Can I get her back or rekindle?

[Kingofbees]

21 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Good, let her struggle. Leave her alone in silence with her decision. Let her face the full consequences. I think your reply was good, polite indifference, but I wouldn't give her the open line for more communication.

Women comfort themselves in knowing that the guy they dumped is still in her orbit, still interested, while she gradually gets over him and fades and begins dating other men. By continuing to communicate with her, she still has you in her pocket. This paves the road for her journey forward without you. 

If you want a shot with her ever again, you must go no contact, and stay no contact. Ignore her breadcrumbs, respond to substantive questions she asks politely, but curtly and indifferently, and take your merry time responding to anything she sends your way. 24 hours at least.

Women are more sexually attracted to men when they are unsure of where they stand with him. Don't listen to other posters who tell you that's chauvinist crap, how all women really want a man who will drag his balls through a mile of hot coals just to hear her fart through a walkie-talkie before he serves them up to her in a pretty glass jar. Case in point: look where treating her like a queen got you. 

No contact brother. Date new women. If she comes back, make sure it's 100% her effort. 

This is all some really sound advice. Sorry if previous posters said the same thing, just this post shouted at me.

I wanted to add that as she was breaking up, she told me that the door of our relationship isn't completely shut, that there's a part of me that wants to be convinced we should give it another go, but I can't deal with the stress of waiting for you change as you have said multiple times before that you would but never did. So I need to leave here knowing I don't have to stress anymore.

Thoughts on that?

 

On another note, I saw a Reddit post saying that theres one of those 'become a better man/get ex back' articles that says you should give her a few days to a week no contact to let her stew, then like call her out the blue and just talk to her in a fun and flirty way and start attracting her again, keeping the convo light, positive and not about the relationship or break up at all (but only if you know what you did wrong and how to improve - which I honestly believe I do).

Quite a few success stories in the comments.

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, Kingofbees said:

I wanted to add that as she was breaking up, she told me that the door of our relationship isn't completely shut, that there's a part of me that wants to be convinced we should give it another go, but I can't deal with the stress of waiting for you change as you have said multiple times before that you would but never did. So I need to leave here knowing I don't have to stress anymore.

Thoughts on that?

Again, let her sit with her decision to cut you off. If she decides she's open to giving your relationship another shot, it must be up to her. You need to give her the time and space to let her attraction regrow, to make her miss you, make her wonder how you could just disappear like that, and make her *want* to reconnect with you. She wanted the breakup, so the most alpha thing to do is give her the breakup and move on to other women. 

 

1 hour ago, Kingofbees said:

On another note, I saw a Reddit post saying that theres one of those 'become a better man/get ex back' articles that says you should give her a few days to a week no contact to let her stew, then like call her out the blue and just talk to her in a fun and flirty way and start attracting her again, keeping the convo light, positive and not about the relationship or break up at all (but only if you know what you did wrong and how to improve - which I honestly believe I do).

Don't do this. When a woman dumps you, you go no contact, and you do not break it. She can break it and reach out, but not you. You give her the breakup and move forward. There's no way she'll think that after a week, you're a changed man, you've improved and grown, and she's wondered about you and missed you. Reaching out a few days after she dumped you, especially if you've done any begging or pleading, and acting fun and flirty is going to come off as disingenuous. 

Let's say that the no contact period will someday end, and you'll be back in touch with her. This must happen many weeks, if not months, or even years later. You need to be able to walk away from a woman in order to be the most attractive to her. Otherwise, you're waiting and hoping and remaining in her orbit, where she can comfortably start fading you out. 

[Kingofbees]

Thank you for your words!

I would like to add for anyone reading this that from the moment we broke up, I haven't said as much as a I miss you, pleaded or otherwise. She reached out to me, and I replied with short answers, with the second time of doing so, I just answered her question of how I'm doing with a "very well" (because so feel like so am), and then asked her the same where she replied with that she's all over the place. I've not replied since and don't think I will.

