JadeStar Posted October 8, 2005 Share Posted October 8, 2005 My counselor who is also my preacher, called yesterday to check and see if my husband got off ok on his trip that he went on with some of the men from the church. I was outside and as we were talking, I guess he heard me light up my cigerette. So he says to me, "I guess you're smoking?" I told him "yes". For those of you that don't know I smoke been smoking since I was 17 now 35. Anyway I told him I was wanting to quit and how I felt I could do it by myself it was just a matter of me wanting too. Anyway I then say to him, I didn't expect him to understand about my addiction to smoking since he probably didn't have any addictions. He stopped me dead in my tracks and says to me he has some addictions. One was eating, he loves to eat (and hes not even that big of a man), anyway the next thing he tells me he has an addiction to is sex. Now, he is married with 2 teenage boys and seems to be happily married. However, I didn't touch that one with a ten foot pole when he told me that. I wasn't sure if he was meaning sex with his wife, or he loved sex in general. I do know he has told me before that he could have chosen to live alife like his father which was cheating etc, but didn't want that for himself. Got married out of college and decided he wanted to do what was right and stay on the right path. I'm assumming hes meaning addicted to the sex he has with his wife, I was just taken back a little by it. Guess he was just trying to let me know that since I had an addiction to smoking, that just because he was a preacher didn't mean he was free of addictions too. Is that what it sounds like to others? It was just weird hearing that from him. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 although it's a gross thing to have to think about, one's minister/pastor being a sex addict, I think he may have revealed that to create a sense of understanding ... at least I hope this is what it was!!! :sick: Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 Yeah I think he was just trying to say that he understood addictions in reference to mine with smoking, and that even though hes a preacher he has addictions and weakness too, and that just because hes a preacher he is human. However, when he told me that I did get a real quick visual LOL Jade Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 although it's a gross thing to have to think about, one's minister/pastor being a sex addict, :sick: Why? Is sex bad? BTW, he probably meant addiction to porn. But I am amazed by his honesty and compassion. Or... maybe he just wanted to screw you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 Why? Is sex bad? BTW, he probably meant addiction to porn. But I am amazed by his honesty and compassion. Or... maybe he just wanted to screw you! LOL screw me? Maybe if he had said, "I have an addiction to sex, will you help me out?" Then I might could understand why you say that. But he didn't. I think he was just being frank about addictions in the fact that I'm not alone with my addiction to smoking. I doubt it was an addiction to porn, I think he was meaning sex with the wife. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 I think this was a man who has the hots for you and knows your hubby is out of town and is NOT happy at home this was a way to test the water. Your response was inconclusive, so I might expect another phone call (maybe not as obvious) before hubby returns--maybe asking about you trying to quit to test the waters more. Don't be so naive people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 First of all if you go back and read my post, I said he called to see if my husband got off ok when leaving for his trip from the church. The preacher does this to all familys checking on them when a spouse has gone on this spiritual journay trip. Its part of what he does. So he didn't call just because hubby was out of town. He has never been one to say/do anything out of the way. Maybe others think that what he said was out of line, I agree it was kind of weird, I don't feel it was out of line though. He is human just like we all are and once again I will say I think he was just letting me know that we all may have addcitions/habits to a point, and that even though hes a preacher he has faults too. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 You asked what it sounds like to others. I offered my opinion. Take it or leave it, but all I am saying is to be cautious. How many preacher/priest stories do you need to hear? Did he mention his sexual addiction to the other wives? Would this have been mentioned to 65 yr old Thelma? It is unfortunate, but all too many people who are in positions of "authority"--teachers, preachers, police, etc. are also in the position to abuse and take advantage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 You are correct, I did ask what it sounds like to others. You opinon is fine and I accept it. I also understand what you're saying about preachers/teachers, people in authority etc. However I may be wrong but thats probably not the case with him, being that I have known him for a few years now. Sure he may have had other intentions when he said what he said, its highly possible, however I do not feel it is probable. Like I said I may be wrong. And I will be cautious, just looks to me like after talking with him for 3 years if he was gonna do/say something out of line he would have done it by now, once again I may be wrong. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 But I am amazed by his honesty and compassion. I'm not I wanna puke. Or... maybe he just wanted to screw you! eeewwwwww!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 Why is it so unusual if a minister wants to get some on aside? They are ministers, not angels... Besides, letting someone addicted to cigarettes know that he is addicted to sex is kinda odd, dontcha think? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 The food addiction is fine, but honestly, him telling you that he has a sex addiction was stupid. That's just my opinion though. There really was no point in him telling you that, except to perk your curosity and see your reaction. Again, just my take on it. I'm kinda with 933KJL on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 I'm kinda with 933KJL on this one. Aw shucks..like a date? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 I agree with you WWIP, simply because now that I think about it when he said he had addictions too, he could have just said he had the addcition to food and that he liked to eat, and he didn't even have to say anything about the sex addcition, so yeah maybe it was to see what I might would say or how I would react. But like I said I didn't say anything about it. I was to taken back by it. He has used his family/wife as examples sometimes when talking about things to make a point. However according to him, he has always met his wives needs in all areas of the marraige and she has met his. To hear him tell it, its just the best relationship in the world. I do know he has said in 23 years of marraige they have hit bumps in the road just as we all have, and maybe over time it was something they had to learn. He is great person but I do have to say sometimes when making a point about his relationship with his wife he comes across bragging. I remember telling him once that sometimes things are not always what they seem, and he told me,"Sometimes they are exactly what they seem." When I asked what he meant by that, he says, "When I tell you how my relationship is with my family/wife, then thats exactly the way it is." However, if its exactly the way he says it is, then wonder why he made it a point to tell me he had an addcition to sex, unless its like WWIP said, maybe he wanted to see what I'd say. