do you just eventually give up?

[Trail Blazer]

7 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

🤦‍♀️. Please don't do this...

Don't worry, he didn't.

[Trail Blazer]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Yes, I have learnt some body language is better than other, I project more confidence, I smile as often as I can, try and laugh at myself, try to create a light hearted atmosphere, sometimes joke about what food I am going to eat if its a dinner date, try not to be too serious. I try project the good parts of me, the things I enjoy, the things I am passionate about.

So its not like I sit there in a dour mood. I do try and if nothing else I find I am not too bad at doing this and the awkwardness is less and with some people I can keep it bay completely. Eye contact is important so I try and keep that as much as possible.

People keep telling me to find friends, where exactly? I have tried to befriend some of these dates but got nowhere with too, which I guess is telling on it own.

Ultimately I have decided to just give it a rest, work on other things which I do enjoy the thing is I will always wonder....what if? I enjoy my hobbies far more than dating, the solitude of cycling, sitting with car club friends at breakfast after a morning drive, the restfulness of the ocean.

I can sit and pick myself apart and for what ends? I just end up feeling hopeless and that's not a good place to be so I can choose to make myself believe I could date someone I find attractive. Yes, it sounds pathetic but its better than living with feeling of being desired by nobody I truly find attractive.

 

You've just mentioned you have friends in your car club and you have another friend who also is in the same boat as you with regards to giving up dating.

I losr track of some of the women you've said you talk to, but along the journey it seems as though you do have some female friends.  

You know, it just seems like the goalposts are always shifting with you.  People suggest to do this or that and you always find a reason for why you "can't" or why something is "too hard" or something along those lines.

I refuse to believe that there aren't women out there for you.  You're intelligent and have a good job, you keep yourself very fit and, going by your (difficult to make out) profile photo, it wouldn't appear as though your face is hideously unattractive.

If you really are doing everything right, then there's no reason to believe why you aren't capable of finding your "equal".  I can only surmise that your problem is that the women you find attractive are in very high demand.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

People keep telling me to find friends, where exactly? 

I still believe that you'd find some really great connections with people who are on the autism spectrum.  Those with high intelligence and little use for inane conversations.    Would you be willing to give them a try?  

[Gr8fuln2020]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I still believe that you'd find some really great connections with people who are on the autism spectrum.  Those with high intelligence and little use for inane conversations.    Would you be willing to give them a try?  

I saw this and thought, hmmm, I have been wanting to ask him whether he has been diagnosed on the spectrum, but looks like someone else beat me to it. Has he revealed that he may be? Or is this coincidence?

[basil67]

No, ZA hasn't looked into whether or not he's on the spectrum.  Previously he wrote that he doesn't want to be with people who identify with a diagnosis, but I'd love to see him reconsider.

[chillii]

lt's nothing to do with high intelligence it's very very simple shyt to understand , or except is more the word. More so stubbornness or refusal to except the piece by piece involved in human interaction as we get older.. l didn't like small talk either but l think l was about 16 when l figured out that that's what turns life and people and connections , relationships, friendships, into the real,  it all starts with a word, the beginning, even a shy glance , crawl before you walk. Or it can also be just being nice when there is no where else for it to go , so what, they know that you know that but people usually only have good intentions with it .  But as much as everyone has tried to explain op still seems to expect to just open the door and boom, there it is, all ready and in top gear holding a death grip to his interpretations of how it all works. He says it's in his face and l'd agree only it is more written in his face , not his face itself. As we've all tried to say many times , that stuff, attitudes , negatives , bitterness , his interpretations of how it all works , will be a sign across his forehead that she'll pick up in 1 sec flat - through fake smiles- efforts , any of it .

Edited May 19, 2020 by chillii

[40Something]

Hello everyone, new girl here but have been reading for years🙂

Boy, I had to register in order to dispel this myth that ZA Dater is perpetuating with his constant moans and groans about the women of South Africa being the reason for his lack of a love life. No its not.

I am from SA, our women are beautiful and intelligent. We are educated.  ZA's problem is not the women or his looks. Its the fact that he is looking for a perfect 10 woman when he is at best a 5, and I am not referring to looks but his communications skills or lack thereof, and constant Eeyore mode. Nobody wants any of that.

@ZA Dater Average looking men can get beautiful women,why? Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Don't expect to be getting dates when you seem to prejudge women based entirely on their looks or body weight. 

I am not trying to be mean but please stop making SA women/people the issue, when this is a personality problem. I don't drink alcohol either, and party with the best of them. Not an issue to anyone in my circle.