A question for you. So she has full understanding that only she can offer reconciliation, that I message her once saying something like "I'm focusing on myself. You cannot reach out to me unless you want to offer full reconciliation". I feel that by doing that, she can control her happiness, and that I can focus on myself knowing full well I e done everything I can when it comes to her. What are your thoughts in this?

 

I also don't understand why, for pretty much our final words together, we both come out and agree that this break up feels that it isn't the end for us? And to meet up in a couple of weeks. (For my part anyway, I didn't say this from a pleading needy place, as I accepted the end of the relationship, but from a place that I believed we would, like just a feeling, rather than wishful thinking.

[rjc149]

40 minutes ago, Kingofbees said:

A question for you. So she has full understanding that only she can offer reconciliation, that I message her once saying something like "I'm focusing on myself. You cannot reach out to me unless you want to offer full reconciliation". I feel that by doing that, she can control her happiness, and that I can focus on myself knowing full well I e done everything I can when it comes to her. What are your thoughts in this?

I would not do this. Especially if it's an outbound message, not a response. The loudest message you can give her is silence. Just leave her be, give her the breakup that she wanted, and completely disappear from her life without a peep. "Give her the gift of missing you" or "the best way to get her attention is to remove yours." Cliche no contact quotes, but good ones. 

56 minutes ago, Kingofbees said:

I also don't understand why, for pretty much our final words together, we both come out and agree that this break up feels that it isn't the end for us? And to meet up in a couple of weeks.

Don't let her believe that this isn't the end. Blow off her offer to meet "hey sorry, I've been busy maybe another time" without suggesting a reschedule. Do NOT remain in her orbit. Disappear. If she believes that you'll be around waiting for her in the friend zone, she'll lose respect for you. She'll also have a green light to start dating other guys worry-free, and likely, move on completely once she meets someone who has his sh-t together with women. The way you outclass those guys is by behaving like a strong, non-needy alpha guy. You do that by not contacting her again and dating new women. 

What you want to do, if you want to regrow her attraction and desire to reconnect with you, is to make her feel uncertain about you. Make her worry that you're gone for good. Don't reassure her (or yourself) that this isn't the end. Make her believe that she can lose you forever. Whatever you think will make her worried and anxious about you, make sure you do it. The best way to do that is no contact and meeting new women.  

[Kingofbees]

For the part about turning down an offer if she makes about wanting to meet up, what would I gain in turning that down?

That could be her wanting to reconcile. She's not the type of girl to ever talk about serious stuff over texting, and never liked doing it over the phone.

What I've learned from her from general chat in the past, she's not the type to plead for chances even if she wants another chance, she's never been the best when it comes to her communicating what she wants - HECK, she even told me a couple weeks ago that she sucks at communicating what she feels and instead let's her mind runaway with stuff, and that she understands it must be hard for me to cope with that at times.

I was just speaking to a friend where they broke up, but both parties spoke to each other now and again after the break up. They got together 3 weeks later, and they're 2 years strong now, and must admit they come across much happier than they were when they were previously together.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Kingofbees said:

For the part about turning down an offer if she makes about wanting to meet up, what would I gain in turning that down?

I think you should wait and see how you feel when and if she actually asks to meet.  At the moment, there's no sense stressing over something that may or may not happen. 

Regarding her continued contact, I would be cautious in assuming it means more than her just missing your company. Sometimes even dumpers have a hard time weaning themselves off their exes, simply because they're so used to having them around to talk to. It doesn't always mean they're rethinking their decision to end the romantic relationship. I made this mistake after the end of my first long-term relationship. (Granted, I was much younger and less experienced and mature) I had broken up with my then-boyfriend and genuinely didn't see a future together, for several reasons. However, I did still believe he was a good person and I had naively hoped we could stay friends. I was too self-centered to realize that our continued contact was sending him the wrong message and making him think I wanted to try again. When I pulled my head out of my backside and understood this, I had to cut ties. It was never my intention to lead him on, and never my intention to reconcile. I woke up and realized I had to learn to live without his constant companionship, too. Lesson learned for me. 

