do you just eventually give up?

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, lovelydemon said:

His need for a perfect partner is so he can hide his autistic self in her perfection.  

I don’t agree with this. I think many start out with an idealized version of what they hope/want/expect to find in a relationship partner. However, most tend to adapt and develop more realistic expectations with experience and maturity. That’s the key thing that’s missing here and it’s what hinders ZA from being successful with dating, the ability to adapt and be flexible. 

[Emilie Jolie]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Am starting to think my approach also needs to be a less serious one when it comes to dating, if it happens well great, if not well there are other things in life.

Right. Work on getting rid of the anxiety underpinning all your dating experiences first.

All your hobbies sound like individual activities; it's great if you are very introverted but maybe you could try to get involved in more online stuff too, as well as LS.  Are you a gamer? I hear the gaming community is inclusive and low maintenance, so maybe you could lowkey learn new social skills that way initially? Being an active participant in a group setting with new people who know nothing about you can be a good confidence-booster. Worth considering if you have time.

But mostly, be kind to yourself, be comfortable in your body and be patient with yourself. There is no rush, you're not on a timeline, enjoy the one life you have on this earth to the max - we only get one shot at this, we may as well make it as anxiety-free as possible, right?

 

 

Edited May 20, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[Trail Blazer]

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

In hindsight the mistake I made was to believe the OLD can work....logically thinking about it now I think if you are superficially stunning it could work well in the sense you will get dates but what the quality of those dates are like is another matter...the irritation I face of not getting attractive dates is mirrored by attractive people not getting quality dates based on conversations I have had.

I couldn't disagree with you more.  Many people have good experiences on OLD and many people find committed, long-term relationships out of those good first dates.

Nobody wouldn't ever have some bad experiences, but I've always said that you're just one bad date away from a good one.

[Weezy1973]

24 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

I couldn't disagree with you more.  Many people have good experiences on OLD and many people find committed, long-term relationships out of those good first dates.

Nobody wouldn't ever have some bad experiences, but I've always said that you're just one bad date away from a good one.

It’s kind of like sales people that do cold calls. For every 10 no’s they get a yes. Like I’ve said many times, if you’re meeting strangers, it’s way more likely to be a no (from either or both sides) than a yes. Accepting that reality and then modifying your expectations so every date isn’t a big disappointment when it isn’t a match will go a long way. 

[Content]

13 hours ago, lovelydemon said:

I think ZA Dater is most likely autistic. His need for a perfect partner is so he can hide his autistic self in her perfection.  His refusal to explore this diagnosis means that he will never understand and accept himself, and, thus, he will never understand and accept autistic women. 

Don’t know if it’s Autism  but it’s definitely from a place of insecurity and needing validation through your partner.

I see it with people all the time. They don’t just want a partner there attracted to they want someone who’s universally attractive because  they feel that gives them validation.

The guy who needs a tall blonde or a 10 or the women who demands the guy be over 6 feet. Sure attraction is part of it but once  you start to use numbers  a person needs to have its beyond attraction you’re using your partner as a status symbol to up your value.

Confidence comes from whithin not from how attractive your partner is.

Edited May 20, 2020 by Content

[Trail Blazer]

23 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s kind of like sales people that do cold calls. For every 10 no’s they get a yes. Like I’ve said many times, if you’re meeting strangers, it’s way more likely to be a no (from either or both sides) than a yes. Accepting that reality and then modifying your expectations so every date isn’t a big disappointment when it isn’t a match will go a long way. 

I found dating to be fun regardless of the outcome.  I think I was only ever on one date where I found the girl a little frustrating.  She was very hard to get to engage in reciprocal discussion.  Needless to say we didn't progress beyond that first date.

I think that people who treat it too seriously and who are too outcome focused are generally not going to enjoy it.  If your objective is purely to find someone compatible for a relationship, that's fine.  However, I'm of the opinion that if you take the more laid back approach, you're just as likely to get a second date, whilst having a lot more fun along the way.

I dated mostly for fun, but I was certainly open to finding someone to be in a relationship with.  She'd have to tick all the boxes and then some if I were going to give up being single.  After approximately 15 dates with a three-month FWB relationship in between, I did meet someone where the chemistry was extremely prevalent and, as a result, have been in a relationship for seven months.

