Frugal wife doesn't want me to use a babysitter when she's at work and I'm feeling on the edge

[ihaveafrugalwife]

Today, Sunday, was my birthday,  we live in a country that considerably speaking is doing quite okay in comparison to many other countries dealing with the Coronavirus.

I am a father of 2 children, one is a boy soon to be 4.5 years old and one is a girl soon to be 2.5 years old. We got married 7-8 years ago. My wife is pregnant with a 3rd child due to give birth around July this year.

I work from home, and my wife has a more demanding job ... we are doing quite okay financially mainly thanks to both of us having good jobs (well, I used to have one, would explain about the current situ later), but I used to do extremely well and I saved a lot, my wife also saved a lot - and we managed to buy our house without a mortgage, something that most couples won't even dream of... in fact we even managed to buy another property to rent out and we are doing okay, wouldn't say we're millionaires but in comparison to others we're doing ok or even more than okay.

Since I work from home I used to drop off our children and pick them up from daycare/nursery most of the times, the "burden" of doing it was never equal, my wife used to come back home a bit later and I felt a lot of pressure with my own business mainly because I felt I had not enough hours to work properly ... when I was driving on the road for instance I sometimes got upset (deep inside, not expressing it out) on other slow drivers for "wasting my time" and I felt like every day was a freaking race against the clock ... and slowly I feel I even built a grudge against my wife who never helped me share the burden properly ... even on Fridays where our day is short - and she was home (and not whilst pregnant) - she almost never volunteered to pick them up or drop them off ...

With our girl - the daycare ended on 16:30pm instead of 17:00pm, this was such an annoying timing for me, I eventually changed her place because of that, as those extra 30 minutes especially around this hour were so crucial for me - I felt like it made things so much better for me - and this was also an entire story, I had to struggle a lot with my wife to convince her to make that change.

I could describe our story in such a great length but I'd like to keep things short - so let's move on to the bottom of our current issue, the current topic that is causing us to fight.

So,

This Coronavirus came into the world, before it even came I insisted on taking a business trip for 3 days (it was to save my business that was doing so bad) - I told my wife I really want to spend time alone without the kids, I went to the UK, must admit in my free time that I barely had there I did go into a few betting shops placing bets on the NBA and I won some money, in fact those winnings covered the entire trip (flight, hotel), and until now I haven't lost the funds, I almost don't gamble except when I feel like it's an escape but I do feel like this "escape" is another sign of the issue I'm having with my wife ... I also was in a rush, 3 days was tight, I had to do so many meetings and so many other things that I just felt like it was in a way a great exercise, I walked maybe 20 miles during this time, refused to use a public transportation, I felt like I needed it more than ever... and unlike my wife I barely felt the need to call my kids when I was away (I did feel the need to call her but not the kids).

Moving forward,

COVID19 became official, almost globally .... I came back to our house, and then the nurseries/daycare stopped working, I felt it was like a hit I've never expected, a huge one! ... I had to watch over the kids day after day and I felt like I barely had time to work ... in fact I waited for them to go to sleep so I could start working properly from 8pm until 2am without any interruptions. When it was tight I did find myself having to put them in front of the TV and telling them to watch something and then try to work during the day as well but I hated doing it because I want to give my best to my kids and I don't feel like this is the right way to do it.

So then I started my main fight with my wife.

I told her I want to put the kids with a babysitter I trust for several hours during the day, so I could work properly and give my best attention to her and the kids - she refused.

I told her I need this more than ever, we have enough money to cover a few hours and she refused.

She only agreed for me to use close relatives or our neighbor or people around us or people we know - or in another words - people we don't have to pay money for!

She told me Passover/Easter is coming soon anyway and I should try my best to pull it together until then - so I did, somehow I did ... it wasn't easy, in the meantime the business kept on deteriorating (well, it was deteriorating already because of the tight hours I had even before COVID19).

Mentally I felt devastated.

