We did not OFFICIALLY break up, but....

[manfrombelow]

I will make this as short and precise as possible instead of a wall-of-text to save time for you and myself:

1- Me and my girlfriend are going through our worst time ever.

2- I behaved like an idiot, being insecure, needy, childish, using harsh language with my girlfriend. To sum it up: I made her feel unsafe, unsatisfied, unhappy to the point that she now sees no future together with me.

3- I confronted her through phone (we live around 35 minutes from each other, same city, I haven't seen her directly for nearly one month) about this, still trying to act tought by saying "If you wanna break up just say it" (but deep down I was scared, if she really says it) to which she replied: "Don't push me, if I wanted to I would tell you"

4- So we DID NOT OFFICIALLY BREAK UP, but as you can see, I noticed she is growing more and more emotionally distant from me.

5- Somehow I sensed that her mother knows about what's going on, because from treating me with lots of love, now she (her mother) treats me kind of very coldly (via text message).

For the past few months, my girlfriend's parents have been living here with her (they're from a different city) and they will have their flight back home this Sunday. Judging from her mother's attitude, I guess they are being upset seeing her daughter all sad and depressed due to our fight. So I texted them for permission to come over today to directly talk with them to show them how I am ready to take ownership of my problems and to assure them that I will treat their daughter better from today on, like a man? I personally want to do this before their flight because I honestly love them too. Before this stuff, they treated me so well with lots of love and respect.

(Because you know, the ONLY reason a girl's parents treat her boyfriend with love is because they expect that he, in returns, treats their daughter with the same level of respect and love. So the moment they sense that's not what he's bringing to the table, they'll start hating him- which I am 90% convinced is what's going on in my case.)

And the result? Well, after 6 hours of receiving my text, neither the father or the mother replied me back. They just went dead silent. 

So what do I do now? Just go full No Contact?

Can I just run to her doorstep tomorrow, knowing she'll be alone without her parents, so I can hug her, hold her hands and apologize to her and promise to become a better man for her and our relationship?

Please, show me what to do. I can't get my mind together right now. I can't think straight. I'm devastated. Please! 

Edited April 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ExpatInItaly]

What was this fight about, OP? It would be helpful to know more details so we can give you more precise feedback. 

Keep her parents out of it from now on. This is between you and your girlfriend, and it's vital that you do not try to get to her though them. You need to exercise more discretion and better boundaries. They might have liked you a lot, but it's not a great idea to involve them in conflicts. Their daughter is an adult and can make her own choices. My guess is that she's not happy that you're communicating with them, and their lack of a response is your cue that they don't want to get involved and play intermediary here. 

On that note, do not turn up unannounced and uninvited at her door. Their collective silence is your cue that you need to back off a bit here. She will talk to you when she's ready. It's not wise to steamroll over her apparent desire for space just because your anxiety and fear is taking control of your emotions. Being a man doesn't mean pushing others to do what you want on your timeline. It means having the confidence to take a step back and see what she does of her own volition now. 

[manfrombelow]

@ExpatInItaly:

First of all, thank you very much.

Lately I noticed she was getting stressed and distant, so being an idiot, I felt threatened and tried punishing her by purposely not replying to her text messages thinking that would make her chase me more (like she did before). 

But instead it made her re-evaluate our future. It was like I pushed her to her limit or something.

It's been nearly a month that we haven't met in person. How can I show her I've changed if we can't meet?

And thank you again, for the last statement about being a man does not mean being a selfish dictator. It helped open my eyes and brain.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

It's been nearly a month that we haven't met in person. How can I show her I've changed if we can't meet?

You can't, really. She would have to first be open to seeing those changes. If she isn't, there's not a lot you can do. You can't push it on her. 

It sounds like there was a rather immature dynamic between you two, if the usual course of action was for you to pull back to get her to chase you. That's not healthy behaviour in a relationship.  How old are you both and how long have you been together?

I also have to wonder if she's been distant because she's been reevaluating the relationship longer than you thought. When did you notice her drifting?

 

[manfrombelow]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You can't, really. She would have to first be open to seeing those changes. If she isn't, there's not a lot you can do. You can't push it on her. 

It sounds like there was a rather immature dynamic between you two, if the usual course of action was for you to pull back to get her to chase you. That's not healthy behaviour in a relationship.  How old are you both and how long have you been together?

I also have to wonder if she's been distant because she's been reevaluating the relationship longer than you thought. When did you notice her drifting?

 

I take full ownership of my childish and immature behaviour. It's all on me. She's more mature than me.