It's too soon to say whether your ex is keeping in touch because she misses the relationship or if she just misses your general company. I share my personal experience just to caution you to keep both feet on the ground and not get ahead of yourself in reading more into her messages at this point. 

[rjc149]

2 hours ago, Kingofbees said:

For the part about turning down an offer if she makes about wanting to meet up, what would I gain in turning that down?

That could be her wanting to reconcile.

You gain respect by holding her accountable to her decisions and behavior. You gain her renewed attraction by being a strong man who is able to walk away and move on to other women.

It's almost certainly not her attempt to reconcile. It's her attempt at gaining "closure." Which for females, is the reassurance that you will remain in contact as her friend, in her orbit, stringing you along as an option should she ever decide to come back to you after exploring her other options. This is how she will be able to get over her romantic feelings for you, and move on. 

It sounds like you're still in the mindset of putting her before yourself and making yourself abundantly available to her. You really need to stop doing this, and shake that mindset. Stop making yourself available to her. She dumped you. Kicked you to the curb. The more you get back up and ask for more, the less she respects you, and the more damage you do to your chances with her. You need to show her that dumping you has consequences. 

[Kingofbees]

Sorry I've just seen these last two posts.

I was working from home and was having a 20 minute break and you know what? I had the urge to call her. So I did.

I felt confident, happy, and secure so I dialed her number and she answered.

She was surprised that I've not initiated a text once, which led her to be surprised that I called her as she believed I was in the process of pushing her out of my life, which the thought of saddened her.

She asked how I was doing and was surprised but sad when I said that I've been handling things really well, feeling good and doing my own thing and focusing on myself and my happiness. She then told me that she's been thinking of me everyday and has been missing me a lot.

I had some banter with her telling her that of course she misses me as I'm a catch which made her laugh.

I'm thinking of returning to my uncles next week up north due to Covid-19 (neither of us or anyone we know has it so don't worry). So I mentioned this and that we should see each other again before I go and have some fun as she may not see me for again simply as I may not be back for at least a month/months. (She said she thought by fun I meant sex, which isn't what I meant). I never told her why but that we should meet up, talk and have a laugh. Her reply was that she wasn't sure if she's ready, that she needs a couple of weeks before being able to talk but she'd let me know before next week. I told her to do what feels right. I wished her well then said goodbye.

On that call, I sounded confident, attractive and a leader, and that's because I felt it on the call, feel it now still.

I went in thinking she wouldn't answer so I was surprised that answered, and very surprised by some of the things she said above. While laughing at my joke and sounding positive at the start, I could hear the sadness in her as she continued to talk.

I feel I've done what I can. Going up to my uncles will be great space for me and my development so it's a win win if she wants to see me before or not.

I told some friends, they think that if she wasn't having doubts before the call, by the way she said things during it, she could start to have some. - PLEASE note this isn't my intention at all, and I didn't even think I sowed the seeds of doubt until my friends said that could be something that's now happening.

One very surprised man right now.

Edited April 22, 2020 by Kingofbees

[Kingofbees]

Latest update. She didn't call me back but just messaged me asking how my latest deadline went as I briefly mentioned it on the phone to her earlier when I called.

That's not the first time she's messaged to ask something about me. She seems happy to talk, I don't think it's a case that she's having her cake and eating it to. Just as she admitted herself that she'd push me away if she ever felt like using me as a tissue box or a teddy bear. It's great to see she does care a lot still.

I'll leave her message. If she wants me back, she has to work harder for it, as I'm working hard on myself anyway.

But for general conversation, do ex's considering/wanting reconciliation even say stuff like "HEY I WANT YOU BACK I STILL LOVE YOU LET'S GIVE THIS ANOTHER TRY"? For a lot of people I know, my ex as well, this is too strong of a statement to say, not to mention putting them in a vulnerable position and potentially ego shattering if rejected. Our

I see a lot of people on sites like these (not everyone) give advice that they need to wait until the ex comes out and say stuff like that out of the blue, but you wouldn't ask someone to be your bf/gf without warning them up first and making sure you guys are at a good stage.

