Considering divorce

[Londoner81]

2 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Bud, women for the most part don’t just forget an anniversary.

Meaning?

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, Londoner81 said:

Meaning?

She knew it was your anniversary and chose to ignore it. Under the circumstances I’d go online and check my phone bill. 

[healing light]

10 hours ago, Londoner81 said:

knowing my wife like I do, she will get defensive, turn it around on me and it could turn in to one hell of an argument

This is called DARVO (deny attack, reverse victim and offender). I have commented on it in other posts because I think it's important for people to be aware of the dynamics so they can identify it at the time. It's usually used to evade taking responsibility or to gaslight the party coming to the table with legitimate concerns so that things never get resolved properly.

I haven't read through the rest of your thread yet, just wanted to mention that this doesn't bode well for your future communication, especially if she has any type of disordered personality.

Personally, your relationship sounds drier than stale bread. Maybe I would feel differently if it sounded like you like who your wife is as a person, but it sounds like all your attraction towards her is gone. Like a functional arrangement rather than one that brings you joy. I don't think your heart is in it anymore, but I agree with the others that I wouldn't check out of it until after quarantine. 

[Londoner81]

7 hours ago, Marc878 said:

She knew it was your anniversary and chose to ignore it. Under the circumstances I’d go online and check my phone bill. 

Ah right. Thanks Marc. Not sure whether she choose to ignore it. A lot of shops are closed apart from supermarkets and pharmacies, but even then would have thought she’d get me a card.

How do you mean check my phone bill? We only have our mobile phones, with separate accounts

[Londoner81]

7 hours ago, healing light said:

This is called DARVO (deny attack, reverse victim and offender). I have commented on it in other posts because I think it's important for people to be aware of the dynamics so they can identify it at the time. It's usually used to evade taking responsibility or to gaslight the party coming to the table with legitimate concerns so that things never get resolved properly.

I haven't read through the rest of your thread yet, just wanted to mention that this doesn't bode well for your future communication, especially if she has any type of disordered personality.

Personally, your relationship sounds drier than stale bread. Maybe I would feel differently if it sounded like you like who your wife is as a person, but it sounds like all your attraction towards her is gone. Like a functional arrangement rather than one that brings you joy. I don't think your heart is in it anymore, but I agree with the others that I wouldn't check out of it until after quarantine. 

Thanks. I like the analogy with the bread, made me laugh. Couldn’t be more true. We do have very much a functional arrangement. Like we are now two people living together who have kids, as opposed to there being much, if any, emotional or physical interaction.

[Londoner81]

12 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

1) I understand.  You are mentally done.  The sad part is... and this is the same thing I told my exW... you waited too long.  If you would have had the talk 2 years ago... things could be different now.  But you held it bottled up (for the most part) and you gave up.  Now its at a boiling point, and it's too late.  Oh... as an FYI... you just answered your own question about staying... so just be done.  The longer you take, the more hurt there will be to everyone.

2) Don't let the kids dictate this. The kids are smart, and even if you are extremely carful... the lack of affection will leak out, and the kids will have the feeling that things are wrong.  Don't let this linger, while thinking it will be good for them to live in a house that has "Both Mom and Dad"  Because the reality is... they will learn how to hate, and bottle up emotions.  Make the cut clean, and the kids will adapt. Trust me on this one. Right now... I'm sitting here, in a nice calm house, and my oldest is in her room playing games on-line... and my youngest has her cold feet on my leg, and laughing at videos.  They feel the love regardless if mom is here anymore.  Since you want out... figure out how to make that happen, including custody... and present it to your stbxW.

Hi,

Many thanks for your advice and thoughts on my situation. Some follow up questions / points, if I may:

1. I agree. I know it sounds like an excuse, but a lot has happened in the last 2/3 years. We relocated internationally, moved in to a new place, which we rented, then we bought a house a year later. Life has always been busy with work and kids etc. Yes, sounds like an excuse. 

How do you mean I answered my own question about staying?

 

2. I have read up about this and the view that staying in a disfunctional / broken marriage is worse for the kids than the effects of parents splitting up. I don’t think my youngest would really understand, given she is still quite young (3 yrs old), but I am worried about the eldest (6yrs old). I know I would miss them so much and that it would break my heart to not be able to see them first thing in the morning or put them to bed every day. 

As I said to someone else, if we didn’t have kids, the marriage would have been over by now.

