains tend to like making shortcuts so we like to create artificial categories that don’t actually exist. An example of this would be wrongly thinking that all women are attracted to the same traits. People tend to make the mistake of attributing a characteristic that may be on average true, to the entire group even though that characteristic is not true for many in the group.

 

Let me give you an example. It’s fair to say that on average women are more attracted to men that are taller than them. But to say that all women are only attracted to tall men would be wrong. In fact I know many women that have fallen for men that are shorter then themselves. There’s enormous variability. Everybody’s different.

 

This change in mindset can have profound ramifications, not the least of which is to be open to the possibility that there will be some people who like you just the way you are. Why? Because everybody’s different.

I agree with all you say, everyone is different but how many people really appreciate that? For what its worth your post has cheered me up quite a lot. I just feel like being different is an impediment, like I need to be what the guys are who do enjoy success even if I cannot be that sort of person. I go out and be the best version of me I can but its just never enough really because I always get the sense while people are all different they are all looking for variations of the same thing, which I guess is wrong but when I post a photoshopped picture I get plenty of matches with attractive people, when I use normal pictures of me I get the same unattractive ones.

Sure, I shouldn't draw comparisons but its hard not to. I grew up believing dating was about the combination of physical attraction and intellectual attraction but is it really for most people? For a friend of mine its just about the physical and he dates very good looking ladies, he can get them and I cant, he is outgoing and charming and I am not, I have been out to clubs and bars with him and not matter how much I try I get actually get anywhere trying to be a person I am not. Yet most of the advice seems to be a long the lines of be someone I am not, yes I make effort to look good, keep conversation light but the initial stumbling block I think I have is a lack of physical attraction, they simply don't find me attractive.

Again I suppose everyone is different but I find it difficult to believe I can not find mutual attraction. I am not asking for Victoria's Secret model either.

I suppose the variability is both a blessing and a curse because how much variability is there really? I can go and be the friendliest guy on a date, really take interest and it never works, the feeling I am left with is I lack something they actually want.

My view is I think many ladies seem to want to be chased or charmed or whatever and I don't really have that ability, which is probably why I am good as the "problem solver" friend zone guy for people who bother to get to know me.

I'd like to be liked for who I am but honestly that seems to be very remote and its never mutual ever.

Lastly I don't think my lack of success is because of my beliefs, these were formed because of a lack of success. I did once spend time with an amazing person, honestly she could date anyone, stunningly beautiful, amazing warm personality and just for a few hours we just chatted and she actually bothered to get to know me, asked me questions, asked me way, tried to help me with confidence and just an amazing person all round. I always get the feeling I come across as awkward so it doesn't really help but I can overcome this on dates but the flip side of this is the dates heads into the friend zone fast because that's all I know, I don't know anything else.

For me when it comes to dating the cake it pretty rotten but the few pieces of icing are very good, albeit very rare.

[SumGuy]

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I don't buy into that at all sorry. What you seem to advocate here is using that as tool to act superior to other and sure you have read up on SA, there are lots of people who would probably date me because in their eyes I have more than them, it no surprise I continually get these matches. The reality is I am not better and no worse as person than that person begging for food, people are people irrespective.

That is your spin.  You are the one who has to use words like success and superior and ranking all sorts of stuff as if there is one objective scale we all agree with or adhere to.

In fact, my context and even words are the opposite.  I am trying to get you to act less superior, less judgmental of others pretty mundane and typical social behavior, to be humble by realizing the good fortune you do have.  Use your good fortune to feel good about life, which in turn leads to confidence.   

The language I would prefer to use is you should count your blessings and the things you have accomplished and use that as a general basis for confidence.  Stop focusing on all you don't have.

In reality I think the people begging for food have much bigger problems than dating, and likely would have little patience for your woes when theirs are so much worse.  They are struggling in life for clean water, food and shelter.   

I can say it only so many ways and so many times.  Good Luck.

[ZA Dater]

15 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

That is your spin.  You are the one who has to use words like success and superior and ranking all sorts of stuff as if there is one objective scale we all agree with or adhere to.

In fact, my context and even words are the opposite.  I am trying to get you to act less superior, less judgmental of others pretty mundane and typical social behavior, to be humble by realizing the good fortune you do have.  Use your good fortune to feel good about life, which in turn leads to confidence.   

The language I would prefer to use is you should count your blessings and the things you have accomplished and use that as a general basis for confidence.  Stop focusing on all you don't have.