Edited April 22, 2020 by Kingofbees

[Kingofbees]

I created another thread but things have happened since and want to start afresh.

I'll try and keep this as short as possible. Please note that I understand what I did wrong and who I became. I'm already working in becoming the guy I was before/during my time with her. She is a genuine woman, never was nasty to me, cared a lot for me and did loads of things for me.

My partner left me (both in mid 20s) three days ago after a 10 month relationship. We met on a dating app and things were going really well, by the fifth date we had already been physical and all that, we had so much chemistry! She then went on holiday for a month but asked to be exclusive before she left which I was happy to.

She she was on holiday having fun, all I could do was enjoy myself here, I thought about her a lot and fear started to creep in that I wouldn't see her when she got back. Several times on her holiday she reassured me it's fine. I list my job just before she got back, yet again she reassured me it was fine. She got back and we became official.

As the months went on, we were happy. Spending time together, chemistry was still flying high. A few down evenings where I became upset due to lack of job. She would support me but could see she didn't like the fact that she couldn't cheer me completely up. 

I landed myself a job in October and things were better. During my lack of job, I neglected my friends to a certain degree and put more time in spending it with her. She noticed this and said I need to reach out more, have a life that isn't just her.

We went back to my parents where she met them in November, and mentioned how happy she was to be able to actually experience and see me in my life outside of her. A week later we went to her parents spare flat by the coast. Things were nice but we had a disagreement about something I don't even remember, what made it worse was that she went to the other room saying she needed space, but I followed her asking what was wrong, trying to cheer her up which led to an argument.

Months went on and things stayed the same, I didn't sure I had a life outside of her. We went in a double date with one of my friends, and also went to bar with another group of mine but they're the only times she experienced my life outside of her.

We had booked a holiday for August, and in February went on our first holiday abroad for just under a week. This February holiday was during the time the UK had the bad storms. We had our flight there cancelled so I stayed at hers as she was disappointed, only to get a call in the morning saying there's another one that we can catch in a couple of hours. We packed and rushed straight there. She mentioned how she loved and found attractive how calm and collected I was while she was panicking during our rush to the airport.

While there, we had two pathetic arguments:

1. About a set of gloves that's so stupid that I don't even want to go into

2. About watching something together that's so stupid I won't go into

We also had lots of laughs and fun in the holiday and then we came back.

Things were going well until the coronavirus hit. Mid March I lost my job due to the company protecting themselves over fear of losing money during the virus (stupid private sector - this was before the scheme was in place to help pay staff).

I straight away went into job hunting as some companies were offering work-from-home roles. I landed an interview same week, and the following Monday I was offered the job, on to be told that they've been told to freeze recruitment.

Late March me and her decided to lockdown at hers otherwise we may not get to see each other for a while. Our time together was full of highs and lows. Won't explain the highs as it's fun relationship stuff, but the lows were me not allowing her as much space as she needed (I now know this is wrong), which led to me asking for reassurance, and the fact she didn't like the fact that she was working from home while I didn't (I can't help not having a job, not like this was new when we agreed to bunker down together).

A week in and she tells me that she's thinking of ending it (this comes off the back of a pathetic argument about a TV show we watched, we both had different views of it and it escalated). We talk and she ends up crying next to me in bed telling me that she doesn't think she can end it. We sleep on it and in the morning we talk and she decides she doesn't want to. That day is full of love, laughter, dancing and signing to music and silly stuff. She decides that it's still best if we have some physical space as her house is quite small.

I go back to my parents, she goes back to hers. We spoke everyday, at least a call/video call and texts. Somedays we are laughing, flirting and even sexting, other says we are arguing about small things. A week later she decides to go back to hers for space away from her parents. In general there are less arguments now, sexting still, telling each other we miss the other and love each other, laughter. We still had disagreements which were about needing space for a couple's hours. On the following weekend she kept sending me naughty pictures and dressed up in lingerie on video call for me, told me she missed me.

That Sunday morning we both agree that we should meet up on Monday in person as we've not seen each other for a few weeks, but I sensed something was up straight away and asked her, where we had a hour phone call basically about how she struggles to communicate what she wants, and that she wished she asked for no contact for the two weeks apart. 

