Ah did I do the right thing!

[Confused998]

Please help. ive posted before about AP and my history so ill spare the details. Usual story, fell in love never felt like this before etc etc

I’ve tried to end it multiple times. He always assures me he’s serious about me and loves me and it’s just bad timing etc etc. 

6 weeks ago I ended it (again) Right before we went into lockdown. He persisted and told me he wanted to be with me, we just need to make a plan, can’t imagine my life without you in it, etc etc 

we are in lockdown now so haven’t seen each other since, I said we can still talk When possible during lockdown and afterwards, we need to have a conversation about the future before anything happens so that I know where I stand. He agreed.
we were talking on messenger the other day and he mentioned buying a house as interest rates are dropping at the moment - that stung 

Then today, his wife is in a coffee group with me and we have a group chat. She said the same thing and said that he was the one who had been actively pushing the idea with her, sending her links to houses he liked and setting up an phone appt with a mortgage broker. 

i lost it, waited til I time that I knew he’d be alone and messaged him saying What I knew and that “actions speak louder than words, you’ve basically told me everything I need to know”. I’ve now blocked him on every channel except the one group chat we are both part of as that would look suspect. He didn’t have chance to reply.

while I know it was unfair of me to block him without giving him chance to reply I didn’t want him to suck me in again and make up some dumb excuse . Please tell me I did the right thing? I already want to unblock!!! 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Breathe. Take a few deep breaths. Give yourself 48 hours before you unblock. See how you feel about it then. Keep posting here meanwhile. 

[BaileyB]

You did the right thing. They just had a baby together. They are now doing what couples do, buying a home together. 

It’s time to excuse yourself from their marriage. Do it for your own well-being. Good luck.

[pepperbird]

6 hours ago, Confused998 said:

Please help. ive posted before about AP and my history so ill spare the details. Usual story, fell in love never felt like this before etc etc

I’ve tried to end it multiple times. He always assures me he’s serious about me and loves me and it’s just bad timing etc etc. 

6 weeks ago I ended it (again) Right before we went into lockdown. He persisted and told me he wanted to be with me, we just need to make a plan, can’t imagine my life without you in it, etc etc 

we are in lockdown now so haven’t seen each other since, I said we can still talk When possible during lockdown and afterwards, we need to have a conversation about the future before anything happens so that I know where I stand. He agreed.
we were talking on messenger the other day and he mentioned buying a house as interest rates are dropping at the moment - that stung 

Then today, his wife is in a coffee group with me and we have a group chat. She said the same thing and said that he was the one who had been actively pushing the idea with her, sending her links to houses he liked and setting up an phone appt with a mortgage broker. 

i lost it, waited til I time that I knew he’d be alone and messaged him saying What I knew and that “actions speak louder than words, you’ve basically told me everything I need to know”. I’ve now blocked him on every channel except the one group chat we are both part of as that would look suspect. He didn’t have chance to reply.

while I know it was unfair of me to block him without giving him chance to reply I didn’t want him to suck me in again and make up some dumb excuse . Please tell me I did the right thing? I already want to unblock!!! 

wait a minute here...
he's lying to you, lying to his wife and treating you both really shabbily, and you're worried about  being unfair to HIM?
I find it especially concerning that he does what he does and lies with such ease. I get people lie for all sorts of reasons, but they are usually at least a bit uncomfortable with it- this guy seems just fine. It makes me wonder what else he's up to.
 

Edited April 23, 2020 by pepperbird

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

wait a minute here...
he's lying to you, lying to his wife and treating you both really shabbily, and you're worried about  being unfair to HIM?
I find it especially concerning that he does what he does and lies with such ease. I get people lie for all sorts of reasons, but they are usually at least a bit uncomfortable with it- this guy seems just fine. It makes me wonder what else he's up to.
 

He’s cheating on his pregnant wife... this man doesn’t seem to have much of a conscious at all. 
You really have to ask YOURSELF OP, why you have decided to trust this man? Why you would put his needs and feelings ahead of your own? Ahead of your family - your children. 
I would sggest that you use this time during lockdown to do some serious reassessment. You have really lost your way...

