I feel unappreciated and belittled

[jeanine1995]

 

 

Hi everyone, 

 

So this is a part of the story. There is more. 

TL;DR Everything I do profesionally in the field I work in is constantly belittled or unsupported by my partner. When we first met each other last year, I was deeply invested into what I was doing. I toned down my professional committments when we started getting serious.

 

We moved in together and shorly thereafter, the cracks appeared in places I’ve not considered beforehand. It all started with minor observations about who I was dating before him, even though that relationship ended half a year before knowing my actual partner. He grew an obsession for my ex-boyfriend with whom I separated on very good terms and decided to remain friends with.

 

He asked me go ahead and remove him from my social media accounts. I did. He asked me throw away a photograph I had with him, which I did.

Then, when that was no longer a topic of discord, everyone became a topic of discord. Persons who got in touch with me for work related matters became persons who wanted to have sex with me.

 

I woke up in a continous battle to prove my honesty, starting from the presumption that I was guily and not given any trust whatsoever. I did not reply in the same terms. Instead, I tried to explain every time why that was wrong and insulting my intelligence. I told him specifically how it offends me if he believes anyone who would contact me for work relatted matters did not see in me anything else than a person they would like to have sex with. And how offended I was by the fact that he sees my intelligence so low as to not know how to reject sexual proposals.

 

I grew particularly itchy about this topic since blame was pointed out at me without being guilty of anything. It soon escalated into serious arguments and endless hours of fights because I would not give up my ground. I would explain day in day out how I am not to be blamed whatsoever if someone texts me as I did not put a phone into that person’s hand, nor asked for that person to text me.

 

My network shrinked considerably in the process. I stoped talking with old friends because my partner would not understand that I have had male friends and that nothing sexual ever happened between me and those friends.

 

Then he started this routine where he would fight me off every night before an important work related event. If next morning I had something important at work, the night before he would fight me really hard for whatever reason. The reasons were always different and if I tried to pinpoint that he’s doing this all the time before I have something important the next day, he would shut me off by saying “You’re bringing everything from the past back but what I’m telling you now is not related to what happened back then. If you would just listen to me.” But it always so happened that these fights would come in exactly before an event of mine at work, that he knew of.

 

Or it even happened right before me going to an event. For instance one night we had a Christmas party at work and I invited the interns we had there. They were unfamiliar with the location so 2 of them wrote to me to ask how to enter the venue. I replied quickly with the instructions on how to get there as I was myself in a hurry to be there on time. He got mad at me for doing that and started an argument about it, a huge argument right before I went to that party. He also insisted that he drove me there and pick me up, even if I said Uber would be just fine.

 

Then the “priority” argument came in. He started picking up at me for the fact that I’m not seeing him as my number 1 priority in life. As I’ve told him, my top 1 priority is to be able to progress in my career then the rest of my week can focus on personal matters. I’m 24 and we’re only dating for 7 months. There is nothing wrong about me wanting to be a prosperous person, financially independent and self reliant, and not wanting to move the entire puzzle of my life for someone I’ve only dated half a year.

 

And at some point in our endless fights, it really clicked with me that what he was saying about me making him my number 1 priority was just him saying how he really wants a very conservative, old-aged era partner, who would not have any purpose in life than to serve her man. At the beginning, he posed as a modern, progressist man, he even told me the first time we discussed about it that he likes women who have a career plan and aspirations of their own. Turns out, now he doesn’t want that anymore. He wants a woman who only lives to please him all the time, making him the no. 1 priority in her life. At some point in one of our fights, he told me that I will end up old and alone, with nothing but my career to hug.

