My GirlFriend left me for my closest friend

[SomeDudeFromCanada]

Only a little over a month ago I was introduced to a girl by my closest friend, I quickly fell for her as she was pretty much my ideal girl. 
 

She had feelings for my friend but was reject by him, the only reason I even knew was because I was in between it all, having to both listen to each of their stories. A week after that incident I confessed to her and she said yes. We started dating and I would say we were happy with our relationship, thought I had doubts and questioned her feelings for him and me (she said she was over him but it felt like she was flirting with him at times in voice chats and even once said she liked his affection, told me it was a bromance between her and him.) but I overcame the anxiety and paranoia that came with it and I felt we were doing great, on the right track.
 

During the same week after only a little over a week of dating my friend (the same friend who rejected her) confessed to her, she told me and we talked it out, she admitted she wanted him loves him, but she told me that she likes him and me, but eventually as we talked, she choose him, leaving me, and for better or worse we hadn’t even told anyone we were dating yet, so my friend couldn’t have known, or probably even know we dated now.

It’s been 4 days since then and I feel lost, every time I see her on social media I feel hurt, I keep having negative thoughts and feel lonely and empty because I have little to no friends to talk to at all (only spoke to one, havent said anything to THAT friend for almost a week) Due to the quarantine I’ve just been locked up in my room all day talking to myself and hating myself, I’m young, only 16, I keep saying move on, it just takes time, you didn’t even know her for that long but I’m impatient and impulsive, I’ve started working out but it doesn’t really work and I keep going back to the thought of them dating and her no matter what I do. Should I cut my ties with her and or my friend, block them in social media (I feel like if a i do they might suspect something, I don’t wanna seem petty to them)? I feel like every time I think I’m moving on i just relapse and go back to a depressive state. What can I do, what do I do, I don’t wanna lose my closest friend but I just feel and think horrible emotions and things when ever I even have a glimpse of their profiles on social media. This has become really unhealthy for me and I’m desperate for help.

[goldengirl11]

Hi SDFC!

I'm really sorry to hear your situation and can remember all to well being your age, which for me was a very emotional time.

If I were you, I would try and keep a little distance from them both. Obviously the girl friend knows the situation and I can imagine that you'd want to tell the guy that he came between you both!

I'm guessing that if he rejected her initially, that he may not be that into her anyway tbh, so perhaps just try and see what happens? I understand that will probably be difficult for you though.

IF things don't work out between you and the girl though, I have to say that you are so very young (if nearly into adulthood) and will have lots more opportunities in the future!!

 

Take care 🙏

[preraph]

Oh, that hurts, and it makes it so awkward.  I have had something similar happen and it really hurt me, as an adult.  

Adults should know better than getting in the middle of things and hurting people.  But I have to say that when younger, boundaries and common sense were rare with me and my friends.  So only because you're all young, you do have to allow for that.  Maybe in 10 years, these same people would have been more careful and considerate.  But things are very emotional and change on a dime when you're young.  

 

For example, you knew she has a crush on him and you took advantage of him rejecting her, so in a way, you were the first to kind of get in the middle of a volatile situation.  And as a woman, I will just tell you that most girls and women are crushing on someone they have an eye on and there was never any reason (not that you'd know that) to assume she wasn't still hoping for him.  

 

I don't know what was going on in his mind, do you?  I mean, you said he rejected her.  So do you think he just got more interested as he got to know her a little or what?  But yeah, to me, it's a given she still would have a crush on him.  

 

Anyway, there's a little blame to go around here, but it's probably all rooted in just lack of experience and not knowing any better.  So try not to agonize over this or let it ruin your friendship or whatever it was with that guy unless you feel he has done other underhanded things.  Realize he may think you were underhanded grabbing her right after he rejected her, so you may be kind of even.  Her, I'd just distance yourself from.  At your age, there will be plenty more girls.  You don't need one who is involved with someone else.  Good luck.  Just lay low for awhile.  Don't act all mad at them so they don't focus on that because it will make you feel more awkward.  Just act normal but fade away from the girl and reserve interactions with the guy until things have cooled down.

[scooby-philly]

Not sure I'd say there's blame to go around here. At 16 I don't think the OP would be mature or experienced enough to understand that you need to wait a little while after someone gets rejected before expressing feelings - that is if you want something to work out in the long run.

OP (that means Original Poster) - @SomeDudeFromCanada - Sorry for your heartache. While it's easy for us adults to sit back here and say "you'll find other girls/women" - in the moment, when you're feeling the pain of rejection, the pain of unrequited love, it feels terrible. I'm 38 and just had the worst heartache of my life 8 months ago. So do not be ashamed of the feelings you have. And whatever you do do not be ashamed of expressing those emotions in a safe environment - to a good friend, a parent, a sibling, or an adult you know. As I said above - with age and experience you learn not to step over certain lines - like waiting after someone gets rejected (or after someone gets dumped or ends a marriage, etc.) before pursuing - because even as adults their emotions and psychology aren't stable. For now - focus on yourself and withdraw from them as best as you can. You don't want to ruin any future chance with her if things don't work out between her and your friend or ruin a friendship with him if you get mad, angry, etc. and do or say something foolish. Now, if you find out he was doing something underhanded that's another story - but let as best as you can just let it go for now. Time will sort things out. And as I tell everyone on here - embrace the pain. It's not fun, it's not easy, but it's the only way to grow and change and learn and become a better person. My buddy Beachead on here taught me a trick that's been helpful. Every day, even if you don't like writing - write or type out a journal. If you don't like writing type up an email and send it to yourself and store the emails in a folder in your inbox. You can make it a bullet point list and just repeat it every day, multiple times a day if you need to 1. Your Qualities 2. Your accomplishments and what you're proud of that you did (like telling her how you felt), 3. Your goals 4. The traits you want in a girl and 5. Things that were wrong with her or just vent out about her and your friend. Let it flow. Do it over and over and over again. In a month, two months, three months - you'll look back and have a bevvy of stuff to think about and see how much you've grown. And you'll maybe even help speed the healing process because you'll get tired of doing #5.

[Marc878]

Let both him and her go. Don’t waste your time on this.