do you just eventually give up?

[chillii]

They're out there don't doubt that it's just about selecting good people or that special someone if that's what the one looking on is after and l'd say that's actually an advantage imo with OLD. People talk about themselves and their thoughts and right there is where it all shows if you read between the lines.

[40Something]

On 5/22/2020 at 9:19 PM, Emilie Jolie said:

Sorry ZA, it sucks. Console yourself with the fact that she lacked the basic manners to wrap it up in a nice way. You've lost nothing.

Probably best to put clear pics of yourself and stop putting yourself in those 'test' situations; they are bound to affect your self esteem.  

Also sorry to hear this ZA.

Agree with Emilie though. When i still did the online thing it used to annoy me no end when guys posted unclear, vague pics. The profiles would look great,prompting me to ask for clearer pics and in doing so engage someone i might otherwise not have given a second look. In the world of OLD, lets be honest, we are drawn in by pics at first glance.

Put clearly identifying pics up to avoid this type of situation which I can imagine is quite hurtful.

[40Something]

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Thank you for pointing this out.  There is a hugely apathetic culture here which is why  keep saying the better dates have been with tourists. But there are educated people here but even that is no assurance they wont be apathetic.

What I have realised is its near to impossible so my strategy was always to just be this outlier, this different person in the hope that being authentic would count for something but I cannot tell you how poorly this actually works, I have been passed over reason ranging from religion to the most often cited one "you don't drink". On OLD I always seem to find the same kind of people and with respect I think this is a SA problem in part, OLD was and is to some extent seen as taboo here, you wont find many people admitting to being on it. Tinder I reckon is more suited to hook ups than actually dating, which is I guess is awesome if you have a high value.

Me with skinny/athletic looks and average/ugly face isn't going to find much value there, irrespective of what else  I have going on in life. Its very difficult to keep running up against this wall over and over again.

 

I can agree with you that OLD is awful in SA. If you think men have it tough,  being a woman trying OLD is 10x worse. The dating pool is shallow.

I can't comment on your take that the culture is hugely apathetic as we clearly have vastly different experiences due to our racial diversity. Most people i have come in contact with are passionate and enthusiastic.

 Also, i would like to point out that you do not need a university degree to be educated or intellectual. Are you saying that uneducated people are all apathetic? Because if this is how you view people in general, that could be part of your issue with finding dates. Do you not even consider women who don't have degrees and are therefor "uneducated" in your eyes? I'm just asking because that sounds to me as if you are really narrowing down your options.

[elaine567]

11 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

You say you're only 36. Maybe...I don't want to doubt it but your pic looks like a Polaroid, you talk about discos...you talk about dating in pre-internet days...

His friend/acquaintance/hobby group are older, 40-50+.
I guess he is  more 36 going on 46/56, than 36 going on 26, and that is also an issue, as he wants to appeal to younger women.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 frankly hope disappeared after that date last year where ostensibly it should have worked

Hmmm....it sounds like you're applying an equation to dating instead of feeling the vibe. 

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, 40Something said:

Also sorry to hear this ZA.

Agree with Emilie though. When i still did the online thing it used to annoy me no end when guys posted unclear, vague pics. The profiles would look great,prompting me to ask for clearer pics and in doing so engage someone i might otherwise not have given a second look. In the world of OLD, lets be honest, we are drawn in by pics at first glance.

Put clearly identifying pics up to avoid this type of situation which I can imagine is quite hurtful.

Well the clearer pictures don't get me matches liker her so while I lost out I at least had a day of good conversation with someone I found attractive overall.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, 40Something said:

I can agree with you that OLD is awful in SA. If you think men have it tough,  being a woman trying OLD is 10x worse. The dating pool is shallow.

I can't comment on your take that the culture is hugely apathetic as we clearly have vastly different experiences due to our racial diversity. Most people i have come in contact with are passionate and enthusiastic.

 Also, i would like to point out that you do not need a university degree to be educated or intellectual. Are you saying that uneducated people are all apathetic? Because if this is how you view people in general, that could be part of your issue with finding dates. Do you not even consider women who don't have degrees and are therefor "uneducated" in your eyes? I'm just asking because that sounds to me as if you are really narrowing down your options.

I don't come into contact with many passionate and enthusiastic people to be fair, some dates conversation is like squeezing water out of a stone and that's not fun at all. When it comes to degrees, nope they don't mean a lot to me when it comes to who the person is and I don't define people by degrees but I do sometimes look at what drives them forward and their ambition, that for me is more important than what degree they have and its irrelevant if they don't have a degree at all.

I tend to take people on face value mostly, talk to me and well if the conversation is good that's a good thing, problems to do start to arise if one person cannot relate to the other though.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Hmmm....it sounds like you're applying an equation to dating instead of feeling the vibe. 

I am sorry but I don't believe in whatever vibe is, I find the term nauseating in the extreme. What is this anyway? If you like the person then simply ask them on another date, I think its quite clear then that you like them, better still, actually tell them as I have done before on dates "I think this was a really nice date, I enjoyed spending time with you" Guess how many ladies have actually told me that.

I am not a mind/vibe reader.

[5x5]

So @ZA Dater are you really 40-50+ Years old pretending to be younger? Since if that is true, none of your failures should be the slightest surprise.

[Emilie Jolie]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I am sorry but I don't believe in whatever vibe is, I find the term nauseating in the extreme. What is this anyway? If you like the person then simply ask them on another date, I think its quite clear then that you like them, better still, actually tell them as I have done before on dates "I think this was a really nice date, I enjoyed spending time with you" Guess how many ladies have actually told me that.

I am not a mind/vibe reader.

What makes you want to ask a woman on a second date?

[miranda561]

43 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

So @ZA Dater are you really 40-50+ Years old pretending to be younger? Since if that is true, none of your failures should be the slightest surprise.