 

And, unknowingly, I was doing just that. It finally clicked with me that I was the only one doing the constant chores of the house and he did little to almost nothing around. I proceeded to tell him that it is in no way just that I do all the work in the house all the time and that he doesn’t. It bothered me that I was always picking up plates, mugs, glasses, wraps, crumbs all the time after him, I was doing all the dishes all the time, taking the trash out, doing laundery, wattering the plants, cleaning the entire house all the time, while he sat there with nothing in particular in his agenda doing nothing but complaining how I’m not making him my #1 priority. And then we established this agreement: that he would cook (because he enjoys it and I did not ask him to cook, he offered) and I do the cleaning part. Except that I was doing the cleaning, paying the bills, washing the dishes, wattering the plants, doing all the work in the house and he would only cook once in a month maybe, and then with me having to clean up after him and do the dishes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[preraph]

I am having a hard time understanding why you are still in this relationship. Your partner is abusive and controlling and it's probably all driven by his insecurities which isn't anything you can do anything about. Bottom line is he's controlling and isolating you which is how it starts with a lot of abusive partners..

 

A partner should support you and make your life better and richer. They shouldn't be confining you and criticizing you. If a partner doesn't make your life better and happier, then you need to leave. Please do this sooner rather than later because what if you get pregnant with this guy and you'll be stuck with them the rest of your life. He's not fit to be a father. He's not fit to be a husband. He's got problems.

[jeanine1995]

I'm afraid that I might be a guilty as well in this whole thing. I'm not one to give up. I stand up for what I want and will not change who I am. I am a woman invested in my professional work, I have no problem in working 40 hours a week. I know love is about sacrifices and I'm doing it, I've forgiven him so many times so far. 

 

But giving up my way of being, what I do for work, my aspirations in life, that is a way too big sacrifice for someone to make and for someone to ask in a 7 months relationship. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, jeanine1995 said:

I know love is about sacrifices and I'm doing it, I've forgiven him so many times so far. 

Been there  done that.

Was a waste of a lot of years frankly.

[jeanine1995]

Edited April 22, 2020 by jeanine1995

[peaceminusone]

Good Lord...

Please take care of yourself and move out as soon as you can. 
You gave him the control of your relation when you agreed to do things like 'remove people from social media, not talk to friends, avoid males at work etc'  

He's increasing control over you by being over protective and possessive to the point that you feel muffled and asphyxiated. 

The fact that he pushes you not to have contact with people (because he's cutting off your social support and wants you to think of him as the ONLY ONE that you can turn to. OH LORD ) , fights with you before every significant event or meeting so that he can exhaust your mental energy and make you look like a fool in your own eyes. 

So you;re depleted all the time while you try to piece things together to make them work and then I am sure, some days you dont even argue back with him and just hear his BS.  Because hun he knows you Love him too much to give him up. 

But you do just that, and GIVE him up. Run like hell. 

this is so much mental BS , that no one deserves from a partner. 
A partner isnt supposed to demean you, but be your strength. 

[preraph]

2 hours ago, jeanine1995 said:

I'm afraid that I might be a guilty as well in this whole thing. I'm not one to give up. I stand up for what I want and will not change who I am. I am a woman invested in my professional work, I have no problem in working 40 hours a week. I know love is about sacrifices and I'm doing it, I've forgiven him so many times so far. 

 

But giving up my way of being, what I do for work, my aspirations in life, that is a way too big sacrifice for someone to make and for someone to ask in a 7 months relationship. 

Yes, you are guilty of not accepting that he is not an acceptable mate and that you can't change him and that love won't change him and likely years of therapy won't change him.  You are guilty of not facing reality faster, but it's not too late.  Do it before you are STUCK.  He is an abusive controlling loser.  

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, jeanine1995 said:

I'm afraid that I might be a guilty as well in this whole thing. I'm not one to give up. I stand up for what I want and will not change who I am. I am a woman invested in my professional work, I have no problem in working 40 hours a week. I know love is about sacrifices and I'm doing it, I've forgiven him so many times so far. 

But giving up my way of being, what I do for work, my aspirations in life, that is a way too big sacrifice for someone to make and for someone to ask in a 7 months relationship. 

Don't give up your way of being.    Love is not about forgiving such repeated abuse.

 

This is spot on.

2 hours ago, preraph said:

I am having a hard time understanding why you are still in this relationship. Your partner is abusive and controlling and it's probably all driven by his insecurities which isn't anything you can do anything about. Bottom line is he's controlling and isolating you which is how it starts with a lot of abusive partners..

