do you just eventually give up?

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, MeadowFlower said:

Have you ever thought that maybe you'll find companionship with someone you don't find attractive.. But because of the companionship and friendship, you find yourself attracted to THEM. Who they ARE. 

If a guy is not attracted to a woman's looks, he's never going to become attracted to her, period.  She can be the greatest woman under the sun and he'll adore her in a platonic way, but the reality is, he'll always be settling for less.

[elaine567]

We all want something in our lives that is extra-ordinary.
Something we hanker over.
BUT the world is not often good at doling out our heart's desire and at some point we  all need to be realistic.
We are not going to live on that huge ranch in the prairie and own everything as far as the eye can see.
We are not going to have that big company, that big family, that big wedding, that big car, that big boat...
Ar some point we realise, its just not going to happen and we manage out life accordingly.
You are now 36, that dream girl is I guess not going to happen, you need to manage your life and expectations accordingly. 
You can buy things, but you can't buy love.
Time to put things into perspective.
"Interest" is not something to be decried and debased, interest is pure gold no matter where it comes from.
Forget superficial nonsense and go promote and seek out interest.
I am not suggesting you go find the ugliest "slag" in the place but there are a lot of decent honest women out there who may not look like models but who are interesting people and who will be loyal and who will love you to death.
Otherwise I can see you being alone for life.
Your friends who you no doubt wish to impress, will all have their own partners but you will still be alone....
Time to take stock.

[CaliforniaGirl]

22 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

If a guy is not attracted to a woman's looks, he's never going to become attracted to her, period.  She can be the greatest woman under the sun and he'll adore her in a platonic way, but the reality is, he'll always be settling for less.

That feels sad...

[Emilie Jolie]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Well I am looking for some sort of companionship with someone I find attractive, it sounds stupid to say but I'd just like someone I find attractive to find me attractive. That's all I really want as a first step.

The thing I am learning here is there are different ways of looking at things, different approaches for when I do actually find that person, so yes the points of view offered here are very valuable to me so thanks to everyone.

I don't think dating utopia exists but I do know that it is possible to enjoy spending time with someone. I have done this faux dating thing for a few years, its a very complicated situation but spending time with her is always nice, be it a quick conversation, a coffee, helping her with advice, there is just something calming and nice about that, she wont ever date me but I get a lot out of spending time with her, for one I have to be at my best and she does check me if I am not! We relate well together and I can be completely open, honest about who I am, just simply be me.

That's the problem I have with dating I never really reach that point because there just isn't that relatable or for want of a better word connection. Maybe the fact this works so well for is negative because I am always trying to replicate it. On a friend level she does care, telling today the first person who wished me was her.

Maybe most wont understand this.

Oh. Everything is starting to fall into place now.

Has this special friendship been going on for long, and is she the gold standard?

(Happy birthday, by the way).

[SumGuy]

29 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

If a guy is not attracted to a woman's looks, he's never going to become attracted to her, period. 

I’d say speak for yourself.   Yes there are certain cases where will never happen, but I have definitely become attracted to women once spent time around them.    The reverse is also true.  

[MeadowFlower]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

If a guy is not attracted to a woman's looks, he's never going to become attracted to her, period.  She can be the greatest woman under the sun and he'll adore her in a platonic way, but the reality is, he'll always be settling for less.

Yep and that's a part of why I dislike males. 👍 

[Foxhall]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Well I am looking for some sort of companionship with someone I find attractive, it sounds stupid to say but I'd just like someone I find attractive to find me attractive

that sounds perfectly natural really.

women like to get to know a guy.  (rather simple statement)

How easy are you to get to know? Are you prepared to have deep conversations about your childhood, your relationships with your immediate family and so on, can you speak freely about your hopes and aspirations,

let them get to know you, 

one area where myself and girlfriend connected is we both had complex relationships with our Fathers,

she was struck by the depth I could convey simply telling old stories but getting across the subtle psychological aspect of our relationship,

that in turn made her feel comfortable with me and that she could divulge her thoughts.

