Struggling

[SS2855]

Hello all it’s been a long while since I posted so please bare with me. I’m a married OW that has been seeing a MM for the last year and a half now. We have been living the epitome of a fairytale for majority of that time due to some of the travel we’ve done together for work.

Circumstances made it very easy for us to fall deep into a love affair complete with Bachelor style dates- travel, dinners, sunsets, etc. Throughout this and since day one, while I’ve lived for those moments I have cried probably once a week since the very start because of the emotional roller coaster. I know I was ripe for this affair as my husband and I have been broken for a while now. I know I am ashamed and should have ended things before going outside the marriage, and not with a MM. I deserve the pain I’m feeling now.

Fast forward to last month where I finally got the courage to ask for a divorce. I know my MM will never leave his family nor would I ever ask or expect it. He’s a classic cake eater and though he says otherwise I believe he has enjoyed the best of both worlds. For me I’ve realized I can’t live this way anymore. I suppose in doing so my hope was to finally get an opportunity to leave my marriage and focus on living legitimately with a hope for something real. Here we are now in a standstill due to the lockdown. My spouse keeps saying  let’s “get through this” before we file which I understand, but I feel like I’m drowning and grasping for air.

With MM we are keeping in touch still and no “break up” but of course I feel we’re drifting which I’d expect given we cannot see one another- and who knows how close he’s getting with his wife which I can’t be upset about. We connect every day and he will periodically love bomb me with the “I miss yous” and “I’m having a hard time putting on a happy face without you” etc.” that makes me feel good for a moment and then I feel down again.

At this point nothing is holding us together. I’m devastated. Though this is probably a good thing I can’t help but feel grief at this fantasy feeling like it’s come to a natural end. How could it not?? We work together so there is also that. I suppose I’m just feeling stuck in isolation with a spouse that I’m basically separated from and feeling this ache from the person I love who I can’t be with and who I feel I’ll inevitably part from due to these circumstances.

Not sure what I’m asking for here from you all. Tough love? Courage to try and drift from MM knowing the end for us it’s probably near and there is no future? I need to toughen up and cope and I don’t know how.

Edited April 24, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[DKT3]

I believe there is a serious lack of self awareness and some delusions going on here. In one breath you say I dont expect or want him to leave, then in the next you say it gives you the opportunity to leave your marriage for something real...contradiction. 

Affairs have a way of twisting your mind and leads to illogical thinking, also rewriting the history of your marriage.  Almost every woman I've seen come here in your situation follow the same pattern.  Often they dont figure it out until they've lost everything. 

[SS2855]

Let me clarify.  I was trying to say I don’t expect the MM to leave his marriage. I want to leave MY marriage though at the chance at a completely different legitimate relationship- not with spouse or MM.  Essentially I’m stuck in two relationships that I need to move on from. 

[DKT3]

53 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

Let me clarify.  I was trying to say I don’t expect the MM to leave his marriage. I want to leave MY marriage though at the chance at a completely different legitimate relationship- not with spouse or MM.  Essentially I’m stuck in two relationships that I need to move on from. 

So, your plan is leaving your marriage and the affair at the same time? Come on....no your plan is leave your marriage and hope MM follows suit. People get into affairs because they lie to themselves.  First its "oh we are just friends " then its "well that happened,  it will never happen again " after that its "my marriage is horrible,  it always has been, we have no connection,  we never did". Truth is what connection do you expect to have when your focus is elsewhere. 

Some people have affairs and legitimately have bad marriages...most however are simply selfish and shortsighted then they justify the affair by claiming a bad marriage.  Sad to see, especially when they ruin their marriage then realize that the marriage wasn't that bad after all. 

[Findingfreedom]

4 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

So, your plan is leaving your marriage and the affair at the same time? Come on....no your plan is leave your marriage and hope MM follows suit. People get into affairs because they lie to themselves.  First its "oh we are just friends " then its "well that happened,  it will never happen again " after that its "my marriage is horrible,  it always has been, we have no connection,  we never did". Truth is what connection do you expect to have when your focus is elsewhere. 

Some people have affairs and legitimately have bad marriages...most however are simply selfish and shortsighted then they justify the affair by claiming a bad marriage.  Sad to see, especially when they ruin their marriage then realize that the marriage wasn't that bad after all. 

I read a lot of posts on here and their are many people trying to get out of this awful cycle they are in, and whether they are lying to themselves or not maybe you could try to give advice and be supportive instead of so judgmental. You’ve been on this site for awhile now. What’s your issues? Obviously this is therapy for you to slam people . I’m sur in your own way you are trying to help but you just always come off as bitter and judge! 

