do you just eventually give up?

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Reality is I am quite open when it comes to looks BUT hugely overweight does not interest me at all so I suppose I should somehow just learn to find those sorts of people appealing?

I don't know about 'those sorts of people', the way I see it is someone is attractive who likes themself, is comfortable with themself, makes it easy for others to feel comfortable. Women swoon over Robbie Coltraine the actor!

An overweight person who is happy with themself is often attractive, but because lots of overweight people seem to have lots of negativity around their self-image but an unwillingness to change- it's the negativity and unwillingness to tackle what is clearly a problem for them that's unattractive, rather than appearance.

 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Nice try here  Reality is I am quite open when it comes to looks BUT hugely overweight does not interest me at all so I suppose I should somehow just learn to find those sorts of people appealing?

As I saw with a match, an entire day of chatting "I really like you personality" all undone by a picture so yes it would say ladies do it too and based on my experience quite often too!

 

Well yes, everybody will have some looks filter, it’s just where on the priority list it is. If your only relationship experience consists of swiping right and first dates, then it’s not hard to see how superficial qualities will be the only thing on that list. Mostly because deeper qualities take time to reveal themselves. 

[basil67]

To start finding diversity appealing, perhaps consider your perception.  In your descriptions, I can only recall you talking about slim vs hugely overweight.  Where does average size or a little bit overweight come into your equation?   There's a huge gap between slim and morbidly obese.   

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

To start finding diversity appealing, perhaps consider your perception.  In your descriptions, I can only recall you talking about slim vs hugely overweight.  Where does average size or a little bit overweight come into your equation?   There's a huge gap between slim and morbidly obese.   

I've been wondering about this. It seems unlikely that there is nobody at all between "runner/yoga" and hugely oberweight, so what about the rest?

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

To start finding diversity appealing, perhaps consider your perception.  In your descriptions, I can only recall you talking about slim vs hugely overweight.  Where does average size or a little bit overweight come into your equation?   There's a huge gap between slim and morbidly obese.   

I am slim so I find slim attractive but to be frank I am just so tired of looking.

[basil67]

57 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I am slim so I find slim attractive but to be frank I am just so tired of looking.

You're dodging the question ZA.   I'm guessing from your response that it's not just morbidly obese who you avoid, but also average sized healthy women?  

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

You're dodging the question ZA.   I'm guessing from your response that it's not just morbidly obese who you avoid, but also average sized healthy women?  

Not really dodging it just don't know how to answer it. What is average? To me average is the person who runs a bit and goes to the gym, stick figure is not average to me. Unfortunately for me the people I end up matching with are ALL overweight, excessively so. The last one actually had a great personality but I just couldn't find her attractive.

I have to just concede anything to with dating I wont take with any degree of seriousness because where does it get me, nowhere really. I did once go out with a really attractive, smart, intelligent lady, everything was nice about her and liked everything about her barring the fact she only met up with me because she needed tuition paid. Super classy, high quality interesting nice person.

SO yes I have been done that road too.

[basil67]

Ok, to be clearer, when I say ‘average’, I’m talking about a BMI which falls into the range of healthy.  The range of 18 - 25.   And what’s this about ‘stick figure’?  If she’s healthy, would you rule her out too? 

Disclaimer: yes, I know BMIs aren’t the be all and end all of healthy body.  

[elaine567]

Quote

Obesity, having too much body fat, is defined as having a body mass index (BMI) of greater than 30. BMI is a measure of your weight relative to your height. ... 
Morbid obesity, which is also termed “clinically severe obesity,” is typically defined as being more than 100 pounds overweight or having a BMI of 40 or higher.

So these young women are actually morbidly obese?

[thefooloftheyear]

Being slim for a guy means nothing really, in the context of physical desirablility.... In fact,  one could argue that a lot of women don't even like slim men....

On the other hand a slim/fit/petite woman is really going to be far more desirable and thus draw far more attention from far more guys, especially over the age of 30 or so...These women wont be too keen on settling...for anyone...Not when they have every guy on the street on to them..

TFY

 

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

 

On the other hand a slim/fit/petite woman is really going to be far more desirable and thus draw far more attention from far more guys, especially over the age of 30 or so...These women wont be too keen on settling...for anyone...Not when they have every guy on the street on to them..

TFY

 

Exactly.

[chillii]

Not really , they're on the same date sites you are your meeting them , 30s, still single, 40s, 50s, 20s, doesn't matter finding the right persons hard for anyone.. They're all over ls too . My womans a beautiful figure , she was single 3 yrs , my ex 5yrs , think you've said some of your fav's you've met are still single too. Just sayin , things are no where near as cut and dry and generalized as people make out.

[QuietRiot]

1 hour ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Being slim for a guy means nothing really, in the context of physical desirablility.... In fact,  one could argue that a lot of women don't even like slim men....

On the other hand a slim/fit/petite woman is really going to be far more desirable and thus draw far more attention from far more guys, especially over the age of 30 or so...These women wont be too keen on settling...for anyone...Not when they have every guy on the street on to them..