I think OP needs to try and find ways to have more fun on dates.  Perhaps that is easier said than done and for OP, meeting new people isn't fun, but rather, he sees it as merely a necessary task in the process of finding a relationship.  If that's the case then that's a shame, as I feel as though if you can embrace the social aspect of meeting new people, then dating is fun.

[Emilie Jolie]

@Trail Blazer, you are right. OLD can and does work very well for a lot of people, but it's not suited to all temperaments or states of mind. It's a bit counterproductive to pursue something that makes you anxious or affects your mental and emotional health. It's ok to want to take a step back and reassess, just so you perhaps can get back to it without the added pressure of having to 'succeed' whatever that means.

[elaine567]

32 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

@Trail Blazer, you are right. OLD can and does work very well for a lot of people, but it's not suited to all temperaments or states of mind. It's a bit counterproductive to pursue something that makes you anxious or affects your mental and emotional health. It's ok to want to take a step back and reassess, just so you perhaps can get back to it without the added pressure of having to 'succeed' whatever that means.

But dating is dating whether it is about OLD, or cold approaches or asking out that cute girl in accounts or going on a blind date with a friend of a friend.
None of it is easy for someone who finds dating  a problem.
There are no easy options.
The pressure to succeed will always be there for anyone who has tasted repeated "failure".

[Emilie Jolie]

I can only speak for myself. To me 3D dating is super easy; I've never planned in advance who what or where, I fell into RLs just by meeting people in my extended social circle or professional circle. Yet I can't use OLD for toffee; I don't find any attraction to a photo, and I'm not just going to meet someone because he lives 10 miles from me, has green eyes and likes Japanese food. I need in the flesh, 3D vibe straight away. Not a connection, just a vibe. All OLD does is tell you whether someone is single (if that). I don't have the patience to filter through a ton of random metrics, and read blurbs that may or may not be true. I've no interest in 'the numbers game'. So to me, OLD is not like 'dating'.

Besides that, as I posted upthread, it's not about OLD. It's about not being anxious. Once that's addressed, hopefully all dating options will be back on the table for ZA. Or not. Up to him. 

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Right. Work on getting rid of the anxiety underpinning all your dating experiences first.

All your hobbies sound like individual activities; it's great if you are very introverted but maybe you could try to get involved in more online stuff too, as well as LS.  Are you a gamer? I hear the gaming community is inclusive and low maintenance, so maybe you could lowkey learn new social skills that way initially? Being an active participant in a group setting with new people who know nothing about you can be a good confidence-booster. Worth considering if you have time.

But mostly, be kind to yourself, be comfortable in your body and be patient with yourself. There is no rush, you're not on a timeline, enjoy the one life you have on this earth to the max - we only get one shot at this, we may as well make it as anxiety-free as possible, right?

Not really much of a gamer, what I can tell you though is that I wear my work face most of the time because for the most part its what I think about most. Hobbies go its mostly cars, some fitness and I like to read about current affairs and politics. I have learnt that the latter two are very bad date conversation topics unless the date happens to work in politics in that case its a very fascinating conversation to have. Sure, I like some series and those sort of things but I wouldn't say I have many social hobbies barring the car club where I really feel quite at home.

Most of the time I am chasing something, being a deal, an advantage or trying to fix some problem. Its an intense life. Could I sit around and talk about random things sure I could.

I have a long and extravagant travel list which I hope to get to one day. In short most of what I do is building something and the challenge which comes from that which is why when I go on a date I am looking for someone I can build with, which is probably the wrong approach.

I wouldn't say there is a lot of "fun" in my life, its a fairly serious thing of high stress and sometimes high stakes. Do I wish it was more fun, sure sometimes I do.

Its great when I can connect well enough to have a free flowing conversation which I can conjure up some of the time, however I think my intense persona does me no favours on dates in fact I know it doesn't because one date last year commented. So in my mind its difficult me to think the happy go lucky type of lady would be interested in me so I tend to avoid pursuing them.

So my question is this, looks aside how do you decide who is sort of compatible and who isn't? 

 

[Emilie Jolie]

2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

So my question is this, looks aside how do you decide who is sort of compatible and who isn't? 