[DKT3]

The best advice is getting people to see their actions for what they are. Plenty of posters around here will hold hands and pat people on the head while telling them it's all ok. 

It's not ok, fixing the problem starts with understanding how you got into the situation, what you expect moving forward and working a plan to get you there. Its obvious here expectations are a relationship with this MM and not some random dude.  

I'm a stoic man,  who gets to the point. I dont have a lot of empathy for people complaining about how things arent working out in their favor because someone else is not behavior in a way they want while mistreating someone they have in the same position. 

[SS2855]

1 hour ago, Findingfreedom said:

I read a lot of posts on here and their are many people trying to get out of this awful cycle they are in, and whether they are lying to themselves or not maybe you could try to give advice and be supportive instead of so judgmental. You’ve been on this site for awhile now. What’s your issues? Obviously this is therapy for you to slam people . I’m sur in your own way you are trying to help but you just always come off as bitter and judge! 

Thank you for this. I’m not looking for kid gloves just a place to be open. My marriage has been broken for a long time (spouse hasn’t been able to hold a job in all our years together and is heavily dependent on weed). My spouse has even told me I shouldn’t have married him as he doesn’t know how to love himself and can’t love anyone else. I’m not blaming him by any means but adding context to what my marriage has looked like. I’m NOT looking to leave in hopes MM will follow suit. That I know he will not and I’m accepting it. I’m leaving because I can’t run anymore and use my MM as a bandaid which is what I’ve been doing. It’s been filling a void and I’ve been pretending to myself that it’s been enough when I know it has not. I haven’t even told MM as the last thing I want is for him to think I’m leaving in hopes to be with him. The worst thing about this is that even if he left I know in my heart we would not be happy (I don’t know of a story where two ppl leave together and it works out). Sadly it just does not work and I’ve realized the only hope of being with MM is if we reconnected later in life- not in our current situation. Maybe that’s what pains me the most.

[S2B]

If you are that unhappy in your M and you don’t see anything that’s likely to change to make it improve - then I support ending the M.

ill never support having an affair - it’s too bad that was your choice. I support dating after the divorce is final.

file for D since you want out of the M.

[heartwhole2]

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what's not healthy in your life right now and you are asking for tips on how to grow stronger to make the healthy changes that you know you need to make. 

The way you start your day can make a big difference. Do a meditation, journal, read a book about personal healing and growth. There are videos on YouTube that show a box expanding and contracting to help you do deep breathing. There's an app called Youper that checks in with you once a day and has you meditate.

When you feel overwhelmed by feelings, do it again. Meditate, journal, etc. Watch some videos and learn EFT, which is tapping to deal with those feelings. Express the hard feelings -- "I'm scared," "I feel broken," "I want someone to love me," -- and then talk yourself through the other side -- "I am strong," "I am not broken, I am whole and healing," "I love and accept myself," "I am worthy of love," etc. The physical act of tapping while doing this really helps me. 

There's a local hypnotist who will walk you through a guided meditation that deals with your issues and what you want to change and make a recording of it so you can listen to it regularly. Perhaps when lockdown is over something like that is an option. 

And of course, I'd recommend counseling if you're not in it already. And making sure to connect or reconnect with friends who are healthy. Surrounding ourselves with the kind of people we want to be goes a long way in resetting our compass.

One of the upsides of this exceptional time is that you can't really make any big changes right now even if you wanted to. That takes the pressure off of you to need to be 100% resolved right now. You can accept your ambivalence and weakness and sit with them. Observe them like they're happening to someone else. 

[pepperbird]

14 hours ago, SS2855 said:

Let me clarify.  I was trying to say I don’t expect the MM to leave his marriage. I want to leave MY marriage though at the chance at a completely different legitimate relationship- not with spouse or MM.  Essentially I’m stuck in two relationships that I need to move on from. 

Fair enough- I'll take you at your word.

If you could picture your (realistically) ideal life, what would it look like? Who would you share it with? What's standing in your way?

