Long distance fighting during Lockdown

[lockdownwoe]

Hi people,

Im just in the midst of a big fight with my long distance partner (opposite sides of the country), and would like an unbiased viewpoint.

It started yesterday when he snapped at me on the phone. Hes been down and struggling with this lockdown, and Ive been feeling like Im walking on egg shells with his moods. I said that he didnt need to snap at me. Which prompted him to tell me that I must be in a mood. That im being a delicate petal and that i need to harden up and stop being such a sook. He asked me if i was going out of my way to start a fight so that i didnt have to keep talking to him....

I said that im not in any mood. That im not being sensitive. Why would i start an argument in order not to talk to him, when we had hardly spoken all day. That there was no reason to snap at me.

He continued getting angrier and more riled up, to a point where nothing i could say would stop the argument, and i didnt want to keep talking with him, so i told him that i was going to go, and that id speak to him later.

So i waited a couple of hours, without hearing anything from him. So i messaged him, hoping hed cooled down, about how i was feeling. That i have a right to stand up for how i feel. That i understand he has a lot on his mind and on his plate, but its not an excuse to didmiss and trivialize how i felt.

He didnt reply until the next morning, telling me that if i knew he was struggling, then i should be more supportive and have a tougher skin. That he deserves somone who wont disappear and who wont be a delicate petal when times are tough.

Hes blamed me for spiralling and over-reacting. That hes calling me out on my bulls***. That he didnt snap or get angry. That hes not in the mood for my drama. To not message or talk to him until i pull my head in and stop being a sook and so self centred.

Add to that this lockdown business... he says that i have no idea how to support someone. That i say that I miss him, but I havent looked at ways to fly out to be there and support him in person. Whereas he has been looking at ways to visit me.

The country is in lockdown! States have closed their borders. I cant even cross into a different region unless im exempt. Travel can be approved for compassionate grounds, but i dont see them approving it.

I visited him last month, stayed for longer than i should have, and had to quarantine when i got home. He's upset with me because I left, hes upset with me because i wont come back now. And the consistent comments of "if i was there..." is not helping.

Im trying to make the most of what we can do and be as supportive as i can. By skyping and speaking on the phone as much as possible. But he doesnt acknowledge nor appretiate it, because im not making an effort to be there now.

I just cant bring myself to reach out to talk to him right now. I am feeling like an emotional punching bag. Being stressed is not an excuse for how he is reacting and for being so damn condescending. But he just refuses to see where I'm coming from. Just telling me I'm this and I'm that.

I know ive rambled a bit, so thank you for staying and reading my rant.

[d0nnivain]

The minute he snapped at you was your cue to power down.  It's a very stressful time for everyone right now. Instead of comforting him while he was upset you needled him & made it about you  The better option would have been to let him vent & have it all roll right off your back because initially it wasn't about you.  Instead you made it about you & then escalated the whole thing. He needed empathy. Instead you gave him attitude.  It was your time to be grateful that he could unburden himself to you, even if he was doing it poorly.  Had you listened to him & not poked the bear, you probably could have talked him off the ledge. 

All of that said, he's being petulant about visiting.  Until the quarantine is lifted that is off the table. 

If you want to fix this, apologize.  If you want to be right & indignant, kiss your relationship good bye.

[lockdownwoe]

Thank you d0nnivain. I do see your point, but its a very stressful time for everyone, including myself.

He has been upset since the day I left. So ive been trying my hardest to make him as happy as possible, from a distance. The jabs, the silent treatments, and the snapping, its wearing me down.

I was topping up the oil in his car for the first time. he normally does it. He told me to only put a litre in. So i asked, how can i tell whats a litre? He said that he didnt know, but to only do 500ml at a time. I asked how can i tell whats 500ml if i cant tell whats a litre? Are these lines representing a litre? His response was "ive already told you that i dont know. I cant see it, so why ask? If you were here you wouldnt have to worry about it". (He left his old car here, so that I could use it while lowering the kms of mine, and so that he didnt need to get rid of it).

 

 

[elaine567]

36 minutes ago, lockdownwoe said:

So ive been trying my hardest to make him as happy as possible, from a distance.

Which is not what he is doing, is it?
All very well to pander to him and make him feel better but what about you?
Seems you are doing all of the running here, whilst he is taking out all his frustrations on you.