But I'm working on changing myself for the better now, not even for her, but for me as a human being.

She started withdrawing emotionally around two months ago.

Edited April 25, 2020 by manfrombelow

[d0nnivain]

Send her flowers & an apology. 

For heaven's sake. Your GF has been cooped up with her parents during a pandemic.  Of course she is stressed & distant.  Give her a break. 

[manfrombelow]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Send her flowers & an apology. 

For heaven's sake. Your GF has been cooped up with her parents during a pandemic.  Of course she is stressed & distant.  Give her a break. 

Thank you. 

Yes I agree that being stuck up for weeks could stress her out, especially when combined with having to deal with my s***ty and childish behaviours.

But like @ExpatInItaly said, I should give her space. But for how long? Until she reaches out first? 

Tomorrow her parents will leave for their home city, leaving her alone. I thought about showing up but I will not do it because I understand, like @ExpatInItaly said, I need to "have the confidence to take a step back".

[manfrombelow]

This is my first post here, but comments and input from all of you somehow have made me feel a lot better. Thank you for not using harsh words and not judging me. I do appreciate it.

[d0nnivain]

Do not show up but send the flowers AND a written not texted apology sooner rather than later.

If you want to fix things you must communicate.  The silent treatment / letting her simmer will cause her to conclude you don't care & she's better off without you.   However, you cannot pester her.  This is your one & only shot.  If it doesn't work, then consider yourself officially broken up & move along without additional contact of any sort.

[manfrombelow]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Do not show up but send the flowers AND a written not texted apology sooner rather than later.

If you want to fix things you must communicate.  The silent treatment / letting her simmer will cause her to conclude you don't care & she's better off without you.   However, you cannot pester her.  This is your one & only shot.  If it doesn't work, then consider yourself officially broken up & move along without additional contact of any sort.

I understand this now. Hope it's not too late.

[Poutrew]

4 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

 

First of all, thank you very much.

Lately I noticed she was getting stressed and distant, so being an idiot, I felt threatened and tried punishing her by purposely not replying to her text messages thinking that would make her chase me more (like she did before). 

But instead it made her re-evaluate our future. It was like I pushed her to her limit or something.

It's been nearly a month that we haven't met in person. How can I show her I've changed if we can't meet?

And thank you again, for the last statement about being a man does not mean being a selfish dictator. It helped open my eyes and brain.

What is making her re-evaluate the relationship is not you , or what did. It is the other man she met and isn't telling you about. The grass is always greener... and she is imagining  watering his lawn, not yours. Actually, your taking the blame behavior-wise is probably helping to kill your relationship by making you appear weak and feminine in her eyes, which only goes to build up the other guys manliness... At this point the best thing you can do is to go completely No Contact with her. If she wants to get together with you again you can decide if having a girlfriend with a wandering eye, amongst other body parts, is something you really want. If not, well, there's always other fish in the sea.

Edited April 25, 2020 by Poutrew

[JTSW]

Wow, you have treated her like utter crap.

You don't treat someone you love like that.

It's no wonder she has been distant and stressed,

She deserves better and she WILL end it because she will realise that nothing will ever change.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I am a bit relieved that the last two posters were not so kind to the OP. 

First of all, I hope you get your crap together manfrombelow. There is not indication as to why, suddenly, you have this need to change 'as a human being.' I suspect it was because you effed-up with your gf and your need to change, sincere or no, may be because of it. Someone said that it isn't her parents business, man, I cannot disagree more. They are her parents and they love her regardless....they are her unconditional support...you are and have been conditional, temperamental, unjust, and brutish, to be honest. You intentionally tried to PUNISH her....you are threatening NC....for someone who wants to change, going NC is not the thing a man wanting to win his woman back does. 

If you are sincere about changing, keep the line of communication open, you send, flowers and why would you go to her place or while the parents are there during COVID? 

[DarrenB]

Send a heartfelt apology and communicate where possible but keep it limited for the time-being. With emotions running high too much contact could be volatile.

Showing up to their house will not prove taking ownership, more likely giving the impression of desperation which will significantly decrease your chances of settlement.

Promising change requires consistent actions, not just words and irrational decisions made in the moment.

I urge you reflect on all that's occurred and start with a foundation to work off of.

 

 

[manfrombelow]

Thank you everyone, even the one that punished me with words, though they are not pleasant to my ears, I know I do deserve it. 

I promise I will keep this thread updated. Please bear with me. Thank you.