Before COVID19 I even tried to start a new business with someone else because my current business was deteriorating but I just couldn't help it, I made someone work on development and write a code and eventually I ended up breaking the whole thing - I told the 2 guys that I'm sorry, but I just cannot cope with the stress and demands I have in my life, it's just too hard.

So yeah, we all celebrated Passover/Easter in a lockdown, this holiday was over, and there was no sign from the govt about reopening nurseries yet and I wouldn't expect them to do so neither.

My wife, due to her pregnancy, got many days off authorized by her work, between then and the end of last week, they didn't want to take any risks at work but unfortunately last Friday she was informed she has to start going back to work normally again (as I mentioned the pandemic didn't hit our country too badly).

And today was my birthday, and I could care less about it.

My wife never sent me romantic messages for a while, a long time that I can ever recall her sending me a nice message, but today, because of my birthday, she sent me on WhatsApp a romantic message that she loves me etc.

She bought shirts with "I love you daddy" for the kids and herself and when she came back home I took a nap for a few hours because I went to sleep on 4am (again - because of work that I haven't even finished at 4am)....

Whilst I was asleep - she made some pastries and put the shirts on the kids and she asked the kids to wake me up and come to the kitchen - I refused because I just felt this is all fake. Eventually I did but not being happy with it.

In fact in our relationship, I tried so many times to speak to my wife but she was so many times with her phone when we talk or busy with other things - we barely have any "quality time" between us .... even before the pandemic I begged her so many times to get a babysitter so we could go hang out, only ourselves, without the kids, and I can count with my fingers how many times this really happened.

So I felt like my birthday is not a cause to send me a nice WhatsApp message.

I felt like my birthday is once a year and I want my wife to be nice to me 365 days a year and not just today.

I refused to eat any of the pastries she made, I did agree to sit with the kids by the table, but I had no smile on my face, she wanted to take a few photos of all of us - I agreed but I had no smile on my face.

So what's now?

I don't know.

I feel like we're in crossroads.

I know my wife is pregnant, and she told me she needed to take a few tests today and other things but I cannot really properly listen when I had so many things on my plate.

I told her many times - I don't mind spending a full day with the kids when you're at work but I want at least 2 times a week to have them stay with a babysitter for 5-6 hours so I could work without interruptions, as I work from home, and the kids can drive me nuts when I try to work ... in fact I get upset on them so many times because I'm in the middle of something extremely important and then they come asking me for something that is the last thing I want to deal with at that moment ... and I'm alone, she's at work - I told her you can work peacefully in your own place of work - let me do the same - it's not a luxury but a basic need!!

If we had no money in our bank I would have understood her.

If we had struggled paying for kids' tuition or what's not - then okay, I would have realized there's no other choice (but then I don't think we would have been in this position neither!)

All I'm asking for is a babysitter - for a few hours - so I could work properly, concentrate at work, stop seeing my business deteriorating, won't lose my sanity, and most of all - be there for her and the kids with 100% full energy, being energized and concentrated and HAPPY as well - 

Right now I feel extremely sad, annoyed, frustrated, exhausted and I have tons of resentment against my wife.

How should I move on from here?!

 

Edited April 26, 2020 by ihaveafrugalwife
wrote 8am instead of 8pm

[schlumpy]

Did your wife at one time send you romantic messages? When did this stop?

You are right about the resentment that is building up in you. I caught a hint of sulfur from what's going to be volcanic meltdown in the near future. You are moving in that direction one step at a time.

I suspect you were once on the same page with your wife but now it's her vision that is driving you forward into the future and it's not with your consent. Which one of you was the driving force behind having children? It's not a good thing that you resent taking care of them and blame them for your business failing.

Your place in the marriage is a passenger in the backseat.

In my opinion your only recourse is individual counseling where you can reorder your priorities and reaffirm what it is you want out of life and your marriage. Then it's on to couples counseling to see if you can negotiate a new deal with your wife. That's going to be difficult, because what she is doing and planning is working and she is going to have a hard time understanding why she has to give up a successful life plan and wait for you to catch up.