In reality I think the people begging for food have much bigger problems than dating, and likely would have little patience for your woes when theirs are so much worse.  They are struggling in life for clean water, food and shelter.   

I can say it only so many ways and so many times.  Good Luck.

I will agree to disagree in terms of confidence, things I am good at I feel confident about, things I am not good at I don't feel confident about. For me confidence comes from success not counting my blessing. Each person is different.

But I will give you the benefit of the doubt because I guess taken in isolation I suppose I could feel confident about what I have and what I have done if any of that actually mattered to people I meet, but mostly it doesn't seem to. That's the thing I suppose find people who "get" me, as seemingly impossible.

Your tactic isn't totally wrong, I just wouldn't know how to make it work for me.

The truth of the matter is I enjoy many things,  before my government confined me to home I enjoyed being outdoors, cycling on my own, just me the road and my thoughts, I like nice clothes, I like all the typical things most people do and I like the freedom I feel in life. I like reading about aspirational things, been lucky enough to drive a fair few supercars, the thrill of which trumps any date I have been on. So I guess when the scales as balanced not dating is not the end of the world but I do wonder what it would be like to simply have that mutual attraction, much like I wondered what it would be like to drive a Ferrari around a track quickly (its incredible by the way).

 

[Weezy1973]

15 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Lastly I don't think my lack of success is because of my beliefs, these were formed because of a lack of success.

@ZA Dater it doesn’t actually matter why you have your beliefs. It just matters that you realize that they’re unhelpful in finding success. So defending them as you do isn’t going to help you gain success at all.

You mentioned your friend who is very different from you and that he dates women that are physically attractive. These women clearly aren’t interested in someone like you, so why would you want to date them? If they like outgoing and charming, and you’re quiet and reserved, not much of a loss if they’re not interested. 
 

From what I can see, you’re stuck in a way of thinking about dating that is unhealthy, but makes sense given your inexperience. It’s very similar to the way I thought back in high school, before I had actually ever dated anyone. There were actually a lot of guys like me. We were average guys but we all had crushes on the handful of popular, pretty girls, and we pretty much ignored the other normal, average girls around us. The popular girls of course dated the good looking, popular guys. 
 

But there were average guys that did have success dating in high school. They dated girls that were just normal average women. Instead of indulging a fantasy, they actually got experience dating perfectly good people and had good relationships. Well good in a high school kind of way at least.

The problem with the rest of us who were living in the fantasy worlds in our head instead of actually dating is that fantasy wasn’t close to reality. In reality, we had very little in common with those popular girls. When I look back I realize how much time was wasted pining over girls that would have been a poor match anyways!

 

Sounds similar to your anecdote about your friend that dates those attractive women that he meets in bars...you don’t even like going to bars! 

Edited May 7, 2020 by Weezy1973

[Emilie Jolie]

14 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

That's the thing I suppose find people who "get" me, as seemingly impossible.

If you keep yourself to yourself and only do solitary or very exclusive things (like driving Ferraris around tracks) in your spare time, yet your work or social life is filled with people who do things you have no interest in, you are making it mission impossible to find someone who 'gets' you, my friend. 

You can hold out for what you want, of course; there's nothing wrong with that. You just need to accept that it might never happen (a rational and pragmatic approach) and live your life accordingly. There's a chance that keeping the hope alive this brainy open-minded Victoria's secret model will find her way to you (her and noone else) is the barrier to your happiness.

Edited May 7, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA Dater it doesn’t actually matter why you have your beliefs. It just matters that you realize that they’re unhelpful in finding success. So defending them as you do isn’t going to help you gain success at all.

Exactly

[Eternal Sunshine]

I haven't read this whole thread but I agree with OP on some things.

Romantic success comes down to a mix of your own believes/attitude AND luck. To deny the luck component is crazy to me. Luck can also be partly defined as being born with a combination of looks and personality that will give you more dating options. This can be slightly improved, but not by as much as people seem to think. Luck is also defined as being at the right place in the right time to meet someone you will click with and who feels the same way, you are both single and/or in the right mindset etc etc. Some of us with more eccentric personalities have much lower number of people we click with, so luck and timing play an even bigger part.

Having said that, I think that OP realistically has following options:

- stay single

- drastically lower his standards or

- pay for it

Neither option is ideal but it is what it is.

