do you just eventually give up?

[Trail Blazer]

17 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

With old on the app. Mypic isnt visible as i chose for it not to be. As soon as we match pretty much most guys will be like show me how you look. With barely a hello. So on that front i agree it is to do with looks.

Some guys are very entitled. They take their time to reply as soon as i do the same..they'll unmatch. I swear half those  guys need a psychologist before signing up to OLD.  ONE GUY yesterday started  friendly..asked to see my pic..saw my pic..asked what colour my eyes were. Im  guessing he liked my eyes ( theyre green). I read the message and didnt reply straight  away. Maybe came back n hour later n he had unmatched just as i was going  to reply. What a freak. Totally entitled

Why would you not display a pic?  I can tell you now, there's only ever been one profile I've ever bothered with that either displayed no photo, or had a photo of something random other than herself.

Her profile picture was of a car, a particular car which I liked a lot.  I was not expecting anything to come of it, so we did engage in a good conversation about said car.

I asked her for a profile pic and she was gorgeous.  She admitted she was only on PoF as she had a crush on a guy she saw a few times at a coffee shop near her work and was hoping to see him.

I thought it was strange, but we actually had a great conversation for nearly one month before it fizzled out.

In your case, you will find less attractive guys who'll message you hoping to unearth 'a gem'.  Guys who aren't desperate, have enough quality women to not concern themselves with someone who won't show their face.

A lot of guys, myself included, are skeptical of women who don't show their pics.  It's either because they have self-esteem issues or some other red flag.  Unless, likr one woman stated: "my pics are private due to the nature of my work."  It may be true, but even then I couldn't be bothered...

[Trail Blazer]

21 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Do you think the first one was nervous or shy maybe so she didnt speak much. Thisis why i think giving someone  a second chance is always a good idea. 

And the second one..was it because  she was too forward. You could have just said to take it slow instead of telling her you wish her well. 😂. I guess  you really wern't into either that much 

So tell me about  a successful date and what it was which you liked ultimately about the person. 

Nervous?  I'm not sure, but we didn't vibe and I wasn't interested in dating someone cohabiting with three generations.

Thr Columbian girl was just a bit much.  I don't think it would have worked.  She was too forward and would have been too bossy.

As for an example of a successful date, that would be the date I had with my now girl friend.  I don't wish to hijack this thread any more, so I should probably find the link to the thread on here I made about that date.

[miranda561]

7 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Why would you not display a pic?  I can tell you now, there's only ever been one profile I've ever bothered with that either displayed no photo, or had a photo of something random other than herself.

Her profile picture was of a car, a particular car which I liked a lot.  I was not expecting anything to come of it, so we did engage in a good conversation about said car.

I asked her for a profile pic and she was gorgeous.  She admitted she was only on PoF as she had a crush on a guy she saw a few times at a coffee shop near her work and was hoping to see him.

I thought it was strange, but we actually had a great conversation for nearly one month before it fizzled out.

In your case, you will find less attractive guys who'll message you hoping to unearth 'a gem'.  Guys who aren't desperate, have enough quality women to not concern themselves with someone who won't show their face.

A lot of guys, myself included, are skeptical of women who don't show their pics.  It's either because they have self-esteem issues or some other red flag.  Unless, likr one woman stated: "my pics are private due to the nature of my work."  It may be true, but even then I couldn't be bothered...

I keep it private because  i don't want people  i know to see me on there. Nothing  todo with red flags. And i mean the option is there to be used. A lot of men have their pics blurred too.

I do get matches still. Some attractive guys still likemy profile.but i guess i would get  even more if i showed it.

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:
Now at 36, he is too sensible, too analytical, too serious, too rigid, too sober, so there is no devil may care attitude and no joie de vivre...

 

This likely describes @ZA Dater at 16 and 26 as much as now. But point taken.

[miranda561]

12 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Why would you not display a pic?  I can tell you now, there's only ever been one profile I've ever bothered with that either displayed no photo, or had a photo of something random other than herself.

Her profile picture was of a car, a particular car which I liked a lot.  I was not expecting anything to come of it, so we did engage in a good conversation about said car.

I asked her for a profile pic and she was gorgeous.  She admitted she was only on PoF as she had a crush on a guy she saw a few times at a coffee shop near her work and was hoping to see him.

I thought it was strange, but we actually had a great conversation for nearly one month before it fizzled out.

In your case, you will find less attractive guys who'll message you hoping to unearth 'a gem'.  Guys who aren't desperate, have enough quality women to not concern themselves with someone who won't show their face.