Edited April 23, 2020 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

This is par for the course.
Married his HS sweetheart.
"virgin" marriage.
She gets pregnant, the sex probably stops or slows down.
He gets frustrated and horny, he starts looking around for an affair partner.
Enter Confused998, coworker, bored in an unhappy marriage. Perfect. 
BUT she needs "love" she needs reassurance.
He is happy to oblige in exchange for sex and attention.
However she is not his main focus, that is his wife and child.
He strings her along.
Confused998 is fun and fantasy to him. 
He is weak, he tells her what she wants to hear to keep her around.
But as for anything serious and permanent?
A cheating wife and her kids?
FUN yes.
A serious future?
No way.
He thus makes plans for a future with his wife and for their kids, as that is where he wants to be, that is where his responsibility lies.

This is often the lot of the OW.
She spends her life dreaming of a time when the affair turns "real" when they are out in the open when they become a proper couple.
He just gets on with living his life.
Kids, holidays, houses, promotions, business deals, what ever he wants to do.
His life moves forward, her life is always on hold.
Waiting...

[BaileyB]

The worst part about this scenario is, even if you do walk away... you will forever watch their lives progress because you are on the same Darin chat group, same coffee chat group with his wife. Talk about torturous. 

Not sure how you expected there to be a “happy ending” here....

[Lurker123]

Confused- let me tell you that you have 100% done the right thing. Your story is very similar to mine (I think I have said that before) the constant rollercoaster of the married man who says he loves you, wants a life with you, please don’t give up on me... blah blah. The fact is you’ve heard it all before- and you will keep hearing it time and time again- until YOU end it.

So you have now heard it from BOTH him and his wife that they will be buying a new house together. I’m not sure what other evidence you need that he won’t be leaving- buying a house is almost a bigger commitment than a marriage! If he’s planning on leaving- why tie himself into another commitment with this woman who he doesn’t want to be with? Yes, understandably lockdown makes things more difficult for you to see him- but if he genuinely wanted out of this marriage and to be with you- buying a house would be the last damn thing on his mind. 
 

There is no way forward from this. Trust me I’ve been there. He will keep spinning you the same old rubbish over and over again and as long as you are willing to take it he won’t leave. If you block him and that doesn’t make him realise what he’s missing and force his hand to walk away from this marriage- then that tells you everything you need to know. Even if you block him, he will find a way to tell you if that is the case. If he chooses you and walks away- then he will find you and he will tell you. 

 

Im not sure how much of your life you have wasted on this guy already- but please... don’t waste a second more. I know it’s hard, I know it’s complete s*** and he will be the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing before you go to sleep. You will think of him constantly throughout the day and you will find yourself randomly crying and days when you just want to get out of bed- but haven’t you had days like that anyway whilst in contact with him? The best thing you can do for yourself, your mental wellbeing and your future is keep him blocked, this is possibly the hardest time to do this, as you can’t go out and distract yourself, but use the time to see it as a reflection period where you work on yourself.

 

im speaking from experience and someone who knows exactly how you feel. You’re not alone- I promise you’re not- if you need to talk, rant, shout, come on here and we will see you through it. 

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Confused998 said:

while I know it was unfair of me to block him ...

Maybe it's just me, but your sense of fairness seems extremely skewed here, and in the wrong direction. Whatever happened to being fair to you?

You are indeed wise to block him and spare yourself his baloney and more distress. It's pretty clear that's all you're going to get by continuing with this.

Time to face the music.

[pepperbird]

I find it especially repugnant that he knows this will all get back to your ears because you and his wife are in some of the same circles. Does he think that;s funny somehow? I expect it makes him feel like the cock of the walk to know he's got two women on a string. One who doesn't know it and one who does. Both deserve so much better.

[lifeoflies]

15 hours ago, Confused998 said:

I’ve now blocked him on every channel except the one group chat we are both part of as that would look suspect. He didn’t have chance to reply.

the group chat is where you can surreptitiously connect.  So you remain just to be friends with his wife? Really?  if you are serious, get off the group chat.  how would that look "suspect"?

I'm not being harsh

Edited April 23, 2020 by lifeoflies

[Confused998]

Hello everyone and thanks for your replies! 
 

update - last night he emailed me from his work email to mine (massive no-no and against the “rules”)! He said he “Always likes to look at houses, it’s nothing” and “I hope you didn’t read to much into anything, that would be silly” he ended by saying we should talk this through, I haven’t replied. 