[basil67]

As you're the one working from home, I am at a loss to understand why you haven't just stood your ground and gotten a babysitter.   What are you afraid of if you stand up to your wife?

[Mystery4u]

My mum is a babysitter and during the lock down she has been doing exactly this; looking after kids during the day while the parents work from home in peace.

Why exactly does your wife refuse? If it's not money? And if you did get a family member then you should pay them too the same anyway.

[Emilie Jolie]

Hi ihavefrugalwife

Firstly, Happy Birthday! Hope you managed to celebrate since you posted. It's a shame you weren't in the mood; seems like your wife tried to make an effort for you. 

Secondly, how do you know it's frugality, not fear of COVID-19  that's driving your wife's decision not to hire a babysitter? All childcare providers being closed means you are on lockdown, you have 2 young kids and a pregnant wife. Even if you're not too affected in your country, using a babysitter seems like a gamble at the moment. I can see why she would prefer to use a trusted family member (at a push). Why are you not ok with this suggestion? Why does it have to be a babysitter?

Thirdly, your stress levels sound off the scale, my friend. Don't take your work problems out on your family. Not a cool move. This situation sucks for a lot of people, you're going to need to find a way to keep your cool for the sake of your household. 

[Ellener]

9 hours ago, ihaveafrugalwife said:

How should I move on from here?!

Talk to your wife?

 

[clia]

19 hours ago, ihaveafrugalwife said:

How should I move on from here?!

 

Hire a babysitter. 

I'm at a loss as to why you are acting like such a doormat.  Don't you have access to the finances?  

[d0nnivain]

Make the economic case for childcare.  Show her why it makes better fiscal & mental sense to get help.  

[Gr8fuln2020]

14 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

My mum is a babysitter and during the lock down she has been doing exactly this; looking after kids during the day while the parents work from home in peace.

Why exactly does your wife refuse? If it's not money? And if you did get a family member then you should pay them too the same anyway.

If your wife was/is concerned about safety and wants only trusted family or friends, then go for it, but let her know that it would be fair to pay them as well. If that doesn't work, it has to do with money and/or something else. 

Does she resent your employment situation? Is she pissed that she has to walk around pregnant and continues to work while you stay home? Is she worried that you may bring a pretty, young sitter? 

You are expecting your third child. Third very young child, so you will have three under the age of 5 soon. What does she say when you make it clear how demanding it is to have to take care of such young children while you try to work?  

[Ruby Slippers]

27 minutes ago, clia said:

Hire a babysitter. 

I'm at a loss as to why you are acting like such a doormat.  Don't you have access to the finances?  

I agree. If I were you, I'd simply move forward the plan to take the kids to a babysitter.

I know a couple who are both working from home and they're still sending their kids to daycare every day because they can't get anything done with young kids at home. I'm working from home, and it's obvious in my many video calls that the people with young kids at home are frazzled.

[preraph]

This is stressful to a lot of people and a lot of it has to do with having the kids home.  That said, it's temporary and employers know you have kids at home to distract you, and it's really just time to tough it out.  Daycare doesn't sound very safe for the family right now.  I really think you just need to tough it out.  Make the kids go play on their own some.  You don't have to entertain them constantly.  Train them to go play autonomously.  Unless one is a toddler, which yes, you do have to follow around.

[Els]

Are you sure it's a financial issue and not a "worried about their safety" issue? I mean, daycare is much better regulated than hiring the neighbor's teenage daughter. Is she open to hiring a vetted, reputable independent nanny?

I get that it's a difficult situation for both of you, and I empathize. But I do have to ask, if you were already resentful about the childcare distribution with two kids, why would you still go and have a third?

[ihaveafrugalwife]

Thanks for all the replies ... I spoke about it with my wife and she said she was truly concerned about COVID19 and that's why she wanted to use someone she knows ... one of our neighbors has a 14 yr old daughter, she called her today herself and had her baby sit the children.

When we spoke in the evening she asked me - "did it really help you?" and I said "yes, very much!"

