Can I get her back or rekindle?

[Kingofbees]

Hi everyone!

New here so looking for some advice. Me and my partner of 10 months have just split up. 

We dated for a month and then she went on holiday for a month, we spoke a lot and I think I spoke to her too much because I was scared to lose her, when she came back we made our relationship official. This is what started my descent into losing myself to her, neglecting my friendships and putting her on a peddle stool, centre of my world basically. Slowly from there we would have little rows about nothing interesting. I never gave her space to miss and wonder about me. I was always available. She told me several times I need to keep in touch with my friends and give her space when she needed it which I ALWAYS SAID I WOULD DO BUT NEVER DID.

Several times she asked for space, sometimes an hour, sometimes a day, and I never got the message and would then always ask her what was wrong.

This led to last week where she ended things with me after a two week break of only small communication (which I ruined by asking her a lot if she was okay). She said she wished it was no contact but yet admitted she should have said that.

We spent about 4 hours together that day. Walked from mine and basically told me that she's convinced it's over. Basically what it led to was that she no longer saw me as a man and didn't respect me anymore, as I put her on a peddle stool, neglected my friends, was always available to her in a way where I had nothing else going in my life. I said I would change but she said that it's too late, even if I could show her. (She said that she thinks I'm saying it to keep her and that I can't/won't be able to prove it).

We then walked back and chatted more at mine, appreciating what we had. She insisted that I reach out a week or two time to see how we are.
We cuddled and then ended up having the most passionate sex we've had. She told me that she loved me as I was so good to her, but she needed to the man I was before her holiday (independent, sociable and not putting her on a peddle stool), not the one after it (needing reassurance, always available to her, neglecting my friends and not being able to give her the normal amount of space that's healthy in a relationship). 

Soon after we said our goodbyes, she told me that she saw a little of the man in me she first dated , but it's too late to change anything as she didn't want to go on any further second guessing herseof. We both believe that our paths will cross again in the future in more than just a catch up coffee type of way.

It's been 8 days since the break up. I feel like I've changed, I've reconnected with my friends (calls and web chats as that's what can be done in these coronavirus times), been more independent in general, and not messaged her once. In the breakup (and the break directly before it), I learnt a lot about myself that I didn't like and already started to make changes - more independent man that speaks with his friends, feeling sexy and confident.

Taking her up on her suggestion at the break up, I would like to reach out to her for that coffee, (would be more like a walk in the park I guess as no coffee shops are open during the coronavirus). Obviously there's a part of me that wants her to see how I am now, that I have already started to change, so she can see what she's missing out on.

Is there a chance that we could rekindle what we had down the line? A fresh relationship rather than return to what we had. She loves em but just couldn't fight for us as she gave me chances to be a man again but I never truly tried until it was too late

Cheers,

Kingofbees

[Marc878]

It’s over let her go. Chasing just pushes them farther away.

Sounds like you did the needy, clingy, pester them to death thing. In 8 days you haven’t changed at all. 

Fix that for your next relationship or get a repeat.

[Kingofbees]

She just messaged me asking how was my evening?

 

I think she's testing me...

 

In the break up she did want to go for coffee and that I should reach out to her as she's stubborn and wouldn't message me.

 

In 8 days I have seen a difference in how I've been connecting with people. I haven't cried much and feel better 

 

She definitely left the door open in the possibility of getting back in touch.

[Marc878]

Breadcrumbs. Just being nice. Trying to let you down easy. Not unusual. A needy, clingy guy will bite immediately and start chasing.

download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover - free pdf 

in these situations if you want to get yourself off the merry go round it’s no contact.

she dumped you for a reason. A lot even if they knew needy, clingy, chasing will result in a permanent ending will continue anyway because for some reason they just can’t stop.

 

 

[Marc878]

Right now you’re grasping at straws. Analyzing everything to death. Wanting to see what you want to see versus what is.

When they tell you it’s over believe it. Stop projecting, I love her so she has to love me too. She just has too!!!!!  Ah, nope that’s not what she said.

Long term you might learn but right now you’ll continue as you have with no change in her magically undumping you.

