Rinse and repeat cycle

[Will0w]

I  met MM at work.I was a mess, I had no self confidence and literally felt like I was just going through lifes motions, a rinse and repeat cycle.

Then he came a long, at first I didn't pay him any attention but as the weeks progressed so too did our interactions. For the first time, I felt that some one actually understood me, we connected. 
It all happened so fast.

His wife keeps leaving and coming back..he keeps saying (tale as old as time) that they've run their course and that they are over but history just repeats itself time and time again

I haven't seen him for almost a month now since we've been placed under lockdown , a phone call every second week to tell me that he misses me and that he hopes when he says all these things he hopes I believe him and texts every second is supposed to suffice

The funny thing is, I've felt like telling him off a few times the past few days, but as soon as I've received a stupid call or texts, I hang on to every single word and suddenly its all okay again but deep down I know that all it is, is just words,meaningless words

I shouldn't be upset and confused because I knowingly allowed myself to fall for someone who is unavailable.. 
All the red flags, he will never leave her, I'm just 'a nice to have', but here I am upset and confused and I hate that I feel this way.

[Nats_16]

Welcome to the club. I am in a similar situation myself, these men like to have their cake and eat it, even if it is not sexual they enjoy fhe who rub and break from their reality with someone else. Run run run as fast as you can, this will lead you to an unimaginable amount of pain if you don’t nip it in the bud now. We want to feel the chosen one but that does not happen, for yourself walk away and let him come to his own decisions but do not wait. Start living the life you want.

[Will0w]

Hey Nats_16

Thanks for the reply and I'm sorry that you're going through this craziness as well. 

I've tried but clearly not hard enough to walk away, Two weeks into the lockdown when I hadn't heard from him, I decided to keep it that way, until he texted and called to say that he misses me and can't wait to be with me once all this is over.. I guess a part of me is hoping for things to be different and for him to actually mean everything that he's said but time and time again I'm proven wrong and disappointed. 

[Nats_16]

Actions prove why words mean nothing. Even if deep down he does want to be with you it doesn't mean to say he is prepared to act on these feelings, but whilst you hang around waiting for his every call he will not or has no need to change the status quo. You meet some need of his but he is not and can not provide to yours as he is not available at the moment. It sounds like you have grown some unhealthy attachment to this man and the brain reacts to this in a chemical way which is why when you don't hear from him you feel physical pain. You need to break away from this and go cold turkey, if he can go for two weeks with no communication then that speaks volumes. Don't be his pick me up when he is bored. Block him and go NC and heal on yourself. We cannot change people no matter how hard we try. Trust me on that, ive been in my situation for over 2.5 years and it has honestly been the most soul destroying experience of my life. A man will do what he wants to do we cannot make them change or be stronger or realise our worth, please block him and walk away. If he comes back tell him to call you once he is single. 

[heartwhole2]

You framed it like he checks in just to tell you that *he* misses you and wants to see you when lockdown is over (yeah, I bet). You didn't make it sound like he has been concerned for your wellbeing during this time, checking in on you, offering support, etc. What does that tell you about him?

[BaileyB]

If ever you are going to break away, this would be the time. It sounds like you lose all good sense when you see him or hear his voice. Best to use this opportunity to reflect on the fact that you are not a priority to him and make this lockdown the start of no contact, if that what you want. 

[Will0w]

@Nats_16  you're right, it isn't a healthy attachment, I've let it consume me and it isn't good at all...

@heartwhole2 it appears that he is concerned with my well being when eventually remembers I exist again but you 💯 % have a point... The more that I've thought about this whole situation today, the more I've realised that it may all just have been a front, just routine on his part to make sure I'm still around.

@BaileyB I'll admit that I am weak in that regard when it to seeing and hearing from him but as you've mentioned this lockdown would be the perfect opportunity for NC, I just need to be strong about it..

 

Thank you all for the replies, much appreciated. 

[Luna66star]

I have been through a situation similar to yours.  I can tell you I wasted 3 yrs of my life.  

First of all, no contact from him for 2 wks is bad, bad news.  Get out now.  It seems impossible I know.  You are so attached. 