A partner should support you and make your life better and richer. They shouldn't be confining you and criticizing you. If a partner doesn't make your life better and happier, then you need to leave. Please do this sooner rather than later because what if you get pregnant with this guy and you'll be stuck with them the rest of your life. He's not fit to be a father. He's not fit to be a husband. He's got problems.

What I am about to say may sound alarming.   You don't have to take my word for it, talk to the therapist and/or lawyer types I mention below.  They can provide you with counsel and how big of red flags this guys behavior really is.

His behaviors is already abusive (just not physical yet it seems)...no matter the endless rationale I suspect he provides.   

He is isolating you, step by step.   It is text book right along with doing little and putting it on you to make him your #1 priority when that is all you have been doing and he is doing the opposite.   Look into the abuser cycle, I suspect he is following that as well, the goal posts are always moving for him, enough is never enough.  His agreement to cook is a sop, a temporary appeasement, again part of the cycle.

Everything you write about him is text book abuser /personality disorder.  From the fights the night before a important project, to keeping you constantly on the defensive, to bringing up things from the past even if not related or this is the first time he ever mentioned it.  Has him re-writing history or gas lighting begun yet?

 

I strongly, strongly suspect from what you describe he has a cluster B personality disorder, look it up but do so safely (without him knowing) to educate yourself.    I am serious about doing so safely, if this guy has any IT knowledge he likely is already all into you search history, phone, phone records, and even search history on your home router, which is hard to remove if you don't know what you are doing.  Use a work or library computer, a work phone.    

Don't bring personality disorders up with him, he will immediately spin it you are the problem, you have a disorder (yet somehow he still wants you around to serve him..hmmm).   These folks (cluster B personality disorder) are dangerous.   Even if he is simply "jealous" that is a big time motive for abuse and worse.

Reach out to your support network, friends and family, etc. you can trust to not talk to him.  Don't think that if he has separated you from them that they would not take you back.   

Importantly, talk to a therapist and a lawyer if you can and see if you can record what goes on, your legal rights under any lease etc., divorce lawyers know his type very, very, very well and a therapist who counsels abused women knows it too.  Many lawyers will give you an hour for free to consult and a free or low cost therapist who supports women in your situation are also relatively easy to find.

Make a plan (don't tell him) and get out.   Be prepared for it getting even more ugly when he realizes he can no longer just brow beat you to get his way, expect all sorts of character assassination, basically anything he thinks he can get away with including hitting you and destruction of your property.  Steal money out of your accounts if he can (illegal you say...just ask a lawyer how much time and effort it can be to get it back), and joint accounts you can kiss that money good bye unless you prepare.  There will almost certainly be a stage where he pleads and swears he will change, and likely say everything you want to hear (he knows what that is).  Then it gets real ugly, real fast if you say no.

If he has any inkling you want to end the relationship, expect him to retaliate and make it hard on you to leave.  As odd as it may sound, and against your good person nature, you may well have to leave quickly with little notice to him, that is you friend and/or movers show up with you and you move your stuff out in a day. 

 

You are not going to be able to fix this as you won't be able to fix him.

[pepperbird]

3 hours ago, jeanine1995 said:

 

 

Hi everyone, 

 

So this is a part of the story. There is more. 

TL;DR Everything I do profesionally in the field I work in is constantly belittled or unsupported by my partner. When we first met each other last year, I was deeply invested into what I was doing. I toned down my professional committments when we started getting serious.

 

We moved in together and shorly thereafter, the cracks appeared in places I’ve not considered beforehand. It all started with minor observations about who I was dating before him, even though that relationship ended half a year before knowing my actual partner. He grew an obsession for my ex-boyfriend with whom I separated on very good terms and decided to remain friends with.

 

He asked me go ahead and remove him from my social media accounts. I did. He asked me throw away a photograph I had with him, which I did.

Then, when that was no longer a topic of discord, everyone became a topic of discord. Persons who got in touch with me for work related matters became persons who wanted to have sex with me.