When women are done. It’s permanent 
 

 

Edited April 20, 2020 by Marc878

[Kingofbees]

Marc878 I understand everything that you said, but just want to say that she did tell me she still love me. She told me she loves me as I make her warm, protected and feel cared for, but that isn't enough as I'm not a man in her eyes.

 

I was her first partner, she is a caring person who isn't a game player, she's always worn her heart on her sleeve to everyone in her life, that why this break up is so much harder than my others.

Never once heard or seen her play a game or lie to anyone and she's never talked about someone badly in the 10 months I've know her where we were spending about 3 days and nights together each week.

 

Like this message she just sent asking about my evening, it isn't a test but she'll be surprised that I won't reply to it within the same night. Letting her stew on it.

 

I'll reply tomorrow something brief. It's not game playing because I actually want to do it rather than do it to try and play a long game of getting her back, but yet again if that helps to get her back one day then sod it.

Like I said, I've noticed some change that reasonable to have seen in just over a week. Obviously it will take time but the fact that she wants to meet me at some point is interesting.

 

In the break up while she was crying I joked how we will meet up in a few weeks time for a catch up, only for that to be the start of a friends with benefits situation which made her laugh and instead of being offended that I'd even suggest that when she wants nothing to me, she actually asked if that was something that would happen.

 

It's strange, for someone who doesn't want me, she doesn't half act like she wants to stay connected. Thankfully she's not a game player ---- just gives me more power now I guess haha

Edited April 20, 2020 by Kingofbees

[Marc878]

Women are attracted to strength. There’s a lot of BS about they want their men to be sensitive, loving, kind and caring. Bud, take a look at who gets all the women. They aren’t looking for girly guys.

I suspect like most it’ll take you awhile to figure it out and in the meantime you’ll be probably dancing around on her string if you don’t cut contact.

Once you tarnish yourself that vision is imprinted on their mind permanently.

Your x is right. Independence in a man is attractive.

you haven’t figured out yet your x is just at want but you don’t and never needed her.

[Marc878]

Also they may still love and dare for you to a certain extent and still dump you.

Make no mistake she’s dumping you to find another if she hasn’t already.

You're probably young and naive but these situations are what make you grow up, mature and learn wisdom if you learn.

[Kingofbees]

Actually I'm 28 and this was my first serious relationship in awhile. Not naive at all as I e never lost myself in a relationship with any other ex before, just this time it has happened.

As I said, this was her first relationship and she's hardly slept with anyone - she's one of those types. Plus coronavirus will stop either of us rebounding by meeting anyone new. No pub, club, cafe or restaurant is open around us for miles and miles and miles. Everyone seems scared to even interact with someone they're not intimate with...

[Marc878]

Then you know the world isn’t going to end. You may want her but she isn’t a need.

at 28 you still have things to learn. Download and read the article. I’m sure like most you’ll get a lot out of it. 
 

goid luck

[gamon]

3 hours ago, Kingofbees said:

 This is what started my descent into losing myself to her, neglecting my friendships and putting her on a peddle stool,

No one likes being placed on a peddle stool.

 

[Interstellar]

You went against the principles that got you the girl which is why she has to get rid of you. Before you met her you were independent, sociable, fun, etc...but you became needy, and you sounded like  a stage 5 clinger. So why did you go against those principles? why did you go against the principles that made you a success to begin with? you thought she’s so in love with you that you can finally let go and relax. It doesn’t work that way. In romantic love, there are conditions it’s never unconditional. Your mother,  buddy, your priest,  and your dog will always love you unconditionally. The qualities that made her fall for you are the ones that will keep her for the long term. Instead of disappearing completely from planet earth you went back and begged and groveled some more. I’m sorry you’re going through pain, but you were too run by your emotions. You’re interest level in her is way too high. You were too needy and clingy. Learn from your mistakes and forget this girl as difficult as that may be.

Edited April 21, 2020 by Interstellar

[TeddyBundy1993]

You pissed this women off by being very clingy.  I really wont suggest pursuing her anymore. Yea possibility to reconcile is there but dont live your life making that as an principle. Extreme of everything is bad be it love too. Its been 8 days only, you reconcile or make a move for it, it wont survive.  