[Londoner81]

13 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes, I agree that we need to talk things through but knowing my wife like I do, she will get defensive, turn it around on me and it could turn in to one hell of an argument.

What jumps out at me from this statement and from your posts here is that you're afraid of a confrontation, afraid of standing up for yourself. That house comment she made--dude that was time to go to war.  I don't mean inflicting physical harm her. I mean, you raise holy hell and stand up for yourself. Doesn't matter if she screams, yells, cries, curses or threatens to jump into the river. You raise holy hell until she backs down with a strong, contrite, pleading apology. Absent that, the relationship is almost permanently damaged-- like a house that just had a huge hole punched into the roof where water can fall come in and rot the rest of the house.

You mention that things got bad about two years ago. No way! There were cracks in the relationship early on ... times when you felt roundly insulted or minimized ... and you said nothing. Two years ago might have been when the weight of her insults finally crushed your hopes about being happy in the relationship. But the problem of you not standing up for yourself—and her being defensive and dismissive--almost certainly was probably there from the git-go. 

Your issue is "boundaries"--a polite way of saying you don't know how to stand up for yourself, how to say no to someone, how to react the first time someone does something or says something mean to you. If you don't stand up for yourself in little ways all along, you end up at this point that you're at right now where standing up for yourself would require nuclear war. You want to work on boundaries, because frankly, if you leave this relationship, you’ll repeat the pattern again with the next person you date. You have to set boundaries in any relationship--doesn't matter how sweet and kind the partner is. (And the other person needs to set boundaries with us as well.)

True story: I grew up in a highly political family and we were great at standing up to authorities, speaking loudly when there was some injustice at issue.   A few years ago,  I actually complained to the executive at my workplace and to the top deputy about a practice that I thought was insulting--and they actually changed the policy. But I was terrible at standing up for myself in the little day-to-day consistent way required for intimate relationships. My siblings were also bad. 

Good intimate relationships require two people to let the other know when they are not feeling valued—and two people committed to repairing things when the other doesn’t feel valued.

Thanks. I agree with your point about boundaries and standing up for myself in this relationship. And yes, it has generally been the way with previous relationships too, by that I mean romantic relationships. When it comes to work, my parents, sibling, friends etc. I have no issues with pushing back and saying “no”.

 

[Marc878]

3 hours ago, Londoner81 said:

Ah right. Thanks Marc. Not sure whether she choose to ignore it. A lot of shops are closed apart from supermarkets and pharmacies, but even then would have thought she’d get me a card.

How do you mean check my phone bill? We only have our mobile phones, with separate accounts

In a lot of these cases there are sometimes someone else in the mix. It can be verified on the phone data/usage.

[Samgeo]

Sometimes a lack of attraction to our partner is not because of how they look but how they make us feel. It sounds like you two aren’t connected which will chip away at the attraction you have for one another. the lack of time together is obviously contributing to this.

My advice is to speak to a therapist for yourself via online if needed to help cope right now (who knows how long we will be on lockdown). Staying in a relationship that’s breaking down can be an emotional roller coaster on top of your duties as a father, the stress of what’s going on in the world right now and not fulfilling your own personal goals. If you find that you do want to make one last effort for the two of you to connect then maybe having a couples therapist to create a safe space for the two of you to work through your problems might be beneficial.

Its hard to heal and reconnect when both sides feel unappreciated by the other. I’m sure your wife has a narrative where she feels similarly to how you do (not even suggesting if it’s justified but usually both people are hurting and it’s hard to empathize when you don’t think the other person understands you or that they are the problem and not you).

I hope you figure it out and are able to find a way forward.

 

[Blind-Sided]

4 hours ago, Londoner81 said:

Hi,

Many thanks for your advice and thoughts on my situation. Some follow up questions / points, if I may:

1. How do you mean I answered my own question about staying?

2. I don’t think my youngest would really understand, given she is still quite young (3 yrs old), but I am worried about the eldest (6yrs old). I know I would miss them so much and that it would break my heart to not be able to see them first thing in the morning or put them to bed every day. 

As I said to someone else, if we didn’t have kids, the marriage would have been over by now.

You are welcome.  My D is still kind of fresh, and since I have kids, I have some good insight/hindsight on this.