A lot of guys, myself included, are skeptical of women who don't show their pics.  It's either because they have self-esteem issues or some other red flag.  Unless, likr one woman stated: "my pics are private due to the nature of my work."  It may be true, but even then I couldn't be bothered...

The guy im on and off with now. He's only got one pic of me. And he keeps asking  for another. He says before we meet he wants one more picture. I still haven't sent one. I think i just dont want to have to prove myself. .so out of stubbornness i haventbothered to. 

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

And that is how it tends to work and what ZA Dater missed out on., 
He doesn't have the impulsivity of youth to get drunk, take chances and fall into bed and find his feet in the dating world.
Now at 36, he is too sensible, too analytical, too serious, too rigid, too sober, so there is no devil may care attitude and no joie de vivre...

 

Quite correct. Drinking in excess never appealed to me because I saw how completely stupid or aggressive people became and how poor their judgement became. Drinking very negatively affected a family member.

So just like dating fwb one night is another dead end.

[chillii]

7 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Well according  to every male poster on here. Only looks matter 😂

 

Haaaaaaa well , even l get that impression round here butttt, forums are often filled with the problem child don't forget not quite the norm most of them are out there living life with their partner.

But for me it's just one portion of everything else l also need , one's no good without the others..

 

 

 

[miranda561]

4 hours ago, chillii said:

 

Haaaaaaa well , even l get that impression round here butttt, forums are often filled with the problem child don't forget not quite the norm most of them are out there living life with their partner.

But for me it's just one portion of everything else l also need , one's no good without the others..

 

 

 

Yes youre right. The special cases are here lol😂

I used to think men who care mostly about looks were those with personality  disorders 😂..as in ones who are fixated by an attractive woman and nothing else factors in their decisions 

 

[ZA Dater]

3 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Yes youre right. The special cases are here lol😂

I used to think men who care mostly about looks were those with personality  disorders 😂..as in ones who are fixated by an attractive woman and nothing else factors in their decisions 

 

I can tell you that someone with personality and attractive to me is what I have spent years looking for but ultimately I found either quality is quite difficult to find. If I think about dating from the other perspective it must be tedious for ladies having to deal with guys who only want one thing.

The problem to me seems that the cycle keeps repeating, I think I am fairly smart and when I go out I see exactly what Elaine mentions, alcohol used to blur judgement, reduce shyness and reduce inhibitions. Unfortunately I have also seen the dark of all of this and saw it fairly early on in life so it something that has zero appeal to me. Sure, I once took advice of this forum and had some wine, it don't think I became anymore interesting and truth be told I only did it because I wanted see if my luck would change with the person I was hoping to charm.

There is something special about someone who has looks and personality and I would really encourage you not to give up on that ideal.

[miranda561]

36 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I can tell you that someone with personality and attractive to me is what I have spent years looking for but ultimately I found either quality is quite difficult to find. If I think about dating from the other perspective it must be tedious for ladies having to deal with guys who only want one thing.

The problem to me seems that the cycle keeps repeating, I think I am fairly smart and when I go out I see exactly what Elaine mentions, alcohol used to blur judgement, reduce shyness and reduce inhibitions. Unfortunately I have also seen the dark of all of this and saw it fairly early on in life so it something that has zero appeal to me. Sure, I once took advice of this forum and had some wine, it don't think I became anymore interesting and truth be told I only did it because I wanted see if my luck would change with the person I was hoping to charm.

There is something special about someone who has looks and personality and I would really encourage you not to give up on that ideal.

I don't think suddenly being interested in alcohol is going to help out an otherwise shy and awkward invidividual. In fact you may feel worse after. Best thing is to work on your social skills whilst being sober. Did taking wine help?

Ive met many different people. I havent found both looks and personality. If it exists it's rare.

Most attractive men ( heck even some unattractive) men think they're  gods gift. And carry themselves in this manner. That is not appealing at all. 

And you're right we also have to ignore many requests from men who want one thing. Including those fakers who pretend like they want something more. 

So an arrogant fake man ( if they are attractive) is what i come across mostly. If theyre  unattractive  the same or there will always be something a little off. If i decide to stop caring about how they look.

