Husband had an affair and left me....

[angel4eva]

Not really sure where to start to be honest... myself and H have been together 18 years since being teenagers (we’ve only ever been with each other) we have two young children 3 and 7 and been married 5 years. He was always my best friend, he was my everything and I loved our family. 

Well our problems started over a couple of years ago, basically I had family things going off in my life and tried to talk to him about it, but he wasn’t the best listener and was always on his phone (playing games or reading) and I’d ask him to put his phone down so we could spend time together but he’d get annoyed and say what do you want to talk about... however if he ever had his friend come and stay over occasionally with us he would chat away and hold conversation after conversation...I used to envy this and wished he’d talk to me like this (I didn’t mean every night just occasionally) It was the same with any of his friends. I forever told him I wasn’t happy and couldn’t carry on like this, I also felt he only ever showed me any affection when he wanted sex, he wouldn’t bother normally and that upset me and i expressed this to him. It all seemed to go unheard. 

During this time I met a man who I got on well with as friends (never thought anything of it). The more I felt unloved by my H the more I began to like the other man though. He listened to me and we had a laugh together, that was it and I began to really like him but just put it down to a crush that would blow over. On a drunken night out with mutual friends we’d both had a few and it was obvious we both liked each other. We ended up having a flirt and a kiss and that together but we stopped ourselves from sleeping together. After a couple of weeks of the odd kiss here and there and feeling awkward around each other (me being married and him in an on/off relationship). We ended it as it wasn’t fair. I did feel bad but I also felt really unhappy, and also slightly annoyed as I knew this never would have happened had I been given the attention by my H. I just wouldn’t have allowed them feelings in the first place. We still saw each other after that and nothing ever happened again..I have continued my life plodding along. Obviously I still liked him for a while after and to this day 2 years later I miss that time feeling (because it was a time I used to smile and felt liked by someone).
 

Anyway around the time of this happening my H started a new job. He must have worked there several months and I started to become suspicious of a girl he worked with. She would message him a lot about what she was eating, problems with her bf etc etc. He didn’t always reply but I didn’t  understand the need for it. Anyway he went out on a work night out one night and she picked him up. I was ok about it because he promised me it was me who he loved. 
 

The following day he was off with me and this continued for the next two weeks, and in that time I questioned what on earth had happened and why he was being off with me and he said it was all in my head. We didn’t get on great those 2 weeks. I then said to my H, the OW hasn’t messaged for a bit (he said no I told her to stop sending messages because I didn’t need to know it - turns out he told her not to send them because I was suspicious). One Friday night after he had put a post on a social media site, she private messaged him on there...I happened to see it and asked him to respond. He wouldn’t so I did and it all began to unravel that night.. he told her on the night out that he had feelings for her...in them two weeks they spoke a lot and two days before I found out they had met up together and slept together. He’s asked to meet her again..but they never got to that bit because I caught them out. Once I had found out, he told me he was very sorry but he wanted to be with her and not me. Naturally I told him to pack his bags. He went to her and they said they were going to make a go of it. I told her partner. I confronted OW and 2 days later she told me she was going to make a go of it with her boyfriend. My H looked annoyed then said he wanted to be with me. Obviously I feel second best. He stayed, we’ve got two children together. Wasn’t that easy to just say goodbye. 
 

Safe to say I’m absolutely heartbroken. It has destroyed me. Confidence has taken a massive knock, and I feel paranoid if he’s on his phone, feel ugly the usual feelings. Obviously I can’t believe he did this to me, he swore he’d never hurt me. I felt unloved before all this and now...well!! This happened a year ago and in that time, I had to deal with the loss of my Dad too and they continued to work together for a long time. It’s been the hardest year of my life. They no longer work together but I have the memories of them two together and what happened etched in my head and it hurts. I feel angry, sad...every emotion you name it. One thing I’m not is happy! Obviously when all this came out I told him about what happened with me and OM and how it came to it. He was shocked. He won’t tell me why he went with OW just said it just happened, but that was all planned...messages etc deleted and confirmed date to meet up to talk about their feelings for each other. He had chance to stop it after he confessed his feelings for her on a drunken night out (nothing happened that night) he could have stopped but clearly didn’t want too. He initiated everything.  
 

He says we can get through this and wants to try counselling. I don’t know what on earth I want anymore. I feel lost, hurt and unloved to be honest. 

