do you just eventually give up?

[miranda561]

5 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Is it awkwardness or is it contempt and impatience that they can tell? Or both? You would get a pass for awkwardness on its own - they are plenty of quirky people who are sweet and good-natured with it.

But if you allow yourself to be blunt to the point of rudeness - say, about how you feel about single mothers for instance, even when your date isn't one,  or if you make it obvious you find your dates uninteresting - which I find a really strange concept personally, there's always something to learn about talking to someone - then yeah, that along with the awkwardness will push them over the edge.

Not sure awkwardness or lack of experience are you biggest issues. You need to work on your people skills as a matter of priority. Big time.   

 

Im awkward/shy with the opposite sex too. But i've had no trouble in the sense that a lot of guys do continue to want to see me again and start dating. So it can happen. But maybe i hide my awkwardness better or .something.. i come across more standoffish or aloof. 

In the end i do end it since my interest is not there. 

Edited May 14, 2020 by miranda561

[ZA Dater]

15 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Would you consider yourself a bit nerdy

Nope. Not really but maybe some would.

[Ollie180]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

For example I don't recall laughing often on dates, I do sometimes but not often. Again people want light hearted and that's cool, no problem I am just never likely to be that person, I live a very stressed 24/7 lifestyle where I am often balancing the seemingly impossible, trying to run faster, do more, accomplish more

What? Mate, this is going to cut your chances of a second date by like 99%
 

Time is literally THE most precious thing people have to give! Why would a phone want to spend their time not having fun? They’ll be serious in job interviews.. or exams.. but they shouldn’t have to be like that on a date!

I feel like I’d laugh at least once every three minutes normally when having a chat with someone! It relaxes people, it puts them at ease!

 

But it’s not even about other people man, it’s about being at peace with yourself! Like isn’t meant to be intense 24/7!

[miranda561]

47 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Nope. Not really but maybe some would.

Referring to what you said earlier about how you are on dates. Women like men who are lighthearted and can make them laugh. It is at least one aspect that can attract  someone.

People have stressful lives like yourself, as admitted, the last thing they want to do is also feel stressed out when meeting a potential partner. Therefore a sense of humour, smiling/laughing is essential.

All this time you kept talking about your appearance and how its not good enough. But i can conclusively  say.. its  how you have presented yourself whilst being on your dates 

Edited May 14, 2020 by miranda561

[Gr8fuln2020]

No humour or laughter or playfulness == NO WAY, life is too short to be around someone who is not enjoying life or even trying to...

[Content]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

I knew you probably had some form of awkwardness which is why at the beginning  i said its the way they  perceive you on dates. Not necessarily your looks which they already knew of coming into it and agreeing to meet you 

Which is why he’s better off joining a group or meetup where he can meet women and slowly grow on them.

A lot of people who aren’t social butterflies  don’t make great first impressions which is why getting to know somebody first slowly and letting them see your positive traits is important rather then just one few hour date where if you’re not totally on or comfortable you won’t get a second one.

[miranda561]

1 minute ago, Content said:

Which is why he’s better off joining a group or meetup where he can meet women and slowly grow on them.

A lot of people who aren’t social butterflies  don’t make great first impressions which is why getting to know somebody first slowly and letting them see your positive traits is important rather then just one few hour date where if you’re not totally on or comfortable you won’t get a second one.

I did suggest that  earlier too. But i think he refused that idea

[Content]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

Im similar  to you in that i don't open up straight away. And i do find with OLD if you dont they're not necessarily going to stick around for that. Given the number of actual desperate women/men around who are dying to get into relationships.

 

 

Yep there’s too many options and it’s basically meat market.

Ive always done better when I can slowly attract someone 

[Ollie180]

19 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Referring to what you said earlier about how you are on dates. Women like men who are lighthearted and can make them laugh. It is at least one aspect that can attract  someone.

I couldn’t care if someone was talking about their fake tan regime or 19th century Sculpture as long as they are smiling/laughing about it!! It’s not the subject that matters! It’s the the bonding and that comes through the way they talk about it!

I don’t need to be passionate about what they’re passionate about, I just need to be able to enjoy them enjoying it!

[miranda561]

4 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

I couldn’t care if someone was talking about their fake tan regime or 19th century Sculpture as long as they are smiling/laughing about it!! It’s not the subject that matters! It’s the the bonding and that comes through the way they talk about it!

I don’t need to be passionate about what they’re passionate about, I just need to be able to enjoy them enjoying it!

Thats fair enough. You don't want someone with a lack of energy.

Personally i think shares passions interests are better though in a way..for eg. A guy i was just getting to know kept going on about diy and fixing things for his friends and in his house and i felt myself drifting away into thinking about other things 😂😂😂. 

What i do like though is a bit of back and forth ...banter/chat..jokes...and yeh stuff like that 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, miranda561 said:

Personally i think shares passions interests are better though in away..for eg. A guy i was just getting to know kept going on about diy and fixing things for his friends and in his house and i felt myself drifting away into thinking about other things 😂😂😂. 
What i do like though is a bit of back and forth ...banter/chat..jokes...and yeh stuff like that 

If someone is going to go on about their own passions and interests then there has to be a great anecdote or a joke or at least build up to a punchline or a big revelation somewhere, else it is just boring. Things have to be presented in an interesting and entertaining way, even if it is about a deadly serious subject.

