We did not OFFICIALLY break up, but....

[manfrombelow]

I just sent her flowers and the card. Now I'm going to take a step back and let her have her space.

I will keep this thread updated. Thank you everyone for having beared with me this far. 

 

[kendahke]

On 4/26/2020 at 2:32 AM, manfrombelow said:

One thing still baffled me though: Why did they wait until the last minute (when they're on the way to the airport or when their plane about to take off) to reply to me? Why didn't they do it yesterday?

I don't think you're getting the meaning of that message.
 

Quote

 

Hi. We think the two of you should deal with this on your own. As parents, we always believe and respect our children's decision with the only hope that you guys are HAPPY. 

Now we are heading home. Wish you lots of luck and success"

 

That's not the olive branch you think it is.  They didn't say "work this out together". They were very clear on how this resolution needs to take place.

They most likely walked in on their child in a full blown sobbing melt down and she told them exactly what you said and what you did--and she should. Those are her parents who are always going to be in her corner no matter what. Their loyalty isn't with you.

The fact that they didn't give you an audience and left town without seeing you is a strong message.

That's them basically telling you that as far as they are concerned, this needs to be the end of you and their child, without them having to unzip the lizard.  Now whether or not she agrees with it is another matter, but for them, you are a bête noir.

[manfrombelow]

6 hours ago, kendahke said:

I don't think you're getting the meaning of that message.
 

That's not the olive branch you think it is.  They didn't say "work this out together". They were very clear on how this resolution needs to take place.

They most likely walked in on their child in a full blown sobbing melt down and she told them exactly what you said and what you did--and she should. Those are her parents who are always going to be in her corner no matter what. Their loyalty isn't with you.

The fact that they didn't give you an audience and left town without seeing you is a strong message.

That's them basically telling you that as far as they are concerned, this needs to be the end of you and their child, without them having to unzip the lizard.  Now whether or not she agrees with it is another matter, but for them, you are a bête noir.

I agree. 

Actions speak louder than words. And in this case, the fact they refused to give me audience and left town without seeing me was an ANSWER by itself.

As an insider, I know for sure their demeanor and attitude towards me has changed completely 180 degree.

Their message, thus, could be interpreted as:

"We welcomed you and treated you with love and respect, but you returned the favour by making our daughter all sad and stressed. You are now disliked and we are not going to help you by any means, even if we can. By hurting our daughter, you disrespected us. Hence we don't have any reason to respect you, talk to you, or even see you before we leave town. 

If you can somehow manage to get back with our daughter, we will see how it goes with a grain of salt. But surely it will take you a long time to regain our trust and respect. But if you can't get back with her? Screw you and serve you right. We don't give a damn about you anymore."

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.

P/S: That being said. Even if I can come back with my girlfriend. It will not be the same to regain her feelings. And even if I successfully regain her feelings for me to the original state, it's going to be one hell of a journey to regain her parents' respect and love for me again. This is a very likely scenario to take its course. This is a new reality I must accept, face and deal with accordingly. I will keep this topic updated. Thank you all.

Edited April 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[manfrombelow]

Before this, on all occasions that they flew here to stay with their daughter, NOT EVEN ONCE WAS I NOT INVITED to have some warm cozy loving family dinner together the night before their deparure. This is the 1st time ever that they left quietly without seeing me.

Why am I so stupid? To put it in a hillarious way, I was given the chance to "play" this "game" on Super Easy Mode, but I threw it away to play in Ultra Nightmare Mode instead.

If I can give out one single piece of heartfelt advice for any young men like me out there: DON'T EVER TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR GRANTED. YES DON'T BECOME HER DOORMAT BUT NEVER EVER TAKE HER FOR GRANTED.

Roast me all you want while bearing with me in this topic, because I do deserve it.

Edited April 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Scarlett.O'hara]

This amount of self inflicted drama doesn't sound very healthy.  It must be exhausting spending so much of you're energy on overthinking the situation.  You need to take a step back and try to relax by focusing on other things in your life.