Monday morning we text general stuff, where she called me lovely and babe. We met up later that day in person where we go for a walk. She tells me she wants to break up, with the main reason being that she lost respect for me.

She struggled to explain why to begin with but then told me it was because of my situation:

1. No job

2. Let slip of my life outside of her

3. I asked for reassurance at times

4. I didn't always give her the space she asked for (I didn't mean to),

She told me that she had given up waiting and giving me chances to change points 2, 3 and 4.

We came back to mine (her suggestion) to talk more.

She told me that "the door of our relationship isn't fully shut. There's a part of me that wants you to convince me to give us another shot." She then said she shouldn't have said that very quickly after. 

She followed this up by saying "but I need to leave here knowing I made a decision, and that I need you to accept that this is happening. I can't wait any longer with the uncertainty if you will me the man you once we're, the man you said you wanted to be again. I need to be with a man and look up to him, not someone that I've had to mother and look down to". 

I stood my ground but I could see it wasn't going to do anything. We cuddled and cried a little. I started making a joke how she would never find a guy that was as good as me in bed. She laughed but agreed that she doesn't think she will. Cuddling then led to sex. This sex was the most passionate we had for a good while. She cried part way through it as she felt so close to me.

After that we cuddled a little then said a goodbye and hugged it out. We both said we should catch up in a couple of weeks, and then we said goodbye and she left saying she respected the fact that I accepted the break up.

For the next three days (as well as couple of hours after break up), she sent me a message everyday (Monday evening - hours after break up. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday - today) asking how I was, how my course was going (I started an online course during lockdown) and my how my phone job interview went (I had one on Wednesday).

Each day I replied once with short answers. Never asked question apart from once where I asked how she was doing in reply to her question to me. She told me that she's was all over the place.

Wednesday evening I called her, feeling very confident and positive. She was straight away thrown off when I told her that I'm feeling fine, already focusing on myself and what I need and doing my own thing (she questioned this last part, asking if it meant I was talking to another woman already). She also told me she was surprised that I hadn't blown up her phone, and that was even more surprised that I called as she thought my delayed replies, and lack of asking how she was, was me trying to push her out my life. (She knows I've done this with all my previous exs after a breakup, never mind who ended it, and she told me she'd never want me to do it.). She told me she misses me and loves me and just trying to distract herself. I told her we should meet up one last time as I may not be back for a while (as I'm going back to my parents), she said she wasn't sure, but maybe in 2 or 3 weeks time.

Today a couple of hours ago after some thinking and talking with a few close peoples, I sent a message saying that:

1. this texting is confusing for both of us. 

2. I believed we could have worked on things if we could communicate better, and that I truly believed we were meant to be.

3. Then said how I cherish our memories and that we also have things we need to improve on ourselves but one day we might meet again.

She read it instantly and spent forever online (unlike her) before replying to me with a message that didn't come across like one of hers and was very cold (very different to her other messages since break up - which have been warm and friendly).

Her reply included:

1. She agreed with me that the texting didn't help.

2. She feels secure that she made the right decision as she doesn't see a future with me

3. We had great times but doesn't mean we were right for each other.

She didn't even say goodbye. The message was written in a way that sounded like nothing she would say or sent to me before, it was even in one big paragraph with full stops, compared to sending each thing separately (which she has done EVER SINCE I MET HER).

Sorry for the long read!

Why would she say "the door of our relationship isn't fully shut. There's a part of me that wants you to convince me to give us another shot" and then a minute later tell me she's confident in her decision?

Why would she also say that "I need to leave here knowing I made a decision, and that I need you to accept that this is happening", it sounds she hadn't convinced herself it was over.

From that final message, was that even from her as it comes across someone wrote it down for her, or she wrote it in anger. Should I reply to it? There's no goodbye from either of our last messages.

It comes across that she had to leave mine knowing she ended it, no matter how the break up went.

I was her first relationship, her first love.

[Kingofbees]

Wanted to add: 

Everyone said it, including her that we're good together.

