We did not OFFICIALLY break up, but....

[manfrombelow]

I will keep this thread updated. Please, all of you, bear with me. I have a feeling that by surrounding myself with you, all outsiders who are not blinded by emotions like myself, I will not feel lonely and thus will have strong motivation and courage to make this work.

[basil67]

Be careful with using logic and rationality because not all disagreements - or the feelings of people we disagree with - are logic or rational.   Perhaps look at using emotions, but make them positive emotions.   Listen, understand, empathise and try to find common ground.

[manfrombelow]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Be careful with using logic and rationality because not all disagreements - or the feelings of people we disagree with - are logic or rational.   Perhaps look at using emotions, but make them positive emotions.   Listen, understand, empathise and try to find common ground.

And no trying to WIN the argument (like I did so many times before).

Only now have I realized that, there is no point in winning an argument with your lover, because if she loses, that means I lose. 

Goddamn it, how could I be this f***ing stupid?????? I hate myself so much now.

Edited April 26, 2020 by manfrombelow

[manfrombelow]

UPDATE: So after more than a day of ignoring my message, her parents just texted me this:

"Hi. We think the two of you should deal with this on your own. As parents, we always believe and respect our children's decision with the only hope that you guys are HAPPY. 

Now we are heading home. Wish you lots of luck and success"

To which I replied:

"Yes I understood. I am apologized for dragging you guys into our hassle. I was not self-controlling myself enough obviously. Please head home with ease, knowing that I now know what to do and what not to do to make ourselves happy. Have a safe and sound flight back home. Goodbye."

So, please let me know what you think?

It's obvious that her parents are not so keen on the fact that I tried to dragged them into our supposedly personal problems, and that they expected us both to behave more mature because only children ask parents to resolve problems for them. Is this way of thinking correct?

Very much appreciated! 

 

Edited April 26, 2020 by manfrombelow

[LivingWaterPlease]

i think the fact that they wrote, "with the only hope that you guys are HAPPY." is significant. And your response was good, too. Send the flowers and note after they're gone.

[manfrombelow]

11 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

i think the fact that they wrote, "with the only hope that you guys are HAPPY." is significant. And your response was good, too. Send the flowers and note after they're gone.

Thank you. Should I send the flowers and the card to her workplace or her home?

One thing still baffled me though: Why did they wait until the last minute (when they're on the way to the airport or when their plane about to take off) to reply to me? Why didn't they do it yesterday?

I'm not getting upset or whatever. I'm genuinely confused and clueless.

[manfrombelow]

17 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

i think the fact that they wrote, "with the only hope that you guys are HAPPY." is significant. 

How was that significant?

And you meant "significant" in a good or bad way?

 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

And no trying to WIN the argument (like I did so many times before).

Only now have I realized that, there is no point in winning an argument with your lover, because if she loses, that means I lose. 

Goddamn it, how could I be this f***ing stupid?????? I hate myself so much now.

Rather than win/lose, think about it as give/take.  Sometimes a partner is asking too much and we have to say No.   Or they are always taking and never giving.   If you never stand your ground, you can become a doormat, so it's good to work out which battles to fight.   We work on the theory that standing our ground should happen only for things which are super important to you.   

 

 

 

Edited April 26, 2020 by basil67

[LivingWaterPlease]

Could be one or two of many reasons they waited. 

They had other stuff going on.

They wanted to give it time and think things through.

They wanted to get a feel from their daughter about it.

Probably other reasons I can't think of. A day is not a long time to take to make a reply in their position. In yours, it must have seemed like a week!

Where did you send flowers/gifts before all of this? To her home or office? I'd do the same with this gift as you've done before.

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

One thing still baffled me though: Why did they wait until the last minute (when they're on the way to the airport or when their plane about to take off) to reply to me?

They probably wanted think about how to approach the issue.    Or if they are like me (I'm probably their age), whoever you sent it to had lost their phone or it had run out of charge.   Or left it on silent by accident.  Can't tell you how many messages I've missed because I do this.  Old people aren't always attached to their phones like your generation

Edited April 26, 2020 by basil67

[LivingWaterPlease]

2 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

How was that significant?

And you meant "significant" in a good or bad way?

 

Seems to me it was good in that they said "you guys" are HAPPY. Obviously if they were referring to the two of you, which it seems to me they were, they still consider you to be a couple and are wishing that you are happy.

[manfrombelow]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Rather than win/lose, think about it as give/take.  Sometimes a partner is asking too much and we have to say No.   Or they are always taking and never giving.   If you never stand your ground, you can become a doormat, so it's good to work out which battles to fight.   We work on the theory that standing our ground should happen only for things which are super important to you.   

I understood.

I need to pick which battle to fight, and which not to.

[manfrombelow]

8 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Could be one or two of many reasons they waited. 

They had other stuff going on.

They wanted to give it time and think things through.

They wanted to get a feel from their daughter about it.

Probably other reasons I can't think of. A day is not a long time to take to make a reply in their position. In yours, it must have seemed like a week!