[Findingfreedom]

14 hours ago, SS2855 said:

Thank you for this. I’m not looking for kid gloves just a place to be open. My marriage has been broken for a long time (spouse hasn’t been able to hold a job in all our years together and is heavily dependent on weed). My spouse has even told me I shouldn’t have married him as he doesn’t know how to love himself and can’t love anyone else. I’m not blaming him by any means but adding context to what my marriage has looked like. I’m NOT looking to leave in hopes MM will follow suit. That I know he will not and I’m accepting it. I’m leaving because I can’t run anymore and use my MM as a bandaid which is what I’ve been doing. It’s been filling a void and I’ve been pretending to myself that it’s been enough when I know it has not. I haven’t even told MM as the last thing I want is for him to think I’m leaving in hopes to be with him. The worst thing about this is that even if he left I know in my heart we would not be happy (I don’t know of a story where two ppl leave together and it works out). Sadly it just does not work and I’ve realized the only hope of being with MM is if we reconnected later in life- not in our current situation. Maybe that’s what pains me the most.

I’m not judging you. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. You need to think of your affair as a transition for you. A wake up call or a lesson or whatever. But now it’s time to clear your head and figure it out without him in the picture. There is no future with him. Trust me.

[stillafool]

Did you tell your husband that you have been in an affair when you asked for divorce?  I commend you for seeking a divorce if you no longer love your husband rather than staying and deceiving him.  It's good you don't expect MM to leave his marriage because it's highly unlikely he will.  If you want to get over him you will have to go NC and only professional contact at work or find another job.  It isn't going to be easy but divorce is the first step and then NC with MM.

Edited April 24, 2020 by stillafool

[OpenBook]

My goodness, we're all in lockdown with the Coronavirus, you're stuck in the house with your soon-to-be exH, and you still have to work with your MM. No wonder you feel trapped! I think you're doing good with your awareness of the facts. My advice would be to DREAM. Like it was suggested above, focus on envisioning the life you want - then plan plan plan what you would need to do to get there. Quit focusing on the men. Your current situation isn't going to drag on forever. You'll be able to extricate yourself from it and move forward soon enough.

[mark clemson]

On 4/23/2020 at 8:49 PM, Findingfreedom said:

 What’s your issues? Obviously this is therapy for you to slam people . I’m sur in your own way you are trying to help but you just always come off as bitter and judge! 

Possibly I'm somewhat jaded by having been reading LS for over a year, but I will say that @DKT3 doesn't really come across to me as "judgy", at least nearly as judgy as some folks have been, particularly in the past. He doesn't at all need me to defend him as he's shown, but I thought I'd mention this.

I think DKT3 draws on his rather extensive knowledge of affairs and patterns of behavior to point things out to people. In particular, it's easy for people to feel conflicted when their emotions and/or desires are in conflict with practical issues and/or their morals/sense of ethics. So, sometimes people "don't know their own mind" in affairs. I think it's actually quite helpful to point out to someone that "maybe you're REALLY doing that because of reason X instead of reason Y like you seem to be saying". It's genuinely helpful for people to reexamine their own thoughts and "apparent" motives, etc in these emotionally volatile and high-stakes situations.

That said, I think that once this has been pointed out and an OP has had an opportunity to reflect and assess, there is no need to double down. We all work from our own experiences and mindset - once an OP has thought it though, if they really don't agree, it may be best to assume that they DO know their own mind.

I've seen many posters thank DKT3 for making them aware that their own motives weren't what they thought they were and help them reflect further on them. He's not always right, but of course that's true of EVERYONE IMO...

Edited April 25, 2020 by mark clemson
typo

[Findingfreedom]

On 4/25/2020 at 6:35 PM, mark clemson said:

Possibly I'm somewhat jaded by having been reading LS for over a year, but I will say that @DKT3 doesn't really come across to me as "judgy", at least nearly as judgy as some folks have been, particularly in the past. He doesn't at all need me to defend him as he's shown, but I thought I'd mention this.

I think DKT3 draws on his rather extensive knowledge of affairs and patterns of behavior to point things out to people. In particular, it's easy for people to feel conflicted when their emotions and/or desires are in conflict with practical issues and/or their morals/sense of ethics. So, sometimes people "don't know their own mind" in affairs. I think it's actually quite helpful to point out to someone that "maybe you're REALLY doing that because of reason X instead of reason Y like you seem to be saying". It's genuinely helpful for people to reexamine their own thoughts and "apparent" motives, etc in these emotionally volatile and high-stakes situations.

That said, I think that once this has been pointed out and an OP has had an opportunity to reflect and assess, there is no need to double down. We all work from our own experiences and mindset - once an OP has thought it though, if they really don't agree, it may be best to assume that they DO know their own mind.

I've seen many posters thank DKT3 for making them aware that their own motives weren't what they thought they were and help them reflect further on them. He's not always right, but of course that's true of EVERYONE IMO...

Perhaps