1) Well, your question for the post is "Considering Divorce."   Since you said you didn't really want to work on it anymore... then the question of "Considering" was answered.  You are mentally done with the marriage, and should just move forward.  Everyone here understands that it's not an easy thing to move forward with.  Especially when that other person isn't totally bad.  (mean, cruel, or has serious issues like drugs, gambling trust, so on)  My one female friend is going trough the same issue you as you.  She got married hoping her SO would change, and "Step up.".  In turn, she just has a roommate, and someone she has to take care of.  He's a nice guy, and she even told me a few weeks ago... "It would be so much easier to file if he was an ass."  She feels obligated because he is nice, but she is miserable.

2) I know... I was saying the same thing here a year ago.  Actually... I've see the same sentiment about kids in almost every divorce thread... "I couldn't stand not seeing my kids every day."  or "I would be heart broken not making my kids breakfast every morning."... or something on those lines.  But I will tell you the same thing that I was told... the kids will adapt.  In my case, we are set up with a week on/off (50/50) situation.  But, my oldest has issues with her mother because she tried to hang an abuse label on me. (went to the local abuse center, and tried to have me thrown out of my house) So, she is with me almost full time.   OK... with that said... and I don't want to sound bad... but once you start moving forward... you will be thankful for a few nights alone (when your kids are with your stbX) to do the things you want to do personally. Sometimes, just to clean the house, or watch a movie that isn't kid friendly. And yes... dating eventually. I will say this... try not to confuse the kids.  Don't make some crazy schedule where they bounce back and forth every other day. Also... don't try to do things as a "Family" anymore.  I see people trying to do Bday parties together, or getting Sunday dinner all together... and I personally think that is so very wrong. That just confuses the kids.  If mom and dad are happy and talking... they may think "Why aren't we all together?"  or, if there is friction, then they have to deal with the anger.

I wish you good luck moving forward.

[Londoner81]

5 hours ago, Marc878 said:

In a lot of these cases there are sometimes someone else in the mix. It can be verified on the phone data/usage.

I have never checked my wife’s phone. I don’t have a reason to. To be honest, I am not sure I would even care if there was a third party involved.

[schlumpy]

You are very clear that it is over and you simply biding your time to tell her. My condolences.

My understanding of UK divorce law is that unless you can prove infidelity there is a one year separation period that must be endured before you can file for divorce.

I suggest you start making plans and laying the groundwork for your exit. Do you have a solicitor yet? Get some financial advice on dividing assets. Lots of things to prepare for. New place to live for one.

Good luck and I'm sorry that this is the outcome of what at one time must have been a promising relationship.

[Londoner81]

21 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

You are welcome.  My D is still kind of fresh, and since I have kids, I have some good insight/hindsight on this.

1) Well, your question for the post is "Considering Divorce."   Since you said you didn't really want to work on it anymore... then the question of "Considering" was answered.  You are mentally done with the marriage, and should just move forward.  Everyone here understands that it's not an easy thing to move forward with.  Especially when that other person isn't totally bad.  (mean, cruel, or has serious issues like drugs, gambling trust, so on)  My one female friend is going trough the same issue you as you.  She got married hoping her SO would change, and "Step up.".  In turn, she just has a roommate, and someone she has to take care of.  He's a nice guy, and she even told me a few weeks ago... "It would be so much easier to file if he was an ass."  She feels obligated because he is nice, but she is miserable.

2) I know... I was saying the same thing here a year ago.  Actually... I've see the same sentiment about kids in almost every divorce thread... "I couldn't stand not seeing my kids every day."  or "I would be heart broken not making my kids breakfast every morning."... or something on those lines.  But I will tell you the same thing that I was told... the kids will adapt.  In my case, we are set up with a week on/off (50/50) situation.  But, my oldest has issues with her mother because she tried to hang an abuse label on me. (went to the local abuse center, and tried to have me thrown out of my house) So, she is with me almost full time.   OK... with that said... and I don't want to sound bad... but once you start moving forward... you will be thankful for a few nights alone (when your kids are with your stbX) to do the things you want to do personally. Sometimes, just to clean the house, or watch a movie that isn't kid friendly. And yes... dating eventually. I will say this... try not to confuse the kids.  Don't make some crazy schedule where they bounce back and forth every other day. Also... don't try to do things as a "Family" anymore.  I see people trying to do Bday parties together, or getting Sunday dinner all together... and I personally think that is so very wrong. That just confuses the kids.  If mom and dad are happy and talking... they may think "Why aren't we all together?"  or, if there is friction, then they have to deal with the anger.