I feel a bit upset with myself acting the way I was for the surprise she worked so hard for my birthday but it is life, not everything goes as planned.

 

She said you can call this girl anytime you want, but she said she is feeling worried and concerned when a babysitter is watching over our kids and not their daddy.

She said she wants me to elevate myself and be in a position where I wouldn't feel agitated having to stay with them, she said she feels like for me staying with them for 2-3 hours is fine but anything beyond that is too much for me and she feels the opposite - as if it's a blessing and a gift to stay with them.

I told her the fact is she most of the time did not spend time with the children, that's a fact, so I know COVID19 made her appreciate and value her time with them, but I'm in a different position of "been there done that".

She told me she doesn't understand why I feel this way, she feels in a way I'm a stranger ... I asked her how did you feel about me before COVID19? She said you were a great daddy ... I said okay and why this has changed? She said because reality has changed, she said most of her friends don't use any babysitter now, she has a friend who works in her job and leaving her husband, who's a teacher, to watch over 4 kids, and work on the same time - she said he doesn't use a babysitter.

I told her - well, do you  want to marry him? He is who he is and I am who I am ... I like my own peace of mind when I work and he is dealing with children as a teacher and as a what's not.

So we got to the usual yada yada husband-wife conversation.

I think we managed to bridge some of the gaps, things aren't perfect yet, but looking in a better direction ... In the meantime work is still hard, and regarding the future - I have someone to call now whenever I feel like I need help - she's happy to do her work and honestly she's asking for a ridiculous amount ($8/hour), she loves doing her job ... honestly for 10 hours a week, I told my wife - is $80 what's bothering you - so she said no and she agrees it's a normal expense.

The only thing that's bothering me is that it's bothering her, she doesn't feel safe/comfy knowing a babysitter is watching over the kids, she wants an ideal world of having only mommy or daddy watching over them, or a nursery when the COVID19 is gone. I wish she would be more flexible with this point of view but I guess only time would do that.

 

[Emilie Jolie]

Cool, you made progress! Really glad you talked it out and found a compromise.

If you need someone there to look after the kids at home while you work, that's totally understandable. Good for you for holding your own on that front.

This is hard on so many people, most of us are having to make some compromises but if you have each other's back, it'll make it easier. Makes sense that a pregnant mother working away from home at this time (is she a key worker?) would be concerned about the present situation

Hang in there, friend. Oh, and think about changing your username  

 

[ihaveafrugalwife]

I had a thread about my issues with my wife earlier here:

 

Well, besides one time of having a babysitter for 2-3 hours I didn't take any babysitter, but today I told my wife that tomorrow the kids are going to be with a babysitter, for several hours, I told her I had enough of being with them and recently in the past few days I lost my energy to do much with them and just put them in front of the screen most of the times.

Today my wife had an evening shift at work so she stayed until 14:00pm and then left to work. She was supposed to work for 5 hours and finish at 19:00pm but she came back only around 21:00pm, now the children spent a bit of time in the evening with the neighbor's children, I watched over their child in the afternoon and they went there for the evening, had something to eat there too ....

My wife when she got back she was upset, she seems to be upset because I told her tomorrow the children are going to be with a babysitter, this is no longer about just work (which hasn't been very effective) but it's now becoming personal, I seriously don't want to spend time with them right now and need some time off.

She got upset and she doesn't want to talk to me much, she asked me "what did they eat?" and I told her they had a dinner by the neighbor, she asked me "what did they have to eat there?" and I told her I don't know, like seriously, I could care less, I don't really care right now, and I feel they are nuisance and I just want to be away from them as much as possible.

 

My question is if this is normal? (which is why I'm posting it here in the COVID19 forum)... have any other daddies here felt the same after spending a very long period of time with your kids?

My wife is pregnant and she told me she is worried about having a 3rd child because if according to her, "I can't cope" with 2 children - then being with a 3rd is going to be a nightmare ... I told her it would have been easier for me to cope had she not refused to let me use a babysitter more often because that's what I've been doing in the past 2 months, which is babysitting the kids more than her, and I feel like it's enough.