Don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for you. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Not gonna lie, all this pandemic s*** is scary, but its a really great time to be single

[d0nnivain]

On 4/21/2020 at 12:25 PM, lockdownwoe said:

He has been upset since the day I left. So ive been trying my hardest to make him as happy as possible, from a distance. The jabs, the silent treatments, and the snapping, its wearing me down.

Understood.  He's being rotten but when he's "in a mood" he won't hear you when you try to express your concerns.  It's also not your job to make him happy. 

My husband was a bit short with me when this first started.  He had work to do & we never really tried to work simultaneously before.  He also had more work to do & I was under foot.  He was grouchy & I was walking on egg shells.  I bit my tongue repeatedly & grew increasingly resentful.  We moved  him back to the home office & I stayed upstairs more during the day & tempers eased.  When that happened I brought up my concerns& annoyances about how he didn't say thank you for all I was doing -- cleaning, making meals, being the one braving the stores -- & that he was snapping at me.  Because he was calmer, having solved his work issues, he was able to hear me & now says please & thank you more.  I also think my husband genuinely means it now when he expresses appreciation. 

That is no reason for your BF to be petulant about this stuff.  You are stressed too & that doesn't mean you have to be his emotional punching bag.  However I would caution you to time to your battles better.  When he gets like this, clam up.  Just let him carry on.  then later when he's calmer address his bad behavior.  

[kendahke]

On 4/21/2020 at 9:01 AM, lockdownwoe said:

He didnt reply until the next morning, telling me that if i knew he was struggling, then i should be more supportive and have a tougher skin

Him struggling with whatever does not mean that he's entitled to take your head off and then say you need to grow thicker skin. That's not how this works.

No, he needs to apologize for $#!++ing on you then telling you to take it and he needs to get his funky little attitude under control.

That would be the last time I'd have that conversation with him. The next time does it would be the last time I dealt with him.

You not putting in place boundaries in the moment means, to him, that you're here to take his abuse and to be happy to take his abuse. Again, taking abuse off someone is not support in any realm or universe anywhere.

On 4/21/2020 at 9:01 AM, lockdownwoe said:

That i say that I miss him, but I havent looked at ways to fly out to be there and support him in person.

does he understand what being on lockdown means? No one is flying anywhere--and being supportive doesn't mean you putting your health at risk because he won't pull up his big boy pants.  He needs to grow up or get out of adult relationships.

[lockdownwoe]

Thank you for your replies. It is good to get different perspectives. Yes, I should have done things differently, we both should have. As it is now, he hasn't spoken to me since. I messaged once to say that I hope everyone is ok. No reply, but not that I was expecting one. I guess he's waiting for me to apologize for everything.

It's his birthday in a couple of weeks, not sure what I'm going to do about that.

[ShyViolet]

Is there a specific reason why the lockdown has got him so stressed?  Is he an essential worker or something?  This pandemic is difficult and stressful for everyone.  He's not the only one going through it.  But it's not an excuse for him to be a jerk.  It sounds like he's annoyed by everything you say and do.  Maybe you should take a break from talking to him for a while.

And it was really crazy of him to be upset at you for not flying out to visit him during the pandemic.  You can't fly out to visit him.  You shouldn't be flying unless it's for something absolutely essential.  That would be putting your health at risk and it would be just foolish.  If he doesn't understand that, well then he needs to educate himself a little more.

[justwhoiam]

On 4/21/2020 at 3:01 PM, lockdownwoe said:

I just cant bring myself to reach out to talk to him right now.

Advice for a long-term relationship: how about you call him when you know he's home alone/not busy and tell him sweetly "I miss you. I want you. Do you feel the same way too?" If he responds well, then you both need some sexual relief together. Some intimacy over the phone. Drop the stress and hard topics. You both need some time for the loving.

If you feel your problems are deeper than just temporary stress from this lockdown, then break up with him.

[lockdownwoe]

Thank you for your replies.

We have been talking, but it really is having its ups and downs.

The jabs at me coming to visit him are ongoing. At this point I'm not feeding into them, just ignoring them.

He's still upset with me for not being there. That I am allowed to leave my state, but the restrictions make it hard for me to get home. Not to mention the forced quarantine. Which is something that I can't do a second time, as I will lose my job. It took me over 12 months to find this job job, and with times at the moment, I'm damn lucky to have it! But he feels that I'm making my job more of a priority to him. And that he's just not a priority to me at all.

