Is he playing me or am I paranoid

[Shortblondie83]

Has anyone else ever experienced a male telling you that the reason he’s been distant towards you is because he’s depressed? I don’t want to be too cold, but I’m having some doubts. He was so eager to chat, wanting to get together. Always overly excited. But slowly he’s become quiet, going days without talking to me. I’ve had to do the reaching out. I don’t know what triggered this. I’ve questioned him. Told him his behavior concerned me. Reminded him what I was looking for. Told him if it wasn’t the same, to respect that we should part ways. He responded to me that it’s not me. He has said he wants the same thing as I do with me, and not to worry. Explained to me that he’s feeling low, and has for awhile... but recently it’s become worse. I offered to openly listen to whatever is going on with him with no judgement, so I could better understand him. He’s vague and changes topics. Keeps promising me we’ll talk, but never does. His actions, or lack thereof, makes me feel differently. I’ve been trying to be sensitive to the fact he told me he’s been feeling terrible and that it’s not me. I’ve just got a gut feeling that maybe he’s hiding something. Something doesn’t feel right. Maybe he’s seeing someone else? He’s not ready to end with me quiet yet, as he’s not sure what he wants? Is he using possible depression as an excuse?   Is this a possible red flag he’s playing me, or am I being selfishly paranoid? 

[basil67]

You have no way of knowing if what he's telling you is the truth.  Yes, he may be depressed.  He could have lost interest in the relationship.  He could be lazy now that he feels he's caught you.  Or he could have another woman.   All you can do is look at the facts - and the fact is that he's pulling away.

If I were you, I'd work on the theory that he's telling you the truth.   Tell him that you are not willing to accept this in a relationship and if he wants to continue with you, he must seek help for himself.   Of course, only say this if you're willing to walk away if he does nothing to help himself.     I know it's some tough love to him, but there's no reason to believe that he will come out of this without some effort on his part.

 

[JTSW]

Sounds to me like he has lost interest.

[lifeoflies]

Its possible that he is sad.  clinical depression is diagnosed, in part, buy the frequency and duration of symptoms.  I dont think he is "playing you".  He thinks he's depressed.  For me it was this feeling of being in over my head and the certain knowledge that this is not going to end well.

[smackie9]

No I have never had a guy say that....but if a guy ever did, it would be a bubbbbbbye! I have no time for Debbie Downers.

[stillafool]

I bet the majority of the country is "a bit depressed" right now so no surprise there.  The fact that he won't elaborate tells me he could be using depression as an excuse to pull away from you or he is genuinely depressed about another girl.  I would leave him to his depression until he contacts you to explain.

[d0nnivain]

In normal times I'd say he was on his way out & this was his way of letting you down gently.  Sort of a twist on it's not you, it's me.  

With the pandemic & the lockdown that could be a factor. You won't know until it's possible to see each other again but I would not get my hopes up 

[preraph]

Doesn't really matter if you believe him or not.  Go any further, and you're just trying to make him into something he's not and fix him, which does not work.  Move on to the next one and find one who is ok as is and doesn't need fixing.  This one isn't functioning for whatever reason, it's above your pay grade, so adios him.  

[Shortblondie83]

13 hours ago, JTSW said:

Sounds to me like he has lost interest.

I am aware of this possibility. I appreciate your time of providing your input, truly. 

 

[Shortblondie83]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

You have no way of knowing if what he's telling you is the truth.  Yes, he may be depressed.  He could have lost interest in the relationship.  He could be lazy now that he feels he's caught you.  Or he could have another woman.   All you can do is look at the facts - and the fact is that he's pulling away.

If I were you, I'd work on the theory that he's telling you the truth.   Tell him that you are not willing to accept this in a relationship and if he wants to continue with you, he must seek help for himself.   Of course, only say this if you're willing to walk away if he does nothing to help himself.     I know it's some tough love to him, but there's no reason to believe that he will come out of this without some effort on his part.

