Samgeo Posted April 24, 2020 Share Posted April 24, 2020 My husband and I recently separated about 6 months ago and kept a friendly relationship throughout that time (we’d see each other once a week and hang out). We felt comfortable doing this because we established a platonic relationship in the final years of our marriage and we wanted to remain in each other’s life. About a month ago I approached my estranged husband to see if he wanted to try things again. He needed time to think about things and two weeks later he said no, only to change his mind the next day. A few days later I find out that during this two week period he started a few online profiles and chatted to a few women.Nothing happened but it was hurtful that in 6 months of being separated he never took an interest in looking or chatting to other women because he felt like it’d be cheating and then when we’re in the middle of discussing whether or not we should try things he decides that’s the time to explore. He said it meant nothing and I guess I have to take his word on it as painful as it was to hear that he chose that specific time to open a profile. since then there’s been hesitation and doubt from both sides if there’s a real chance of this working. We’ve been taking the opportunity to read a book to help us communicate and tackle our problems once we move in but now it seems that even moving in is an issue. He’s not ready to share his apartment with someone and isn’t asking me to move in after suggesting it’d be the best way to know if we’re compatible. i had my hesitations because to go through heartache again is a huge emotional toll after 6 months of working on yourself. But with all these hiccups to getting started I am wondering if it’s even worth it. I feel that both people should be excited to start a relationship and be invested. The way things have gone so far was not what I was expecting when he changed his mind and said yes let’s give it a second shot. thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted April 24, 2020 Share Posted April 24, 2020 I don't read anything as to why you separated. I'm assuming because of the lack of acrimony in your post relationship that it was consensual. What prompted the change of heart on your part? You approached him, so I have to guess that you were reading signals from him that he was open to reconciliation. It looks like you were wrong. His response was lukewarm at best. You made your intentions known to him and now it's his turn to reciprocate. I suggest you make no further moves towards getting back together until he clearly indicates that's what he wants. You should also rethink your actions. Why after six months out, do you want it all back especially when nothing has changed in the relationship except that you have been apart? Are you afraid to move into the future by yourself? I think you need to talk to a counselor before you move on or back in. Whichever you choose. Link to post Share on other sites
Samgeo Posted April 25, 2020 Share Posted April 25, 2020 The separation was mutual and the motivation behind it was to try and repair things before we got to a point of no return. We were hurting more being around each other and the constant disappointment of not meeting each other’s expectations/needs in a partnership. The time apart was to get back to a safe place emotionally, work on ourselves and reevaluate what mattered to us most in a relationship and the kind of life we wanted to build moving forward. It was one of the hardest things I’ve been through and I’m happy we made the choice to be apart because I’ve learned so much and discovered who I was as an individual. After 6 months what I started to notice is the kindness return, the ability to support one another and be vulnerable again. I thought okay this might be the best time to try and address our issues that couldn’t be resolved in the past. That was the goal and risk of separating, to come back as whole people who could be fully present to build a stronger future. The response like you said was lukewarm at best and my motivation wasn’t based on him expressing interest but because I could tell we were both past the hurt and pain of the relationship failing. Perhaps it’s a lesson that being in a good place and caring for a person doesn’t always means you should be together. It could be that we are able to be this kind to one another because we are apart and that’s how it needs to be. Its definitely scary to go back out there and date again but it’s not something I can’t face or eventually enjoy. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 25, 2020 Share Posted April 25, 2020 Its unlikely you two would be successful with a reunion because it doesn't sound like you've worked out why the relationship failed. You being past the failure doesn't mean he is, I have a sneaking suspicion that is one of the issues in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted April 25, 2020 Share Posted April 25, 2020 Have to agree with DKT3. But good luck buffer Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted April 25, 2020 Share Posted April 25, 2020 (edited) I'm sorry for where your life has gotten to. My main thoughts are... 1) If things were bad enough to separate... how/why do you think you can get back together? and 2) if your relationship was platonic for the last couple years... why would your husband want to come back to a loveless marriage? And finally 3) Why are you hurt that he's got a dating profile? You 2 were not together... and if it's been a couple years since he has had physical love... he may really need that. With that said... I totally understand the "Feels like I'm cheating" thing. I loved my exW and was with her for 20 years. I wanted to work on our relationship, but she didn't. A few months after my divorce was final, (been a year since anything physical with my exW) I thought I would be ready to date. But I quickly learned that I simply wasn't. (was in a silent panic on my first real date) I tried to go out a few times, and while I had a good time, I was unable to be physical at all with anyone. (not even a simple hug) But, once I stopped trying to find someone... a sweet girl fell into my lap, and it just kind of felt right. Knowing this... I can understand why your H was unsure. He probably felt obligated to try... but I'm sure he was mentally trapped. (didn't want to be with you, but couldn't connect with someone else) Anyway... don't be upset. Just try to talk with your H, and find out where his thoughts are. Tell him to just say the truth on the relationship. Edited April 25, 2020 by Blind-Sided Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 On 4/24/2020 at 3:03 AM, Samgeo said: A few days later I find out that during this two week period he started a few online profiles and chatted to a few women.Nothing happened but it was hurtful that in 6 months of being separated he never took an interest in looking or chatting to other women because he felt like it’d be cheating and then when we’re in the middle of discussing whether or not we should try things he decides that’s the time to explore. He said it meant nothing and I guess I have to take his word on it as painful as it was to hear that he chose that specific time to open a profile. Don't know how much it matters to you, but I'm going to guess he's been more active in this regard than he's let on - or you've discovered. While reading a book together is good, I'd like your chances better with professional help. Why not relationship counseling? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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