 

 

 

[Realitysux]

1 hour ago, angel4eva said:

Not really sure where to start to be honest... myself and H have been together 18 years since being teenagers (we’ve only ever been with each other) we have two young children 3 and 7 and been married 5 years. He was always my best friend, he was my everything and I loved our family. 

Well our problems started over a couple of years ago, basically I had family things going off in my life and tried to talk to him about it, but he wasn’t the best listener and was always on his phone (playing games or reading) and I’d ask him to put his phone down so we could spend time together but he’d get annoyed and say what do you want to talk about... however if he ever had his friend come and stay over occasionally with us he would chat away and hold conversation after conversation...I used to envy this and wished he’d talk to me like this (I didn’t mean every night just occasionally) It was the same with any of his friends. I forever told him I wasn’t happy and couldn’t carry on like this, I also felt he only ever showed me any affection when he wanted sex, he wouldn’t bother normally and that upset me and i expressed this to him. It all seemed to go unheard. 

During this time I met a man who I got on well with as friends (never thought anything of it). The more I felt unloved by my H the more I began to like the other man though. He listened to me and we had a laugh together, that was it and I began to really like him but just put it down to a crush that would blow over. On a drunken night out with mutual friends we’d both had a few and it was obvious we both liked each other. We ended up having a flirt and a kiss and that together but we stopped ourselves from sleeping together. After a couple of weeks of the odd kiss here and there and feeling awkward around each other (me being married and him in an on/off relationship). We ended it as it wasn’t fair. I did feel bad but I also felt really unhappy, and also slightly annoyed as I knew this never would have happened had I been given the attention by my H. I just wouldn’t have allowed them feelings in the first place. We still saw each other after that and nothing ever happened again..I have continued my life plodding along. Obviously I still liked him for a while after and to this day 2 years later I miss that time feeling (because it was a time I used to smile and felt liked by someone).
 

Anyway around the time of this happening my H started a new job. He must have worked there several months and I started to become suspicious of a girl he worked with. She would message him a lot about what she was eating, problems with her bf etc etc. He didn’t always reply but I didn’t  understand the need for it. Anyway he went out on a work night out one night and she picked him up. I was ok about it because he promised me it was me who he loved. 
 

The following day he was off with me and this continued for the next two weeks, and in that time I questioned what on earth had happened and why he was being off with me and he said it was all in my head. We didn’t get on great those 2 weeks. I then said to my H, the OW hasn’t messaged for a bit (he said no I told her to stop sending messages because I didn’t need to know it - turns out he told her not to send them because I was suspicious). One Friday night after he had put a post on a social media site, she private messaged him on there...I happened to see it and asked him to respond. He wouldn’t so I did and it all began to unravel that night.. he told her on the night out that he had feelings for her...in them two weeks they spoke a lot and two days before I found out they had met up together and slept together. He’s asked to meet her again..but they never got to that bit because I caught them out. Once I had found out, he told me he was very sorry but he wanted to be with her and not me. Naturally I told him to pack his bags. He went to her and they said they were going to make a go of it. I told her partner. I confronted OW and 2 days later she told me she was going to make a go of it with her boyfriend. My H looked annoyed then said he wanted to be with me. Obviously I feel second best. He stayed, we’ve got two children together. Wasn’t that easy to just say goodbye. 
 

Safe to say I’m absolutely heartbroken. It has destroyed me. Confidence has taken a massive knock, and I feel paranoid if he’s on his phone, feel ugly the usual feelings. Obviously I can’t believe he did this to me, he swore he’d never hurt me. I felt unloved before all this and now...well!! This happened a year ago and in that time, I had to deal with the loss of my Dad too and they continued to work together for a long time. It’s been the hardest year of my life. They no longer work together but I have the memories of them two together and what happened etched in my head and it hurts. I feel angry, sad...every emotion you name it. One thing I’m not is happy! Obviously when all this came out I told him about what happened with me and OM and how it came to it. He was shocked. He won’t tell me why he went with OW just said it just happened, but that was all planned...messages etc deleted and confirmed date to meet up to talk about their feelings for each other. He had chance to stop it after he confessed his feelings for her on a drunken night out (nothing happened that night) he could have stopped but clearly didn’t want too. He initiated everything.  
 

He says we can get through this and wants to try counselling. I don’t know what on earth I want anymore. I feel lost, hurt and unloved to be honest. 

