Me and my partner

[laurenleethat's-a-me]

I have been seeing someone new since my abusive rship ended. We've been together for nearly 3 years now but there are a few issues in our rship. 

Nearly everytime I open up about things that've been going on in my life such as dealing/living with a narc parent and toxic family, Asperger's, chronic health condition, bullying at work etc my OH usually will just dismiss it / act all positive or will say how I've got it all wrong. 

He is not a 'macho man' type nor a cold emotionally unavailable type, and I could've sworn this guy was nothing like my exes. He is certainly nothing like my nparent anyway.

Any advice and help for me/us? 

[CaliforniaGirl]

TBH, I don't think these reactions are uncommon in men. This is just my experience: the men I've known, no matter what the personality type, tended to take my bitching as "Do something to fix this!" even though I was just venting. In our culture girls and women are encouraged to talk a lot, keep in touch a lot, communicate a lot without an agenda, so to speak, or a solution; but boys and men are drilled to go fix a problem, go handle it, don't just keep mulling it over. (I Am NOT saying this is OK, BTW, just offering one possible answer to your question.

You might try prefacing with "Listen...this is JUST a vent" AND try hard to not keep complaining about the same things very very frequently, because to a man this is frustrating. To him he's thinking: if she hates this so much then why doesn't she DO something? It puts him in a helpless spot. JMO.

Edited April 25, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[chillii]

 

There's a helluva lot of crap to have to deal with for him though , ever thought about how many of his things in that kind of  equivalent degree you have to deal with for him ? Could you cope with dealing with all that , to listen to and support with , on his side day in and out. Sounds more like he doesn't wanna encourage too much of it because there's a lot, and rather you start to positive up a bit .

[schlumpy]

CaliforniaGirl is right. Many men, myself included, see things as problems to be solved or managed so as to not hinder the good parts of the relationship. I many times have failed to realize the emotional depth in which my SO is floundering because I'm only looking at the mechanics of the situation.

Listening to someone complain or vent once in a while is fine but not every day. It will act as an erosive force in your relationship.

[ChatroomHero]

When he says you have it all wrong, have you ever considered he might be right?

I agree with other posters, from most men's perspective it's "How are you going to handle it" and I think a lot of women have the idea, "I can't do anything about it" and just vent so it is what it is.

It's like if my gf starts in:

GF:  "Sherry at work is just horrible. She always sets me up. She said this nasty thing at lunch...."

Me: "Did you tell her to stop?"

GF: "Oh I can't do that. The boss likes her, she'll set me up, she's friends with the bosses wife........."

Me: "Look for another job. You work hard, you'd be happier and probably make more money".

GF: "Oh I can't do that because........."

Me: "Ok, as I understand it, you are stuck in your job with no options, working with a woman you despise that is constantly setting you up and trying to get you fired. You can't get another job and you can't quit this one. You can't say anything to your boss. At this point according to you, your only option is to bend over and take it for the rest of your life. Me, I'd quit or tell my boss and let him fire me if he wants before I dealt with that another minute. You don't have to worry about money, I have you covered until you find another job".

GF: "You don't understand. you're being a jerk. I can't tell you anything"

Me personally I am not going to sit there when you complain and just say, "What a jerk! Tell me other things that she does that are horrible! Do you have any other stories of the nasty things she does that you only have the option to take it and shut up? Can we stretch this conversation that we already know has no resolution and no helpful advice will be tolerated for, another 2 hours? I know this will not help ease your situation and will end up in you only being more upset reliving everything and be in a foul mood the rest of the night, so let's dig deeper! ".

Allowing someone to vent is a good thing up until the end. Either you make a joke to get them to laugh or tell them they are probably making it sound worse than it is and just relax and don't dwell on it. It sounds like you are one to dwell and want your bf to be in a bad mood because you are. You want someone to commiserate with and that is exhausting for the other person.

 

[snowboy91]

There's a difference between a guy having a "let's fix it"/"what are you going to do about it" attitude (like other posters so far are suggesting) and being completely dismissive of your experiences (which I feel is what he's actually doing).

One is trying to help solve your issues and assume there's an easy fix (albeit poorly depending on the approach). The other is trying to pretend the issues are completely irrelevant (which isn't good no matter which way you look at it). You're 3 years into your relationship and he's still dismissive of things that you're still trying to deal with. You should be able to feel that he is able to support you as you work though them (presuming you're yet to work through them - although if you feel you have already, it is still something to be acknowledged). Either way, it's worth discussing with him (or at the very least, working out for yourself) what you need from him regarding the things he's dismissive about - whether it's simply acknowledgement or a greater level of support, and thinking about whether he can provide you that.

[poppyfields]

I'm not one to vent to boyfriends about the day-to-day cr** I deal with; I "do" try to fix myself and typically do.

If it gets so bad, I will leave and have.  Found a better job actually, higher paying.  Or will leave a toxic friendship, whatever the case might be.

