I've been sleeping with a girl who has a boyfriend of 3 years

[Michael1996]

I met this girl named Fi 3 years ago. We kind of fancied eachother, but we lived in different cities, so we didn’t pursue anything.

A couple of months later, she got a boyfriend. I felt a little hurt, but I wasn’t all that bothered since nothing could’ve happened between us.

Three years later, I decided to text her, as I had moved to the same city as her. We got chatting away, and we went on a “friendly” date going bowling (she’s still in that same relationship btw).

We ended up sleeping together that very night. It became a thing where we were meeting up secretly every week or two, for 5-6 months.

At first, I will admit that I was only in it for a bit of fun, but after the first two dates, I ended up really liking her. You could say I set up a trap there for myself... She also admitted, however, that she also started having subtle feelings for me too.

You’d think she may not have felt fulfilled in her current relationship, which would make sense why she would cheat. But she’s been telling me she’s delighted in her ongoing relationship, and that she loves him, that she thinks he’s great overall and wouldn’t break up with him for any reason.

She wasn’t telling me this to make me jealous or anything; she was truthful about it. I could see it whenever they’d sometimes chat with each other on the phone when I was right next to her in bed right after we had had sex...

We haven’t met for about a month now because of the pandemic, but we have been talking quite seriously about this whole situation. She is contemplating never to see me again, which left me devastated.

Overall, I feel very hurt in this whole thing, even though I’m just her side thing and I know I kind of put myself in this situation. I feel kind of bad for the guy she’s in a relationship with. He has seen our texts from her phone before, three years ago. So he knows of me but doesn’t know me and her have been meeting up. She promised him she would stop texting me, that obviously didn’t happen.

I’ve been very tempted just to text the guy and tell him about everything, how much of a hoe an immature his girl is and has been seeing me for the past five months. I'd also mention to him that she has also cheated on him with some other guy she met on holiday, which she claims to feel guilty about too, but I feel like I’d be acting upon revenge, hate and hurt. And I know the news would devastate him.

The one thing that is stopping me from texting him is that it just feels evil to ruin what they have going, and I could potentially be ruining something good that they have.

I’m not here to be judged. This is my first time here, and I felt like sharing this as I’m going through quite a dark period in my life. This situation has been playing on repeat in my head 24/7 and it's making me more and more depressed and anxious by the day.

Thank you.

[Sunlight72]

I can understand how you could feel anxious about wanting yet not really having a full relationship with Fi, and be a bit panicky that she is going to drop you in order to keep her other boyfriend in her life, bed, and (?) home.  She has literally told you she is going to drop you.  Believe it.  In her mind she already has dumped you. 

Unfortunately you did this to yourself, as you also say.  You are doing this to yourself now and to her other boyfriend.  You didn't "end up sleeping together that very night" by chance.  You are a grown man.  You played and got what you wanted.

If you had respectable intentions, you would have invited her And Her Boyfriend Of Three Years to go bowling, and if he was busy you would have scheduled something when he was free.

I was almost a bit sympathetic until you said you think she's a hoe.  Puh-lease.  You knew of her relationship for 3 years before you decided to start having sex with her, you are not a victim.  Be an adult and at least speak with integrity even if you don't live with integrity.

Good news - you can do better and start making yourself into a more forthright man as of today.  You have had a month without meeting her - that's the best platform you are going to get for taking charge of your own life.  Choose what you want now.  Don't "let" her, or fate, or him finding out direct your life.  You can stand up and direct your own future.

It will hurt because it is a loss to you.  Reach out to other family and friends each time you want to reach out to her.  Use that pain each time you think of her to strengthen a bridge to a worthwhile friend or family member.

Edited April 23, 2020 by Sunlight72

[Difficultstuff]

It sounds like the best thing would just be to end it, go no contact and move on. That at least will give you some clarity and time to look after yourself a bit better. 

You're obviously feeling deeply emotionally involved, but everything you've said about her suggests there's no happy ending here. And you've let yourself be disrespected - her chatting to him while in bed with you is sickening to me. And currently you seem to be leaving it up to her what to do next.