you need a bit of luck along the way, I suppose, in meeting the girl that you can connect and feel comfortable with. many women would not be the slightest bit interested in my family stories, but meeting one who was turned out to be a good moment for me.

maybe perhaps be prepared to open up a bit more on dates if you are not already, I would refrain though from highlighting your inexperience, but be prepared to go on deep conversations with someone you feel rapport with, 

Im not sure what you are learning from all the dates you have been on, is there anything that is working well, is there something that must be a clear "no no" and so on,

 

 

 

 

 

[elaine567]

42 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Oh. Everything is starting to fall into place now.

Has this special friendship been going on for long, and is she the gold standard?

(Happy birthday, by the way).

Her name is "K" - years.

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

How easy are you to get to know? Are you prepared to have deep conversations about your childhood, your relationships with your immediate family and so on, can you speak freely about your hopes and aspirations,

I think this is really important.  I could be wrong (and I'm hoping to stand corrected) but I get the feeling that ZA would rather talk about non emotional things such as jobs, politics, hobbies than spend time on personal thoughts and feelings.  

[Emilie Jolie]

37 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Her name is "K" - years.

Ah. That explains a few things. 

ZA, sounds like you have given yourself the ideal cover not to put yourself out there in any meaninful way. I agree with you, this one-sided faux dating situation is taking you a few steps back. You're turning getting to know you into a military operation with all the walls you've put up.

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

52 minutes ago, MeadowFlower said:

Yep and that's a part of why I dislike males. 👍 

Oh no...don't feel that way...I really do not think this represents all men. Remember that this is the internet. You're not necessarily seeing a cross section of the average person at any given time. You're seeing a group that's on at a specific time and that's a Scrabble bag chance of people who are already attracted to a place that...(sorry, everybody) well, talks a lot (a LOT) about problems, issues...needing to work things out. ETA: I just realized I insulted myself.

Edited May 16, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, MeadowFlower said:

Yep and that's a part of why I dislike males. 👍 

It's nothing to take personally, it's just biology.  Sorry, nature isn't always pleasant.  

[miranda561]

5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

If a guy is not attracted to a woman's looks, he's never going to become attracted to her, period.  She can be the greatest woman under the sun and he'll adore her in a platonic way, but the reality is, he'll always be settling for less.

Unfortunately  for both women and men alike..this is not wrong

[miranda561]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think this is really important.  I could be wrong (and I'm hoping to stand corrected) but I get the feeling that ZA would rather talk about non emotional things such as jobs, politics, hobbies than spend time on personal thoughts and feelings.  

A lot of men are like that though.

Unless you find ones who are really in touch with their feelings. Not that often that comes along

[miranda561]

3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Oh no...don't feel that way...I really do not think this represents all men. Remember that this is the internet. You're not necessarily seeing a cross section of the average person at any given time. You're seeing a group that's on at a specific time and that's a Scrabble bag chance of people who are already attracted to a place that...(sorry, everybody) well, talks a lot (a LOT) about problems, issues...needing to work things out. ETA: I just realized I insulted myself.

I agree with what the earlier poster said. If the guy isnt attracted to the woman..that potential just isnt there. Well especially  OLD. 

IT may  occur differently  if two people meet more organically outside of that.

Majority ive met online..have first and foremost been obsessed with how i look. Rest is just an added bonus  

[miranda561]

16 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Oh, I have been down this road before

Whats your mbti personality type? 

[Content]

5 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

That feels sad...

You can’t take what some people say on a forum as everyone or even the majority of people.

if I took what some ladies said just in this thread alone  you’d think  short men can’t attract women but  I know from personal experience it’s not the case.

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

Unfortunately  for both women and men alike..this is not wrong

Of course, however I think women can be attracted to men for attributes other than looks, more so than men can for women.  The guy just has to have something to compensate, i.e. he's extremely intelligent/charismatic/good provider etc. 