I've experienced my own breakups enough to know how to handle the recovery process, but the things she's said and acted are weird for her, believe me I know, she even said I know her better than she knows herself. She doesn't sound convinced, even in "her" last message to me, so why should I be convinced?

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Kingofbees said:

I've experienced my own breakups enough to know how to handle the recovery process, but the things she's said and acted are weird for her, believe me I know, she even said I know her better than she knows herself. 

I know it's nice to hear that, but I don't think it's true nor that she really believes it. It's one of those platitudes a lot of dumpers throw out there to make the dumpee feel better. In just 10 months, there is no way you know her better than she knows herself. 

She sounds like she's done with this, and doesn't know how to be more firm with you without coming across as unkind. She sees that you're getting desperate to hang on and she's not quite how to be direct without totally crushing your heart. Otherwise, she sounds pretty convinced to me. You're also reading too much into this being sent as one long paragraph; that means nothing other than she didn't feel like breaking it up into shorter messages. 

Sorry man, I know you want to see hope here. I believe she's truly ready to let go. You need to start believing and stop tying to get her to change her mind. It's the exact sort of clingy behaviour that turned her off in the first place. Time to stop contacting her. 

[Kingofbees]

The advice on here has been what I've needed to hear compared to my friends and family, as everyone on this forum is brutally honest which is what I need.

It's the morning after and I feel better than yesterday. There's some things which I still don't understand in the break up and wish I knew why she said them.

She gave several reasons why we weren't compatible due to how I apparently replied or acted when people in her circle would ask me about my job. I remember those times as clear as day and I didn't act or reply in the way she said I did. I told her this, she went quiet and got embarrassed, then said that she was mistaken and wasn't sure why she'd say that.

I know that the above and the other questions I have are all dust from the bomb of the breakup going off, but I still want to understand. I would love an opinion from someone here, not so I get my hopes up, but to get that closure.

I want that closure for some of the weird things she said in the breakup then I can move on. If that means the closure comes from opinions coming from here then so be it, as I'm not reaching out to her for them.

I'll be honest in saying her actions from the break up and up till now are different than her words to me, especially during 'the talk'. I've been raised on it, and there's a reason the phrase 'actions speak louder than words' is so universally known. All I know is that if I didn't pull the NC message then she never would have, and that me pulling it is killing her.

She's always struggled with swallowing her pride, her words herself and her actions in the past have proved that's a big issue for her, it consumes her. She said her brother is the same, just can't admit they're wrong. There were a few rows in our relationship where she couldn't admit she was wrong, when we both knew she was.

It doesn't matter if she wants to reconcile in the future, want me as a friend or just ask how I'm doing, the fact I mentioned NC means she'll never be able to message me. Her pride is her biggest obstacle, this may sound mean, but I find no pleasure in saying it.

I hope for her she can work on that as relationships are all about knowing when you're wrong and being able to swallow your pride.

I think I'm finally realising some of the issues that we had.

[ExpatInItaly]

My overall read on this relationship and the ensuing break-up is that you are very uncomfortable with grey area. You seem to want reassurance and explanation for everything, whether it was reassurance from her while you were dating or explanation of everything she's said and done since the break-up. 

Life will teach us that we don't always get answers that make sense to us. We don't always know exactly why someone does this or says that. We can't always make sense of others' words and behaviour, simply because we're all unique and process information and emotions differently. What might seem clear to her could be very unclear to you, and vice versa. I am getting the impression she doesn't know how else to explain to you that she just doesn't see you two as a match anymore. You need to ask yourself why you keep digging for further meaning. What will it change for you? I mean that as a sincere question. What happens if you never fully understand it? Is it a matter of not understanding, or not accepting? Just some things to think about. 

Nobody here can really tell you in uncertain terms what she's thinking. Our opinions are not going to give you closure. Closure will come when you accept that for whatever number of reasons, this wasn't working for her anymore and she opted out. You won't move on until you get comfortable with the idea that you might not get concrete answers to all your questions and doubts and niggling worries.