1 hour ago, Ollie180 said:

 I live a very stressed 24/7 lifestyle where I am often balancing the seemingly impossible, trying to run faster, do more, accomplish more

Why?
That is not a healthy way to live

1 hour ago, Ollie180 said:

For example I don't recall laughing often on dates, I do sometimes but not often.

.No laughing for hours??? no wonder there are no second dates.

[miranda561]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If someone is going to go on about their own passions and interests then there has to be a great anecdote or a joke or at least build up to a punchline or a big revelation somewhere, else it is just boring. Things have to be presented in an interesting and entertaining way, even if it is about a deadly serious subject.

Why?
That is not a healthy way to live

.No laughing for hours??? no wonder there are no second dates.

I don't mean to sound horrible but i think a lot of men don't know what the women they meet want or are actually looking for. They're clueless in attracting and keeping women around. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Ollie180 said:

What? Mate, this is going to cut your chances of a second date by like 99%
 

Time is literally THE most precious thing people have to give! Why would a phone want to spend their time not having fun? They’ll be serious in job interviews.. or exams.. but they shouldn’t have to be like that on a date!

I feel like I’d laugh at least once every three minutes normally when having a chat with someone! It relaxes people, it puts them at ease!

 

But it’s not even about other people man, it’s about being at peace with yourself! Like isn’t meant to be intense 24/7!

For me for better or worse it is. I do try laugh on dates but my humour is generally the dry type which most people don't pick up so its largely wasted.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

Referring to what you said earlier about how you are on dates. Women like men who are lighthearted and can make them laugh. It is at least one aspect that can attract  someone.

People have stressful lives like yourself, as admitted, the last thing they want to do is also feel stressed out when meeting a potential partner. Therefore a sense of humour, smiling/laughing is essential.

All this time you kept talking about your appearance and how its not good enough. But i can conclusively  say.. its  how you have presented yourself whilst being on your dates 

Ok so my appearance doesn't get me matches and my personality doesn't get me second dates, such a winning combination this, I am struggling to contain my excitement. For what its worth I cant say you are wrong but unfortunately I am who I am

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Content said:

Which is why he’s better off joining a group or meetup where he can meet women and slowly grow on them.

A lot of people who aren’t social butterflies  don’t make great first impressions which is why getting to know somebody first slowly and letting them see your positive traits is important rather then just one few hour date where if you’re not totally on or comfortable you won’t get a second one.

In a perfect world this would be fantastic but we have already established that ladies have endless choice so why would they want to give anyone a chance, when they can move on to someone more complete and to their liking? The irony is you aren't totally wrong the people I have got to know best I have got to know over months and years and most of them do "get" me.

 

[Ollie180]

53 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Personally i think shares passions interests are better though in a way..for eg. A guy i was just getting to know kept going on about diy and fixing things for his friends and in his house and i felt myself drifting away into thinking about other things 😂😂😂. 

For sure! But the fact is if he’s funny enough, lighthearted enough - you probably wouldn’t be drifting away!!

Theres a difference between telling someone the ins and outs of the paint they used on their ceiling vs the guy that tells you about his diy disaster of dropping the paint pot on himself and having pastel pink hair for days!

Its like all the comedians on the tele who can have you in fits of laughter over the contents of a bedside drawer!!

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Ollie180 said:

I couldn’t care if someone was talking about their fake tan regime or 19th century Sculpture as long as they are smiling/laughing about it!! It’s not the subject that matters! It’s the the bonding and that comes through the way they talk about it!

I don’t need to be passionate about what they’re passionate about, I just need to be able to enjoy them enjoying it!

I usually try this tactic but mostly end up feeling I am talking to a white wall because I get noting back from the person at all. I can wax lyrical about cars supercars I have driven, articles I have written, my book I am busy writing, my interest in politics and history, the club I run but eventually just gave up because it never meant anything to them so when I go on a date I make sure I just talk about them because then the conversation does actually flow.

Again I think your "OLD puts apples with pears" point of view might be why this doesn't work.

[ZA Dater]

48 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If someone is going to go on about their own passions and interests then there has to be a great anecdote or a joke or at least build up to a punchline or a big revelation somewhere, else it is just boring. Things have to be presented in an interesting and entertaining way, even if it is about a deadly serious subject.

Why?
That is not a healthy way to live

.No laughing for hours??? no wonder there are no second dates.

It is if its all you have ever known, there is no balance to it at all but at least I fill my day with things.

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

For sure! But the fact is if he’s funny enough, lighthearted enough - you probably wouldn’t be drifting away!!

Theres a difference between telling someone the ins and outs of the paint they used on their ceiling vs the guy that tells you about his diy disaster of dropping the paint pot on himself and having pastel pink hair for days!

Its like all the comedians on the tele who can have you in fits of laughter over the contents of a bedside drawer!!