And my man, don't analyze her moves 🙄 she will do what she gonna do. If it fate you'll meet together for now work on yourself and cut contact with this girl I promise it will help in long run.  This friendship game after breakup is horrid for us men. Shes gone for now. Let her go. Learn from your behavior make the change take a break from dating then go back to dating game again 

[wtm78]

op, sorry to hear the separation. there seems to be a lot of underlying issues in the relationship. perhaps taking a break is a solution for you. i am not going to sugar coat it to say that NC is the way to get her back. what i am saying is, take sometime off from you two and rediscover yourself. take a cold hard look at the relationship, what was working and what went wrong. it doesnt matter what she say and the reason that she wants to leave. because in the end of the day, you are you and you are not able to keep up with a facade of pretending you are someone else to keep a woman in your life. 

take time to find your centre. connect back to your inner child.. find out who you are and what make you, you... be a better version of yourself.. and if in the end of the day, she didnt accept you as who you are. then there is no way you can fake it for the rest of your life... 

hope you find yourself soon! 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, gamon said:

No one likes being placed on a peddle stool.

This was driving me nuts too. OP, it's pedestal. 

Unfortunately, the clingy behaviour is an attraction-killer. She might miss the good parts but it's hard to come back from feeling smothered. All you can do is continue to work on yourself and make real changes. She may or may not feel like giving it another shot, but you'll be in a better position for having your own life again anyway. 

[Kingofbees]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was driving me nuts too. OP, it's pedestal. 

Unfortunately, the clingy behaviour is an attraction-killer. She might miss the good parts but it's hard to come back from feeling smothered. All you can do is continue to work on yourself and make real changes. She may or may not feel like giving it another shot, but you'll be in a better position for having your own life again anyway. 

Haha sorry, I've never had to use the word until this relationship, me just being thick I suppose!

1 hour ago, wtm78 said:

op, sorry to hear the separation. there seems to be a lot of underlying issues in the relationship. perhaps taking a break is a solution for you. i am not going to sugar coat it to say that NC is the way to get her back. what i am saying is, take sometime off from you two and rediscover yourself. take a cold hard look at the relationship, what was working and what went wrong. it doesnt matter what she say and the reason that she wants to leave. because in the end of the day, you are you and you are not able to keep up with a facade of pretending you are someone else to keep a woman in your life. 

take time to find your centre. connect back to your inner child.. find out who you are and what make you, you... be a better version of yourself.. and if in the end of the day, she didnt accept you as who you are. then there is no way you can fake it for the rest of your life... 

hope you find yourself soon! 

I know there's no guide or anything that works as every experience is different. 

I've never 'lost myself' in a relationship before so this is new for me. I miss the old me from when we started dating and before her, but I can already see aspects of him returning in me...a while to go though!

In my previous break ups, either me or them being the dumper, I always got the feeling that it was final, but with this one it seems different. I can't put a finger on what it is yet, all I know us that with this breakup I haven't been crying my eyes out, I don't feel doomed.

I also remember her messaging me the same evening 4 odd hours after breakup asking how my coursework deadline went (as I had a small deadline that I needed to finish the same evening). 

I think her reaching out hours after ending it shows she cares still. And now that she's reached out just after a week asking how my evening was (with no contact in between apart from a short reply to her deadline question), seems that maybe me not begging or 'blowing up her phone' trying to get her back has actually thrown a her a tad, as the needy dependant-on-her guy that sealed the relationships fate (which was both our understanding for what caused break up) isn't acting that way towards her anymore, she's no longer on a pedestal.

[schlumpy]

I can see you won't be able to do this by yourself so I suggest you talk to a doctor about taking some meds short-term that will block your obsessive thoughts. You could consider seeing a hypnotist but get a reference. The success of hypnotism as a treatment depends upon the resistance level of the individual to being hypnotized. Just make sure it is a accredited individual.

Meditation or yoga would work but it takes months to train your mind along with your body.

I guess you could just keep on the way you are. I don't think any physical harm will come of it but your current behavior will cause regret in the future when you come to realize the time you wasted.

Whatever you choose to do has to be in concert with no contact which you do not seem to be able to manage. Sometimes we just have to learn the hard way.

[Kingofbees]

She's just text me again asking how I'm doing.... The infamous double text! Dun dun duuun!