A friend of mine told me "you should get a cleaner to the house, and get a babysitter - on a frequent basis" - this unfortunately doesn't happen ... the last time we had a cleaner in the house was ages ago, and I can appreciate COVID19 was part of the reason that I also agreed with, but a babysitter is no compromise for me. I can tell you for sure COVID19 has nothing to do with the babysitter issue, I feel like just me and my wife are not on the same page.

 

And I feel like if things would continue going like this, if she would treat me only as a daddy and not as a husband then eventually we would get to only one solution - divorce. I can't see myself getting married again, and the last resort for me is divorce - divorce for me is something I picture as being alone, and lonely and living in a lot of resentment towards my wife, but I have built so much resentment against the way she wants me to live our lives, and against the fact she shows no affection and no love for me at all (it happened also with the last pregnancy - until now I feel like I'm preferring our firstborn son over our 2nd born girl) ... 

She barely shows any emotions or any feelings towards me, I feel like we are two strangers who have roles and burden of watching over kids - and this is not how family should be.

 

Any advice, feedback or opinion about this?

 

[BaileyB]

Is your wife open to marriage counselling? I would strongly suggest that you seek out a marriage counsellor, even in these difficult times, because the communication between the two of you has totally broken down. 

Your wife is probably really struggling to hold it all together right now, she is pregnant, she is responsible for two little people, and she is working I would assume as a front line worker during one the most stressful experiences of our time. That kind of stress is not good for her, for your baby, for your marriage, for your children, for her work... it goes on and on. 

She is looking to you to step up and ease some of the pressure and you are having a hard time doing that. No judgment, you have stepped up with childcare and you are doing your best but clearly, there is a problem here. While I agree with you that raising children is the most difficult job you could have and I completely respect your desire to have some time to yourself, it is NOT normal to see your children as a burden or a nuisance. The fact that you say that tells me that you have a BIG problem. There is “I’m exhausted and I need a break” and then there is “I don’t have loving feelings towards my children and I could care less if they have eaten and are safe and happy.” You are dangerously close to this point, based on your own words. Your wife needs to understand that you are at your breaking point and if something doesn’t change soon, your children are going to suffer. Are they at risk in your care? If you find yourself being negligent and/or having hurtful thoughts towards your children, you need to tell your wife ASAP and get yourself some help. 

At this moment, it’s a babysitter that you say you need. I don’t know what your wife’s objection is to the idea of a babysitter - if it’s concern re: exposure during COVID or some kind of belief that you should not hire help to raise your children - but she needs to understand, if the choice is hire some help or you are a caregiver who is bordering on the edge of not being able to care for your children/becoming a risk to your children... she needs to hire a babysitter. 

A marriage counsellor could help you to have this discussion, because it is a difficult discussion to have and as I’ve said, the communication has broken down between you. Again, no blame - you are both doing the best you can in a very difficult time... but, if you are actually as close to the edge as you seem in these posts then you have an obligation TO YOUR CHILDREN to be honest with her, help her to understand, and get some help. 

Edited May 6, 2020 by BaileyB

[jspice]

It’s really gross that you can’t be grown up enough to not take your and your wife’s issues out on your children. 

And now you’ve gone and made a third child. They didn’t ask to be here, and irrespective of how you feel about your wife, they don’t deserve to see your sullen face looking at them resenting them. 

You don’t care what they ate? You couldn’t even fake a smile on your birthday? Your issues with your wife are separate to how you’re dealing with your children. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, jspice said:

You don’t care what they ate? You couldn’t even fake a smile on your birthday? Your issues with your wife are separate to how you’re dealing with your children. 

I would suggest that his issues with his wife are a direct result of the way he is dealing with their children. A woman can not have affection for a man who shows hostility toward her children. She is pregnant, overworked, and now she has to worry about the safety and well-being of her children in their fathers care... That not sustainable. It does not a happy, healthy marriage and family make...

