Should I give a second chance?

[Shomes917]

Hi,

 

Recently, I’ve been going through a lot and I would just like some objective advice on my situation.

 

Nearly a year ago, I went through a breakup with my first boyfriend; he broke up with me and we had been together for nearly five years. He was my best friend and the relationship was an anchor in some very tough times of my life. I have a long history with anxiety and depression, and he was a constant in my life of change, which gave me comfort. 

 

The breakup was quite messy. He definitely could’ve handled it better. He didn’t communicate issues with me, and instead left in a very insensitive way. At that point in time, I didn’t even know why the relationship ended. But over the past year, I have had time to reflect, and I can truthfully say I was equally responsible for its ending. In retrospection, I’ve come to realize how my poor mental health, anxious attachment style, and strive for perfectionism affected our relationship and his wellbeing. 

 

When it ended, I didn’t have the insights I had now, so the narrative that I told my family and friends was heavily based off a place of pain and misunderstanding, leading them to believe he was the toxic one. I understand why they’d think so, however, I know for a fact that he never intended to hurt me. Instead, the relationship was a toxic cycle and neither of us were mature enough to realize how we were contributing to it.

 

A year later, he wants a second chance. Over the past few months, we have had discussions about our mental health, and have shifted poor perspectives to much healthier ones. For example, we have discussed topics surrounding codependency, constructive ways of dealing with anger, etc. and I strongly believe that we have a good shot at a healthy relationship. 

 

The issue right now is, I have been torn in indecision for ages. Firstly, because I’m struggling to trust that I can make good decisions (this has always been a problem of mine), I’m afraid of failure (he tried to come back before and was indecisive, but I don’t think he was ready at the time), and mostly, I know that my family and friends will all be against me and I in no way want to lose them to be with him. I read a lot about how our loved ones might see things we don’t and therefore should take their opinions into consideration, but in my case, their opinion is based heavily on their biased perspective of the breakup which I take responsibility for.

 

In the end, the indecision is hurting me more than making a mistake. But feeling like I’ll either have to leave him, and live with the loss, or disappoint everyone else in my life is making me severely depressed, like I have no way out. 

Edited April 26, 2020 by Shomes917
Mistake

[Realitysux]

Yea, I think you should chose the guy if he still likes you. Your family doesn't really need to be involved in your relationship at all. 

[d0nnivain]

Your family has been through all of this with you.  They know you & your issues.  Anybody listening to a close friend or relative go through a break up knows they are only hearing one side & it's biased.  That is human nature.   

If you get back with your EX & you both behave well, everybody will overlook whatever was said in pain & anger by you about him during the break up.  Do not let that factor into your decision. 

Your perfectionism is making you fearful of making a mistake.  You need to work to get past that.  I struggle with it daily so I know it's easier said then done.  Try to remember that even if you make a mistake, decisions can be changed; things evolve & life goes on.  

I'd advise you to do a pros & cons list.  When you see everything on paper that should help guide you about what to do in terms of reconciling or not.  

[ShyViolet]

Unless your ex exhibited abusive behavior towards you in the past, your friends and family have no right to pressure you or guilt you about your decision whether to get back together with this guy.  You should make your own decision and do what you truly feel is right.  If you truly feel that you have both grown and worked on yourselves, and you want to give it another shot, then you should do what you want.  And if your friends and family turn against you for it, then either there is something really bad about him that you're not telling us, or they are being really unfair and out of line.

[Shomes917]

Thanks for your advice everyone. 
 

I agree with everything you all said. He was never physically abusive, but I do believe that we were both verbally abusive to each other. I’m not giving either of us excuses, but our arguments got out of hand. I had an anxious attachment style, and I falsely accused him of things and overreacted on several occasions. It was wrong of me, but now I realize that I had unhealed traumas from childhood that I didn’t deal with effectively. 
 

After being apart for a year and growing as individuals, we both realize that the way we handled disagreements was very toxic. There has been significant growth from both sides, and specific apologies about what we did wrong rather than a general “I’m sorry, I changed”. 
 

I probably sound ridiculous to anyone outside of this situation, but I really am not dealing with it mindlessly. I just believe that people can do bad things, but if it isn’t malicious and it’s recognized it can be worked on. I say that because I’m one of those people. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

I wanted to write so much more, but will keep it simple. Your mind is already made up. Give it a go. Your family does have a right to express their concern because you placed them there and they are your family and friends. They are more likely to have more self-less motivations. Sounds like there is some inter-personal  dynamics that need to be dealt with, but talk is cheap. Therapy would be better and, of course, action plans. Take it slow and see if you two, in fact, really have changed.