Coworker EA/PA, needs to end

[Outthere3375]

Moved halfway across the country to new city a few years ago with my family. Started a new job 2 1/2 years ago. About 4 months in, I struck up a “friendship” with a co-worker in another office in town. He messaged me about a work question one day, and it took off from there. He messages me every morning, and we’ve LITERALLY talked all day everyday since then. We've both shared a lot of personal things, about each of our M, finances, our past, a lot of things that I wouldn’t want anyone else to know. 
I think it was the anonymity of it, no face to face. We would talk ALL day about deep stuff, chit chat, whatever. He was always supportive and caring, listened and tells me like it is. 

This time last year, the topic came up about if we could meet up and I could “help” him out, since his wife is not really interested in sex. I was curious. It did get physical (oral for him). It has happened a few times this year. That is the only time we see each other. He seems to be someone else entirely when we’re physically together. And it’s in and out.

i tried to end it last year. I had NC for 3 months. He messaged me everyday, but I kept ignoring them. Finally he had a mutual coworker group message me, and he told me to never block him again. 
Since that time, conversations are still everyday, but no deep meaningfulness to it. He no longer shares anything deeply personal. And the physical is still there, but sporadic. 
I’m so done with being in this position, and I just wish I could go back to before, because it was such a good connection. We’ve been so involved everyday, I don’t know how to end it, or what to do next. 

Please understand that I know that I am wrong in this. I hate myself for being in this situation, and I just need advice on how to move forward.

 

[JS84]

I find it interesting how you only talk about yourself and what you're going through for 4 paragraphs while your family gets a one sentence mention.

[Buffer]

Hi outthere 

 Can I ask if you are married with children and BS or Husband or when you say family it is mum and dad?

Regardless he can’t direct you to maintain contact and provide a anatomy part for his sexual gratification. You are a person, a woman and a individual regardless of anything he says. To get him to stop report this as harassment to hr. Do not think you did it once you cannot stop it when you want. 

Now if you are married then STOP this now! Tell your husband and get tested for STDs. Then tell hubby he will need to be checked.  Change jobs if you want to remain married. Or you can D husband and be a sex doll for your POS. AP. 
One day at a time. 
Buffer

[schlumpy]

You made a tentative step towards ending it. How did he convince you to reattach? You say he ordered you not to block him again? Does the way he contacted you again make it likely that others know about the affair and that word of it is likely to get back to your husband?

I'm surprised there are no declarations of endless love and the meetings with OM are painted as passionless.

What is holding you in place? Is this a submissive relationship?

You indicate you want out. That is pretty simple to accomplish but hard to do.

He's married. Let him know that if he contacts you again you will print off a few pages of his emails and send them to his wife. That should do it.

This isn't a relationship. You two are just using each other.

[K.K.]

It’s always the coworker. 8 or more hours a day, cooped up together. Just lends itself to this kind of thing. It’s always the same script. It’s always the same outcome. 😔 I feel for ya, OP. I know most wont unless they’ve been there and that’s understandable too. But I know as well as you know, as well as anybody that has struggled in this same situation knows, that morality can easily find itself taking a back seat when the heart is calling out for what it wants.      

Stop the physical part and let the rest die a slow death with as little drama as possible. If that doesn’t work, then quitting is a tried and true option. Once you walk out of the door for the last time, coworker lovers tend to forget that you’re even alive and just move on to another pretty distraction. 

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, Outthere3375 said:

i tried to end it last year. I had NC for 3 months.

Why did you try to end it?

 

[GoldenR]

Honestly, you're screwed.  

What I got from your post is that you continue blowing him or he tells your H?  Is that right?

So for you it's either confess or you're stuck being this guys sex slave.  

How do you feel about telling your H?  I mean, don't you think you should stop playing him for a chump? 

And please tell me that you don't go home and kiss your husband on those special days.  

 

Edited April 25, 2020 by GoldenR

[BaileyB]

Have you thought about finding yourself a counsellor? It would be much safer and more appropriate to confide in a counsellor, than a coworker. 

If not that, then you need to find yourself more girlfriends. This relationship with your coworker is the road to disaster...

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? A person's actions define who they are.

[mark clemson]

I noticed a few people mentioned threatening the nuclear option (telling his wife). Unless he no longer cares to stay married that should probably do it. So threatening that is something to consider. You need to worry about retaliation (ie, telling your husband and/or HR at work) so suggest you be "nice" about it if you do this, but also be adamant that things need to stop completely. You're not interested in blowing up his life, but you are interested in this ending. Hopefully he'll get the message.

Retaliation would be a double-edged sword for him; presumably he'll see that too. But, as you have experienced, sometimes people do stupid things when emotions are involved. You've already made one set of bad decisions; no point in making another. So proceed cautiously.

IMO you should get tested for STDs and IF you got one, then you really have no ethical choice other than to tell your husband you have one for his health and safety. Don't think there's any way around that.

You may also wish to talk to a lawyer at some point as IF this gets out by whatever means your husband may want a divorce. In some jurisdictions affairs can have a big impact on divorce settlements, in others it's minimal. You probably should know what one might look like, just in case. Not sure if you are located in the US but many family/divorce lawyers will give free half hour consults here. You are free to speak to more than one and get all questions you may have answered.

[Amethyst68]

On 4/25/2020 at 5:57 AM, Outthere3375 said:

Finally he had a mutual coworker group message me, and he told me to never block him again. 

Or what?

[usa1ah]

On 4/25/2020 at 6:20 AM, elaine567 said:

Why did you try to end it?

 

Because she is cheating 

Edited April 28, 2020 by usa1ah

[ShyViolet]

You stopped talking to him, and he had someone else contact you and tell you to "never block him again"?  That is crazy.  He sounds like some kind of controlling abuser or almost a stalker.  

You say you "don't know how to end it."  Just tell him that you're ending it.  Then tell him not to contact you again.  Block him, change your number, whatever.  And stand your ground this time, don't talk to him again just because he says "never to block him again."  

[Buffer]

Hang on we don’t know if family means Mum & Dad, or Husband & Children.

Hence it is work place harassment/affair or indescribable Infidelity. 
Buffer

[stillafool]

On 4/25/2020 at 12:57 AM, Outthere3375 said:

i tried to end it last year. I had NC for 3 months. He messaged me everyday, but I kept ignoring them. Finally he had a mutual coworker group message me, and he told me to never block him again. 

And you took that instruction?  Surely you don't just jump because he tells you to, do you?