I'm sorry, but this woman sounds like a very unpleasant person, to say the least, and it's hard to imagine she's got a good relationship with her boyfriend. But, as you say, you're her 'side thing', and it's none of your business. I understand the impulse but I wouldn't recommend having any contact with him at all - it could get very nasty for you.

I reckon you should exit this now with as much dignity as you can. That will hurt, given your feelings for her, but hopefully the lockdown will make it easier.

[BaileyB]

She was a poor choice for a relationship partner. She was not available to date which should have stopped you cold in your tracks. The other thing that should have given you pause is the fact that you know, for a fact, that she is not worthy of your trust. She has a problem with boundaries in relationships and has had other affairs during her relationship. 

Sure, he deserves to know what kind of woman he is dating but the time to tell him would have been when you first slept together - before you slept together - not now. It’s a little hypocritical to now pass judgment on this “hoe,” this woman who you’ve been sleeping with and who you would like to date - if she was available to date. No, you will look like a fool - the scorn lover, feeling bitter and seeking revenge because you can’t have what you want... That’s not cool.

Consider this a learning experience. In the future, don’t dip your nib in someone else’s ink. 

Edited April 23, 2020 by BaileyB

[Fletch Lives]

The best revenge is a new girlfriend - and get one who does not have a boyfriend this time.

[stillafool]

You've set yourself up to get hurt.  The mere fact that she is unavailable for you will make you want her more and create obsession.  She isn't gf material anyway because you see how she treats her current bf (having sex with you) while proclaiming to love him.  You may not be the only guy she plays with behind his back.  As far as telling the bf about her he probably already knows or suspects it but doesn't want to let her go.  Yes he deserves to know about you two but you would only be telling him out of revenge and bitterness so it will backfire.  Just leave her alone and find someone decent to date. 

[mark clemson]

Basically agreeing with the points made by others above.

 

2 hours ago, Michael1996 said:

She is contemplating never to see me again, which left me devastated.

The signs were all there, though, so you really can't call this a surprise. You are "fun and games" and probably not even a genuine plan B for her. You've served whatever function you were for her, and now she will likely discard and move on to the next. That appears to be the reality of the situation. She sounds like a bit of a female "user" to me. Having feelings for her just hurts you.

 

2 hours ago, Michael1996 said:

The one thing that is stopping me from texting him is that it just feels evil to ruin what they have going, and I could potentially be ruining something good that they have.

Seems like that's her job, no?

 

2 hours ago, Michael1996 said:

This situation has been playing on repeat in my head 24/7 and it's making me more and more depressed and anxious by the day.

Possibly you have limerence for her. You could research that, e.g. on Wikipedia and see if you think that's right. If so, be aware that it DOES fade, it just takes a lot longer than we'd like (months not weeks).

Whether or not it's limerence, I think the more fully you resolve to be completely done, go fully NC, and make it impossible to even contact/see her, the easier it will be for you. This can sometimes help the emotional centers in your brain "relax" and so lessen your distress.

If you go NC, beware any attempts by her to reach out as this will likely just re-trigger your emotions/distress, at least temporarily. Full NC is best in a situation like yours IMO. Once you've processed this emotionally, you can start a new and presumably much healthier relationship with someone else.

[WorldsSecondGreatestLover]

Hey young one, I normally lurk here but created an account specifically to reply to you.

I was in your exact situation about 30 years ago.  Do yourself a favor and walk away right now.  Is she telling you how she just can't choose, telling you how she's going to break up with him "this weekend" and never does?  Is she letting you know her relationship isn't fulfilling, but her relationship with you is?  If she's not yet, she'll start soon.  If she breaks up with you, you are going to start a nasty cycle of her telling you "we can't do this any more/I need you."

Here's what happened to me: I was in this weird situation for NINE MONTHS.  This was my first female experience too, which made me ten times as susceptible to womanly wiles.  Nine months, and at the end of it she finally realized I was the one who loved her more.  Then had second thoughts immediately and went back to her boyfriend.  Left me bitter and unable to trust anyone for YEARS (for all those BS's out there, enjoy the AP pain).