I wish you good luck moving forward.

Thanks mate. You’re spot on! My wife is not a bad person, she is a great mum to our kids and for the majority of our time together she has been amazing, which makes it all the harder. I am hopeful we can keep it amicable and in the future be friends, but time will tell I guess...

It just feels strange that I have been accepting what the marriage has been like for the last couple of years, until recently when it’s like a switch went on inside me and it’s like ‘enough is enough’ and that I don’t have to endure it anymore. 

You’re right. The kids will adapt. As I mentioned, I have read articles that say the younger the children are the easier they adapt, although I am sure there are also conflicting views on the subject. So long as my kids are OK and I can play an active part in their lives, that is all that matters.

[Londoner81]

22 hours ago, Samgeo said:

Sometimes a lack of attraction to our partner is not because of how they look but how they make us feel. It sounds like you two aren’t connected which will chip away at the attraction you have for one another. the lack of time together is obviously contributing to this.

My advice is to speak to a therapist for yourself via online if needed to help cope right now (who knows how long we will be on lockdown). Staying in a relationship that’s breaking down can be an emotional roller coaster on top of your duties as a father, the stress of what’s going on in the world right now and not fulfilling your own personal goals. If you find that you do want to make one last effort for the two of you to connect then maybe having a couples therapist to create a safe space for the two of you to work through your problems might be beneficial.

Its hard to heal and reconnect when both sides feel unappreciated by the other. I’m sure your wife has a narrative where she feels similarly to how you do (not even suggesting if it’s justified but usually both people are hurting and it’s hard to empathize when you don’t think the other person understands you or that they are the problem and not you).

I hope you figure it out and are able to find a way forward.

 

Thank you so much for your advice. Can you recommend any online therapist / counsellors? The issue with doing therapy myself is how I attend a session online without my other half finding out given we are all in lockdown together.

Yes, I am sure she has her own story to tell, who knows, maybe she feels the same way. Wants out as well but doesn’t know how to move it forward.

[Londoner81]

9 hours ago, schlumpy said:

You are very clear that it is over and you simply biding your time to tell her. My condolences.

My understanding of UK divorce law is that unless you can prove infidelity there is a one year separation period that must be endured before you can file for divorce.

I suggest you start making plans and laying the groundwork for your exit. Do you have a solicitor yet? Get some financial advice on dividing assets. Lots of things to prepare for. New place to live for one.

Good luck and I'm sorry that this is the outcome of what at one time must have been a promising relationship.

Thanks. I believe it is 2 years, but there are also other grounds for divorce that can be considered when applying for divorce. 

I have not looked at legal advice or financial advice. However, I have been listing our assets and looking at the potential arrangements, as well as what money I would need to have for rent, child maintenance etc. 

Until life starts to return to some semblance of normality out there, I need to sit tight. Separating during lockdown wouldn’t be very easy, putting it mildly, and if it does escalate and becomes a fight once the talk has happened, I don’t want to be trapped in the house because the outside world is still on lockdown.

[Blind-Sided]

2 hours ago, Londoner81 said:

.... You’re right. The kids will adapt. As I mentioned, I have read articles that say the younger the children are the easier they adapt, although I am sure there are also conflicting views on the subject. So long as my kids are OK and I can play an active part in their lives, that is all that matters.

I'm glad you are coming to grips with that... yes, the kids... just like you... will adapt, and be happy again.  Just be the best dad you can be !!!   Oh... and I don't mean buying the love and affection from your kids... or trying to "One up" your stbXw.  I have a couple brand new stories from my house...

On the good...

My youngest and I were watching a Disney movie yesterday afternoon, and I knew we probably wouldn't be able to finish it before MOM would show up. (For an exchange) My youngest daughter was laying on me, and cuddling.  It was a wonderful, loving feeling.  But mom showed up, and she didn't want to leave.  That made me feel great, because I know my daughter loves being with me.  But I told her it was time to go, and we would finish the movie on Monday.  She said OK, and got her things together to go.

On the bad...