[ihaveafrugalwife]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Is your wife open to marriage counselling? I would strongly suggest that you seek out a marriage counsellor, even in these difficult times, because the communication between the two of you has totally broken down... 

If you find yourself being negligent and/or having hurtful thoughts towards your children, you need to tell your wife ASAP and get yourself some help.

Thanks for responding BB, it looks like you're reading the picture very clearly.

Thankfully no, I haven't felt the need to hurt our children but I did become more numb, or felt like I can care much less about what they want or need, and I'm sure they can feel it too that their daddy doesn't want to spend time with them. I used to enjoy parenting to a certain extent, and honestly I don't mind if the COVID19 issue would go on and on forever - I have the perfect solution - which is called - a babysitter, as I said in the previous thread - for me even twice a week would be enough, I would be able to cope. 

I did tell my wife I want to regain my energy back, especially my mental energy and for that I need her to stop being an obstacle on the way, I told her you don't need to do anything, not to pick them up, not to drop them off, I would do all of it - but just let me for god's sake to put them with a babysitter for a while - they already said they can't wait to go back to her, they loved spending time with the babysitter, she is right now much more energized to give them what they need ... and slowly if this could become a "routine" and not just once off a month - then slowly their daddy would not lose his sanity and would go back to his senses and would start being a better daddy again.

Unfortunately my wife, as much as I'd like to go with her to a marriage counselor - she's not much for this idea ... we've never gone to one and when I tried in the past to push for it it was all gone in vein, so I gave up on that option to be honest, even though I totally believe this could help us as we would finally be able to talk to each other through someone else.

 

[BaileyB]

Just my opinion, you need to tell your wife that your request to hire a babysitter is not so that you can “restore your energy” or even “have some time alone to do the things you like to do.” You need to be honest with her and tell her, your children are at risk if you don’t get some help. 

Again, if her choice is hire a babysitter two days a week or have a husband who breaks down and kids that are unsafe in his care... the answer is pretty clear. 

And, if your wife won’t go for marriage counselling... nothing stopping you from seeking out individual counselling for yourself to help you to manage the stress of parenting, marriage, and life right now. Whatever you need to do to be a happy and healthy man... to keep those children safe and happy... you need to do it.

If I was your wife right now, I would be pretty concerned about the fact that I’m bringing another child into the world with a man who is having difficulty dealing with parenting/life stress. Again, it’s not wrong to need a break/some time to yourself. I think lots of parents will admit to having feelings of being overwhelmed with childcare, particularly when they are young and when they have multiple children. But, you have an obligation to care for the children that you decided to bring into this world - they rely on you to give them a happy, healthy, and safe home. Get yourself some help. 

Edited May 6, 2020 by BaileyB

[ihaveafrugalwife]

56 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Just my opinion, you need to tell your wife that your request to hire a babysitter is not so that you can “restore your energy” or even “have some time alone to do the things you like to do.” You need to be honest with her and tell her, your children are at risk if you don’t get some help. 

Again, if her choice is hire a babysitter two days a week or have a husband who breaks down and kids that are unsafe in his care... the answer is pretty clear. 

And, if your wife won’t go for marriage counselling... nothing stopping you from seeking out individual counselling for yourself to help you to manage the stress of parenting, marriage, and life right now. Whatever you need to do to be a happy and healthy man... to keep those children safe and happy... you need to do it.

If I was your wife right now, I would be pretty concerned about the fact that I’m bringing another child into the world with a man who is having difficulty dealing with parenting/life stress. Again, it’s not wrong to need a break/some time to yourself. I think lots of parents will admit to having feelings of being overwhelmed with childcare, particularly when they are young and when they have multiple children. But, you have an obligation to care for the children that you decided to bring into this world - they rely on you to give them a happy, healthy, and safe home. Get yourself some help. 

I totally agree with you , BB, but if I tell my wife I want the babysitter because if we won't use her - then I might hurt the children - then she would probably feel even worse that she has a husband who can hurt his children (and by hurt I don't mean physically hurt but simply not giving them a proper attention like he used to before COVID19 came into the world).