With my MM, I think he got a bit bored after awhile (apparently they all do eventually).  At the same time ,they want you there on the backburner "just in case".  The way I see it, when their interest wanes & they give you less attention - they have to come up with something to keep you there. Otherwise you will leave.

This is when the mind games begin.  Hot & cold.  Disappearing.  Mine started with 1 week.  Then he came back to see how I reacted.  I didn't let on  but I kept obsessing as to what he was up to during the absences.  He increased the time he was gone to 3 wks, then a month.  Here I was determined not to let on I was a mess.  He came back to love bomb each time.  I sighed a huge relief when I heard from him.   But it was always back to hot and cold though.  He had me hooked with intermittent reinforcement, a very powerful psychological manipulation tactic.

These men have to manipulate to keep you around.  After all, they're not dating us.  It's not a normal relationship.  I think it made my MM a bit crazy too as I did not show clingy behavior & just kept silent.  Found out at those times that he was stalking  FB as all of a sudden his friends/family members are coming up as "people you may know".  I never met any of them but I clicked on their profiles and MM was one of their friends. 

Anyway I wanted to share this pattern of manipulation that may surface in your case.

Hugs!

 

 

 

Edited April 25, 2020 by Luna66star

[Beentheretoooften]

Hi linds. How old are you? Him? How many kids does he have?

[Will0w]

6 hours ago, Luna66star said:

Anyway I wanted to share this pattern of manipulation that may surface in your case.

Hugs!

Hi @Luna66star

Thank you for sharing and commenting 

The mind games, the hot and cold behavior, I'm so familiar with what you've mentioned. This isn't the first instance, previously I'd attempt to go NC and he'd notice that and call or text to ask what was the matter, if he'd done something wrong or say something along the lines of 'things will get better soon or I'm never walking away, not from you' 

I'm irritated that I've allowed myself time and time again to get sucked in by this. 

[Will0w]

50 minutes ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Hi linds. How old are you? Him? How many kids does he have?

@Beentheretoooften

I'm 33, he is 42 and has 2 kids. 

[BaileyB]

My friend, I say this as someone who is older and has learned from past mistakes. You get one chance at life. You are thirty three years old, you have many years ahead of you but these next few years are going to determine the course of your life. If you want children of your own, you need to stop wasting time on a forty two year old man with two children of his own who doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going from his marriage - rather, he is apparently waiting on his wife to decide if she is coming or going from the marriage. He doesn’t care about your future, but you should. He’s living his own life, and you should be doing the same. Please don’t wait around on this man, trust me - he could be the most wonderful man in the world (which he’s not, because he’s cheating on his wife and selfishly holding you back from seeking the partner you want to find), but life gets complicated when there is a divorce and an ex wife, particularly if there are children involved. If you want a life that will bring you happiness and joy, you better quit wasting time on a dead end relationship and get busy - go find it. 

Edited April 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, Will0w said:

The mind games, the hot and cold behavior, I'm so familiar with what you've mentioned. This isn't the first instance, previously I'd attempt to go NC and he'd notice that and call or text to ask what was the matter, if he'd done something wrong or say something along the lines of 'things will get better soon or I'm never walking away, not from you' I'm irritated that I've allowed myself time and time again to get sucked in by this. 

The "problem" with married men is that they are in fact married.
They woo you, then as things settle down they realise the risk they are taking.
They introduce distance, they try to manage the risk they are taking with the need to see you,
It settles into a routine that is best for him, but is far removed from those halcyon days where he prioritised you to keep you interested.
Now he knows you are going nowhere, he does the minimum necessary to get his needs met and to keep you on a string, whilst preserving his marriage..
You on the other hand are in hell. The wonderful man you identified, treats you more like a call girl and someone he fits in when required, than the love of his life... 
 

[Lurker123]

17 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Now he knows you are going nowhere, he does the minimum necessary to get his needs met and to keep you on a string, whilst preserving his marriage..
You on the other hand are in hell. The wonderful man you identified, treats you more like a call girl and someone he fits in when required, than the love of his life... 