Get out of the situation.  Go away, ghost her.  You are only doing this because you're not a complete person-- you're insecure or otherwise mentally compromised, otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation.  She's also insecure or mentally compromised or she wouldn't be in this situation.  Two losers don't combine to make a win.  Together you're going to f*** up each other's lives and suck her poor BS into your whirlpool.

If she's made you fall in love with her, bear in mind that she's a bad person using her BS for her own selfish fulfillment-- and is doing the same with you.

Get out, ghost her, and tell the poor shlub what she's been doing.  Make yourself over into the kind of person who won't do this kind of thing and who isn't susceptible to being seduced by one of these.

Edited April 23, 2020 by WorldsSecondGreatestLover
Added line to illustrate extra WGF perfidity

[assertives]

Not sure why you are calling her an immature hoe as if knowingly sleeping with and messing around with someone's girlfriend is a mature and not trashy thing to do. You even said you were in it for a bit of fun. She has told you she's happy with her boyfriend and wouldn't break up with for anything, so it's not like she led you on. Both your intentions with each other were in sync in the beginning, but yours subsequently changed because you caught feelings, but her intentions remained the same. 

Let's be honest, you could care less that he was being cheated on, otherwise you would have shut it down the first time. Your intentions of telling on her is solely to retaliate and take revenge. That isn't going to help you heal, move on faster or feel better. I would just focus on healing and moving on from her. With the pandemic going on, now is actually a good time to work on cutting her out of your life and move on since you don't have to worry about situations like running into each other or being forced to see one another because you work together/near each other, etc which could potentially setting you back.

Edited April 24, 2020 by assertives

[sandylee1]

Blocking and ghosting her would be the best thing. She'll be wondering what happened to you.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 4/23/2020 at 10:08 AM, Michael1996 said:

she’s been telling me she’s delighted in her ongoing relationship, and that she loves him, that she thinks he’s great overall and wouldn’t break up with him for any reason.

She is contemplating never to see me again, which left me devastated.

This situation has been playing on repeat in my head 24/7 and it's making me more and more depressed and anxious by the day.

Believe her when she says she's staying with him. Don't let your mind convince you otherwise regardless of what you've shared with her.

Turn your frown upside down. It may hurt like heck right now, but eventually you will see the bullet you've dodged here.

I wouldn't tell the boyfriend. That's going to backfire on you in all kinds of bad ways. Hopefully he will come to know the truth about her sooner than later.

Also, if you think she's a slut (enough to tell her bf she is so he'll break up or at least fight with her), why would you want her? Isn't that saying he deserves better than a slut but you don't?

Edit: The best thing you can do for yourself is strict no contact followed by examining yourself to understand why you compromised yourself for "a bit of fun." Then work on that to make sure you don't compromise yourself again in the future. 

Edited April 25, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[salparadise]

15 hours ago, sandylee1 said:

Blocking and ghosting her would be the best thing. She'll be wondering what happened to you.

Yea, I agree. I usually wouldn't suggest ghosting, but she's seriously disrespecting you (not to mention the boyfriend) and I think she deserves it. She's treating you as if you count for nothing. She's a cake eater extraordinaire, selfish, without conscience. Even though you're the backdoor man, telling you that she intends to cut you off while keeping you on the string, is hurtful and manipulative. Also, you know exactly who she is and that you'd never trust her for a minute, so there's really only one way to escape this mess. Do unto her before she does unto you, and let her feel some rejection, ego slam, and telegraph that she's not all that and a bag of chips, such that you'd sacrifice your last ounce of dignity. Man, when you determine that a woman has no integrity and treats people like dirt, don't open your heart. It's just a matter of time until you'll be on the receiving end.

[ShyViolet]

Don't contact her boyfriend and tell him anything..... that would be very spiteful and vindictive of you.  Their relationship is their business and there's no need for you to get in the middle of it.

Nothing good can come of this fling that you have gotten yourself into... just stop talking to her.  Find yourself someone new who is actually available.