Was it a Breakup or Not?

[KBarletta]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Man, you have some suspense going here ... the story takes a surprising turn ... she calls! ... and then ... doesn't show up ... BTW dude: as much as you've been fretting about things with this woman, how in the world did you miss the call?! ... I guess you weren't expecting to hear from her. 

She called. Didn't leave a message. Then texted to say she was on her way over. Didn't show. I texted in the morning to see if she was OK and included the short, heartfelt message that I posted earlier. She responded by saying she was OK, that she wanted to come over to talk today, and that she loved me. I responded that it would be fine if she came over. Then, she responded about five minutes later saying her father's cell phone wasn't working (he's on her plan) and they had to get it fixed or get a new phone. He is a cancer survivor and lives alone and really needs the use of a phone in this situation. So she said she would call later after she got that situation resolved. I said OK. That's where things stand at the moment. 😉

[preraph]

I bet you're kind of glad you waited awhile now.  I hope you will let her talk first and see what she has to say and if she is sorry for anything or realized how crazy she was acting before you take blame for this.  Let her talk. 

[Tamfana]

23 hours ago, KBarletta said:

I don't disagree that saying that sounds final, and it's definitely rejecting. But it came in response to comments that I found equally final and rejecting. Honestly, how do you respond when someone rejects what you say with "I don't believe you"? That's pretty final, too, isn't it?

You say, why?  You try to find out what makes her think that.  Don't argue or defend, just keep trying to understand.  Asking questions from a place of caring solves lots of conflicts.  Feeling understood is part of feeling loved.  

Edited April 26, 2020 by Tamfana

[KBarletta]

12 minutes ago, Tamfana said:

You say, why?  You try to find out what makes her think that.  Don't argue or defend, just keep trying to understand.  Asking questions from a place of caring solves lots of conflicts.  Feeling understood is part of feeling loved.  

Good advice. Thanks. I think we both approached that conversation defensively. It's hard not to get defensive when someone is calling you a liar without reason, though, I'd say. 

[KBarletta]

35 minutes ago, preraph said:

I bet you're kind of glad you waited awhile now.  I hope you will let her talk first and see what she has to say and if she is sorry for anything or realized how crazy she was acting before you take blame for this.  Let her talk. 

Good advice, also. My plan is most definitely to let her talk. I don't plan to take the blame for it all, but I do intend to say that we both have to work on doing better. I acknowledged as much in my text. We did just have a brief 10 minute phone conversation earlier this morning that was mostly just chit-chat about our families, etc. Nothing heavy. I think that probably helped to defuse things a little bit. She is coming over this evening and I expect we will get heavier into the real conversation.

I don't want to blame the pandemic and lockdown for every bit of this, but I do think that it is probably at least 50 percent, maybe 75 percent, of the reason why this happened. If we were living together, there would be tensions but I feel like they would be more easily resolved when we could look at each other, hold each other, talk to each other face to face. We are usually much better able to resolve issues when we are in the same room.

So my plan actually is to propose that we try to remain in lockdown separately while still attempting to be together on occasion physically. I haven't been in closer than 6 feet with other humans for six weeks, she has only been in contact with her immediate family and has taken every possible precaution. So I've read about these plans to slowly ease isolation by establishing a group of 10 people and only 10 that you can be in physical proximity with, and those 10 can only be with the same 10. I may propose, assuming we emerge from this still together, that we establish rules for something like that so we can slowly go back to having something of a normal life, even if it's just within our two houses.

[KBarletta]

So she came over late last night and we talked for about an hour, very calmly. I would say it went well. I listened for the first few minutes, until she asked me to explain some of the things I said, which I did. She seemed to understand. We came to an understanding about future conflicts and how we both are comfortable responding to them, etc. We also both agreed that the unprecedented tension of this lockdown, along with all of the extenuating circumstances that I have faced, have made this far worse. We agreed that when our state begins to ease the lockdown restrictions (at the end of next week) that we would attempt to resume regular physical contact with each other, while still maintaining our distance with everyone else. 

Hoping all of these things help us move forward. I appreciate everyone's help. I feel like, like I said, I'm not sure that this would have come to a head as it did if not for the stress of the pandemic, but I am glad I have the folks on this board to offer constructive advice and just to be a sounding board. Much appreciated, again.

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[Tamfana]

That's great news.  Being able to work things out is a huge plus!  Congrats.