I wish you all the best.

 

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

You've just mentioned you have friends in your car club and you have another friend who also is in the same boat as you with regards to giving up dating.

I losr track of some of the women you've said you talk to, but along the journey it seems as though you do have some female friends.  

You know, it just seems like the goalposts are always shifting with you.  People suggest to do this or that and you always find a reason for why you "can't" or why something is "too hard" or something along those lines.

I refuse to believe that there aren't women out there for you.  You're intelligent and have a good job, you keep yourself very fit and, going by your (difficult to make out) profile photo, it wouldn't appear as though your face is hideously unattractive.

If you really are doing everything right, then there's no reason to believe why you aren't capable of finding your "equal".  I can only surmise that your problem is that the women you find attractive are in very high demand.

Pretty much! Thanks for the sage advice.

I am just going to work out and see what comes of it, more so to keep fit than for any dating purpose. It depends how you define friends, sure I know people I don't see them that often but we communicate.

I'll just do the things I enjoy and just put dating aside, I'll change pictures on OLD platforms if I sign up again, change bios and go through the motions. I'll work on my face to face communication but again I'll just be me, so what if they don't greet, so what if I am not fun.

Ultimately its my life to live in the most content way I can. Sure, I wish I had made more of some of it but as someone says you can look forward not back. I really should of made more of that interaction I had with an athletic brunette in one of the classes I was taking, she after all approached me.

This thread has made me think a lot.

 

[ZA Dater]

8 minutes ago, 40Something said:

Hello everyone, new girl here but have been reading for years🙂

Boy, I had to register in order to dispel this myth that ZA Dater is perpetuating with his constant moans and groans about the women of South Africa being the reason for his lack of a love life. No its not.

I am from SA, our women are beautiful and intelligent. We are educated.  ZA's problem is not the women or his looks. Its the fact that he is looking for a perfect 10 woman when he is at best a 5, and I am not referring to looks but his communications skills or lack thereof, and constant Eeyore mode. Nobody wants any of that.

@ZA Dater Average looking men can get beautiful women,why? Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Don't expect to be getting dates when you seem to prejudge women based entirely on their looks or body weight. 

I am not trying to be mean but please stop making SA women/people the issue, when this is a personality problem. I don't drink alcohol either, and party with the best of them. Not an issue to anyone in my circle.

I wish you all the best.

 

Welcome.

Actually I not looking for a perfect 10 but I have spent time with a perfect 20 if that counts?

Last time I checked you and I haven't communicated in person so it might be a stretch to pass judgement on my communication skills, and he funny thing is I don't really resonate much with the number 5, I prefer even numbers but thanks for your judgement based on one grainy picture. Don't worry I don't take it heart, honesty is good, good honest is better than bad flattery.

Prejudge, well I think OLD itself is one where judgement is passed quickly and with effectiveness of a knife cutting through butter. Is it right, of course not but it happens anyway. Sure beauty is always in the eye of the beholder and honestly I can find most people who keep in reasonably shape to be beautiful in one way or another.

I am glad you were honest about personality, you are right it probably is.

[Trail Blazer]

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Pretty much! Thanks for the sage advice.

I am just going to work out and see what comes of it, more so to keep fit than for any dating purpose. It depends how you define friends, sure I know people I don't see them that often but we communicate.

I'll just do the things I enjoy and just put dating aside, I'll change pictures on OLD platforms if I sign up again, change bios and go through the motions. I'll work on my face to face communication but again I'll just be me, so what if they don't greet, so what if I am not fun.

Ultimately its my life to live in the most content way I can. Sure, I wish I had made more of some of it but as someone says you can look forward not back. I really should of made more of that interaction I had with an athletic brunette in one of the classes I was taking, she after all approached me.

This thread has made me think a lot.

 

It all boils down to one thing.  If you are only attracted to girls who aren't attracted to you, you are wasting your time and should give up.  OLD will do your head in!

[ZA Dater]

18 minutes ago, chillii said:

 He says it's in his face and l'd agree only it is more written in his face , not his face itself. As we've all tried to say many times , that stuff, attitudes , negatives , bitterness , his interpretations of how it all works , will be a sign across his forehead that she'll pick up in 1 sec flat - through fake smiles- efforts , any of it .

Maybe they do, I don't know. Sure you all pointed it out but its not that easy to get rid of now is it? 