Elaine- this really resonated with me, thank you. The more I read on this site the more I am becoming inclined to see what the ‘long term posters‘ have been telling us all along- pretty much EVERY affair and EVERY MM follows the exact same pattern. It’s actually crazy when you think about it! How this works I have no clue and obviously this is not the case for every situation, but I think the more I read and the more I see others situations unravelling before my eyes, the more this makes sense! The thing I am always unable to get my head around (and trust me I have tried so many times), is how these MM always manage to turn everything back round onto the OW. I’m not sure if they genuinely don’t how much they’re hurting someone and are actually oblivious to it- or if they know and actually don’t care. I don’t know what’s worse. 
 

OP- I am in a similar situation to you and I know it’s hard to find strength. Please know you’re not alone x 

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

The thing I am always unable to get my head around (and trust me I have tried so many times), is how these MM always manage to turn everything back round onto the OW. I’m not sure if they genuinely don’t how much they’re hurting someone and are actually oblivious to it- or if they know and actually don’t care. I don’t know what’s worse. 

Lurker, he does this only because you allow it. I’m sorry to say, but it’s true. If, he ever said “you are the one who is giving up on us, there is nothing more he can do to show you how he feels” and you replied to say - “No, you are the person who is not able to commit to the relationship and be the man, the partner, I want in my life. I am simply making the best decision for me, as you make the best decision for you when you chose to stay in your marriage.” You would blow the air right out of his argument and he would have no valid response. The only person who can stand up and do the right thing by you, is you. He is always going to chose himself. He doesn’t need your support, but who is going to take care of you...

Edited April 26, 2020 by BaileyB

[Lurker123]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Lurker, he does this only because you allow it. I’m sorry to say, but it’s true. If, he ever said “you are the one who is giving up on us, there is nothing more he can do to show you how he feels” and you replied to say - “No, you are the person who is not able to commit to the relationship and be the man, the partner, I want in my life. I am simply making the best decision for me, as you make the best decision for you when you chose to stay in your marriage.” You would blow the air right out of his argument and he would have no valid response. The only person who can stand up and do the right thing by you, is you. He is always going to chose himself. He doesn’t need your support, but who is going to take care of you...

Bailey- thank you. However- I know what his response will be before I even say it! I said something similar a couple of weeks ago and his response was completely predictable, basically ‘how can I leave right now with everything going on and nowhere to go, I have to be here for my daughter whilst all this is going on’ how can you even argue that when it involves children!? Especially when you have your own- you end up looking like the selfish b*tch who is trying to take a father away from a daughter. I’m not making excuses- but I just know everything I say will fall on deaf ears with a rebuttal to each point. What I’m saying is ANYTHING you point out to them to try and make them understand- they have a valid excuse to turn it round on to you to make you look the selfish one 😂 Anyways, complete threadjack, just needed to ask the question. 

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

his response was completely predictable, basically ‘how can I leave right now with everything going on and nowhere to go, I have to be here for my daughter whilst all this is going on’ how can you even argue that when it involves children!? 

Yeah, we don’t want to thread jack but I wouldn’t argue with that. I would simply say, “You’ve made your choice. This obviously isn’t going to work. Goodbye.” You either continue to go round and around the same old argument, or you walk away. Those are your choices. 

[Beentheretoooften]

18 hours ago, Will0w said:

@Beentheretoooften

I'm 33, he is 42 and has 2 kids. 

You have always been single?  Everyone will tell you the same thing here.  There is extremely low chance of him leaving. Very close to zero.  From experience, he probably thinks to himself how great it would be to leave, but realistically, he will never leave especially with 2 kids! Omg, no chance.  The marriage would have to be so awful.  He probably Loves you on some level. Almost sure of it.  I think single girls find it easy to be with a mm, and an mm knows what they need.  Certainly less work at making the R work. If you want kids, ultimately you have to leave ASAP. That’s what ended my A.    I hope you can 

[Beentheretoooften]

Incredible too how mm takes a huge % of OW’s problem.   If willow knew he was M, doesnt she know any better?  A common sense, a woman’s intuition?  Shouldn’t she know not to get mixed up with a man who is married.  Or are all of you so gullible to believe everything anyone tells you.   People tend to generalize about all mm, all mm do this, all mm don’t care etc.  It’s so silly, but i suppose it makes newly scorned OW’s feel better.  There have been mm that have genuinely cared for their AP. Told them truths, maybe rare, but has happened.  But i digress.  What a bastard this mm is.  Can’t believe he tells you half truths...

