A mental letter to my ex

[Kingofbees]

When we were together in the honeymoon period, we were fine and dandy. Of course there were disagreements and needing of space, but we worked on those things and it was fine.

When we moved on from the honeymoon period, we would still have disagreements or need space, but now I felt like I had to fix things. Several things led on from this. The more I tried to fix things, the more pressure I put on us. This pressure led to you wanting space for an hour or two, which I then saw as you having a problem or doubt about us, rather than you just needing a breather or to vent to a friend. This pressure was of my own creation unknowingly at the time to me. It consumed me, and I put all my energy into it rather than speaking to anyone or just reaching out to my friends.

You no longer respected me because I was so keen to fix an issue that to begin with wasn't big, but I let myself believe it was a big issue, I didn't let it go, I didn't allow space, I didn't allow time to heal. You had people to speak to about it while I didn't speak to anyone and held it inside, which I admitted to you.

As things went on, we still had our 'love bubble' as you called it, but if we disagreed about something, I made it a bigger issue by instantly trying to fix it, rather than accept that people can have different views, and it doesn't matter, especially for insignificant mundane things. This brought back the pressure that I put on us and you. As my actions had already caused you to lose respect for me, you no longer respected my decision, and by this point, I think the doubts had crept in.

With every time I felt the pressure that I subconsciously knew I put on you, I would ask for reassurance. It's hard to keep on reassuring someone that things are fine, when they are the one creating the issues and causing the doubts. I can admit I didnt let you breath.

With no respect for me, you no longer saw a future with me. Men who talk, can admit how they feel, men who are strong and confident in how they handle situations or struggles are respected. When we met, I was that man, in the honeymoon period I was that man and you respected and loved it. You saw that man again when I took control, and was calm and collected on a stressful situation that we encountered with our holiday - you even told me yourself you loved seeing that. But apart from them situations, you didn't see that man for long enough durations, only glimmers.

You told me that you struggled with communication, but in fact you communicated really well what you needed, I just didn't let you have it. I put a lot of pressure and negativity on her shoulders, and you just couldn't handle it anymore. This brought you down and consumed you.

If I opened up to my friends about any worries I had about anything, job, life, love, then me and you wouldn't have ended when we did, maybe not at all.

I bottled up any thoughts I had, shook that bottle really hard and sprayed it over you, when in fact the thoughts in the bottle never should have been bottled up.

My actions caused you to give up. I know that you love and care for me still to ever admit it as you always protected my feelings. That's who I pushed away.

[schlumpy]

Nice confession with you taking all the blame but it's all from your point of view. How did she see it. Did she tell you I don't respect you anymore or are you coming to that conclusions through her actions? 

What reasons did she give for quitting and if you realized you were doing all these negative things why couldn't you change your actions?

Is this your effort to explain what happened and does it line up with the facts?

[Kingofbees]

Basically she was reluctant to give a reason at all, but as we talked, it came out that she no longer respected me. She loves me still, the care, comfort and kind things I do, still finds me physically attractive, but the emotional attractiveness isn't there, not because I treated her badly, but because I acted needy, put her on a pedestal and stopped enriching my life outside of her. I always put her first and never put my foot down. The relationship became easy for her then, and I don't think she likes easy. I was her first boyfriend. Both 25 years old.

Looking back, the way the relationship went down and her actions described in my mental letter go hand in hand. I felt at peace writing it down and getting it out, I think that's a sign that I might be right.

I don't know why I didn't try and improve my life when she gave me chances. I think I was naive, or just foolish, and in my subconscious I probably made my conscious believe that she wouldn't leave.

I read something about testing the universe. When you put out a negative statement about something in a selfish point if view (so for me, it was that she wouldn't leave me), the universe will then test you. And it did, a test that I struggled to handle.

 

If I send this to her then that's another story. We've been split for a week and after messaging eachother once a day from then, we've just said our goodbyes today, altogether she does want me letting her know when I'm back at my parents as no one should be in a lonely flat in these coronavirus times.

Edited April 25, 2020 by Kingofbees

[schlumpy]

She's letting you go too easily so I think her romantic interest in you is less then she is stating. So don't get too philosophical about your relationship. I get the feeling you are still putting her on the pedestal and I agree that is something difficult to live up to.

I don't know how much work you need to do on yourself. There are many women that like being on that pedestal. If you can find one that does, you may not have to modify your behavior all that much. It comes down to compatibility and meeting each others emotional needs.

Be a little more cognizant of the qualities your next Girl friend displays and reduce your risk.

Your best move right now is to go no contact. 

[Kingofbees]

Yeah I've gone no contact, not replied to her.

Her emotional needs are one where she needs a partner that has stability in their life outside of her relationship, as she had stability in her life outside of us.

I didn't have stability in my life outside of us. I'm in a unstable career path and I've thought about changing my career in the last month. I'm also not stable in the fact I don't feel comfortable reaching out and talking to people about any issues I have in my life, unless it's my partner. And all that became too much for her, she felt pressured and finally I'm understanding her words in the break up.

When we met we had the fundamentals to work, my unstable life grew to a point where we couldn't get past it (neither of these things were there when we were together early on, I had a great network but I slowly just focused on her, which caught her off guard).

She could no longer see a future with a guy that didn't have his sh*t together anymore. And that's what it came down to.

[Kingofbees]

3 hours ago, schlumpy said:

 

 

3 hours ago, schlumpy said:

She's letting you go too easily so I think her romantic interest in you is less then she is stating.

Two weeks prior to the breakup she told she wanted to break up but that she couldn't go through with it so I think she's been detaching herself within the last month. 

She admitted that she had to think about herself and her happiness because I was bringing us down.

People jump to the conclusion that she didn't fully say why the break up happened, when in fact some people say exactly what they feel. 

Love is weird, you want to protect the ones you love even if you don't see a future with them, yet you also want to be open and honest, because you love them.