 

I woke up in a continous battle to prove my honesty, starting from the presumption that I was guily and not given any trust whatsoever. I did not reply in the same terms. Instead, I tried to explain every time why that was wrong and insulting my intelligence. I told him specifically how it offends me if he believes anyone who would contact me for work relatted matters did not see in me anything else than a person they would like to have sex with. And how offended I was by the fact that he sees my intelligence so low as to not know how to reject sexual proposals.

 

I grew particularly itchy about this topic since blame was pointed out at me without being guilty of anything. It soon escalated into serious arguments and endless hours of fights because I would not give up my ground. I would explain day in day out how I am not to be blamed whatsoever if someone texts me as I did not put a phone into that person’s hand, nor asked for that person to text me.

 

My network shrinked considerably in the process. I stoped talking with old friends because my partner would not understand that I have had male friends and that nothing sexual ever happened between me and those friends.

 

Then he started this routine where he would fight me off every night before an important work related event. If next morning I had something important at work, the night before he would fight me really hard for whatever reason. The reasons were always different and if I tried to pinpoint that he’s doing this all the time before I have something important the next day, he would shut me off by saying “You’re bringing everything from the past back but what I’m telling you now is not related to what happened back then. If you would just listen to me.” But it always so happened that these fights would come in exactly before an event of mine at work, that he knew of.

 

Or it even happened right before me going to an event. For instance one night we had a Christmas party at work and I invited the interns we had there. They were unfamiliar with the location so 2 of them wrote to me to ask how to enter the venue. I replied quickly with the instructions on how to get there as I was myself in a hurry to be there on time. He got mad at me for doing that and started an argument about it, a huge argument right before I went to that party. He also insisted that he drove me there and pick me up, even if I said Uber would be just fine.

 

Then the “priority” argument came in. He started picking up at me for the fact that I’m not seeing him as my number 1 priority in life. As I’ve told him, my top 1 priority is to be able to progress in my career then the rest of my week can focus on personal matters. I’m 24 and we’re only dating for 7 months. There is nothing wrong about me wanting to be a prosperous person, financially independent and self reliant, and not wanting to move the entire puzzle of my life for someone I’ve only dated half a year.

 

And at some point in our endless fights, it really clicked with me that what he was saying about me making him my number 1 priority was just him saying how he really wants a very conservative, old-aged era partner, who would not have any purpose in life than to serve her man. At the beginning, he posed as a modern, progressist man, he even told me the first time we discussed about it that he likes women who have a career plan and aspirations of their own. Turns out, now he doesn’t want that anymore. He wants a woman who only lives to please him all the time, making him the no. 1 priority in her life. At some point in one of our fights, he told me that I will end up old and alone, with nothing but my career to hug.

 

And, unknowingly, I was doing just that. It finally clicked with me that I was the only one doing the constant chores of the house and he did little to almost nothing around. I proceeded to tell him that it is in no way just that I do all the work in the house all the time and that he doesn’t. It bothered me that I was always picking up plates, mugs, glasses, wraps, crumbs all the time after him, I was doing all the dishes all the time, taking the trash out, doing laundery, wattering the plants, cleaning the entire house all the time, while he sat there with nothing in particular in his agenda doing nothing but complaining how I’m not making him my #1 priority. And then we established this agreement: that he would cook (because he enjoys it and I did not ask him to cook, he offered) and I do the cleaning part. Except that I was doing the cleaning, paying the bills, washing the dishes, wattering the plants, doing all the work in the house and he would only cook once in a month maybe, and then with me having to clean up after him and do the dishes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OP,

This sounds to me like the type of a relationship where you will be abused and very unhappy.

It doesn't get better. It just doesn't, It only gets worse, and one day, you'll wake up and wonder where the last years of your life have gone and why you wasted them.

[trackday]

9 hours ago, jeanine1995 said:

 

 

Hi everyone, 

 

So this is a part of the story. There is more. 

TL;DR Everything I do profesionally in the field I work in is constantly belittled or unsupported by my partner. When we first met each other last year, I was deeply invested into what I was doing. I toned down my professional committments when we started getting serious.

 

We moved in together and shorly thereafter, the cracks appeared in places I’ve not considered beforehand. It all started with minor observations about who I was dating before him, even though that relationship ended half a year before knowing my actual partner. He grew an obsession for my ex-boyfriend with whom I separated on very good terms and decided to remain friends with.