If I had seen the rest of the thread earlier, I would have advised against sending flowers and card because you aren't going to stop thinking about it.  I have a feeling you'll be counting the minutes waiting for a response and analyzing her response to death, if/when you get one.  I hope that you stick to your plan to take a step back and give her space, even if you don't get the response you want.  I think you need some space to clear your head too.

Sometimes the best way of handling a situation is to take a step back and not engage at all, especially if you have a quick temper.  I don't think it is practical to think that you will always be able to handle a situation calmly and rationally when something upsets you.  If you are prone to being emotional, dramatic or angered easily, the best thing you can do is take yourself out of the situation to give yourself time to fully calm down and think things through with a clear head.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.  

 

[basil67]

There's no need to roast you - you're doing enough of it on your own.   Making mistakes, growing and learning is part of life.  And yes, sometimes the lessons are tough, but you will be a better man because of it.  

Also, I would say that the parents don't feel you disrespected them via their daughter.  Rather, they are simply in a position of supporting their daughter to stay away from someone who's demonstrated bad behaviour.  

[manfrombelow]

I am sorry if my self-reflected way of thinking so far has made any of you feel uneasy or even uncomfortable. I didn't mean to do that.

Like I said, I have accepted this new reality instead of clinging onto the more beautiful past, and I will act accordingly. This is a key mindset I've learnt from the Stoics, too.

Thank you @Scarlett.O'hara and @basil67 for your comforting words. I appreciate it.

I did what I could. The ball is in my girlfriend's court now. It's 100% up to her to decide to return the ball back (so the game can continue) or not. 

Thank you all.

 

Edited April 28, 2020 by manfrombelow

[ExpatInItaly]

You will also need to get at the root of what drives you to behave the way you did, OP. 

For reference, how old are you both, and how long have you been together? What sorts of things do you two argue about?

[manfrombelow]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You will also need to get at the root of what drives you to behave the way you did, OP. 

Like I said, I was so confident when she was in love with me so I took her for granted. And when I noticed she started to withdraw, I felt threatened instead of manning up, hence a chain of negative reaction and action like I did.

Edited April 28, 2020 by manfrombelow

[JTSW]

11 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

Even if I can come back with my girlfriend. It will not be the same to regain her feelings. And even if I successfully regain her feelings for me to the original state, it's going to be one hell of a journey to regain her parents' respect and love for me again.

This wont happen.

They will greatly be encouraging their daughter to never have anything to do with you again.

Who do you think she's going to listen to more? Her parents of course.

This is what i would be doing with my daughter if she was treated so badly by a guy.

[manfrombelow]

27 minutes ago, JTSW said:

This wont happen.

They will greatly be encouraging their daughter to never have anything to do with you again.

Who do you think she's going to listen to more? Her parents of course.

This is what i would be doing with my daughter if she was treated so badly by a guy.

Well I'm crossing my fingers. Thank you very much.

 

 

Edited April 28, 2020 by manfrombelow

[JTSW]

55 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

Well I'm crossing my fingers. Thank you very much.

 

 

You messed up big time. 

You've never been invited to any dinners with her parents.

They didnt want to see you this time.

What does that tell you.

They wont ever forgive and forget, I'm sorry.

[ExpatInItaly]

Y

1 hour ago, manfrombelow said:

Like I said, I was so confident when she was in love with me so I took her for granted. And when I noticed she started to withdraw, I felt threatened instead of manning up, hence a chain of negative reaction and action like I did.

What I mean is that you need to understand where your tendency to punish her with silence is coming from. 

I get that you felt anxious and confused by her distance. It's your reaction to it that you need to examine more closely. I am gathering that this isn't the first time you used silence/withdrawal as a means of getting her attention. Ask yourself where you learned that this was a good approach, and how you will better address your concerns in the future. It might be too late here, and that might have happened even without your poor choice of behaviour. Perhaps she was already thinking of ending it, hence the increased distance. But all you can do now is give her space and push her in any one direction. See what the next few days bring. 

I asked before, but I think you missed it: how old are you both, and how long have you been dating?

[manfrombelow]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Y

What I mean is that you need to understand where your tendency to punish her with silence is coming from. 