Where did you send flowers/gifts before all of this? To her home or office? I'd do the same with this gift as you've done before.

Yes it did feel like a week. I got paranoid and insecure, which is bad.

I always sent flowers and cards to her workplace, because I think she could show them off with her co-workers if she wanted to. Like giving her an ego boost.

[manfrombelow]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

They probably wanted think about how to approach the issue.    Or if they are like me (I'm probably their age), whoever you sent it to had lost their phone or it had run out of charge.   Or left it on silent by accident.  Can't tell you how many messages I've missed because I do this.  Old people aren't always attached to their phones like your generation

Well, I had valid reason to get all paranoid and confused, because yes they are old but kind of tech-smart in the sense that they always replied me pretty instant before all this happened. So, replying LATE is not a common trait I've seen in them.

[manfrombelow]

11 minutes ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

Seems to me it was good in that they said "you guys" are HAPPY. Obviously if they were referring to the two of you, which it seems to me they were, they still consider you to be a couple and are wishing that you are happy.

I understood. They could have only referred to their daughter and not including me, which is worse.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, manfrombelow said:

Well, I had valid reason to get all paranoid and confused, because yes they are old but kind of tech-smart in the sense that they always replied me pretty instant before all this happened. So, replying LATE is not a common trait I've seen in them.

In that case, they took the time to make a considered response to you.  A much better outcome than telling you to bugger off.

[manfrombelow]

UPDATE:

It turned out they also texted my parents around the same time they texted me, with a message basically saying goodbye and to notify my parents that they are heading home.

So, again, please let me know your input?

So they still act like they care about all this, right? They still consider me and their daughter TOGETHER, right?

And they still respect my parents, at least enough to give them a notice of their departure, right?

Jesus Christ, my head wants to explode.

[basil67]

@manfrombelow part of your personal growth is dealing with the unknown.  Let it go out to the universe and see what comes back.

[assertives]

5 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

So they still act like they care about all this, right? They still consider me and their daughter TOGETHER, right?

No. They are just being cordial by contacting your parents. I wouldn't read too much into that.

6 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

Hi. We think the two of you should deal with this on your own. As parents, we always believe and respect our children's decision with the only hope that you guys are HAPPY. 

They have already said so in their message to you. They do not want to get involved, you two should sort it out among yourselves. Most parents just want their children to be happy. At the end of the day, if your gf does not want to continue the relationship, it isn't going to matter whether they considered you guys together or not. They will respect their daughter's decision regardless.

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

One more thing, I feel kind of disrespected when her parents completely ignored my mesage.

Do you think I should take this personal?

Not at all.   You disrespected your GF by dragging her parents into this.  She's a grown woman.  Asking her mommy & daddy for input into her adult relationship with you was infantilizing her.  

Understand something -- blood will ALWAYS pick blood.  You were absolutely wrong for involving them.  Never do it again

6 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

Thank you. Should I send the flowers and the card to her workplace or her home?

Why did they wait until the last minute (when they're on the way to the airport or when their plane about to take off) to reply to me? Why didn't they do it yesterday?

This is a private matter.  Send the flowers home.  Do not make your apology public.  If you send apology flowers to her work she will have to explain them to co workers.  If she is still so upset with you that she throws them out do not make it worse by making her have to air dirty laundry at work.  It's fine to celebrate happy things publicly but not this. 

Her parents waited until the last minute because it took them a while to formulate a polite response to your inappropriate attempt to drag them into your relationship.  They are polite people which is why they also said goodbye to your parents.   

6 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

Well, I had valid reason to get all paranoid and confused, because yes they are old but kind of tech-smart in the sense that they always replied me pretty instant before all this happened. So, replying LATE is not a common trait I've seen in them.

Again, they needed time to regroup & formulate their response.  

6 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

 

 

[manfrombelow]

Thank you everyone. I understood every single piece of input that you gave me.

Please do know I appreciate your time & effort in contributing to this topic and helping me with my personal problems.

I will keep you updated, please bear with me. Thank you!

 

Edited April 26, 2020 by manfrombelow

[JTSW]

22 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

One more thing, I feel kind of disrespected when her parents completely ignored my mesage.

Do you think I should take this personal?

No, its totally justified because you treated their daughter like crap.

No parent would be warm to someone like that.

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, manfrombelow said:

So they still act like they care about all this, right? They still consider me and their daughter TOGETHER, right?

And they still respect my parents, at least enough to give them a notice of their departure, right?

Jesus Christ, my head wants to explode.

No, they're just being polite

[Interstellar]

You have to withdraw completely. Stop calling and returning her calls and disappear for one month. Get off texting, social media, Facebook, etc..and just disappear. And you’re gonna have to change how you act and be more calm, independent, mature, and not be dependent on other people for your happiness or to fill some missing void in your life. 

Use that time to reflect and be the change you want to be.

 

Edited April 26, 2020 by Interstellar

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think you should do the note and flowers suggested earlier. Then give her space. Please don't disappear and act as if you're running away. Go about your life as normal just giving her some time.