However what should be clear is my honesty but I would guess that does not rank too highly. An interesting thing to think about is the effect of the following, giving someone positive affirmation and attention. Do you see the value in that? Irrespective of who I come across I try and do that, so to say my approach is bitter isn't really true, I go on dates with an open mind but I also go without expecting much from myself barring the need to be transparent and me.

What is flirting, well I would guess it is positive affirmation and positive attention however the hard part is the body language and reading that, I am person who relies on words not actions to read people so its VERY hard for me to read people if they aren't articulating well. Honestly this is a major problem with dating and maybe its why in some instances I approached it as I would a business transaction but what I would like to know is HOW do you build up enough good will on a date to overcome issues.

We al have them why do some people get a pass and others get rejected?

So yes I'll take your advice and do less OLD and try do more in person, maybe that way even a hello or brief conversation will be a win for me as opposed to sitting looking at pretty pictures.

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

It all boils down to one thing.  If you are only attracted to girls who aren't attracted to you, you are wasting your time and should give up.  OLD will do your head in!

That's exactly the issue. But you know the gym idea is a good one, if I cant beat them then I guess I need to join them. If nothing else I might derive some more confidence from being fitter.

[Trail Blazer]

6 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

That's exactly the issue. But you know the gym idea is a good one, if I cant beat them then I guess I need to join them. If nothing else I might derive some more confidence from being fitter.

Wait, what?  Didn't you just say a few posts ago that you go to the gym and have arms like tree trunks? 🤔

[40Something]

13 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Welcome.

Actually I not looking for a perfect 10 but I have spent time with a perfect 20 if that counts?

Last time I checked you and I haven't communicated in person so it might be a stretch to pass judgement on my communication skills, and he funny thing is I don't really resonate much with the number 5, I prefer even numbers but thanks for your judgement based on one grainy picture. Don't worry I don't take it heart, honesty is good, good honest is better than bad flattery.

Prejudge, well I think OLD itself is one where judgement is passed quickly and with effectiveness of a knife cutting through butter. Is it right, of course not but it happens anyway. Sure beauty is always in the eye of the beholder and honestly I can find most people who keep in reasonably shape to be beautiful in one way or another.

I am glad you were honest about personality, you are right it probably is.

Thank you for the welcome. 

We have not ever communicated, my comment was based on observing your posts for the past few years. You have stated yourself that you cannot seem to communicate with any of the ladies you've gone on dates with.

The number 5 was a random number and was not meant to be mean as i said. I can barely see your pic. I based it on what I've read from you. 

People here are trying to help you, but you seem oblivious and unwilling to change your outlook. I would rate myself attractive and contrary to what you believe also struggle to find dates. So clearly its not all about looks. I've had to really be open to deep introspection and be open to change how i view online dating, and potential dates. Look beneath the surface, beauty comes in so many different packages. Just be open to it.

[chillii]

Of course , many have tried over to be supportive and positive for you , think l told you once l'm determined to get you married off and gave you congrats on getting some great dates and of course you need something back from her too. This is what's made me think over and over that you must be giving yourself away because your nice here to and very patient , but the attitudes man .

[Emilie Jolie]

 

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

I still believe that you'd find some really great connections with people who are on the autism spectrum.  Those with high intelligence and little use for inane conversations.    Would you be willing to give them a try?  

 I'm sure you didn't mean in that way and I think I know where this is going, but this is coming across as a bit condescending to both ZA and women on 'the spectrum'. Connections between compatible, empathetic humans are not dependent on a condition or a diagnosis, in my opinion. We can agree to disagree, that's no problem :).

2 hours ago, 40Something said:

Boy, I had to register in order to dispel this myth that ZA Dater is perpetuating with his constant moans and groans about the women of South Africa being the reason for his lack of a love life. No its not.

I am from SA, our women are beautiful and intelligent. We are educated.  

I don't believe anyone thought that, to be honest. On this thread alone, ZA has candidly admitted to his own faults, shortcomings and inadequacies, to his credit. I personally don't have that sort of patience!

ZA, how candid are you on those dates with the women you are attracted to? 

 

 

[elaine567]

I think ZA Dater over the years HAS blamed South African women for his lack of success.

[jspice]

3 hours ago, 40Something said:

Hello everyone, new girl here but have been reading for years🙂

Boy, I had to register in order to dispel this myth that ZA Dater is perpetuating with his constant moans and groans about the women of South Africa being the reason for his lack of a love life. No its not.