[Content]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA Dater it doesn’t actually matter why you have your beliefs. It just matters that you realize that they’re unhelpful in finding success. So defending them as you do isn’t going to help you gain success at all.

You mentioned your friend who is very different from you and that he dates women that are physically attractive. These women clearly aren’t interested in someone like you, so why would you want to date them? If they like outgoing and charming, and you’re quiet and reserved, not much of a loss if they’re not interested. 
 

From what I can see, you’re stuck in a way of thinking about dating that is unhealthy, but makes sense given your inexperience. It’s very similar to the way I thought back in high school, before I had actually ever dated anyone. There were actually a lot of guys like me. We were average guys but we all had crushes on the handful of popular, pretty girls, and we pretty much ignored the other normal, average girls around us. The popular girls of course dated the good looking, popular guys. 
 

But there were average guys that did have success dating in high school. They dated girls that were just normal average women. Instead of indulging a fantasy, they actually got experience dating perfectly good people and had good relationships. Well good in a high school kind of way at least.

The problem with the rest of us who were living in the fantasy worlds in our head instead of actually dating is that fantasy wasn’t close to reality. In reality, we had very little in common with those popular girls. When I look back I realize how much time was wasted pining over girls that would have been a poor match anyways!

 

Sounds similar to your anecdote about your friend that dates those attractive women that he meets in bars...you don’t even like going to bars! 

I don’t believe in strictly staying in your league looks wise whatever that even is. I’ve dated women all over the map in terms of looks.

But I agree that Op shouldn’t worry about women who aren’t compatible with him no matter what they look like 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Content said:

I don’t believe in strictly staying in your league looks wise whatever that even is. I’ve dated women all over the map in terms of looks.

But I agree that Op shouldn’t worry about women who aren’t compatible with him no matter what they look like 

Yes, my comment was more that  @ZA Dater seemed to want the women his friend could date even though they wouldn’t be compatible. Agree that he shouldn’t focus on staying in his league looks wise either. 

[Weezy1973]

@Eternal Sunshine I agree that luck is a factor, but only to a certain point. There are things you can control and things you can’t. For example @ZA Dater can’t control the family he was born to, the relationship his parents had, his upbringing, his genetics etc. and those things will certainly impact his beliefs about love and dating.

 

But there are definitely things he can control or work on (such as adjusting those beliefs) which he adamantly refuses to do. And no doubt those are hard things to work on. I could give him a framework for dating that would work if he did it with the right attitude, but he would refuse to do it at this point. 
 

So yes he can stay single. Or give up which is the subject of this thread. But knowing his posting  history, giving up doesn’t really seem viable for him. He’s tried.

 

I don’t think he had to lower his standards as much as figure out what are the really important characteristics he’s looking for in a partner. Because he doesn’t have any relationship experience, he’s stuck thinking  looks and some other superficial traits are the most important things! When they’re not. It’s like saying the cover of a book and the blurb on the back is the most important aspect.

 

But again, this stems from a lack of experience and the little experience he does have mostly comes from OLD on Tinder. 
 

I also don’t think paying for it would do him any good. Like everyone, he just wants to be loved for who he is - paying for it defeats the purpose.

 

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA Dater it doesn’t actually matter why you have your beliefs. It just matters that you realize that they’re unhelpful in finding success. So defending them as you do isn’t going to help you gain success at all.

You mentioned your friend who is very different from you and that he dates women that are physically attractive. These women clearly aren’t interested in someone like you, so why would you want to date them? If they like outgoing and charming, and you’re quiet and reserved, not much of a loss if they’re not interested. 
 

From what I can see, you’re stuck in a way of thinking about dating that is unhealthy, but makes sense given your inexperience. It’s very similar to the way I thought back in high school, before I had actually ever dated anyone. There were actually a lot of guys like me. We were average guys but we all had crushes on the handful of popular, pretty girls, and we pretty much ignored the other normal, average girls around us. The popular girls of course dated the good looking, popular guys. 
 

But there were average guys that did have success dating in high school. They dated girls that were just normal average women. Instead of indulging a fantasy, they actually got experience dating perfectly good people and had good relationships. Well good in a high school kind of way at least.

The problem with the rest of us who were living in the fantasy worlds in our head instead of actually dating is that fantasy wasn’t close to reality. In reality, we had very little in common with those popular girls. When I look back I realize how much time was wasted pining over girls that would have been a poor match anyways!