It's very strained at the moment. I'm trying to skype more, talk on the phone more, to try to be more supportive. But for the last two days he's basically giving me the silent treatment. One word replies, and otherwise sits in silence doing his own thing. No good morning messages, no communication unless I instigate it, there's no affection whatsoever from him. But if I say something, he'll start up again about me not being there for him. It's quite emotionally draining, and thus I am far from in the mood for sexual relief. If anything, it makes me just want to stop the 'communication' and just spend time by myself.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe all of this is teaching you that you don't have a future with him.   Being long distance, was there a plan to close the gap?  It doesn't sound like it especially since you are rightly focused on a job it took you a while to get.  Plus in all of this there has never been talk of him coming to you.  He sounds like he's getting more selfish as this continues.  My initial advice of you powering down was predicated on him snapping as being a one time out of character thing, not his method of coping.  If he can't be civil & mature -- your ability to earn a living is important -- he may be unsuitable.  

[lockdownwoe]

Neither one of us are ready to move. So we had committed to the long distance for now, before this Covid Lock down.

Everything came to a head this morning. He's still pressuring me to be there. He's upset with me for choosing to leave to come home originally, he's upset with me for not going to be with him throughout the lockdown. For not supporting him when he's feeling psychologically and emotionally destroyed.

He's upset with me because I'm putting my job, my family, my pets, my home, before him. That I won't leave everything behind and be with him in his time of need. He's upset with my family for originally pressuring me to come home to begin with, instead of finding ways to help me stay with him.

I'm feeling emotionally battered and bullied. My feelings are irrelevant to him right now, and I am emotionally drained.

I cannot give him the support that he needs, and he cannot give me the support that I need. We are so disjointed right now.

I'm sorry if I'm being erratic

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

You are not being erratic.  You are simply realizing that this relationship has big cracks in the foundation 

[NeverDoneLearning]

I apologize if I've missed something here..

What is the reason he gives for not dropping his entire life and coming to be with and support YOU? All the same things he's seemingly demanding for himself.

It appears entirely one-sided from what I've been reading. Again, unless I'm totally missing something it sounds like you're dealing with a complete narcissist..?

[elaine567]

On 5/19/2020 at 5:29 PM, lockdownwoe said:

I'm putting my job, my family, my pets, my home, before him.

Keep doing so, is my advice.
This guy will never make you happy...
Me, me and more me... is all he can think about.
Cut ties and don't look back.
 

[Fox Sake]

Am I the only person here who thinks he sounds slightly controlling, and psychologically manipulative? Obviously it takes 2 to tango , but the way I read all of this is that you both want the other to apologise and be sorry. Seems like a bit of stalemate.  

It doesn’t sound like either of you are going to win, unless you give each other the mutual respect and understanding you both need. You’re both in the wrong as far as I can tell to a certain extent , and it sounds like a battle of power struggles.  You both want the other to crawl back and apologise and take the blame. For every action you both have, there is a reaction and it’s always fire. 
 

I was with a girl once that made me feel exactly the same way you’re describing you’re feeling. I felt so weak by the end of it, and a shadow of my current self. Like I was always the one having to apologise and sort s*** out, everything was my fault , whether it was my fault or not. It was toxic. You end up feeling like a doormat and definitely tread on eggshells. 
 

 

Edited June 1, 2020 by Fox Sake

[basil67]

I’m with Fox Sake on this. He sounds controlling and abusive. COVID is not an excuse for his behaviour.   
The breakup line “you need someone who can better meet your needs” comes to mind.   Get yourself out of his life.  
 

[lockdownwoe]

I too feel that he is quite controlling at times, and I've addressed this with him. He just gets upset, because in his mind, it's how he cares. That he's not here, and can't protect me, so it helps him to know where I'm going and when. That he feels involved and included, etc etc. 

Basically, any time I bring something up, it turns into a fight. That I'm just being hormonal, I'm being sensitive, it's my anxiety, I'm wrong... It's to the point where I just bite my tongue. It's really not healthy.

He originially told me that he was going to move to my state, so that we can start a life together. Which I didn't really see happening, because he has a young daughter. So when push came to shove, he couldn't do it. Which is fair enough, she needs him in her life. Hence we settled on the long distance. 

This Covid Lockdown has really highlighted that that situation is not going to work.

I'm pretty much done at this point, and said so last night. I can't stay in this relationship. It's unhealthy, I'm unhappy.

I'm tired of being called selfish, tired of being told that I've destroyed his dreams, that he's done so much for me and I won't do anything for him. I'm tired of the constant pressure and the blaming.