20 Min after my girls left... my oldest kid txt'ed me as said... her sister was being a brat, being demanding, and wanted something from her sister's room. (like a personality switch from the movie situation above)  Now... why is this???  it's because my exW is giving into every demand, and buying our youngest everything she has been asking for.  This never happened when we were all together, but now... the exW is trying to buy her love, but the reality is... she it creating a bad kid.  But only when she is at her house.  The problem is... my oldest is old enough to see what's happening, and it's making her even more upset with her mother.  She doesn't want to be with her mother at all... but I tell her that she has too, so we don't get pulled into court again. (even though the order is 50/50, my oldest only spends 3 days every other week with her mother. So 85% with me right now)

So... in moving forward... be a good, loving dad. Give your kids support... give them love... give them attention, but DO NOT start buying them gifts, and letting them have their way!

Edited April 25, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Londoner81]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

I'm glad you are coming to grips with that... yes, the kids... just like you... will adapt, and be happy again.  Just be the best dad you can be !!!   Oh... and I don't mean buying the love and affection from your kids... or trying to "One up" your stbXw.  I have a couple brand new stories from my house...

On the good...

My youngest and I were watching a Disney movie yesterday afternoon, and I knew we probably wouldn't be able to finish it before MOM would show up. (For an exchange) My youngest daughter was laying on me, and cuddling.  It was a wonderful, loving feeling.  But mom showed up, and she didn't want to leave.  That made me feel great, because I know my daughter loves being with me.  But I told her it was time to go, and we would finish the movie on Monday.  She said OK, and got her things together to go.

On the bad...

20 Min after my girls left... my oldest kid txt'ed me as said... her sister was being a brat, being demanding, and wanted something from her sister's room. (like a personality switch from the movie situation above)  Now... why is this???  it's because my exW is giving into every demand, and buying our youngest everything she has been asking for.  This never happened when we were all together, but now... the exW is trying to buy her love, but the reality is... she it creating a bad kid.  But only when she is at her house.  The problem is... my oldest is old enough to see what's happening, and it's making her even more upset with her mother.  She doesn't want to be with her mother at all... but I tell her that she has too, so we don't get pulled into court again. (even though the order is 50/50, my oldest only spends 3 days every other week with her mother. So 85% with me right now)

So... in moving forward... be a good, loving dad. Give your kids support... give them love... give them attention, but DO NOT start buying them gifts, and letting them have their way!

Very sound advice. I have never been in to spoiling the kids as it is. They have nice toys, clothes and books and sure, every now and again I treat them but they know it’s a treat and a one off and not something to expect on a regular basis. My wife and I have very similar views on that and I would hope that it continues, I guess time will tell.

Thanks again, hope you are keeping well and safe in these uncertain times.

[Londoner81]

On 4/25/2020 at 12:31 PM, Blind-Sided said:

I'm glad you are coming to grips with that... yes, the kids... just like you... will adapt, and be happy again.  Just be the best dad you can be !!!   Oh... and I don't mean buying the love and affection from your kids... or trying to "One up" your stbXw.  I have a couple brand new stories from my house...

On the good...

My youngest and I were watching a Disney movie yesterday afternoon, and I knew we probably wouldn't be able to finish it before MOM would show up. (For an exchange) My youngest daughter was laying on me, and cuddling.  It was a wonderful, loving feeling.  But mom showed up, and she didn't want to leave.  That made me feel great, because I know my daughter loves being with me.  But I told her it was time to go, and we would finish the movie on Monday.  She said OK, and got her things together to go.

On the bad...

20 Min after my girls left... my oldest kid txt'ed me as said... her sister was being a brat, being demanding, and wanted something from her sister's room. (like a personality switch from the movie situation above)  Now... why is this???  it's because my exW is giving into every demand, and buying our youngest everything she has been asking for.  This never happened when we were all together, but now... the exW is trying to buy her love, but the reality is... she it creating a bad kid.  But only when she is at her house.  The problem is... my oldest is old enough to see what's happening, and it's making her even more upset with her mother.  She doesn't want to be with her mother at all... but I tell her that she has too, so we don't get pulled into court again. (even though the order is 50/50, my oldest only spends 3 days every other week with her mother. So 85% with me right now)

So... in moving forward... be a good, loving dad. Give your kids support... give them love... give them attention, but DO NOT start buying them gifts, and letting them have their way!

I guess the overriding concern I still have is; how do I know if I am making / have made the right decision? I know I shouldn’t look too far ahead, but I worry about how I will feel about the whole thing, when I’m in my own place, without the kids and I’m alone.