I asked her before when we spoke how did you feel I was as a father before COVID19 and she said that everything was perfect - so I told her then why are you forcing me to do things I am resenting ...  and it's not that I'm resenting being a father to these kids but I'm just resenting the fact she goes to work outside of the house having peace of mind she can leave and come back without any issues - and I can't ... I wanted to eat proper lunch today and I couldn't because she wasn't home and I cannot take them with me to the store, it's not allowed ... I couldn't even buy basic groceries and found myself having to eat snacks today, and the kids didn't get the best nutrition neither ... 

I need this space, I know I do, and that's why I insist on getting it - but I don't know how to even approach her right now telling her "listen, honey, the babysitter is not for me to regain energy, it's for the children - if you leave me alone with them they would be at risk" - how would that sound?!

 

[preraph]

Dude, if you don't want to take care of the kids you have, stop having them.  Seriously.  They are half your responsibility, you know.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, ihaveafrugalwife said:

I had a thread about my issues with my wife earlier here:I told her I had enough of being with them and recently in the past few days I lost my energy to do much with them and just put them in front of the screen most of the times.

I seriously don't want to spend time with them right now and need some time off.

I told her they had a dinner by the neighbor, she asked me "what did they have to eat there?" and I told her I don't know, like seriously, I could care less, I don't really care right now, and I feel they are nuisance and I just want to be away from them as much as possible.

I told her it would have been easier for me to cope had she not refused to let me use a babysitter

I feel like we are two strangers who have roles and burden of watching over kids - and this is not how family should be.

Your plight is the plight of every stay at home parent. There is not a parent in the world who has not at some point felt that they needed a break from their children. Not a single parent who has realized at 3:00 that they forgot to eat lunch. But this to me, is a parent who is not coping. 

My husband tells me that he is feeling this way, and I would be very concerned. It would be clear to me that alternate arrangements need to be made for childcare. Because the arrangement that you have now is not working, it is not sustainable. If this continues, the children could potentially be at risk. 

Does she care for the children when she gets home from work? Does she give you any kind of break on the weekend? There are things that can be done to give you a break, part-time childcare being one option. 

Still, it seems the fact that she gets to leave the home is a major source of resentment. And that doesn’t change when she takes the children on the weekend. This issue likely requires a change to your childcare/employment arrangement.

When she has the baby, how long does she have for maternity leave? If she is insistent that someone stay home with the children, is it possible that she could be the one to stay home?

There nothing wrong with not wanting to be a 24/7 stay at home father, it’s not for everyone. Women who stay home with their children build in support networks, mommy and me groups, they will take each other’s children, they have the support of grandparents, nursery school, daycare, etc... As they say, it takes a village...

That said, you made the decision to have not one, not two, but three children. You are responsible for those children. You don’t have the right or the option to say - “I could care less what they eat, they are a nuisance and I just want to be away from them for as long as possible.” That would be a HUGE red flag to me, if my husband felt this way about his children. Time to bring in some major support before this ship goes down... 

Edited May 6, 2020 by BaileyB

[CaliforniaGirl]

I kind of hate your wife.

[basil67]

On 5/7/2020 at 5:50 AM, ihaveafrugalwife said:

I need this space, I know I do, and that's why I insist on getting it - but I don't know how to even approach her right now telling her "listen, honey, the babysitter is not for me to regain energy, it's for the children - if you leave me alone with them they would be at risk" - how would that sound?!

I wouldn't use the term 'at risk' because it implies physical or emotional abuse.  I'd be more inclined to say that "I can't keep a close enough eye on their safety or give them the attention they deserve."

That said, you're trying to work and are being unsuccessful because you can't do two things at once.  Frankly, in your shoes, I would say that I *need* help so that I can do my job and I am going to organise it.   Sometimes, we need to stand our ground.   Why are you scared of putting your foot down to get your and the kid's needs met?