 

 

 

Yea, I don't blame you. As much as it hurts, you weren't his first choice so let him go. If you are in a relationship then you should feel secure. My guess is once you get out if this, you can start to love yourself more. It  does get easier. Someone who loves you and is present would not hurt you. You don't want to settle or be someone he settles for. No man will ever make me feel worthless, he can walk. 

Edited April 26, 2020 by Realitysux

[FMW]

If you think you can participate in the counseling then try it, just so you know you've done what you can to save your marriage.  But if you don't have any desire left to work on things at all, including the counseling, then the writing is probably on the wall.

Honestly, people rarely if ever change.  You said you'd been together 18 years but the problems started a few years ago.  Before a few years ago was he attentive and did he engage in conversations with you?  Did you have what you wanted in the relationship or were you just coasting along because it was what you were used to? 

What woke me up to look clearly at my marriage was developing feelings for someone else.  A few regular posters on the infidelity section of this forum will tell you that's the reason you're unhappy, that you found someone else to go to and wasn't paying attention to your husband.  But in my case I didn't  want or need anyone to be with, I just didn't want to face divorce and everything that came with it after 23 years.  But developing feelings for someone else showed me that I was still capable of really feeling alive and happy and that I had become increasingly numb to life in a dead marriage.  My husband had been unfaithful to me repeatedly for several years, yet he still was very upset about my wanting a divorce.  He didn't want to lose the security/stability that I and our marriage provided.    

So you have to figure out the reality of your situation.  Do you want to try to stay with your husband because of who he is and who you are together?  If you're only staying out of security and stability, then you have to decide if you're willing to continue that way going forward. 

Your husband was actually willing to leave you for another woman, and only came back after she decided to stay with what she had.  That isn't something that's going to be easy to ever forget.    

 

[Realitysux]

1 hour ago, Realitysux said:

Yea, I don't blame you. As much as it hurts, you weren't his first choice so let him go. If you are in a relationship then you should feel secure. My guess is once you get out if this, you can start to love yourself more. It  does get easier. Someone who loves you and is present would not hurt you. You don't want to settle or be someone he settles for. No man will ever make me feel worthless, he can walk. 

I have had about enough of love and relationship talk so i am going to leave this post. It's gets a bit draining after a while. I honestly think if he chose her then you are second best to him. He chose this women and she said no. I had a guy reject me recently then try to give me advice. If you reject the person, if you chose someone else, they loose you. They don't get to be in your life or know what happens next. It's over. You don't really have second chances in life unfortunately, it's just the way it goes. 

[angel4eva]

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Edited April 26, 2020 by angel4eva
Replied in wrong place

[angel4eva]

14 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I have had about enough of love and relationship talk so i am going to leave this post. It's gets a bit draining after a while. I honestly think if he chose her then you are second best to him. He chose this women and she said no. I had a guy reject me recently then try to give me advice. If you reject the person, if you chose someone else, they loose you. They don't get to be in your life or know what happens next. It's over. You don't really have second chances in life unfortunately, it's just the way it goes. 

I totally agree with you, and I’ve always said if he ever did anything like that to me then that would be it...it’s hard with kids, a mortgage and our length of time together. To be honest, I’d totally give the same advice as you to someone else but when your actually living a situation everything just becomes blurred! 

[angel4eva]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

If you think you can participate in the counseling then try it, just so you know you've done what you can to save your marriage.  But if you don't have any desire left to work on things at all, including the counseling, then the writing is probably on the wall.

Honestly, people rarely if ever change.  You said you'd been together 18 years but the problems started a few years ago.  Before a few years ago was he attentive and did he engage in conversations with you?  Did you have what you wanted in the relationship or were you just coasting along because it was what you were used to? 

What woke me up to look clearly at my marriage was developing feelings for someone else.  A few regular posters on the infidelity section of this forum will tell you that's the reason you're unhappy, that you found someone else to go to and wasn't paying attention to your husband.  But in my case I didn't  want or need anyone to be with, I just didn't want to face divorce and everything that came with it after 23 years.  But developing feelings for someone else showed me that I was still capable of really feeling alive and happy and that I had become increasingly numb to life in a dead marriage.  My husband had been unfaithful to me repeatedly for several years, yet he still was very upset about my wanting a divorce.  He didn't want to lose the security/stability that I and our marriage provided.    

So you have to figure out the reality of your situation.  Do you want to try to stay with your husband because of who he is and who you are together?  If you're only staying out of security and stability, then you have to decide if you're willing to continue that way going forward. 