 

He asked me go ahead and remove him from my social media accounts. I did. He asked me throw away a photograph I had with him, which I did.

Then, when that was no longer a topic of discord, everyone became a topic of discord. Persons who got in touch with me for work related matters became persons who wanted to have sex with me.

 

I woke up in a continous battle to prove my honesty, starting from the presumption that I was guily and not given any trust whatsoever. I did not reply in the same terms. Instead, I tried to explain every time why that was wrong and insulting my intelligence. I told him specifically how it offends me if he believes anyone who would contact me for work relatted matters did not see in me anything else than a person they would like to have sex with. And how offended I was by the fact that he sees my intelligence so low as to not know how to reject sexual proposals.

 

I grew particularly itchy about this topic since blame was pointed out at me without being guilty of anything. It soon escalated into serious arguments and endless hours of fights because I would not give up my ground. I would explain day in day out how I am not to be blamed whatsoever if someone texts me as I did not put a phone into that person’s hand, nor asked for that person to text me.

 

My network shrinked considerably in the process. I stoped talking with old friends because my partner would not understand that I have had male friends and that nothing sexual ever happened between me and those friends.

 

Then he started this routine where he would fight me off every night before an important work related event. If next morning I had something important at work, the night before he would fight me really hard for whatever reason. The reasons were always different and if I tried to pinpoint that he’s doing this all the time before I have something important the next day, he would shut me off by saying “You’re bringing everything from the past back but what I’m telling you now is not related to what happened back then. If you would just listen to me.” But it always so happened that these fights would come in exactly before an event of mine at work, that he knew of.

 

Or it even happened right before me going to an event. For instance one night we had a Christmas party at work and I invited the interns we had there. They were unfamiliar with the location so 2 of them wrote to me to ask how to enter the venue. I replied quickly with the instructions on how to get there as I was myself in a hurry to be there on time. He got mad at me for doing that and started an argument about it, a huge argument right before I went to that party. He also insisted that he drove me there and pick me up, even if I said Uber would be just fine.

 

Then the “priority” argument came in. He started picking up at me for the fact that I’m not seeing him as my number 1 priority in life. As I’ve told him, my top 1 priority is to be able to progress in my career then the rest of my week can focus on personal matters. I’m 24 and we’re only dating for 7 months. There is nothing wrong about me wanting to be a prosperous person, financially independent and self reliant, and not wanting to move the entire puzzle of my life for someone I’ve only dated half a year.

 

And at some point in our endless fights, it really clicked with me that what he was saying about me making him my number 1 priority was just him saying how he really wants a very conservative, old-aged era partner, who would not have any purpose in life than to serve her man. At the beginning, he posed as a modern, progressist man, he even told me the first time we discussed about it that he likes women who have a career plan and aspirations of their own. Turns out, now he doesn’t want that anymore. He wants a woman who only lives to please him all the time, making him the no. 1 priority in her life. At some point in one of our fights, he told me that I will end up old and alone, with nothing but my career to hug.

 

And, unknowingly, I was doing just that. It finally clicked with me that I was the only one doing the constant chores of the house and he did little to almost nothing around. I proceeded to tell him that it is in no way just that I do all the work in the house all the time and that he doesn’t. It bothered me that I was always picking up plates, mugs, glasses, wraps, crumbs all the time after him, I was doing all the dishes all the time, taking the trash out, doing laundery, wattering the plants, cleaning the entire house all the time, while he sat there with nothing in particular in his agenda doing nothing but complaining how I’m not making him my #1 priority. And then we established this agreement: that he would cook (because he enjoys it and I did not ask him to cook, he offered) and I do the cleaning part. Except that I was doing the cleaning, paying the bills, washing the dishes, wattering the plants, doing all the work in the house and he would only cook once in a month maybe, and then with me having to clean up after him and do the dishes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then why are you in a relationship with this person ???????????