[Londoner81]

On 4/24/2020 at 12:31 AM, healing light said:

This is called DARVO (deny attack, reverse victim and offender). I have commented on it in other posts because I think it's important for people to be aware of the dynamics so they can identify it at the time. It's usually used to evade taking responsibility or to gaslight the party coming to the table with legitimate concerns so that things never get resolved properly.

I haven't read through the rest of your thread yet, just wanted to mention that this doesn't bode well for your future communication, especially if she has any type of disordered personality.

Personally, your relationship sounds drier than stale bread. Maybe I would feel differently if it sounded like you like who your wife is as a person, but it sounds like all your attraction towards her is gone. Like a functional arrangement rather than one that brings you joy. I don't think your heart is in it anymore, but I agree with the others that I wouldn't check out of it until after quarantine. 

I guess the overriding concern I still have is; how do I know if I am making / have made the right decision? I know I shouldn’t look too far ahead, but I worry about how I will feel about the whole thing, when I’m in my own place, without the kids and I’m alone.

[Londoner81]

On 4/25/2020 at 12:50 AM, schlumpy said:

You are very clear that it is over and you simply biding your time to tell her. My condolences.

My understanding of UK divorce law is that unless you can prove infidelity there is a one year separation period that must be endured before you can file for divorce.

I suggest you start making plans and laying the groundwork for your exit. Do you have a solicitor yet? Get some financial advice on dividing assets. Lots of things to prepare for. New place to live for one.

Good luck and I'm sorry that this is the outcome of what at one time must have been a promising relationship.

I guess the overriding concern I still have is; how do I know if I am making / have made the right decision? I know I shouldn’t look too far ahead, but I worry about how I will feel about the whole thing, when I’m in my own place, without the kids and I’m alone.

[schlumpy]

At first it might be relief but eventually If you are normal you will feel regret. I don't think the regret will be overwhelming. It's more of a nagging type where you review your life with a focus on "what if?" as your subconscious attempts to work out a rational answer that you can live with. So, expect to stare off into space once in awhile.

[FMW]

Like most decisions, there is no way to know 100% how you are going to feel later.  

I stayed in an unhappy marriage for several years after it was apparent it was dead and it was unlikely to be revived.  At some point it was clear to me that I just couldn't take another minute, the balance shifted in my head/heart so that braving the unknown was preferable to staying put.  We didn't have children, so that wasn't a consideration I had to make.  

While the pandemic has everything locked down, take the time to get your thoughts and feelings straight.  Make use of online therapy if that appeals to you, and take advantage of the multitude of online reading sources on related topics.  Post here, read other threads here started by others in similar circumstances. 

[Londoner81]

3 hours ago, schlumpy said:

At first it might be relief but eventually If you are normal you will feel regret. I don't think the regret will be overwhelming. It's more of a nagging type where you review your life with a focus on "what if?" as your subconscious attempts to work out a rational answer that you can live with. So, expect to stare off into space once in awhile.

Thanks. I’m a sucker for “what ifs” but definitely getting better at removing that kind of thinking from my life. I won’t 100% know for sure until the decision has been made. After all, there is a chance my wife is feeling the same, who knows right?!

[Londoner81]

3 hours ago, FMW said:

Like most decisions, there is no way to know 100% how you are going to feel later.  

I stayed in an unhappy marriage for several years after it was apparent it was dead and it was unlikely to be revived.  At some point it was clear to me that I just couldn't take another minute, the balance shifted in my head/heart so that braving the unknown was preferable to staying put.  We didn't have children, so that wasn't a consideration I had to make.  

While the pandemic has everything locked down, take the time to get your thoughts and feelings straight.  Make use of online therapy if that appeals to you, and take advantage of the multitude of online reading sources on related topics.  Post here, read other threads here started by others in similar circumstances. 

Thanks, sound advice. And that is exactly what I have been doing. Reading up on the subject, assessing the assets and finances and potential scenarios around how that will be carved up. Even had a look at what rentals are on the market in the local area.

My gut is telling me things aren’t right and that they haven’t for a while. I think before I kinda accepted this was as good as it gets and that by staying in the marriage I would get to see the kids every day and would also be financially sound. But I know that I could still see the kids on a regular basis, as well as having my own time, I can stand on my own two feet financially and also, most importantly, when I ask myself the question, “I am in love with my wife and is this marriage working?” The answer every time is “no”.