I am from SA, our women are beautiful and intelligent. We are educated.  ZA's problem is not the women or his looks. Its the fact that he is looking for a perfect 10 woman when he is at best a 5, and I am not referring to looks but his communications skills or lack thereof, and constant Eeyore mode. Nobody wants any of that.

@ZA Dater Average looking men can get beautiful women,why? Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Don't expect to be getting dates when you seem to prejudge women based entirely on their looks or body weight. 

I am not trying to be mean but please stop making SA women/people the issue, when this is a personality problem. I don't drink alcohol either, and party with the best of them. Not an issue to anyone in my circle.

I wish you all the best.

 

Pointless. I’m from SA too. 
 

Apparently all of us want a beer guzzling, rugby watching, trance party going guy. 
 

 

[40Something]

17 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

 

 I'm sure you didn't mean in that way and I think I know where this is going, but this is coming across as a bit condescending to both ZA and women on 'the spectrum'. Connections between compatible, empathetic humans are not dependent on a condition or a diagnosis, in my opinion. We can agree to disagree, that's no problem :).

I don't believe anyone thought that, to be honest. On this thread alone, ZA has candidly admitted to his own faults, shortcomings and inadequacies, to his credit. I personally don't have that sort of patience!

ZA, how candid are you on those dates with the women you are attracted to? 

 

 

Hi Emilie

Not denying that ZA has made those admissions but in general over the years he's made it sound as if the quality of women from SA is not that great which is untrue and misleading.

I think nearly everyone here is rooting for him to find love.

[Emilie Jolie]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think ZA Dater over the years HAS blamed South African women for his lack of success.

Defence mechanism?

Not trying to find any excuses, if he has then it's obviously not great, though I don't think anyone actually believes SA women are awful either way.

Just trying to see things through his eyes. 

[40Something]

12 minutes ago, jspice said:

Pointless. I’m from SA too. 
 

Apparently all of us want a beer guzzling, rugby watching, trance party going guy. 
 

 

Hi Jspice

Lol yep

[elaine567]

Just now, Emilie Jolie said:

Defence mechanism?

Of course.
I think anyone who feels they are rejected across the board is going to have all sorts of personal theories as to why that is.
 

[Emilie Jolie]

15 minutes ago, 40Something said:

I think nearly everyone here is rooting for him to find love.

Absolutely. 

Just saying I would not have the candidness and openness to put myself out there on an open forum, admit to all my flaws (I have plenty of them too, like us all) and allow myself to be repeatedly picked apart, sometimes mercilessly (I'm sure I've done it too, unwittingly - sorry ZA!). I hope ZA finds some comfort in that; I know I wouldn't. I guess he's a much more resilient person than me for sure!

 

Edited May 19, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Wait, what?  Didn't you just say a few posts ago that you go to the gym and have arms like tree trunks? 🤔

Always room to improve. I gym at home.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Emilie Jolie said:

ZA, how candid are you on those dates with the women you are attracted to? 

Well here is the thing I am not blunt if that's what I you mean but I also don't really major in what I see many guys do and that's talk BS about themselves which in the case of people I know simply isn't true. My approach is very much to be authentic to who I am and what my beliefs are. In the case of some dates this works well because common ground is found but again it doesn't happen that often. My other issue is how to show them I like them, I have pondered this many times and never really found an answer, being nice, well everyone is nice, trying to be charming and playful, I have observed this and tried it from time to time.

Ultimately I don't end up saying "so what are you looking for" even though I have been tempted to on occasion. What I perhaps cant haven't conveyed properly here is that for me the problem I have is two fold

1: Finding people I find attractive

2: Actually trying to have a decent enough date to try get a second date.

For me when I go I don't really go with any sort of plan, when I first started out I did but realised that this makes the whole thing regimented and that doesn't really work so I try go as relaxed as I can be. Go with the view of meeting someone interesting and see.

However where the trouble starts is when I start thinking and over thinking and thinking some more. Then more trouble starts when I don't get decent matches and as you have all seen that's not something I wear particularly well. SO yes I can go out and be friendly, I can participated in a conversation of people, granted I feel like the outsider most of the time but I can actually do that.

A really stupid thing I did was via a friend I met someone who was quite different but exuded warmth and she was just nice to me, this was an good example of where I simply didn't have the skills to make more of it, she sort of did reach out to me but I didn't know what to do with that so then overthinking sets in and inevitably nothing happens.

I like it like this, to drive around a track quickly you need to be accurate because a mistake in one corner can compromise the next and so on and so forth, I tend to get put off too quickly by mistakes I make in dating and then its more me irritated with myself than anything else.