 

I highly respect your input and advice. I agree, I have no way of knowing what the real truth is at this time. Time will tell. I just don’t want to be wasting my time and put too much energy into a dead end. I will certainly take your advice. I will take a kinder approach, and give him space and put my energy into what is more productive. I figure if he truly lost interest or is occupied with something else, it’s a subtle way to end it with no full honesty from him nor real closure for our relationship.That’s okay with me, my life will go on. If this is not what he desires, perhaps the space will give him time to figure out his situation. I do appreciate one perspective that I did not think of, him possibly being lazy now that he thinks he caught me. If so, he will learn his complacent behavior will not keep me. 

Edited April 23, 2020 by Shortblondie83

[Shortblondie83]

6 hours ago, lifeoflies said:

Its possible that he is sad.  clinical depression is diagnosed, in part, buy the frequency and duration of symptoms.  I dont think he is "playing you".  He thinks he's depressed.  For me it was this feeling of being in over my head and the certain knowledge that this is not going to end well.

Yes, I think it is a possibility he’s truly struggling through depression. Reason I have tried a softer approach rather than wig out on him and accuse. Just tried to address the issues I was feeling from his distance, and giving him the floor to voice himself but he’s not willing. Trying to be sensitive to this matter, but also don’t want to be duped. 

Edited April 23, 2020 by Shortblondie83

[Shortblondie83]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

No I have never had a guy say that....but if a guy ever did, it would be a bubbbbbbye! I have no time for Debbie Downers.

Understandable if one would. Life is too short, and no one can help those who won’t help themselves. I just don’t want to jump too quick, if someone is just going through a hard time. 

[Shortblondie83]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

I bet the majority of the country is "a bit depressed" right now so no surprise there.  The fact that he won't elaborate tells me he could be using depression as an excuse to pull away from you or he is genuinely depressed about another girl.  I would leave him to his depression until he contacts you to explain.

Thank you for advice, I will be stepping back and putting my efforts where it is more productive. Giving him space to sort out whatever he’s going through, if he is depressed. If and when he’s ready, he’ll reach out. If its not, and its his cowardly way to pull away and not be mature and upfront with me, so be it. If he’s genuinely depressed about another girl, he should not be putting himself available on the market as it’s clear he’s emotionally not available. 

[Shortblondie83]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

In normal times I'd say he was on his way out & this was his way of letting you down gently.  Sort of a twist on it's not you, it's me.  

With the pandemic & the lockdown that could be a factor. You won't know until it's possible to see each other again but I would not get my hopes up 

You are absolutely right that might be possible, the lame “it’s not you, it’s me” approach. The funny thing is, I’ve given him a way out. I said I would give him space if he needed. He could of taken that, and I would leave him be and we would be done if he wanted it.  He responded back that he needed to sort things out. That he can’t cope right now. And gave me “it’s not you, it’s me” line. Despite that he doesn’t seem to want me to back off from his response, I’m going to as it’s the best solution anyway I look at it. 

[Shortblondie83]

4 hours ago, preraph said:

Doesn't really matter if you believe him or not.  Go any further, and you're just trying to make him into something he's not and fix him, which does not work.  Move on to the next one and find one who is ok as is and doesn't need fixing.  This one isn't functioning for whatever reason, it's above your pay grade, so adios him.  

Nah, I have no intention of fixing him. Not sure how you interpreted that. That’s a waste of my energy, it would simply be pointless. No one can fix or change someone else, one can only fix or change themselves if they felt they needed to be fixed or changed. If that was my intention, I would have no business dating him. It would mean he’s not for me. He should be with someone who accepted him for who he is. Nothing about him I wanted to fix.  We were fine prior to his change in behavior. Its simply knowing whether I need to leave him be, or be patient with him and not be paranoid of possibilities. 

[Malin889]

Have you guys been together a long time or is this a new relationship? How well do you know him? Has he done this before? Did he actually say that he "can't cope"? 

[lifeoflies]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

I bet the majority of the country is "a bit depressed" right now so no surprise there. 