 

Sounds similar to your anecdote about your friend that dates those attractive women that he meets in bars...you don’t even like going to bars! 

All very good and well so I must then resort to dating people I don't find attractive, there does not seem to be much middle ground. I like what I like because frankly I need to be the absolute best I can to be even if I have no chance, that the thing those people make me want to be better.

I am probably wrong but for me attraction on an overall level is important, I once went out with someone who was ok in personality but physically she was not attractive to me, trust me I could see her 50 times and she wouldn't become more attractive.

Again I suppose its because when people tell me I cant, inherently I want to prove them wrong.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I haven't read this whole thread but I agree with OP on some things.

Romantic success comes down to a mix of your own believes/attitude AND luck. To deny the luck component is crazy to me. Luck can also be partly defined as being born with a combination of looks and personality that will give you more dating options. This can be slightly improved, but not by as much as people seem to think. Luck is also defined as being at the right place in the right time to meet someone you will click with and who feels the same way, you are both single and/or in the right mindset etc etc. Some of us with more eccentric personalities have much lower number of people we click with, so luck and timing play an even bigger part.

Having said that, I think that OP realistically has following options:

- stay single

- drastically lower his standards or

- pay for it

Neither option is ideal but it is what it is.

I would agree with most of this to lesser and greater degrees. People have better options than others it would seem and here I guess it goes both ways.  Only so much improvement can be made but I think learning is continuous. Look , I went through a phase where one friend in particular (I have about 3, one of which is basically exactly like me) tried to set me up over and over again but then as know I didn't believe in the idea and could never find the confidence to make anything of it. Thankfully this stopped, I think he simply got bored of setting me up.

I respect people who can get it right, more so those who don't have to bend over backward and grovel. In some respects I had my best ever opportunity about 5 years ago with someone I get along with really well the same person rejected me and then motivated me to be a better person. I think I will always regret not being that better person then. I get more out of seeing her every so often than I do going on endless pointless dates.

Ultimately I realised the only way I can click with someone is to find something fundamentally in common with them.

 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

@Eternal Sunshine I agree that luck is a factor, but only to a certain point. There are things you can control and things you can’t. For example @ZA Dater can’t control the family he was born to, the relationship his parents had, his upbringing, his genetics etc. and those things will certainly impact his beliefs about love and dating.

But there are definitely things he can control or work on (such as adjusting those beliefs) which he adamantly refuses to do. And no doubt those are hard things to work on. I could give him a framework for dating that would work if he did it with the right attitude, but he would refuse to do it at this point. 

So yes he can stay single. Or give up which is the subject of this thread. But knowing his posting  history, giving up doesn’t really seem viable for him. He’s tried.

I don’t think he had to lower his standards as much as figure out what are the really important characteristics he’s looking for in a partner. Because he doesn’t have any relationship experience, he’s stuck thinking  looks and some other superficial traits are the most important things! When they’re not. It’s like saying the cover of a book and the blurb on the back is the most important aspect.

But again, this stems from a lack of experience and the little experience he does have mostly comes from OLD on Tinder. 

I also don’t think paying for it would do him any good. Like everyone, he just wants to be loved for who he is - paying for it defeats the purpose.

 

Unfortunately I am terrible at giving up on things. The very sad thing is I have looked at the arrangement idea before, there the choice is far better in terms of attraction and some of the conversation isn't bad either but its a waste because its all totally false but again I wonder, I use the same pictures I use on OLD and suddenly on an arrangement site they are fine. I guess the power of economics,  which once again further dents my opinion of dating.

Lack of experience tells at dating, it tells in numerous ways and I try to mitigate those things as best I can.

Mostly I guess I am thankful I did have some nice enough dates, met some interesting people, had some good conversation and sometimes I got crumbs of how nice it could be. Unfortunately I don't seem to have the attraction or skills to actually get to any sort of point in the game which could be described as a win.

I know what I like, its just incredibly hard to find and logic says those who have that can pick and choose which is why I keep looking at other because at least I know why I am never the chosen one.

I look back at many missed opportunities, misguided beliefs, plain stupidity, shyness, awkwardness and just a sense of not fitting in, my default to that is to just become cold and distant, find my focus on something else, make up a few excuses about why I don't date, try laugh when I am teased and pretend like all is well. Its a good act, some of the time but I always know deep down its an act I don't really believe but I also know that logically there is no reason why the people I like should ever give me the time day.

Some are born luckier than others.

