I feel unappreciated and belittled

[jeanine1995]

Well, I've been very constant on repeating how work-related matters are important to me and how that is not going to change. I've been constant in telling him that these fights make me feel really hurt. And I once snapped out of the blue, when he congratulated me on something work-related, saying that he was happy for me. I just snapped and told him that he's lying and he's not happy for me. 

[jeanine1995]

I also have this thing I've been doing for all my life and I'm not really sure it's the best way to handle things. When I'm hurt by someone, I just keep to myself. I don't feel like talking, I just need to be quiet for a while. I don't slam doors or make rude noises or anything, I just like to not get carried away by anger and just...be silent. 

But it really drives him crazy when I do that. If I'm silent, I do it to ignore him and hurt him on purpose. That's what he says. 

[poppyfields]

41 minutes ago, jeanine1995 said:

I also have this thing I've been doing for all my life and I'm not really sure it's the best way to handle things. When I'm hurt by someone, I just keep to myself. I don't feel like talking, I just need to be quiet for a while. I don't slam doors or make rude noises or anything, I just like to not get carried away by anger and just...be silent. 

But it really drives him crazy when I do that. If I'm silent, I do it to ignore him and hurt him on purpose. That's what he says. 

So in your mind, this justifies him isolating you from friends and family, demanding you delete friends from social media, not trusting you, essentially accusing you of cheating, belittling your work before an important work presentation, initiating fights with you for no good reason, etc etc? 

Sorry I'm not quite understanding your thought process as none of what you describe doing warrants the type of mental and emotional abuse he's inflicting on you. 

This man has really done a number on your head, hasn't he; I'm actually frightened for you now. 

Edited April 24, 2020 by poppyfields

[NomiMalone]

When you leave him, chances are he’ll accuse you of leaving him for another man you already had lined up, or of already cheating (he might even mention the interns!) No amount of logical explaining on your part will make him see the truth. Prepare yourself for it. Start quietly looking for a place to move out to now, whether it be moving in temporarily with friends/family or taking up a new rental. You seem like a strong, intelligent person OP,  I’m sure you’ll make the right choices for yourself.

Edited May 2, 2020 by NomiMalone

[preraph]

Abusers are skilled at making you think you're to blame.  That's what they're all about.  There are a billion men in this world.  Find one who isn't against all your goals and abusing you !

 

Rent yourself a small apartment right near where you work.  Start taking things over there as soon as he leaves for work, assuming he works.  Tell your family not to let him know where you live.  Get over him being someone you loved when you were too young and dumb to know better!  You were in love with love.  He isn't who you hoped he would be and you know it.

Edited May 3, 2020 by preraph

[preraph]

Understand that your modeling for relationships is knowing how to be with a man that makes you unhappy, because that was your mother.  That is familiar to you.  Time to rebel against that.  That's no way to live.

[stillafool]

OP you two are incompatible and he  is abusive to you.  I don't understand why you aren't seeing this or why you are still with him.  You aren't his wife so there is no good reason to put up with him even during this quarantine which will be over soon.  You are wasting time with him when you could be with a man who is compatible and makes you happy.  Having a man around is not worth what you're putting yourself through.

[spiderowl]

On 4/23/2020 at 7:45 PM, jeanine1995 said:

For a while I have not spoken about this to anyone, not even my closest friend. But the thing is I've never experienced any sort of relationship like this before. I was very prudent in creating links with people, since I witnessed my mom be unhappy with my dad all her life. I attached myself very hard to people. But I had no problem with anyone around me. People really like me at my workplace, I have very good relations with my fam, his fam, my friends... He's the only one I ever had to fight in my life honestly. So I kind of understand that the problem does not come from me...but I still can't help but wonder. 

 

 

I doubt you are doing anything to bring this upon yourself other than being a normal friendly person.

One very good way to find out if it is you or him is to separate. I don’t think you need to do this to find out but it looks like you need to do it to get out of this demoralising trap. 

Think about this: you have something important planned for the next day for work. You are responsible, creative, energetic. Your partner should be wishing you good luck, maybe telling you what a great organiser you are - in other words, being supportive and positive. Instead, the night before he engages in a battle with you over it. You find yourself having to justify what would have been normal, to explain that you are not trying to hurt him. Your night is spent on this energy-draining exercise. You feel guilty if you still go ahead. You feel hurt and possibly angry, certainly upset and demoralised. You wonder if it is all worth it. Day by day, your energy, creativity and spark is eaten up by the pointlessness of even trying to do the right thing.

Speaking from experience, do not continue in a relationship where your partner destroys your energy like this. It is not right and it will not stop until you comply, unless you get out.

Edited May 3, 2020 by spiderowl