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 However, if its exactly the way he says it is, then wonder why he made it a point to tell me he had an addcition to sex, unless its like WWIP said, maybe he wanted to see what I'd say. And then the next question arises naturally: why would he be interested in your reaction? So you can say "Oh, you little devil!"? What could possibly your reaction be? You are trying to figure whether he meant addicted to sex with his wife or something else. I think he was just starting a conversation about sex. Have had this happened to me many times. Once I had a boss who told me he quit smoking and his sex became much better due to that. He happened to have asked me twice to go to dinner with him (which I refused) and talked about sex and girls with his friends in front of me. Whenever you wonder what a guy wants from you - it's sex. But this shouldn't surprise you more than if any other married guy asked you. Guys make advances to women all the time. They want a fresh ass in their bed. Yes, they want sex. This is a natural desire as old as the human race. Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 Regardless of preacher man`s intentions his mentioning a sex addiction was inappropriate. He should be discussing this with a trusted deacon or counselor, not a married woman of the congregation. Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 Where is Moose on this. I bet he might have an opinon or two Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 Good idea to ask him what he meant? Could it open up a can of worms? Possibly. Maybe if I asked he would say he was referring to being addcited to sex with the wife. Which is what I think, but then again who knows. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 I suspect that your preacher was making a move on you. Calling to check if everything went ok with your husband doesn`t really make sense. Here is the thing. Someone such as a minister who has an ulterior motive has to be very cautious in his behavior. The ruse of calling to check on people frequently covers his ass. But, it comes out in time....when the moment is right. And preacher decided the moment was right with you. Hubby is out of town for a while. He was looking for a wild streak in you. But being very subtle about it. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 neptune, I understand what you're saying,and in response to what you said about him calling, he calls all peoples familys when a spouse has gone on one of these retreats. They have a mens retreat which is now. Where some of the men go and then in March they have a womens retreat, which is the one I will be attending. I'm sure when I'm gone on the retreat in March he will call my husband too. So when the men go on the retreat he calls the wives and when they women go he calls the men. Its part of what he does. I have talked to a friend of mine that goes to another church that has these retreats as well, and she told me her preacher at her church does the same thing. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 JadeStar, Really there is no way to know for sure what his intentions were. But mentioning a sex addiction was inappropriate. Ask 25 ministers and get 25 answers. You will find very few in favor of that as a way to relate to someone with addictions. The greatest of evil is found in the holiest of places. There is a reason for that. Mainly because of opportunity. True, the minister calls all the time as a good gesture. But, let that little itch get the better of him and those calls will serve an ulterior purpose. Those calls pose a temptation to a man (or woman) with a roving libido. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted October 9, 2005 Share Posted October 9, 2005 There's nothing wrong with a leader of the Church confessing his sins to the body. There is something wrong with mentioning sex addiction to a member who's is of the opposite sex, and alone at that. If he felt the need to mention this to you, it should've been done in the presence of your husband, or another Church member. Not in a private conversation. Personally, his sex addiction should've been kept between him and God, and he knows that too. I have to agree with the others when they say to proceed with caution. As far as knowing what his intentions where, (whether or not he said this to, "test the waters"), I would ask your pastor if he minds you sharing the knowledge of his addiction with your husband. See what kind of reaction you get from him. If he asks you to keep this between you and him, then you'll know. If he can share this with you, and his intentions were pure, he wouldn't have a problem with sharing this with your husband as well. Then, if you want to help him grow spiritually, (yes people, even followers can edify the leaders), explain to him how uncomfortable it made you feel. The quick image in your mind he caused. Don't share this with anyone else either. I don't think your pastor has very much experience. Is he new to Church leadership? Anyway, you don't want to be the carrier of the disease that'll destroy him. Let us know how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JadeStar Posted October 9, 2005 Author Share Posted October 9, 2005 Hi Moose, I guess you all are right. Maybe I was just blind in the fact that he is such a good caring person that I refused to see that it was maybe inapproperiate. I saw it as odd, but not inapproeirate. I guess what might be that way to me might not be for others and vice versa. You asked how long has he been in the ministry? The answer is for 20 years. He is what I call a "cakeman".(or he seems that way) Theres 2 different kinds of "cakemen", you got the ones that want their cake and eat it to, by being married and going out cheating, then you got ones that are married, have no intensions of cheating and probably wouldn't, but like having their egos fed by women giving them compliments, or him saying something to them so he can see how they react, so he gets his ego stroked so to speak without really ever crossing the line as far a physically. I think hes the cakeman that is married with no intensions of cheating but likes to get a rise out of others. Guess thats still inappropeirate too though. Thanks again. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I have to agree with the other posters that was inappropiate for a preacher to be discussing that with a woman especially when your husband wasn't there.. You say you been counseling with him for a couple of yrs ... You think maybe he has a thing for you .. This was his way of telling you what he likes!!! Maybe he was meaning his wife but i highly doubt !! I think he has the hots for you!!!! Then he could be the cake man type.... Good LUCK Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I wasn't sure if he was meaning sex with his wife, or he loved sex in general. A religous man who is devout to his wife would not make that comment esp to one of his flock. Most likely he was coming on to you or "feeling you out" to see what you would say.... Be careful with these "holier than thou" types....even a preacher heart can be ruled by the devil. Link to post Share on other sites
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