TFY

 

Yeah, and some women don't even need to go to the gym to have a desirable body. Some just don't eat much, and that's all that it takes to get their attention. Hell, if some women put on a few pounds and fill out in the right places, they are even more desirable by some men. (Enhanced curves). Sometimes a little thickness can turn heads.

My last g/f was 5'6", 145 lbs...so she had some weight on her, but she had  a lot of that fun in the thighs and caboose! LOL. She filled those yoga pants out well. 

Edited May 25, 2020 by QuietRiot

[Weezy1973]

@ZA Dater how are you matching with women you’re not attracted to? Wouldn’t that mean you’re swiping right on them indicating you are attracted to them?

[ZA Dater]

27 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA Dater how are you matching with women you’re not attracted to? Wouldn’t that mean you’re swiping right on them indicating you are attracted to them?

I am using boost so that is where the matches are coming from.

[miranda561]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Not really dodging it just don't know how to answer it. What is average? To me average is the person who runs a bit and goes to the gym, stick figure is not average to me. Unfortunately for me the people I end up matching with are ALL overweight, excessively so. The last one actually had a great personality but I just couldn't find her attractive.

I have to just concede anything to with dating I wont take with any degree of seriousness because where does it get me, nowhere really. I did once go out with a really attractive, smart, intelligent lady, everything was nice about her and liked everything about her barring the fact she only met up with me because she needed tuition paid. Super classy, high quality interesting nice person.

SO yes I have been done that road too.

How can they all be overweight. Is it like some app for weight watchers or something 😂

[miranda561]

2 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Being slim for a guy means nothing really, in the context of physical desirablility.... In fact,  one could argue that a lot of women don't even like slim men....

On the other hand a slim/fit/petite woman is really going to be far more desirable and thus draw far more attention from far more guys, especially over the age of 30 or so...These women wont be too keen on settling...for anyone...Not when they have every guy on the street on to them..

TFY

 

Slim is ok for a guy with a bit of muscle tone.

Don't like stick figures

[5x5]

1 hour ago, QuietRiot said:

My last g/f was 5'6", 145 lbs...so she had some weight on her, but she had  a lot of that fun in the thighs and caboose! LOL. She filled those yoga pants out well. 

You do know your last girlfriend wasn't actually overweight at all?

[Weezy1973]

I think part of the problem @ZA Dater is that you’re not wanting to commit to anything. This thread topic is about giving up and most of your threads cycle between getting advice on dating, rejecting most of it, and then concluding that giving up and seeking solace in the few good experiences you’ve had is the answer. And then the cycle repeats, over and over.

Like anything in life, you actually have to commit to something to succeed. You’ve stated many times that you like challenges, but in this area it seems that’s not the case. If you want to succeed in dating and relationships you’ll have to accept:  

 

1. That it will involve some hard work. There’s no magic success pill.

2. That there will always be the risk of rejection and heartbreak.

3. That you have to commit to it. Every time you give up, you got back to square one which makes it even harder.

 

Think of a chart of the stock market over the past century. There are lots of ups and downs, but the general trajectory is positive. If you invested 100 years ago you’d be doing very well today. 

[Miss Spider]

Pretty much... over the years, ZA’s threads have consisted of him sharing his dating woes, asking people for advise, people giving him advise, and then him saying it’s not possible or he refuses on principle. So, what can you do ? 

Quote

 

 

Edited May 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[ZA Dater]

45 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think part of the problem @ZA Dater is that you’re not wanting to commit to anything. This thread topic is about giving up and most of your threads cycle between getting advice on dating, rejecting most of it, and then concluding that giving up and seeking solace in the few good experiences you’ve had is the answer. And then the cycle repeats, over and over.

Like anything in life, you actually have to commit to something to succeed. You’ve stated many times that you like challenges, but in this area it seems that’s not the case. If you want to succeed in dating and relationships you’ll have to accept:  

 

1. That it will involve some hard work. There’s no magic success pill.

2. That there will always be the risk of rejection and heartbreak.

3. That you have to commit to it. Every time you give up, you got back to square one which makes it even harder.

 

Think of a chart of the stock market over the past century. There are lots of ups and downs, but the general trajectory is positive. If you invested 100 years ago you’d be doing very well today. 

I don't disagree with you but there is zero ROI with dating, absolutely nothing good about it for me at all. I have tried and tried for years and in some respects I regret that because I could have spent the time doing things which may have given better ROI.  In addition the big difference with your analogy is that with stocks you can cash out and get something out of it, what do I really get out of dating? On the face of it nothing, all I end up doing is putting myself under scrutiny to try and rationalise a lack of success.

At no point do I really like the results I have gotten have improved, not at all, if anything the choice of people who find me attractive is worse now than it was 5 years ago. SO yes trying to extract any positive from it is very difficult if I look at all the experiences together, sure there have been good ones but the results never were, all they prompted was even more self scrutiny to answer a question of: why.