Why would he pretend  to be 20 years younger to a bunch of strangers. Whats the point

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, 5x5 said:

So @ZA Dater are you really 40-50+ Years old pretending to be younger? Since if that is true, none of your failures should be the slightest surprise.

I am 36.....for what its worth.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

What makes you want to ask a woman on a second date?

She is good company.

[Emilie Jolie]

Just now, ZA Dater said:

She is good company.

That's how you make friends 🥴 You need to see a clinical sexologist, I think. Yeah I know, I said that a few times, but I've had no come back from you on it. FYI, a sexologist is NOT a therapist; it's a trained practitioner who specialises in human sexual behaviour, or lack thereof. Google what they do and give it some thought. What do you have to lose? They've heard  it all already.

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Why would he pretend  to be 20 years younger to a bunch of strangers. Whats the point

It has happened on here before and the reasoning was that the person didn't want to hear that the reason for his lack of success was the age difference. You'll see it once in a while on relationship forums and you'll see it in OLD too, people posing as younger.

Regarding the "vibe": simple. It's attraction. A million people can seem nice. Those are friends. A few will not just seem nice, they'll be attractive to you in a specific way, a way that makes you want to take things further romantically/sexually. That's why people say "vibe," because just because a person is nice doesn't mean you always want to go out romantically with the person.

[miranda561]

3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

It has happened on here before and the reasoning was that the person didn't want to hear that the reason for his lack of success was the age difference. You'll see it once in a while on relationship forums and you'll see it in OLD too, people posing as younger.

Regarding the "vibe": simple. It's attraction. A million people can seem nice. Those are friends. A few will not just seem nice, they'll be attractive to you in a specific way, a way that makes you want to take things further romantically/sexually. That's why people say "vibe," because just because a person is nice doesn't mean you always want to go out romantically with the person.

Yeh but if it could be a reason then why  not justbe honest.

Za dater said hes36 

[CaliforniaGirl]

15 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Yeh but if it could be a reason then why  not justbe honest.

Za dater said hes36 

I know...you asked why...it's probably pretty obvious why someone might lie and say he or she was younger...it's not at all rare...even anomyoulsy the creeper comments usually start...plus more practical comments about people who largely might be looking for the same age group, etc., etc. People aren't straight-up online...I know, shocker.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I am sorry but I don't believe in whatever vibe is, I find the term nauseating in the extreme. What is this anyway? If you like the person then simply ask them on another date, I think its quite clear then that you like them, better still, actually tell them as I have done before on dates "I think this was a really nice date, I enjoyed spending time with you" Guess how many ladies have actually told me that.

I am not a mind/vibe reader.

The vibe could also be called chemistry.  But I guess you also find that term nauseating 😬.  Is feels like an invisible cable drawing the two of you physically closer together...and you're both a bit sexually aroused with it.   Without chemistry, a meeting will, at best, only ever result in a friendship.  If no ladies have said anything about wanting a second date with you, then they didn't feel chemistry with you.  

You say that you're not a mind/vibe reader.  Can you tell if a friend is sad even if they aren't overtly showing emotion?   Can you walk into a room and feel tension even though you may not have heard what was being said?    Likewise, can you walk into a party and feel a buzz in the air?  That's the vibe.  If you feel these things, what term would you use instead?

Edited May 28, 2020 by basil67

[miranda561]

2 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I know...you asked why...it's probably pretty obvious why someone might lie and say he or she was younger...it's not at all rare...even anomyoulsy the creeper comments usually start...plus more practical comments about people who largely might be looking for the same age group, etc., etc. People aren't straight-up online...I know, shocker.

Yeh  maybe on n dating app which is wrong.

But on n advice forum itsjust weird. 

😳 excuse3 my naivety. Maybe ill become less naive as i get older 😂

[5x5]

16 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I am 36.....for what its worth.

 Cool. 

[5x5]

19 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Why would he pretend  to be 20 years younger to a bunch of strangers. Whats the point

Another poster claimed there were inconsistencies with his posts that made them wonder about his age, so I asked him as well.

[Cookiesandough]

Well I’d love to be a fly on the wall on one of your dates... I wonder if you’re as impassive on the dates as you come off in your posts. You’ve already stated that you have 0 sense of humor...which I guess is fine... there’s a lid for every pot.., but what else do you bring to the table on the date? Are you able to show some kind of passion in an interest or be engaging about something of other? It’s clear you have 0 interest in dating, but you seem to also have 0 interest to at least try to pretend to be interest. So not sure what else one would expect.  If you’ve never heard someone say they had a nice time in return.:. It’s something to ponder 

Edited May 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[elaine567]

From what ZA has written over the years his interests are Supercars, politics and history and current events, he has no interest in small talk and trivia.
He doesn't drink or party or go to clubs so I guess he has no interest in drinking stories or tales about wild nights out at a club or how high everyone got at a party one night.

[QuietRiot]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

From what ZA has written over the years his interests are Supercars, politics and history and current events, he has no interest in small talk and trivia.
He doesn't drink or party or go to clubs so I guess he has no interest in drinking stories or tales about wild nights out at a club or how high everyone got at a party one night.

Well, neither do I. Of course, I'm over 40 so I've outgrown that. lol

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

From what ZA has written over the years his interests are Supercars, politics and history and current events, he has no interest in small talk and trivia.
He doesn't drink or party or go to clubs so I guess he has no interest in drinking stories or tales about wild nights out at a club or how high everyone got at a party one night.

I literally was never interested in talking about getting high. 😂 Or doing it, really. I never went to bars. those interests - history, politics, is the Supercars thing like NASCAR? Okay, I'm not into the third one personally but those are all interests women have just like men do. IMO.