I get that you felt anxious and confused by her distance. It's your reaction to it that you need to examine more closely. I am gathering that this isn't the first time you used silence/withdrawal as a means of getting her attention. Ask yourself where you learned that this was a good approach, and how you will better address your concerns in the future. It might be too late here, and that might have happened even without your poor choice of behaviour. Perhaps she was already thinking of ending it, hence the increased distance. But all you can do now is give her space and push her in any one direction. See what the next few days bring. 

I asked before, but I think you missed it: how old are you both, and how long have you been dating?

I understood every single words in your bolded part. And now I do know precisely where my tendency to use the silent treatment with her coming from.

We have been dating for more than one year. Around late 20's.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, manfrombelow said:

We have been dating for more than one year. Around late 20's.

How frequently do you two have conflict?

I ask because you mentioned before that normally when you pull back, she comes looking for you - which leads me to believe this is a somewhat established pattern in the relationship. Can you clarify?

[manfrombelow]

59 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How frequently do you two have conflict?

About once every two months or so.

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

About once every two months or so.

And what sorts of things do you fight about? How do you two resolve them?

[manfrombelow]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what sorts of things do you fight about? How do you two resolve them?

Mostly couple trivial things that I can't really put into words here. We got angry, upset, and then either one of us made the first step to make up. 

[ExpatInItaly]

All you can do is take this as a lesson learned. 

She may decide she wants to talk things out once the dust settles, but it might also have been the straw that broke the camel's back. You said in your first post that you used harsh language with her when you confronted her about being distant. What did you say, and have you used strong language with her before? 

I'm just trying to get a sense of where her head might at right now. I'm a woman too, and have been on the receiving end of a verbal tirade that left me feeling totally differently about the guy in question. I can't speak for your girlfriend, but sometimes these things are hard to come back from. 

[manfrombelow]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All you can do is take this as a lesson learned. 

She may decide she wants to talk things out once the dust settles, but it might also have been the straw that broke the camel's back. You said in your first post that you used harsh language with her when you confronted her about being distant. What did you say, and have you used strong language with her before? 

I'm just trying to get a sense of where her head might at right now. I'm a woman too, and have been on the receiving end of a verbal tirade that left me feeling totally differently about the guy in question. I can't speak for your girlfriend, but sometimes these things are hard to come back from. 

I understand. I kind of insulted her and yes I did it before. Perhaps it's really the last straw that broke the camel's back.

Thanh you for your concern. I really appreciate it.

 

 

Edited April 28, 2020 by manfrombelow

[d0nnivain]

Has she responded in any way to the flowers & note you sent Sunday?  Did she get them yet? 

[manfrombelow]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Has she responded in any way to the flowers & note you sent Sunday?  Did she get them yet? 

She received them but has not responded in any way.

I used a shipping service out of concern she wouldn't agree to meet me if I brought them to her myself.

For now I just wait. Not in a negative way as in doing nothing while staring at my phone. I'm focused more than ever in my job and personal development now. It does help.

Thank you.

Edited April 28, 2020 by manfrombelow

[kendahke]

On 4/28/2020 at 8:18 AM, manfrombelow said:

About once every two months or so.

That mess gets old.

Quote

I kind of insulted her and yes I did it before.

yep... a pattern of behavior set up and she's rethought the wisdom in being with someone who insults her continually.

Edited April 29, 2020 by kendahke

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

I understand. I kind of insulted her and yes I did it before. Perhaps it's really the last straw that broke the camel's back.

This might finally be done, then. 

Moving forward, dig deep in yourself to figure out why you resort to insults, strong language, and silent treatment when you're upset. Have you done this with other girlfriends before her?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Since you wrote this is a pattern it's possible that she's done. However, I believe the note and flowers was the right thing to do whether or not she responds, because it's an act of grace. 

Even if you never see her again, the last memory she will have of you will be a kind gesture. Kindness is never the wrong move.

I agree with posters who are telling you to quit beating yourself up. Live and learn! Grieve and move on.

You will be a different man in your next relationship, having learned from this one. Hopefully, you will make an effort to establish generous and kind patterns in it.