Your husband was actually willing to leave you for another woman, and only came back after she decided to stay with what she had.  That isn't something that's going to be easy to ever forget.    

 

When you ask me was he attentive before this began...before children...Yes he was...well I think he was, maybe I never needed it the same way like I needed it a few years. We’ve always had a pretty plain sailing time really and no struggles along the way, but i would say problems that have arisen along the way and I’ve needed him, he’s very matter of a fact...and I think always has been but I’m noticing it more now! He’s not a bad person but just doesn’t have the empathy I probably crave from him. 
 

I think we’ve both just been familiar with each other but happy and contented...but outside problems have arisen and I think brought problems into the relationship looking back. 

I totally get the feeling alive again (I did) with OM even though it never really went anywhere...I felt a spark! I know that doesn’t last in a long term relationship anyway....

I bring it up a lot about his affair as it hurts me massively and I can’t imagine a time when it won’t. He just tells me his head was a mess and he didn’t know what he wanted and he was a big mess. I say that doesn’t excuse what happened and it hurts that even when I found out he didn’t choose me there and then. 
 

I don’t know what to think, he’s all I have known. My MIL says I should think of the children...and says you can see how sorry he is. I just feel a mess and don’t know where my head is at anymore. I can be ok with him one minute then something triggers them thoughts and I hate him. I don’t think I’ll ever look at him the same way again.

[Realitysux]

Well when your kids are older you can always go find a relationship full of passion. You can have an open marriage so you get what you need and you still have the family together for the kids. Packing up and leaving with kids isn't easy but being with this man forever after he chose her isn't that great for you either. Decisions , decisions ! I am glad I don't have that problem. 

[Blind-Sided]

Actually.... Just file for divorce.

I'm listening to you say you feel cheated, and betrayed, and having "Ugly' feelings because he cheated.  But lets face it... you did the same exact thing. OK... maybe you didn't have sex... but continuous meetings, with kisses with FEELINGS to me is just as bad.  This other man wasn't your husband.  Period. 

I'm sorry for the situation you are in... but you have also mentally checked out, and you have justified your actions somehow, and made them "Not as bad" as what your husband did.

[angel4eva]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Actually.... Just file for divorce.

I'm listening to you say you feel cheated, and betrayed, and having "Ugly' feelings because he cheated.  But lets face it... you did the same exact thing. OK... maybe you didn't have sex... but continuous meetings, with kisses with FEELINGS to me is just as bad.  This other man wasn't your husband.  Period. 

I'm sorry for the situation you are in... but you have also mentally checked out, and you have justified your actions somehow, and made them "Not as bad" as what your husband did.

No totally, I know what I did was wrong..it shouldn’t have happened and I know that...but in all fairness I had told him for months how unhappy I was and he wasn’t listening to me...I felt very unloved...to me that should have been a wake up call that something wasn’t right.. Believe it or not I only ever wanted my H and when he wasn’t there for me my head got turned by someone who showed me attention which I was fighting for from my H. 

However what gets me is how he was there for someone else when it should have been me. 

[d0nnivain]

On 4/26/2020 at 11:27 AM, angel4eva said:

He says we can get through this and wants to try counselling. I don’t know what on earth I want anymore. I feel lost, hurt and unloved to be honest. 

You justified having an EA with another man & kissing him blaming your H for not paying enough attention to you.  You H too felt neglected & he found solace in the arms of another woman.   You BOTH cheated so you don't get to climb on some high horse & blame him for the failings of your marriage. 

Your H recognizes that there are problems.  He's willing to get professional intervention to keep your family together.  You seem to want to throw it all away. 

Frankly you both sound immature.  You married without tasting the world & now you are parents.  Your eldest child bound you before you married.  Then you thought some how that being married was going to make it all better, all easier & that being married would mean you both didn't have to work on yourselves or your marriage.  Now you know you were both wrong.  A counselor can help you find that balance -- the one you never achieved on your own because you know nothing of relationships never having had them except with each other & your respective APs. 

You made mistakes.  You can fix them working together with a counselor.  Or you can throw your marriage away & become another statistic.  The choice is yours.  

[FMW]

Without getting all into the weeds here on this and saying whether one was worse than the other, angel chose to end her emotional dalliance.  Her husband chose the other woman, but then the OW ended it.  He came back because he no longer had somewhere else to go.   

I think THAT would be the hardest thing to move past.  