Some woman are hard to understand haha

[Yosemite]

How old is she? 

If this is her first relationship, it's not surprising that she's contacting you... she's never broken up with someone before,  so she'll be all over the place. 

I don't think that ignoring her texts will have the effect that you think it will. 

[Kingofbees]

She's 26 and had only a handful of partners but none of them led to a relationship. I'm her first love.

I don't want to ignore her and I don't want to not ignore her. All I know is that inside I don't have any need or guilt that I haven't replied to her anywhere near as quick as I use to. I'm not putting her on a pedestal. My mate told me  "let her guess about why you haven't replied as quick as you normally do, you don't owe it to her to be available whenever she sends a message".

[Marc878]

Breadcrumbs are meaningless. Unless you have something more substantial I’d just ignore. Give her what she wanted. 
 

At your age you should know there is no perfect one, one and only or soulmate. There are many who could fit that bill.

Edited April 21, 2020 by Marc878

[Mrin]

A few things:

Reply back with a "hey there. I'm doing well. How about you?" Then don't keep the text conversation going after her response unless she asks you a finite question. 

You haven't changed yet. You may have started to change but you haven't. It just takes time dude. 

 

[rjc149]

OP, sounds like you know exactly where you went wrong, and why she dumped you. That's a good thing, and you know where you need to improve. 

Right now, she's relieved that she went through with it. Keep in mind, that dumping someone is difficult. Contacting you with "how are you doing" is her way to assuaging her guilt, and to keep you in her orbit as an option. You don't want to be in her orbit. You need to cut her off completely. Don't ignore her, but if she reaches out, respond indifferently. Don't reciprocate with "how are you" back, just say "I'm good, same old" or something to that effect. Then leave it. Do not continue to make yourself available for communication. Taker her off that peddle stool you've kept her on. Make her feel the reality of her decision. You're gone. Be strong and walk away. 

In 8 days you have not changed. She literally just dumped you last week dude. You have not given her time to reflect on the breakup and feel the void of your absence. You need to give it more like 8 MONTHS before any real change can take place, and she can feel your absence and truly wonder about you. This is the only thing that will regrow her attraction for you.

In that time, she's going to have dated other men. You'll have to decide how you feel about that if she comes back to you, and whether you are still interested in her anyways. Personally, when some other dude has his junk inside her right after mine, he can have her. All the best to them. I'll go get a new girl. There's no shortage of them. (Of course you won't feel this way at the time, but try to adopt an abundance mindset). 

And remember -- she was never yours. It was just your turn. 

[Kingofbees]

I didn't see your post RJC149. I replied to her message, a bit of banter mixed with a simple reply. Basically said I'm doing well, (because I am, no tears since break up still, no initiating new convo), that I had to chuck out the bedsheets from our same day post-break-up sex as the stains wouldn't come off which made me laugh (sorry to those with sensitive ears). Then just added how about you?

 

Her reply was that she's been all over the place but keeping herself very busy.

So far from that alone, seems that she's struggling more than I am.

The kind guy I am wants to reply, making sure she's okay (she knows I'd always do that).

The new me (that values myself more than before) doesn't want to be a wet sponge or a box of tissues for her.

I'm sure I know the answer, but I presume the latter is better?

[rjc149]

Good, let her struggle. Leave her alone in silence with her decision. Let her face the full consequences. I think your reply was good, polite indifference, but I wouldn't give her the open line for more communication.

Women comfort themselves in knowing that the guy they dumped is still in her orbit, still interested, while she gradually gets over him and fades and begins dating other men. By continuing to communicate with her, she still has you in her pocket. This paves the road for her journey forward without you. 

If you want a shot with her ever again, you must go no contact, and stay no contact. Ignore her breadcrumbs, respond to substantive questions she asks politely, but curtly and indifferently, and take your merry time responding to anything she sends your way. 24 hours at least.

Women are more sexually attracted to men when they are unsure of where they stand with him. Don't listen to other posters who tell you that's chauvinist crap, how all women really want a man who will drag his balls through a mile of hot coals just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie before he serves them up to her in a pretty glass jar. Case in point: look where treating her like a queen got you. 

No contact brother. Date new women. If she comes back, make sure it's 100% her effort.