Edited April 25, 2020 by manfrombelow

[manfrombelow]

One more thing, I feel kind of disrespected when her parents completely ignored my mesage.

Do you think I should take this personal?

Edited April 25, 2020 by manfrombelow

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, manfrombelow said:

One more thing, I feel kind of disrespected when her parents completely ignored my mesage.

Do you think I should take this personal?

Should they take your treatment of their daughter personally? Should they be upset that you disrespected their child?

This is called "living with the consequences of your actions". At the time you were dishing this out, it was the brightest idea to punish this young woman.

If I was her mom, I'd do the same thing. As far as I would be concerned, you're dismissed.

Drop this line of thinking before dawn tomorrow. You made the mess you find yourself in. No one else made it for you. You cannot dictate to anyone how they should feel about your deliberate and willful actions.

Own what you did and quit trying to find someone else to blame.

Edited April 25, 2020 by kendahke

[manfrombelow]

4 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Should they take your treatment of their daughter personally? Should they be upset that you disrespected their child?

If I was her mom, I'd do the same thing. As far as I would be concerned, you're dismissed.

Drop this line of thinking before dawn tomorrow. You made the mess you find yourself in. No one else made it for you. You cannot dictate to anyone how they should feel about your deliberate and willful actions.

Own what you did and quit trying to find someone else to blame.

I agree & understood. 

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

Edited April 25, 2020 by manfrombelow

[Scarlett.O'hara]

1 hour ago, manfrombelow said:

One more thing, I feel kind of disrespected when her parents completely ignored my mesage.

Do you think I should take this personal?

I think you should take it as a sign that you overstepped their boundaries by pulling them into a situation they aren't comfortable with.  Take the hint and understand that the request may have come across as a bit manipulative, however well intended you might have been.

Also, as others have mentioned, we are in the middle of a pandemic.  Aren't there rules about physical distancing and keeping out of other people's space where you are?  If there is, you're behavior is completely unreasonable, and is going to be really off putting to all of them. 

For your own sake, you need to find a way to chill out and reduce the drama.  Otherwise you risk driving her away.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, manfrombelow said:

One more thing, I feel kind of disrespected when her parents completely ignored my mesage.

Do you think I should take this personal?

No, the disrespect was in how you treated their daughter.    Rather than taking it personally, you should accept their non response as consequence for your behaviour.   I also think it was disrespectful towards your ex-girlfriend to contact her parents wanting permission to see her.  Whether or not she wants to see you is up to her, not her parents.  

Honestly, the fact that you're upset at her parents indicates that you still have a looooong way to go in terms of personal development.  

[manfrombelow]

I understood and now I regretted sending them the message and putting them into an awkward and uncomfortable situation.

I'm no longer feeling disrespected, knowing that was a bad move which displays my incompetence and lacking of self-control and self-aware in terms of handling the entire situation maturely.

I will keep this topic updated. Thank you all for your input. 

Edited April 26, 2020 by manfrombelow

[basil67]

@manfrombelow While you're considering your actions, do you know why you swore at your ex?   Yes, I get that you were frustrated, but are you able to address a problem without resorting to such language?   If not, perhaps some anger management therapy may be helpful to you.

[manfrombelow]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@manfrombelow While you're considering your actions, do you know why you swore at your ex?   Yes, I get that you were frustrated, but are you able to address a problem without resorting to such language?   If not, perhaps some anger management therapy may be helpful to you.

I spent a good amount of time the past few weeks reflecting over this and I came to the conclusion that it stemmed from my own inner insecurity, plus my short temper.

I deeply faced my inner shadow and I am now in a much more lucid and calmer state of mind. And yes, I am deeply regretful over everything, from this whole thing with my girlfriend as well as my personal lifestyle as a human being.

Edited April 26, 2020 by manfrombelow

[basil67]

OK, so how do you prevent your short temper rising again the next time you get extremely frustrated?   Being calm now doesn't mean that you have the tools to remain calm the next time something challenging happens in your life

[manfrombelow]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK, so how do you prevent your short temper rising again the next time you get extremely frustrated?   Being calm now doesn't mean that you have the tools to remain calm the next time something challenging happens in your life

I've been swallowing books about Stoicism, Taoism and Buddhism the past few weeks, and I know that my (and many other people's) biggest enemy is my own feelings.

To prevent rising my temper, I need to act not with emotions but rather logic and rationality. 

If I can't help myself, no one can. By hurting her, I hurt myself too. And I don't want that. I never wanted that. 

Edited April 26, 2020 by manfrombelow