Amen to that.  Going to the grocery store is like heading into the "Death Zone"  Everyone wearing surgical masks.  It's surreal

[Shortblondie83]

3 hours ago, Malin889 said:

Have you guys been together a long time or is this a new relationship? How well do you know him? Has he done this before? Did he actually say that he "can't cope"? 

No the relationship has not been long enough for me to know him 100%, but long enough for me to know something is off. We were very verbal as to what we were looking for, and we were building towards what we talked about. Initially, we were on the same page, so I thought. His new behavior has only been  going on the recent months. I have taken account what has been going worldwide, but he’s not willing to disclose to me what is the root of him being distant. So I have felt stuck in limbo. And yes, he did say he can’t cope. Why? Am I missing something? What are you thinking? 

Edited April 24, 2020 by Shortblondie83

[Malin889]

10 hours ago, Shortblondie83 said:

No the relationship has not been long enough for me to know him 100%, but long enough for me to know something is off. We were very verbal as to what we were looking for, and we were building towards what we talked about. Initially, we were on the same page, so I thought. His new behavior has only been  going on the recent months. I have taken account what has been going worldwide, but he’s not willing to disclose to me what is the root of him being distant. So I have felt stuck in limbo. And yes, he did say he can’t cope. Why? Am I missing something? What are you thinking? 

Oh, I don't know... when someone says "they can't cope", it just sounds like they're really down and out. Sounds like he's really going through a tough time. Maybe it has nothing to do with the pandemic, who knows. Unless he's used to going out all the time and he's really sad that he can't go out. Does he live alone? Have you guys not seen each other for awhile? Maybe he's just lonely, hence the "I can't cope". 

[smackie9]

15 hours ago, Shortblondie83 said:

Understandable if one would. Life is too short, and no one can help those who won’t help themselves. I just don’t want to jump too quick, if someone is just going through a hard time. 

I come from a generation that where everyone needs to suck it up, pull up their bootstraps and get on with it, there have been way worse things to be depressed about. My mother grew up during the depression so I was taught how to persevere through "unprecedented " times. That is one of the many things I love about my husband...he fights his way through everything, and is dependable in any crisis. You really need to be that way if you want a relationship to stay strong. He doesn't mope around. If he does need to lean on me he does...for a few moments, then it's onward upward.

Edited April 24, 2020 by smackie9

[Shortblondie83]

2 hours ago, Malin889 said:

Oh, I don't know... when someone says "they can't cope", it just sounds like they're really down and out. Sounds like he's really going through a tough time. Maybe it has nothing to do with the pandemic, who knows. Unless he's used to going out all the time and he's really sad that he can't go out. Does he live alone? Have you guys not seen each other for awhile? Maybe he's just lonely, hence the "I can't cope". 

Yes, he lives alone. No we haven’t seen each other, but we could FaceTime. He’s not interested. I don’t know why he won’t compromise with that. Only thing I can think of is that he has always told me he likes things organic and natural. 

[preraph]

He's either just messed up or not really interested.  It is what it is.  No reason to think otherwise. 

[Shortblondie83]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I come from a generation that where everyone needs to suck it up, pull up their bootstraps and get on with it, there have been way worse things to be depressed about. My mother grew up during the depression so I was taught how to persevere through "unprecedented " times. That is one of the many things I love about my husband...he fights his way through everything, and is dependable in any crisis. You really need to be that way if you want a relationship to stay strong. He doesn't mope around. If he does need to lean on me he does...for a few moments, then it's onward upward.

I completely understand that mentality, trust me I do. I have found it very helpful to get up and move-on. Others cope differently though. He’s British, so his upbringing maybe different. 

[smackie9]

lol England was bombed to bits during WWII. I think it has more to do with the constant miserable weather and the bland food they have there.

[Shortblondie83]

12 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

lol England was bombed to bits during WWII. I think it has more to do with the constant miserable weather and the bland food they have there.

Yes you are right, they were. Was meaning that I don’t know if his upbringing had the same mentality... pull yourself up by your bootstraps. He’s from a different country, different culture. He’s here in the States, so I don’t know how the weather there has to do with it.