Others may have a different experience but for me, I never felt like I decided. It's a feeling you get. You want to know more about them, you're excited to see them, you want to be in their company, their presence makes you happy, you feel a pull to be as close as possible physically, you want to make them happy, etc. Tou hope it's mutual, you investigate by checking how compatible you are in terms of values and habits and what's important or what you can compromise on. I'm super slow and a patient man to get to know me, but it's not been a problem, I guess because I'm mostly a positive person and I don't get into a RL lightly.

That at least is how things work for me.

[ZA Dater]

Thanks to everyone who has taken time to reply and give guidance it is much appreciated, lots of different views and some hard to read things so today was a sit down and be honest with myself day.

I think what I probably want is not realistic considering the person I am, I guess somewhere in believed being who I am would appeal but it would appear repeated failure at dating is just a side effect of my inability to make connections and friends.

For whatever reason that's just been the case with the exception of a few people. So I guess like most guys I like the idea of that attractive lady but reality is we can't all attain that.

I'll keep looking but maybe with only one eye open. Money is ultimately more important to me, if I can make a fair amount of that at least I can buy the material things which make me happier than any date ever has.

[Foxhall]

On 5/19/2020 at 5:57 PM, Ollie180 said:

Even if you don’t do it like that have you tried just going up to a girl (who doesn’t look in a rush) and just being like ‘hey, I’m ZA, I don’t want to impose on you but I just noticed you from over there and thought I’m going to kick myself if I don’t at least go and say hello.

Yeah, I quite like this approach, its actually similar to how I first spoke to current girlfriend,

then over the years Ive had phases where would not be able to say this even,

its a confidence thing really as people point out, or simply relaxing and giving things a go.

just an initial good conversation starter goes a long way.

 

[miranda561]

On 5/20/2020 at 4:28 PM, Trail Blazer said:

I couldn't disagree with you more.  Many people have good experiences on OLD and many people find committed, long-term relationships out of those good first dates.

Nobody wouldn't ever have some bad experiences, but I've always said that you're just one bad date away from a good one.

You have to go through a lot to find a decent one on old

[Trail Blazer]

6 hours ago, miranda561 said:

You have to go through a lot to find a decent one on old

Sure.  Most people in life aren't compatible with one another.  Since I've been using OLD post-separation/divorce, I've been on fewer than 20 dates, for two relationships - the latter which has been current for seven months.

I don't know what area you are in or what the quality of men are like there.  However, I do know from the women I've been with, that filtering through all the trash is quite a laborious task. 

A lot of women feel overwhelmed and give up.  A lot of good men get frustrated by being overlooked and then hearing later women bemoan that there aren't any good men on dating sites.

Edited May 22, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[40Something]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Thanks to everyone who has taken time to reply and give guidance it is much appreciated, lots of different views and some hard to read things so today was a sit down and be honest with myself day.

I think what I probably want is not realistic considering the person I am, I guess somewhere in believed being who I am would appeal but it would appear repeated failure at dating is just a side effect of my inability to make connections and friends.

For whatever reason that's just been the case with the exception of a few people. So I guess like most guys I like the idea of that attractive lady but reality is we can't all attain that.

I'll keep looking but maybe with only one eye open. Money is ultimately more important to me, if I can make a fair amount of that at least I can buy the material things which make me happier than any date ever has.

ZA, we are all rooting for you. Don't give up. I've had to remind myself to stop looking for "the one". Sometimes all we need is "the right one for now". I've recently started playing tennis again to just get out there amongst like minded people and have fun. Pity lock down happened 2 weeks later but it wont last forever. I think you need some genuine fun in your life, the rest will come.

[QuietRiot]

4 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

A lot of women feel overwhelmed and give up.  A lot of good men get frustrated by being overlooked and then hearing later women bemoan that there aren't any good men on dating sites.

 

Yep...and this is PROVEN every time I log into a dating site and seeing the same faces of said whiny women that have ignored my emails. LOL. Sometimes I'd take a year long break from the site, come back later to see the same online dating spinsters that I've already contacted. 

So I try to contact them again, to no avail. I think some get irritated with the same guys repeat emailing them and eventually block them.  lol

This prove that no man is good  enough, and some of these ladies ain't that much to write home about.

Women that I've dated that I met via real life...funny...they told me the tried online dating, but quickly stepped away from it after seeing the creeps on there. It wasn't their thing.