I struggle with that sort of humour, sure I can create it but it only goes so far and that isn't very far at all. One thing I have learnt from people over the year is some embellishment can go a long way sometimes and to some degree that does work.

The inherent problem is the things that I find cool really don't work on dates, for example a few months ago I got to drive a rare Ferrari convertible on a road trip, sun setting, roof down, open road with fantastic scenery. Try bring that up on a date and I can talk very passionately about this but its also largely meaningless. I can talk about a charity event I arranged for an orphanage but again this is largely meaningless. Then I can go on about interesting wine farms I have visited, some of my favourite places but again this never really works, or I can talk passionately about current affairs and well I learnt not to do this because what I end up doing exposing apathy. I love the date with the political lady because we could actually talk about all of these things and she could relate to some extent.

[Ollie180]

14 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

For me for better or worse it is. I do try laugh on dates but my humour is generally the dry type which most people don't pick up so its largely wasted.

The thing is... you want to get a different result you have to change something right? That’s logical! 
If I was going to bet what’s holding you back, I’d bet on it being this - all day everyday! Not your looks, not the fact you don’t drink, or less a busy life - this!!! The fact that you’re not having a laugh with them! It’ll make you seem more relaxed! 

[Emilie Jolie]

You don't have to be a laugh a minute, ZA Dater, so don't worry about it. Some women do actually like intense guys (see Healthcliffe) or dry humour (*raises hand) or politics (*raises both hands). You just haven't found a girl you gel with, and who gels with you.

You need to stop judging yourself in the eyes of women, and you need to stop judging women you don't gel with. 

[Ollie180]

28 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

for example a few months ago I got to drive a rare Ferrari convertible on a road trip, sun setting, roof down, open road with fantastic scenery. Try bring that up on a date and I can talk very passionately about this but its also largely meaningless. I can talk about a charity event I arranged for an orphanage but again this is largely meaningless. Then I can go on about interesting wine farms I have visited, some of my favourite places but again this never really works

There interesting things man - genuinely! But it’s how you talk about them that matters!

I’ve had chats with gf’s past about poaching, agriculture, and sustainability - subjects I’m very passionate about. But I’ve also laughed till I actually cried in a very posh restaurant over a story she told me about bumping into her neighbour while putting her bins out! ...I don’t value one of those conversations above the orher

 

And I get maybe you do! And that’s FINE - you’re entitled to be you! I’m not telling you to be different!! But you are asking why girls you meet aren’t wanting dates - fact is (going by women I have encountered in the last 35 yes) most girls are going to want some light and shade!

 

 

(also I’m not sure what you mean about apples with pears)

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, Ollie180 said:

There interesting things man - genuinely! But it’s how you talk about them that matters!

I’ve had chats with gf’s past about poaching, agriculture, and sustainability - subjects I’m very passionate about. But I’ve also laughed till I actually cried in a very posh restaurant over a story she told me about bumping into her neighbour while putting her bins out! ...I don’t value one of those conversations above the orher

 

And I get maybe you do! And that’s FINE - you’re entitled to be you! I’m not telling you to be different!! But you are asking why girls you meet aren’t wanting dates - fact is (going by women I have encountered in the last 35 yes) most girls are going to want some light and shade!

 

 

(also I’m not sure what you mean about apples with pears)

I don't think there is anyway at all to make those things appealing to a mass audience the dates that do sort of go well is where there is some degree of shared conversation. Its very, very, very hard to find these people though. A lot of what I am saying now is why I have this view about dating, I can try and make things interesting, I can laugh at myself but ultimately its just I am hardly ever finding the right people. Because of this I take the judgemental views I have about drinking and clubs and what I perceive people want because I just look at other guys with mainstream interests and it just seems easier for them because well they are less serious, more funny but funny in ways I don't really see the point of.

Of course the other thing I completely detest is someone who sits across the way and doesn't ask me one question.....what is up with that? If you aren't going to show any interest then why bother meeting me to begin with.

 

[ZA Dater]

40 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

You don't have to be a laugh a minute, ZA Dater, so don't worry about it. Some women do actually like intense guys (see Healthcliffe) or dry humour (*raises hand) or politics (*raises both hands). You just haven't found a girl you gel with, and who gels with you.

You need to stop judging yourself in the eyes of women, and you need to stop judging women you don't gel with. 

I try, really I do but so long without any real form of success has made me judgemental and in some respects quite desperate for some attention by anyone I do find vaguely appealing. As for finding people I gel with, I have found them but its never reciprocated.

Its enormously irritating to try and try and try get nowhere really, especially when some dates do seem quite promising and then to be just ghosted and yet people I don't really like are so easy to find relatively speaking. I'd love someone to tell me how to best adapt my thinking to deal with......

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Ok so my appearance doesn't get me matches and my personality doesn't get me second dates, such a winning combination this, I am struggling to contain my excitement. For what its worth I cant say you are wrong but unfortunately I am who I am

But you have got matches though from attractive  women. 

You need to try a different app or a different pool of people. Because quite clearly  this ain't  working out for you. And the people on the app that you use are not necessarily  going to be representative of every woman out there. 

You need to try different avenues. Get one of your friends to wingman you. 😁