I do everything I know on dates but its never enough so that puts me in this space where sure there is a lot of good advice and I have tried LOTS of it. I could accept ALL of the bad if there was just a tiny bit of good but there never really is. For example about 6 years ago I had a date with an au pair, again off some dating site, we got along really well, date was good but "there is no chemistry", so no when I see a stock fall there is always usually a market related reason, with dating there is no rational reason for anything.

My generalised views are wrong and I accept that but they are also derived on experiences I have had and observations I have made. I truly admire a lot of people here because each of you have had some success and that's an accomplishment in itself. Am I wrong in my approach, maybe. Do I think more 'work" will get better outcomes I don't know because for me I transfer OLD onto society as a whole and I look at what hasn't worked for me there and when I apply it to society I just realise the same things hold true there. It is extremely hard to find confidence in constant failure what is easy to find in that is cynicism and when you start looking at things with that point of view you arrive at the views and perceptions I have.

Can go back years to try and rationalise my lack of dating success, I can go back to school where politics interested me more than discos(remember them) and where cars enthralled me more than rugby or when I decided to pick studying over spending time with that girl in 11th grade or time  asked someone out in front of a group and got turned down and laughed at or the time I landed up with nobody to take the senior dance. I can go on and on, trivial yes but a part of the larger picture of no real success. Eventually I got tired of this and realised that the whole thing was a lot of nonsense so went out to try find "experience" well that proved even more impossible than dating.

I go on dates and my entire viewpoint of life does not synch with theirs most of the time but when it does its amazing but that's maybe happened 5 times at most, again I suppose I am at fault for looking at things the way I do. Again that is me trying to rationalise something.

I understand they want fun, I understand they want to laugh, I understand they want to connect and I do try and try and try but never ever get anywhere at all. Or more irritatingly find the spectre of judgement is never far away. Honestly I go on a date with the view of trying to make a friend because frankly I wouldn't know how to do anything else. Nothing I seem to do is ever good enough but frankly it would seem I am just not good enough either.

Either I choose to enjoy the frankly small number of good experiences or I wallow in the bad ones, you try being 36 and being asked when you will find a gf, you try going to events and have people muttering behind your back, you face that stigma of society and tell me how that feels, the answer is not very good. Options collapse in a heap and never go outside, go outside but make sure you are so shielded that you frankly never give much emotion away at all, commit to work keep yourself busy as possible.

How would I fix this, well I have thought about this many times, probably I'd have myself introduced to someone who either takes me on as a project or accepts who I am but why would a marketable person do that, in short they would not, this would only work if the person was someone like me and that would never interest me much the same way I never interest anyone I really do like. SO yes do the math on that and you get a lovely answer of zero.

[Miss Spider]

Advice*

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Pretty much... over the years, ZA’s threads have consisted of him sharing his dating woes, asking people for advise, people giving him advise, and then him saying it’s not possible or he refuses on principle. So, what can you do ? 

 

Except I have asked the same question.....where to meet quality people. Where do the rest of you meet dates? Who introduces you?  I don't refuse on principal I simply apply the advice and it does not work for me at all. How on earth am I suppose to change the look of my face? When I have an experience like that am I not supposed to be bitter and resentful, there absolutely no way of sugar coating that.

I want to know where the people here met dates and I want to know what each persons criteria was? Its easy to tell me what to do but if you were actually me, walking in my shoes what would you do?  How far behind is too far behind when it comes to dating?

At what point do I start looking at this another way and considering other options. Its not like people around me are doing much to help me in any meaningful way, a few weeks ago a friend basically tried to sell me as a date to his au pair, super awkward because I could see she wasn't interested and nor am I. He thought it was a fantastic idea. Just like it was a fantastic idea to try and sell me to a shop assistant who had a bf.

My reality is I look around me and I don't see single people, seemingly everyone is taken, truthfully I have not met a single person socially in about 3 years. It seems to me that by 28-29 people are pretty set in relationships so the pool is even smaller.

Add my own self perception and there is no wining formula here barring going for the full transactional dating route.

[ZA Dater]

Way I see it I can just get on with life and just see what happens. Do I think I can get that 28yo smart, attractive lady, probably not because objectively I have nothing unique to offer her that no other guys has so she would have no reason to pick me over more social better looking guys. That's just the way it is, I just have very low dating value.

So this is me giving into the view that some of you have.

Fortunately I value myself as a person higher than I value myself as a dating prospect. So if I have to resign myself to looking on then I guess that's what I have to do. I like to think I am a good person with things to offer but I guess the market wants different things. I suppose it could be worse I could be dating someone I don't like at all, I could dating someone desperate for attention and I could be dating someone who wants to control my every move so I guess there are plus sides to this.

I guess the downside will be alone.

[Emilie Jolie]

Sorry, ZA.

3 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Way I see it I can just get on with life and just see what happens.

That's a good way forward, for what it's worth.