These attributes are still important for men, besides, perhaps, the latter as it's more the male's domain to provide - however, I don't believe they overcome looks in terms of eliciting sexual attraction.

I'm generalizing here, but with women deriving attraction on a more emotional level than men, it stands to reason that men have more scope to be attractive to women than vice versa.  However, through OLD, this generally can't be realized.

[CaliforniaGirl]

12 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Of course, however I think women can be attracted to men for attributes other than looks, more so than men can for women.  The guy just has to have something to compensate, i.e. he's extremely intelligent/charismatic/good provider etc. 

These attributes are still important for men, besides, perhaps, the latter as it's more the male's domain to provide - however, I don't believe they overcome looks in terms of eliciting sexual attraction.

I'm generalizing here, but with women deriving attraction on a more emotional level than men, it stands to reason that men have more scope to be attractive to women than vice versa.  However, through OLD, this generally can't be realized.

OTOH I feel like we really need a whole package...like a whole combination...at least if the "women are so picky" thing I hear so often is true. And man. Do I hear that often.

[MeadowFlower]

2 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Unfortunately  for both women and men alike..this is not wrong

I would say it can be wrong. 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Unfortunately  for both women and men alike..this is not wrong

No you're wrong. I have become attracted to a man I previously found unattractive.   You cannot speak for all.

 

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

OTOH I feel like we really need a whole package...like a whole combination...at least if the "women are so picky" thing I hear so often is true. And man. Do I hear that often.

Men do the chasing, women do the choosing.  It's biology.  And, what exactly is a man looking for when he chases?  Sexual attraction is always an extremely strong component in determining the female he desires.

Many (women) say men are vain and only want one thing.  Men are programmed to spread their seed and women are the gatekeepers to which men are the ones who'll be privileged enough to see their DNA passed on to the next generation.

Why is sexual attraction so prevalent in a male's choice for whom he will chase?  Good looks is an outward display of good genes.  A male is programmed to chase women that display good genetics.  Good genetics equals higher quality offspring.

The same rings true for women, with a twist; whilst it's also largely true that women will choose a man based on his physical attributes, some men can overcome a lack of physical attributes to some degree by displaying other atrributes which correlate to being a good provider.

On the contrary to your statement about how you feel that women need the whole package, I feel as though men need to be the whole package if they're to be considered universally attractive.

A handsome man with no money would be seen as less attractive than an equivalently beautiful woman with no money.  Sure, the handsome man will get a fair way with women just by his looks alone.  However, a beautiful woman would still have a line of men just as long, ready to wine and dine her, regardless of how much money she has.

Women are picky, because they need to be picky in order to choose the best possible partner.  However, due to their pickiness, which extends beyond looks, the equation for men being a viable partner is more complex. 

It's a double-edged sword which can work for men who are less attractive but have other, high quality attributes, and against men who only bring physical attributes to the table and not a lot more.

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[Trail Blazer]

38 minutes ago, basil67 said:

No you're wrong. I have become attracted to a man I previously found unattractive.   You cannot speak for all.

 

Could you please elaborate on what you initially found unattractive in this man and what exactly it was about him that changed in order for your attraction to this man to be realized?

[basil67]

He had no style and no looks.  Then I got to know him better as a person.   It didn't work out in the end because he was a fkn sociopath, but still...I got past the initial lack of attraction to his looks. 

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Men do the chasing, women do the choosing.  It's biology.

I'm a woman and I love the thrill of the chase. It's my biology.     The stereotyping in this thread of what men want/do and women want/do is doing my head in.   My theory is whenever somebody writes "men x" or "women y" is that the writer has no concept of human diversity.

Now you say that  "a beautiful woman would still have a line of men just as long, ready to wine and dine her, regardless of how much money she has".  What if she's as dumb as a box of hammers?  Or vain as a Kardashian?

Edited May 16, 2020 by basil67