Edited May 22, 2020 by QuietRiot

[elaine567]

29 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

come back later to see the same online dating spinsters that I've already contacted. 

And they see the same online dating bachelors they have already rejected...

[QuietRiot]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

And they see the same online dating bachelors they have already rejected...

LOL...right, it's an impasse, so the pickings are slim and they ladies may as well start at least trying these guys out. A quick meet n greet for drinks or lunch is all that it'll take.  I think the reason I'm still single is I keep meeting these women (online). 

 

Edited May 22, 2020 by QuietRiot

[elaine567]

But if the boot was on the other foot would you accept lunch dates/drinks from women you had no interest in?
The problem is there is no issue going on the dates but the implication is that there is interest and then she has to bat off "hopeful" guys she was never interested in in the first place.

[miranda561]

6 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Sure.  Most people in life aren't compatible with one another.  Since I've been using OLD post-separation/divorce, I've been on fewer than 20 dates, for two relationships - the latter which has been current for seven months.

I don't know what area you are in or what the quality of men are like there.  However, I do know from the women I've been with, that filtering through all the trash is quite a laborious task. 

A lot of women feel overwhelmed and give up.  A lot of good men get frustrated by being overlooked and then hearing later women bemoan that there aren't any good men on dating sites.

20 dates. 🤔  that is a lot still.

I still think that men have better options and less trash to go through than women surely. 

I.e. its easier for a.man to find a decent woman than it is for a woman to find a decent man.

Which is probably why the people i knew in the past are all either married or have someone..while im still looking. Or ive just got high standards 😂

Edited May 22, 2020 by miranda561

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, QuietRiot said:

 

Yep...and this is PROVEN every time I log into a dating site and seeing the same faces of said whiny women that have ignored my emails. LOL. Sometimes I'd take a year long break from the site, come back later to see the same online dating spinsters that I've already contacted. 

So I try to contact them again, to no avail. I think some get irritated with the same guys repeat emailing them and eventually block them.  lol

This prove that no man is good  enough, and some of these ladies ain't that much to write home about.

Women that I've dated that I met via real life...funny...they told me the tried online dating, but quickly stepped away from it after seeing the creeps on there. It wasn't their thing.

There are a lot of creeps. And men with really weird profiles...and fakes who are blatently lying.

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

But if the boot was on the other foot would you accept lunch dates/drinks from women you had no interest in?
The problem is there is no issue going on the dates but the implication is that there is interest and then she has to bat off "hopeful" guys she was never interested in in the first place.

So true!!!.

Men always complain about women ignoring them and how great they are..but if they have a female who like them that they have no interest in. They will have no trouble ignoring them.

Ive seen it with my male friends and how they treat women 

[QuietRiot]

16 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

So true!!!.

Men always complain about women ignoring them and how great they are..but if they have a female who like them that they have no interest in. They will have no trouble ignoring them.

Ive seen it with my male friends and how they treat women 

I've never had a REAL woman interested in me. Every email I've gotten from a woman...was a bot. POF is littered with fake profiles.

What's even sadder is some of these women I'd contact we had a lot in common, by what I've read in their profiles. Same interests, same beliefs, morals, both of us child-free, same obscure pop culture references. Geeky stuff, etc.

I USED to contact women when I thought I had something in common with them. Now, I just contact even the most vanilla sounding profiles that sound like the rest just to see if I get a response. I can visually picture these ladies casually thumbing through a 100 emails they get a week...and you wind up being like a fart in the wind to them.

 

Edited May 22, 2020 by QuietRiot

[miranda561]

5 minutes ago, QuietRiot said:

I've never had a REAL woman interested in me. Every email I've gotten from a woman...was a bot. POF is littered with fake profiles.

What's even sadder is some of these women I'd contact we had a lot in common, by what I've read in their profiles. Same interests, same beliefs, morals, both of us child-free, same obscure pop culture references. Geeky stuff, etc.

I USED to contact women when I thought I had something in common with them. Now, I just contact even the most vanilla sounding profiles that sound like the rest just to see if I get a response. I can visually picture these ladies casually thumbing through a 100 emails they get a week...and you wind up being like a fart in the wind to them.

 

Forget pof then. Try another site.

Would you say you are attractive? How would you rate yourself.