YYou could say therefore im in the same boat as  you.this is all through  OLD btw 

 

 

Edited May 24, 2020 by miranda561

[Weezy1973]

53 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Yes youre right. The special cases are here lol😂

I used to think men who care mostly about looks were those with personality  disorders 😂..as in ones who are fixated by an attractive woman and nothing else factors in their decisions 

 

A lot of the guys who are fixated on looks have never actually had a relationship, so for them the only thing that actually elicits an emotional response is their visceral reaction to the way a woman looks. It’s only with experience that you realize looks are only skin deep, and they don’t have any. Like @ZA Dater for example.

[Weezy1973]

@miranda561 do you search through profiles with OLD, or do you only look through the people that have messaged you first? 

[miranda561]

8 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

A lot of the guys who are fixated on looks have never actually had a relationship, so for them the only thing that actually elicits an emotional response is their visceral reaction to the way a woman looks. It’s only with experience that you realize looks are only skin deep, and they don’t have any. Like @ZA Dater for example.

Maybe.

The person im on and off speaking to now..

Hes had more than one relationship...but he seems to mention the look of a woman before anything else.when he said his friend tried to set him up with women. I said how was it. All he could talk about was how plain they wer or ugly

[miranda561]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@miranda561 do you search through profiles with OLD, or do you only look through the people that have messaged you first? 

Its a mixture. 

Both people who message..and by looking through profiles. They tend to all like my pic ( single pic) ..but since people can only see it once matched..as in its hidden otherwise. I think a lot of people probably overlook it too. 

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Maybe.

The person im on and off speaking to now..

Hes had more than one relationship...but he seems to mention the look of a woman before anything else.when he said his friend tried to set him up with women. I said how was it. All he could talk about was how plain they wer or ugly

And you’re still thinking of dating him?

[Weezy1973]

9 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Its a mixture. 

Both people who message..and by looking through profiles. They tend to all like my pic ( single pic) ..but since people can only see it once matched..as in its hidden otherwise. I think a lot of people probably overlook it too. 

So when you find a profile you like, do you message him first? I think a lot of women fall in the trap of thinking their only options on OLD are the people that message them and don’t like to message first. And if that’s the case, it might be why your experience is similar to @ZA Dater’s in some ways.

[Emilie Jolie]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

There is something special about someone who has looks and personality

There are attractive people with great personalities everywhere; it's really not that rare. It's just that both these things are super subjective, and lots of people don't necessarily like to showcase themselves. I'd say my SO is both those things, but he'd never describe himself as much. He 's very humble and unassuming even though he's respected in his field. There is a ruthless side to him at work that I've never seen with me. He's just a really secure, together guy with a healthy mindset. He told me he briefly had a profile up on OLD but nothing came of it because he didn't like that he had to sell himself to get a date.

There are a lot of single people who don't use OLD; seems a bit short-sighted not to try and explore that further, as well as have an OLD thing at the same time.

Edited May 24, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[miranda561]

54 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And you’re still thinking of dating him?

Normally  i would have nexted him by now.

But i he fits the minimum criteria that i have.( good height, good age, educated, professional, ambitious). Believe it or not evenallof that combined is hard to find through old.

 

[miranda561]

57 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

So when you find a profile you like, do you message him first? I think a lot of women fall in the trap of thinking their only options on OLD are the people that message them and don’t like to message first. And if that’s the case, it might be why your experience is similar to @ZA Dater’s in some ways.

I can't actually message them as im not a paying member.so all i can do is swipe them and wait for themtodo the same. But since my photo is hidden im sure a lot dont bother. Ones who do are straight away like show me your photo.

There is another guy im speaking to and he's not the Best looking guy ive ever seen..and lives miles away but isnt educated (which is one of my criteria) but he seems nice

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

A lot of the guys who are fixated on looks have never actually had a relationship, so for them the only thing that actually elicits an emotional response is their visceral reaction to the way a woman looks. It’s only with experience that you realize looks are only skin deep, and they don’t have any. Like @ZA Dater for example.

Nice try here  Reality is I am quite open when it comes to looks BUT hugely overweight does not interest me at all so I suppose I should somehow just learn to find those sorts of people appealing?

As I saw with a match, an entire day of chatting "I really like you personality" all undone by a picture so yes it would say ladies do it too and based on my experience quite often too!

 

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

There are attractive people with great personalities everywhere; it's really not that rare. It's just that both these things are super subjective, and lots of people don't necessarily like to showcase themselves. I'd say my SO is both those things, but he'd never describe himself as much. He 's very humble and unassuming even though he's respected in his field. There is a ruthless side to him at work that I've never seen with me. He's just a really secure, together guy with a healthy mindset. He told me he briefly had a profile up on OLD but nothing came of it because he didn't like that he had to sell himself to get a date.