[Findingfreedom]

Dear confused,

       He is lying to you to keep you there! Please believe me. I have the same story as you. It’s 8 years ago it started.... it’s been over for a long time now..... but he never came looking for me after I blocked him yet he found a way to contact me and I finally woke up and realized it was just sex. Don’t tell

me it’s more for you because I felt the same way.we were more than lovers or so I thought! We couldn’t go a day without talking... we spent every free minute together... we want to the movies, and skiing and broadway shows and you name it.... but when it blew up... he protected himself. The devastation and humiliation I felt knowing he used me made me almost suicidal. he is still with her and his kids that are both away in college. He has no excuses to be there yet there he is. Every once in awhile he will text me from random numbers to ask if I want to meet up.... it’s so demeaning and disgusting he makes me sick... 
please keep him blocked and end the friendship with the wife. Just do it!! Please!!!

Edited April 24, 2020 by Findingfreedom

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Confused998 said:

He said he “Always likes to look at houses, it’s nothing” and “I hope you didn’t read to much into anything, that would be silly” he ended by saying we should talk this through, I haven’t replied. 

That's what he says. You should probably give it time to play out and see what actually happens. House shopping often takes a while as finances, timing, inspections, competing offers, etc all come into play. In the meantime, wife's got pregnancy/baby keeping her occupied and he's got... well, you, IF you allow that.

Nothing's ever guaranteed, but marriage, baby, house together IS one of the more common life sequences. For me, I wouldn't be putting any money on him separating from his wife anytime soon.

Even if he's actually serious (and I'd be shocked if he was) - you're really ok with him leaving his pregnant wife and/or infant to be with you? Really?

[DKT3]

I always find it when married women complain about their AP treatment of them when they are doing worst to their husbands. 

You did the right thing,  it would be perfect if your husband had the same information and opportunity to make decisions about the direction of his life.

[Buffer]

Hi young lady, 

How can you think he needs a right of reply. He is cheating on his BS who has just recently had a child, and you think he is going to be honest with you?

Cheaters lie, they lie a lot, will continue to lie to get what they want, sex, lots of it and not restricted. Of course he is going to say, it is just nothing. Can you really see him leaving his wife and child after or during purchasing a home? Sorry he is just gaslighting you. No contact means that no contact, delete him from all chats and email groups. He will just sucker you back into bed. 
Strength to you, respect ✊ yourself, at the end of the day you are who you are. 
one day at a time.

Buffer

Sorry I didn’t know you had a BS as well. Think of your feelings if all of this was reversed and BS was the Wayward and you were none the wiser. Get tested for STDs, the contentious decision to tell BS so he can make the decisions to be tested for STDs as well as healing himself. Well that’s on you and your integrity. I couldn’t keep that a secret for life if I was to remain in a marriage. 
but that is just me and my values.

Buffer

Edited April 24, 2020 by Buffer
New information

[pepperbird]

13 hours ago, Confused998 said:

Hello everyone and thanks for your replies! 
 

update - last night he emailed me from his work email to mine (massive no-no and against the “rules”)! He said he “Always likes to look at houses, it’s nothing” and “I hope you didn’t read to much into anything, that would be silly” he ended by saying we should talk this through, I haven’t replied. 

 I don't even know him an I want to give him an earful for how he's treating you. I bet he;s got some smug grin on his face when he sent that. it needs to be wiped off.

[pepperbird]

11 hours ago, Findingfreedom said:

Dear confused,

       He is lying to you to keep you there! Please believe me. I have the same story as you. It’s 8 years ago it started.... it’s been over for a long time now..... but he never came looking for me after I blocked him yet he found a way to contact me and I finally woke up and realized it was just sex. Don’t tell

me it’s more for you because I felt the same way.we were more than lovers or so I thought! We couldn’t go a day without talking... we spent every free minute together... we want to the movies, and skiing and broadway shows and you name it.... but when it blew up... he protected himself. The devastation and humiliation I felt knowing he used me made me almost suicidal. he is still with her and his kids that are both away in college. He has no excuses to be there yet there he is. Every once in awhile he will text me from random numbers to ask if I want to meet up.... it’s so demeaning and disgusting he makes me sick... 
please keep him blocked and end the friendship with the wife. Just do it!! Please!!!

All that speaks volumes about him and who he is at heart. You're smart to have left him in the dust.

[sandylee1]

He isn't doing anything that you aren't really. I know you may justify it with you not being in a happy marriage, but that's neither here nor there. You're both cheating....some might say if you're a mum and you cheat with a man who has a pregnant wife it's so much worse,  because as a woman you know what it's like. 

You're both on a level, but you did the right thing in blocking him.

You can put the group chat on mute, then exit after a while,  but I suspect you'll always want to know what's going on with him and his wife.