[lana-banana]

This isn't just belittling, it's abusive. I was expecting to hear that this had all happened over the course of years, maybe even decades; when you said seven months my eyes bugged out of my head. Seven months should be around the end of the honeymoon period, not the realization that you're trapped! If he is dropping the mask this quickly then I can guarantee you he's capable of even worse behavior. For your own health and safety you have got to get rid of this guy. As others have said, it will not get better.

[pepperbird]

2 hours ago, lana-banana said:

This isn't just belittling, it's abusive. I was expecting to hear that this had all happened over the course of years, maybe even decades; when you said seven months my eyes bugged out of my head. Seven months should be around the end of the honeymoon period, not the realization that you're trapped! If he is dropping the mask this quickly then I can guarantee you he's capable of even worse behavior. For your own health and safety you have got to get rid of this guy. As others have said, it will not get better.

If every abused person could go back to the very first time they were hurt, recognize that it was just the beginning of their pain and walk away before they got totally tangled up, there'd be one heck of a lot less heartache.

I hope the OP sees her spouse for what he is and gets out.

[Redhead14]

21 hours ago, jeanine1995 said:

I'm afraid that I might be a guilty as well in this whole thing. I'm not one to give up. I stand up for what I want and will not change who I am. I am a woman invested in my professional work, I have no problem in working 40 hours a week. I know love is about sacrifices and I'm doing it, I've forgiven him so many times so far. 

 

But giving up my way of being, what I do for work, my aspirations in life, that is a way too big sacrifice for someone to make and for someone to ask in a 7 months relationship. 

There are always two sides and two guilty parties in every weak relationship scenario in terms of how issues are being dealt with.  However, this relationship has been a train wreck since the beginning 7 months ago.  That said, you continued it to the point of moving in together and now you are in another phase of the evaluation process for determining compatibility and you're discovering that this isn't working for you PERIOD.  It's not about sacrificing for love, etc.  That is not the thought process to be applied to a 7 month old relationship.  Sacrificing for love would be about a very long-term relationship that's run into some hard times -- not a relationship that wasn't good from the start.  You are in a toxic relationship.  It is not a fault/flaw that you have a career and are a strong, independent, self-sufficient woman.  You're with someone who can't/doesn't appreciate that in a woman and who needs a different kind of woman for himself and/or he is just a plain old mysogynist.

Throw this guy to the curb.  Tell him this isn't working for you and wish him well and then block, delete, forget.

Edited April 23, 2020 by Redhead14

[jeanine1995]

Thank you all for the replies. It is rather hard now to do anything, since we are quarantined at home all day. I have taken some precautionary measures: I've spoke about some aspects of this situation with my close family and my best friend, I left my home address to my best friend in case something happens she has it saved in her phone and I also have savings that would allow me to move out when/if quarantine is over. I have to tell you, at the beginning I was so surprised and unused to this rel. evolving so fast! Now I've done my fair share of reading about why this is actually dangerous. I fell really really hard for my partner when I first met him. My feelings for him were really strong and I still have them. He is the first ever partner I have ever moved in with and been this close. I really hoped it to be good... 

[jeanine1995]

And also, looking at things from the other perspective: I am also throwing in harsh replies whenever he says bad things to me such as "Oh, you want to post that photo on Instagram because you need attention from other men". I can't help it. I fight back all the time saying how he should be embarrassed about his comments and how offensive I find them. Most of the times, I do so and keep my calm, on a very low tone. But I did 2-3 times get super angry and shout at him these things as well. 

[poppyfields]

jeanine1995, have you ever watched "Big Little Lies" on HBO?  You can stream it from almost anywhere now.

Won all sorts of awards for being one of the most accurate depictions of mental, emotional and physical abuse ever made. 

If not, please do so. Celeste's and Perry's (characters in the film) extremely "physically" abusive and toxic relationship started out just like yours. 

These relationships are addicting and the longer you stay, the more addicting they become, and the more difficult to extricate yourself. 

Please take this seriously, and leave NOW, this man sounds like the worst of the worst; the amount of control he appears to have over you in only seven short months is alarming! 