 

   

[stillafool]

Well knowing that he chose the OW over you but couldn't have her, you not being able to get over it but not wanting to leave him; what do you plan to do?

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You BOTH cheated so you don't get to climb on some high horse & blame him for the failings of your marriage.

I agree.  You both cheated he just fell in love.

[Realitysux]

I would not be with that man at all tbh. If my husband (and I'm divorced) did that to me, I would not be working things out. There's too much out there to settle with someone who doesn't make the sex amazing. If you can still get the good stuff out if that then kudos but if not, at least have an affair. Keep him for the kids but distance yourself. If you want to leave with the kids then that's an option but I wouldn't give him your all anymore at all. 

Edited April 28, 2020 by Realitysux

[angel4eva]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You justified having an EA with another man & kissing him blaming your H for not paying enough attention to you.  You H too felt neglected & he found solace in the arms of another woman.   You BOTH cheated so you don't get to climb on some high horse & blame him for the failings of your marriage. 

Your H recognizes that there are problems.  He's willing to get professional intervention to keep your family together.  You seem to want to throw it all away. 

Frankly you both sound immature.  You married without tasting the world & now you are parents.  Your eldest child bound you before you married.  Then you thought some how that being married was going to make it all better, all easier & that being married would mean you both didn't have to work on yourselves or your marriage.  Now you know you were both wrong.  A counselor can help you find that balance -- the one you never achieved on your own because you know nothing of relationships never having had them except with each other & your respective APs. 

You made mistakes.  You can fix them working together with a counselor.  Or you can throw your marriage away & become another statistic.  The choice is yours.  

We had been together for over 10 years before we had our eldest child and were very happy, and were up until things began to change which you don’t always notice straight away..  we were completely happy when we got married it was the next step and we both wanted to be married. This started a couple of years after being married. We didn’t try to fix things getting married. There was nothing to fix.

I’m not making excuses for what I did at all ...but in my defence it wasn’t like I hadn’t tried...I told him how unhappy I was for months but he didn’t listen...did he expect me to just continue..clearly. That isn’t a reason but it’s a why it went that way. Wrong yes! 

[angel4eva]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

I agree.  You both cheated he just fell in love.

I’m not climbing on my horse but I had tried to fix things long before all this began...he just didn’t listen to me and how unhappy I was. 

[scooby-philly]

@angel4eva - I believe you need to decide between 3 paths right now - are you 100% into trying to fix this marriage, do you give each other a little bit of space for a define period of time - a week, a month, etc., or do you end it. 

I have to agree with other posters. You cheated. Even though you didn't sleep with this OM, you not only let feelings develop for him, you pursued them to a certain extant, and you didn't just have "one drunken night" makeout session - you did it multiple times after (presumably some were sober). I don't mean to point that out as an attack. I'm simply pointing out that you and your husband are equally to blame for the current state of affairs. Now we don't get to hear his side of the story. He could have felt unloved by you as much as you felt unloved by him. Again, I don't say that as a matter of judgment, just letting you know we're only hearing your take on things. When you realized you weren't getting what you needed you could have been a lot more honest, a lot more blunt, and a lot more straight to the point - either we fix this or this marriage ends. But you didn't and you allowed yourself to get into an emotional and psychological place where you cheated. And who knows how your actions/thoughts may have pushed your husband away (and no, that's not absolving him from his part - he was equally to blame as I said).

And I'll be blunt as hell for your sake - a lot of men don't have the emotional makeup to be "good husbands" in trying times. Unfortunately we raise 90% of men to either be douche-bag frat boys that are immature forever, soulless, mindless drones who zone out of life because of the way they were raised, or sociopaths aiming only for trophies, titles, and titties. Just as most women aren't raised to be healthy, sensual, balanced, hard working but down to earth. The question is - what do you want? And the bigger realization maybe - underneath everything maybe you two weren't really compatible because you were both afraid of your emotions, married young, and started a family before you ever had your first "rough spot". A LOT of couples can go 5, 10, 20, 40 years together and then boom - something traumatic hits for the first time in the relationship and one or more partner looks at the other and says "wow, THIS is what I married?". And there's no realistic way to necessarily know that ahead of time, especially in our society that values rote learning, a linear career path, and conspicoius consumption over spiritual growth, emotional maturity, and honesty over "politeness". I'd suggest talking with my buddy and bff @lonelyplanetmoon. She's be a great resource for me and as helped me understand my recent break up and how a lot of people aren't emotionally cut out for relationships.