That said, being a woman and knowing what women need, when venting or "bytching" we don't want our bf to "fix" the problem, we just want him to "listen" and offer some empathy. 

But men being who they are, they find it difficult to simply listen and show empathy, they're fixers so will proceed to try and fix the way "they" would fix.

And as in Chatroom Hero's scenario, it comes across as arrogant and even a bit obnoxious, sorry for saying that CH.  I don't agree with her calling you a jerk though, that was wrong.  You were to trying to help, after all.  

Guys, just LISTEN.  Allow her to vent.  Tell her you're sorry she had a bad day, give her a hug.

But please, for the love of *, do not try to "fix it" it's not the right response and won't help, in fact you may make it worse, as in CH's case.

To the OP, what do you need from him?  Do you just want him to listen, acknowledge your frustration, validate your feelings?

If so, communicate that to him!  Tell him what you need from him, he's not a mind reader.

He is from a different world so to speak (Mars) lol, you're from Venus, hence the difference in needs and communication styles. 

Talk to him.

Edited April 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[PRW]

On 4/25/2020 at 1:55 PM, ChatroomHero said:

Me: "Ok, as I understand it, you are stuck in your job with no options, working with a woman you despise that is constantly setting you up and trying to get you fired. You can't get another job and you can't quit this one. You can't say anything to your boss. At this point according to you, your only option is to bend over and take it for the rest of your life. Me, I'd quit or tell my boss and let him fire me if he wants before I dealt with that another minute. You don't have to worry about money, I have you covered until you find another job".

GF: "You don't understand. you're being a jerk. I can't tell you anything"

Women don't want the guy to fix anything.  What they are really doing is communicating their feelings in an indirect way and want you to see that you understand their feelings,...not try to fix it with solutions.The details of the situation are just the backdrop,...the "Stage".  Don't try to fix the "Stage",...enjoy the Play..

That is what the Op is doing,...but is just over-doing it. It is too much.

[ChatroomHero]

2 hours ago, PRW said:

Women don't want the guy to fix anything.  What they are really doing is communicating their feelings in an indirect way and want you to see that you understand their feelings,...not try to fix it with solutions.The details of the situation are just the backdrop,...the "Stage".  Don't try to fix the "Stage",...enjoy the Play..

That is what the Op is doing,...but is just over-doing it. It is too much.

I agree, just saying guys aren't wired that way. What it comes across as a lot of the time is someone complaining about something they have no intention of trying to solve but just wanting to 'complain' about it. I get it's an emotional dump but outside of getting it off your chest, I don't think most guys find it a valuable use of time to cry in circles about something, deal with it like an adult and deal with any consequences.

It's good to let your partner unload sometimes but if it's always "listen to me cry" about something, it eventually gets old because nobody wants to be a just dumping ground in a relationship.

[chillii]

Exactly , hence my thoughts of him just wanting her to positive up he just wants her to tone it back or do something about it, l mean sitting through all that every 5mins , beyond the call. like l said you could just imagine the thread if it was vise verse and him doing that degree of dumping.

[NomiMalone]

OP never said her partner tried to “fix” anything. OP said her partner is dismissive of her concerns/feelings.

IMO a lack of empathy is one of the WORST traits a partner could have. OP do you think he’d be open to a conversation if you started off by saying something like, “I really like that I can tell you how I feel about xyz, but it’d make me happy if you could be more supportive of the way I feel, like try to see things from my point of view.” Or when he says you’re wrong, ask him nicely why he thinks you’re wrong. I’ve found that people are more receptive to this sort of communication if you approach it very nicely, and not accusingly or angrily.

Chances are though, that he won’t get it. 

[FMW]

OP, I think you're probably expecting from him something that's not realistic.  As guys have explained, men aren't generally good at just listening to venting without any kind of action plan because that's just not the way they are wired - they don't see the point.  Of course there are always exceptions, but it seems you are involved with a more typical guy.  

He shouldn't be dismissive, but even as a woman I would probably react in a "fix it" mode or "look at things in a more positive way"  in response to your list of venting issues.   I wouldn't want to just sympathize because that encourages you to stay in a helpless or victim role.  A previous abusive relationship, a narc parent, toxic family, bullying at work -  that's a lot of negativity for someone to hear about on a regular basis.

For most of us, we can't get everything we need all the time from our partners.  Our female friendships offer a great outlet for times when we just want someone to listen and tell us they "get" it.  Just like his guy friends provide things for him that you cannot.      

[NomiMalone]

There’s a lot of truth in the above post by FWM. Definitely NOT saying it’s ok at all for your partner to be dismissive, but in general, its probably best to not vent/complain a lot to him, especially about heavy topics as narcissism, autism etc. He might be out of his depth and unsure how to respond anyway. You can always post about your issues on here instead! I have a rule that I don’t dwell too much on negative topics with anyone. It can be potentially draining for them.