Yes I know he's charming, exciting, sex is literally off the charts; these men are quite skilled in (1) seeking out weak women (sorry) and (2) pulling them in emotionally and then manipulating, controlling,  gaslighting.  Abusing.  They can also be incredibly loving and charming at times too, hence the confusion and why it's so difficult to leave. 

But make no mistake, these men are very dangerous to your psyche and in time your physical person as well, as abuse escalates, this is a documented fact.

Please don't allow that, be stronger than that, love "yourself" more than to allow that. 

Edited April 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[jeanine1995]

Haven't watched it yet, thank you very much for the recommendation! 

 

I mean, I have many doubts about my behaviour as well - do I simply attract this kind of temper? Where am I wrong and how can it get fixed? Am I over-reacting? Am I too bossy as a person?

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, jeanine1995 said:

Haven't watched it yet, thank you very much for the recommendation! 

 

I mean, I have many doubts about my behaviour as well - do I simply attract this kind of temper? Where am I wrong and how can it get fixed? Am I over-reacting? Am I too bossy as a person?

Watch the film!  Celeste asked herself those same questions. 

She appeared strong, she fought back! At times she would even bait him.

Perry asked her once "do you want me to hit you"?  She offered no response. 

I know crazy, but they were in this dangerous, toxic, abusive dynamic together. 

Worthy of note, before they got together, Celeste was a successful attorney, hardly one would consider weak.

But slowly, Perry began an insidious method of isolating her from friends, family, she quit her job and soon became 100% dependent on him.

That is when the mental abuse escalated. 

Anyway, I will say no more, I just hope you will watch the film, and consider leaving sooner rather than later. 

Edited April 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, jeanine1995 said:

Thank you all for the replies. It is rather hard now to do anything, since we are quarantined at home all day. I have taken some precautionary measures: I've spoke about some aspects of this situation with my close family and my best friend, I left my home address to my best friend in case something happens she has it saved in her phone and I also have savings that would allow me to move out when/if quarantine is over. I have to tell you, at the beginning I was so surprised and unused to this rel. evolving so fast! Now I've done my fair share of reading about why this is actually dangerous. I fell really really hard for my partner when I first met him. My feelings for him were really strong and I still have them. He is the first ever partner I have ever moved in with and been this close. I really hoped it to be good... 

If he "love bombed" you, that can be a really dangerous sign. The first guy I ever dated was like that-love bombing, making me feel I was so important and special. I was a kid who already had crap self esteem, so I ate all that up.
The first unkind word, I started trying harder. If I was just a better girlfriend, more fun, looked better, did more he would go back to being the kind and loving guy he'd been before.
That never happened.
Then he started blaming me outright, and again, I kept trying even harder. Then he hit me. I was in such a bad place, I felt I deserved it. That's when he knew I was trapped, and it just got worse and worse. I was lucky I had my parents to help me get out. I finally saw that no matter what I did, he would still be who he was.
An abuser.

I'm not saying for sure this guy would ever physically hurt you, but emotional wounds can hurt just as much. You can do so much better.than him, especially if having a  family is in your future.
It sounds like you have made some wise moves- I was so concerned when I read ow he;s tried to isolate you form your friends- do not let him do that! People like him need their partner to be dependent on them and to see their self worth reflected only in them. Don;t let him do that to you.
 

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, jeanine1995 said:

Haven't watched it yet, thank you very much for the recommendation! 

 

I mean, I have many doubts about my behaviour as well - do I simply attract this kind of temper? Where am I wrong and how can it get fixed? Am I over-reacting? Am I too bossy as a person?

It may be hard to watch with him around, don't risk it needlessly.

Where I live police and other services are well aware that those in abusive relationships are particularly vulnerable in these times.  And exceptions to distancing etc. are made for their situations.

Don't think for a moment that your behavior is the cause of this, people like this work long and hard to blame you.   

Again this is text book abuser behavior...they make you feel (or outright say) it's your fault I hit you, if you didn't do this or that I wouldn't get so upset, if you were just more supportive, you don't understand, I'm sorry and wont do it again...repeat.  Don't loose sight of the fact that his behavior is complexly unreasonable and denigrating and completely disproportionate to anything you have done.

