I was the toxic ex and I harassed him

[clarissa88]

It's been 3 months since I dumped my ex. He threatened to leave me, and then we ended up arguing for a week straight over small things and he had repeatedly lied about not being able to see me because he had work to do when he was going out with friends, and he changed our date nights so he could fit in his friends on the same night so I never felt like I was prioritised, so I left because I was afraid he would leave me soon anyway. I regretted it pretty much a few days later and we were trying to talk things through, I knew I had hurt him. This was my first relationship and the first time i'd experienced anything close to being in love. I know I've handled everything the wrong way, I didn't give him a single day of space in those months.

I cried and I poured my heart out, he told me he missed me every day and he loved me for about 3 weeks after the breakup until I found out he was on tinder and he was moving on without telling me, he also told me after 3 weeks he had 0 feelings for me and didn't think about me or the relationship as soon as I told him my friend saw him on tinder. After that I just lost it, he'd told me I was extremely special to him and I was different to anyone he had dated in his entire life so I was hurt that he couldn't tell me he was moving on and I was trying my hardest to fix my mistakes. We'd made plans to meet up and talk, but he ignored me the whole of that day and ended up going out with his friends without telling me he wasn't coming. It got to the point where i'd called him over 1000 times, i'd made a million fake accounts after he had blocked me over and over again and he said he wanted to report me for harassment. I can't even explain the regret I feel, I know my actions were extremely bad and I hate that he will always remember me for the way I've behaved.

I wish I could take it back, I never ever once thought in my life I could be so toxic and manipulative and harass someone. Due to lockdown I cant really speak to someone to get the help I need. I had also got to a good point where I had moved on after no contact for a while, and we spoke again and we both apologised for the hurtful things we had said and I told him how ashamed I am of myself for everything I've done because its so unhealthy and makes me seem mentally unstable, he said he forgave me and I said we just needed to cut all contact and he should keep me blocked.
A few days after that conversation he unblocked me, started watching my Instagram stories and interacting with my account and I guess it just brought back so much pain and I messaged him to ask why he had unblocked after we agreed to stay away, and he just said he felt bad and blocked me everywhere again. I made another account again because I was so angry that I had finally got to a point of moving on, we argued again worse than ever and i'd called him a few times and I clearly just hadn't learnt my lesson and he told me he didn't care about me at all and that he never wants to speak to me and i'm harassing him and guilt tripping him. I honestly wish I never did any of it, I wish I had just blocked him myself.

I never thought I could do any of the things I've done and im so incredibly ashamed, we spoke for the last time a few days ago and I tried to explain that i'm genuinely so sorry for harassing him when it was just never my intention, I was just hurt and couldn't understand why he told me im special repeatedly but moved on in weeks and felt nothing. I've never ever acted this way and I cant come to terms with how toxic I've been, I feel so incredibly guilty. He said he can't forgive or forget and I told him I understand completely and that i'm going to stay away forever. We haven't spoke in a few days and I have no intention on contacting him ever again because I really don't want to act the way I have again, it upsets me and hurts me that I did everything. I have cried every day for a week, I am so full of regret and im embarrassed and I don't ever want to act this way again and I just wish so bad I could take it all back. I really want to learn from this and never repeat it, I don't know why I ever did any of it and im just really really beating myself up and I know I deserve to feel this way.
I really want to change from this and learn so badly

Edited April 24, 2020 by clarissa88
Fix formatting

[Realitysux]

I did the exact same thing 😒. It doesn't feel good on either end of this. I have a physical job which is a blessing right now. I usually spend the time thinking about my reaction and why I did what I did but instead of just sitting with the discomfort, I'm releasing it. It really doesn't matter what he thinks of you right now, focus on what you think of yourself. I would really try to understand why you reacted the way you did because once you do, it will be easier to let go! 

 

Edited April 24, 2020 by Realitysux

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, clarissa88 said:

Due to lockdown I cant really speak to someone to get the help I need.

If you can afford it, some counselors/therapists will work over Skype, Zoom, and similar modes.

While it's certainly good you're taking accountability for your actions and intend to change, I don't think he deserves any kind of free pass here. Some of the things you mention like (apparently insincerely) telling you you are special, setting up dates and then just blowing you off are NOT any way to treat someone, Ex or no. Hot/cold "moves" can really mess with some people's heads emotionally and it sounds like that's part of what happened to you. So, taking a step back and recognizing that that's PART of this could be part of your healing IMO.

Edited April 24, 2020 by mark clemson

[Realitysux]

Yea, the above post is good. Make sure he changes his behavior before you change yours. Don't beat yourself up because you deserve to be happy too! Life is for you to live and enjoy too. If someone wants to leave your life then let them! Put yourself out there and if they reject you then the best people still get rejected. 

Edited April 24, 2020 by Realitysux