There are a lot of single people who don't use OLD; seems a bit short-sighted not to try and explore that further, as well as have an OLD thing at the same time.

I agree it is subjective just rare I suppose for me. Its very, very, very hard to find single people where I live, really it is. I think to do it with any degree of success one would need a large friend pool which I don't have and have never really had. Of course people go on about meet up but I find things like that very contrived and the ones I have been to, yeah its just odd to be honest.

My approach I think is going to be whenever lockdown here ends is to just actually forget about it, none of it is healthy, even when things go well they end badly so really the choice is have some degree of contentment of spend everyday wondering what I did wrong with that interaction or on that date. As someone pointed out here its futile because no matter what I do, as soon as they find out I am inexperienced it all pretty much ends anyway. Hence the comment from a date last year, "you need to date people as experienced as you do learn" sure except I cant date 18yo's.

No I think I just need to actually just face reality. Boat missed.

[Emilie Jolie]

21 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Of course people go on about meet up but I find things like that very contrived and the ones I have been to, yeah its just odd to be honest.

Hmmm...You think meet ups are contrived but you use OLD?🤔

I think maybe you should work on this 'contrived' thing - even work is contrived in some ways. Do you mean it's out of your comfort zone? 

21 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

No I think I just need to actually just face reality. Boat missed.

There's no boat on this, you're fine :). 

Not saying you're not facing an uphill battle and lots of lots of stigma, but not all people are judgemental, and not all of these non judgmental people are online. Give yourself a fighting chance and explore all options. 

By the way, I just did a quick 'meetup' search for South Africa and that seems to be a thing there too - there's even an 'intellectual, creative and introverted' group with a couple of thousand people - it's in Cape Town, which might not be suitable for you, but there are others too.

That's just an example, you don't even need to do that; just saying there are other ways of meeting singles.

Edited May 24, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[salparadise]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think a lot of women fall in the trap of thinking their only options on OLD are the people that message them and don’t like to message first. And if that’s the case, it might be why your experience is similar to @ZA Dater’s in some ways.

 I have gotten to the point that I seldom message women first. Since they're the ones who do the choosing anyway, why burn my valuable time and intention playing that losing game? If they message first the odds are at least 10X better that we'll have a good conversation and end up meeting. I find that women who are willing to message first have more balanced expectations, and see the world more like me. I do message first occasionally, but only for the highest quality matches, and only if they're local. For me at least, this is the best filter.

 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Hmmm...You think meet ups are contrived but you use OLD?🤔

I think maybe you should work on this 'contrived' thing - even work is contrived in some ways. Do you mean it's out of your comfort zone? 

There's no boat on this, you're fine :). 

Not saying you're not facing an uphill battle and lots of lots of stigma, but not all people are judgemental, and not all of these non judgmental people are online. Give yourself a fighting chance and explore all options. 

By the way, I just did a quick 'meetup' search for South Africa and that seems to be a thing there too - there's even an 'intellectual, creative and introverted' group with a couple of thousand people - it's in Cape Town, which might not be suitable for you, but there are others too.

That's just an example, you don't even need to do that; just saying there are other ways of meeting singles.

OLD is just superficial and contrived

I need to decide which battles I want to actually fight. And sure I'd like to believe people aren't judgemental, we all are to lesser and greater and degrees. Sure when lock down ends I might see what random conversation I can have, granted for the foreseeable future I am still working from home in a suburb so there isn't really any random conversation about.

Honestly I don't want to spend time with other people like me, having tried this before they don't bring the best out of me because there is not challenge to be better there, I can then just carry on being shy and whatever and  having been on dates with people like that it wasn't pleasant, go figure as to what I am actually saying here.....;)

I may look at meet up again, last time I just found it very awkward and contrived because there are cliques and the group just wasn't very friendly.

Ultimately I need to decide the level of regret I can live with. As you say its an uphill battle but is it really worth it? I could go and pay for company and I wouldn't need to go through this vetting process whereby every part of my being is scrutinised, the only reason I don't do that is there is a small part of me that just wants one good "organic" experience.

Sure I'll look at meet up and see but a lot of me believes after Friday's debacle that not matter what I cannot overcome the red flags unless by some miracle I meet someone who frankly I am starting to believe doesn't exist.

 

[Emilie Jolie]

22 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I need to decide which battles I want to actually fight.

That's actually a good way of looking at things in general, not just dating. You know, it may still happen, and it may not, but you don't want to regret how you live your life.