You are also going through and questioning yourself in the way most victims of such abuse do.  Standing up to his jealous accusations, and wanting to have a career and life is not bossy.

You are not over reacting.  You are not wrong, the way to fix the situation is to get away from him. 

Seriously think where you could go and what stuff of yours you would need to take, then want to take.  I know this is hard (wish I didn't) but can you make an essential go bag (passport, wallet, keys, phone, computer, medicines, etc.) and have it in a place he cant prevent you from getting it and so you can run out if needed.   

Can you set up daily check ins and code words with friends so you can let them know if something is going wrong?  To call the police for a wellness check if not?

Do you know if you can record him without his permission?  Do you know how to stream it to someone else or save it to their cloud so he can't force you to delete it?  Ask a lawyer how bad is it even if it is illegal to record someone without permission, especially when you do it because you fear abuse.  I suspect if you can legally record, how he acts would be enough to get a restraining or other order.

Can your friends and family do some leg work for you, do the research on cluster B disorders for you, help you find a therapist, and an attorney?

Part of the psychology here is abusers isolate you, try to make you feel powerless, that no one will believe you, and that what is happening is partly your fault..

You are not powerless.  People will believe you.  You are not alone.  You are not at fault. 

Your only "faults" are trusting someone to be a decent person, and not having the psychological training to spot an abuser.  Any one who gives you "it takes two to tango" BS has no experience with abusers and the abused.  It is complete BS, the abuser makes and maintains the problem, it is not you, nothing you do will stop the abuse or change him.

I can't emphasize enough how this behavior you are seeing is dangerous.  As you have already observed, it keeps escalating, getting more controlling.

Edited April 23, 2020 by SumGuy

[jeanine1995]

For a while I have not spoken about this to anyone, not even my closest friend. But the thing is I've never experienced any sort of relationship like this before. I was very prudent in creating links with people, since I witnessed my mom be unhappy with my dad all her life. I attached myself very hard to people. But I had no problem with anyone around me. People really like me at my workplace, I have very good relations with my fam, his fam, my friends... He's the only one I ever had to fight in my life honestly. So I kind of understand that the problem does not come from me...but I still can't help but wonder. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

He is a manipulative jerk who is trying to isolate you.  As soon as quarentine is lifted you have to get out of this.  Breaking up with him is the only way to show that you are strong & independent.  

 

For now ignore his insults & accusations. You know the truth -- that you are loyal & honest.  Stop sticking up for yourself while you are trapped in this house during the pandemic.  Instead your new mantra is think what you want; I know the facts won't persuade you otherwise so I don't care anymore.  Then go about your business.  
 

Be safe & smart.  Don't antagonize him by engaging with him when he accuses you.  Just say, "no you're wrong;  I didn't do that", but otherwise don't fight back.  Hopefully he'll get tired of ranting when you aren't taking the bait.  Then get rid of him as soon as you can.  

 

Edited April 23, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Els]

Dude sounds straight up abusive, frankly. There is a big difference between forgiving a minor flaw in a partner, and continuously forgiving behavior this egregious in a man who has little inclination to change.

You need to get out yesterday.

[pepperbird]

There's a reason people like him isolate their partners. At first, I mistook that possessiveness for love. Look how much he loves me! He wants me all to himself!
Yeah right. He wanted me to feel so alone, so dependent on him I wouldn't fee I had any choice but to stay. If I was isolated, it would be harder for me to get help to leave, and even darker, he would become the measure of my self worth.

The thing is, it happens slowly and you don't even notice it a first. You're smart to take stock the way you are. Listen to your get feelings-what are they telling you? Trust that inner instinct.

[poppyfields]

 

20 hours ago, jeanine1995 said:

He's the only one I ever had to fight in my life honestly. So I kind of understand that the problem does not come from me...but I still can't help but wonder. 

Jeanine, I'm so curious, and a bit disturbed tbh, why you think "you" are the problem here. 

Do you feel you provoke his abuse in some way?  How so, can you give us examples of things you have done or not done that you believe provoke him?

You're not alone, many abuse victims feel as you do, the abuser wants you to feel this way, it's part of his insidious method of controlling you.