But as someone said, maybe the glass is half full. Maybe dating isn't even worth while, maybe nothing about it is nice, maybe I am unsuited to it, maybe I am destined to be alone forever, maybe I need to realise I can only attract people I don't find attractive. Maybe there are simply better things in life than mutual attraction.

Maybe.

[ZA Dater]

10 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

If you keep yourself to yourself and only do solitary or very exclusive things (like driving Ferraris around tracks) in your spare time, yet your work or social life is filled with people who do things you have no interest in, you are making it mission impossible to find someone who 'gets' you, my friend. 

You can hold out for what you want, of course; there's nothing wrong with that. You just need to accept that it might never happen (a rational and pragmatic approach) and live your life accordingly. There's a chance that keeping the hope alive this brainy open-minded Victoria's secret model will find her way to you (her and noone else) is the barrier to your happiness.

I have not social life at all or very little, my singular focus is on work for the simple reason there is comfort there, its the place where trying and persistence does deliver intangible results and satisfaction from never giving up. Its my excuse for being single.

Again I will say it, hoping for something great is better than living in an average reality. Ironically I could probably have friend zoned a few people off dating sites but they aren't looking for friends. 

Again someone unfit, uneducated/poorly educated/no drive or ambition, that person is never going to excite me. I cannot get enthusiastic about what I don't find interesting. Ladies will say the same of me of course which is fine.

Ultimately all I want accomplish is one great experience, I have had some good ones and when I say good it means I spent time with someone I like overall, no one feature was outstanding but the person themselves was outstanding overall. For me that's intellect combined with looks and presentation which suggest the person actually looks after themselves.

If I never find it, I can take some solace I know it is out there, just not attainable for me.

[Emilie Jolie]

26 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

If I never find it, I can take some solace I know it is out there, just not attainable for me.

You call that solace, I call that self-flagellation. There is no solace to be found in knowing there is something out there that you can't have yet are desperate for.

Most people have been refining what they want from a partnership through trial and error; it sounds like you want to skip that bit and get straight to the perfect person for you. It may yet happen, but either you wait for it to happen without putting any effort in, or you relentlessly and actively go on the chase until you find her. The half-way house you've been sitting in, between having super high expectations (nothing wrong with your requirements at all, by the way) and not doing much apart from putting up a dating profile up on Tinder is the worst of both worlds, ie guaranteed minimal return for investment.

 

Edited May 7, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Foxhall]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Ultimately I realised the only way I can click with someone is to find something fundamentally in common with them.

Yes as you mentioned previously you connected well with a yoga instructor. if you can find common ground with someone its a starting point,

the type of woman that you are looking for, as well described by Elaine- a socialite in effect, the problem being that type of personality type is not compatible with your personality- it is too much of a chalk and cheese dynamic.

so perhaps the main problem is you are looking in the wrong places and the online scene is not giving you sufficient variety of personality types,

you would be better joining an ayurveda medicine class or a reading group or something and meeting women who you are likely to have more in common with,

I suspect you would connect best with the type of women that I connect best with, which are moderately outgoing slightly on the extroverted side (because you need that to counteract your introversion) emotionally intelligent types with a caring nature,and perhaps a certain vulnerability.

I would say I was never much good at finding women either but Ive still met a few from time to time, so If I can I am sure you can, 

im not sure why but in recent years anyway I tend to gel much better with women outside my own nationality, so that might be something to bear in mind also.

Anyway broaden your searching net, keep away from the party going types for a while and look for ones like the yoga instructor, women with interests more aligned with your personality.

 

 

 

 

[miranda561]

On 4/26/2020 at 10:23 PM, Ollie180 said:

That’s sort of the opposite of What I’m saying man!

 

its not step one, sometimes, but not always! Sometimes its more like step 5!!

Step 1 Boy meets girl

Step 2 Boy talks to girl

Step 3 Boy vibes with with girl

Step 4 Boy gets excited about seeing girl

Step 5 Boy suddenly wonders why he never realise before how attractive girl is 🔥 🔥 

 

And it defo works the other way round! I know a lot of guys who are ‘punching’ in the looks department if you looked at their girlfriends - but they’ve got good chat! I actually think that’s probably one of the most important factors - being easy to talk to, a good conversationalist.. and anyone can get better at that!

Some people just have it and others don't, like a natural charm or whatever. 

[ZA Dater]

Well maybe, just maybe Bumble has delivered someone relatively interesting.