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Incredible too how mm takes a huge % of OW’s problem.   If willow knew he was M, doesnt she know any better?  

I think some women enter into affairs thinking it is like singles dating.
In singles dating, girl meets a guy she likes and who likes her in return. Guy has a gf. Guy gets rid of the gf early doors. Girl and guy carry on with a proper relationship.
For some women the affair is not really considered to be an affair, it is a love story. 
Girl meets guy, "OK he is married, it may take a bit longer but he WILL get rid of the wife so we can be together." 
Add in the "future faking" many MM like to indulge in and the ILYs, then she is hooked.
Even if he says he will never leave she knows better. "He would not risk all for nothing surely?" 
She is, according to him and to herself, prettier, younger, more intelligent, sexier, more fun... than his dowdy/boring/"crazy" wife. 
Of course he will leave.
BUT many men are not in an affair looking for a replacement wife, they are only looking for "extra". someone to make their life more interesting and exciting, their marriage more bearable and that makes an extramarital affair nothing like straight forward singles dating.

[Beentheretoooften]

@elaine567 you really think single woman date married men and consider it single dating?  Lol.  Now c’mon.  You are literally giving single woman zero power. No confidence in their will power and smarts. I’m surprised at you.  It sounds like more excuses   What you say about mm looking for distractions, somebody younger , prettier etc..but you’re telling me woman can’t see it?   I don’t buy that for one second. I also believe that mm can love AP in a way that’s different.  

[JimmyNorth]

On 4/26/2020 at 7:55 AM, elaine567 said:

The "problem" with married men is that they are in fact married.
They woo you, then as things settle down they realise the risk they are taking.
They introduce distance, they try to manage the risk they are taking with the need to see you,
It settles into a routine that is best for him, but is far removed from those halcyon days where he prioritised you to keep you interested.
Now he knows you are going nowhere, he does the minimum necessary to get his needs met and to keep you on a string, whilst preserving his marriage..
You on the other hand are in hell. The wonderful man you identified, treats you more like a call girl and someone he fits in when required, than the love of his life... 
 

Coming from a MM, I would have to say that the last part of the quote is unfortunately true at times. Yes, I was loving my OW, but I also treated her like a call girl for 3.5 years.

[Maria1956]

After being involved with a MM for over 2 years, I’ve come to the rather belated conclusion that if someone wants to be with you they’d move mountains to do so. I myself am in a precarious situation with a MM (I’m also married) and I can honestly say if I could turn the clock back I wouldn’t have entered into it. The pain it’s caused has been beyond awful, my mental and physical health has suffered and my self esteem is in my boots. At 33 you’re young and able to meet someone who is available physically and emotionally. I’ve decided that once this lockdown has eased I’m going to have some therapy to unlock why I felt the need to cheat in the first place. Hopefully I’ll find some answers.

[Maria1956]

9 hours ago, JimmyNorth said:

Coming from a MM, I would have to say that the last part of the quote is unfortunately true at times. Yes, I was loving my OW, but I also treated her like a call girl for 3.5 years.

JimmyNorth this is the one feeling that I’ve been having that I’ve been denying for the past two years. I’m just a free girlfriend for an aging married man who is bored and lonely in his marriage. It’s s***. 

[JimmyNorth]

1 minute ago, Maria1956 said:

JimmyNorth this is the one feeling that I’ve been having that I’ve been denying for the past two years. I’m just a free girlfriend for an aging married man who is bored and lonely in his marriage. It’s s***. 

Is it possible that your MM sends electricity through your body everytime you’re with him? Maybe you don’t have that feeling with your husband anymore because your MM is stealing the show?!?

The sad part is sometimes us MM’s know that the OW is totally whipped on us so strongly that we “think” that the OW will never stray....but that’s not the case.

Us MM’s actually are slowly destroying our OW soul each month, each year we don’t commit to them. It takes a toll on the OW. But as a MM, we love the attention the OW gives us, we love feeling like the king the OW makes us feel like.

Meanwhile, our OW emotions are being beaten on every lonely night, weekend and holiday that we MM’s are absent from.