guilt in leaving wife

[rjchi2020]

I have known for years that my marriage has not been healthy but my wife I know will never leave me. She is very nice but she has not said she loves me in years even know I know she cares about me. We also never have sex.

 

I have OCD and I have wanted to leave for years but the guilt stops me. I am about to leave whn our lease is up but I am scared I will regret it. One of the biggest things that gives me guilt is i feel I have ruined her life b not having a kid when we met 8 years ago I said I wanted kids but as the years want by I felt scared to have a kid and not confident to have a kid. But somethimes I feel if we just had one it would bring happiness but I also feel I need a break and want to be alone.

 

We have never cheated we are both depressed and a mess. My wife is now 42 and I fear i ruined her chances of havind a kid and a family but I want to be selfish and leave. 

 

My health is geting bad. I feel it is my last chance to escape and just be happy on my own or am I giving up to easily. I may never meet someone that is nice and trustworthy as my wife but I may mmet someone I have things in common with and can enjoy more of life with than being depresed. 

 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 hours ago, rjchi2020 said:

My health is geting bad. I feel it is my last chance to escape and just be happy on my own or am I giving up to easily.

 

 

Well, you asked, so I'll answer honestly.  Yes, i think you're giving up too easily.  There is no abuse here.  No infidelity.  No addictions or destruction of trust.  You sound simply bored, and I don't think that's a reason to break your vows you made to each other.  

 

What do you mean your health is getting bad?  Are your health issues related to your marriage?

[Woggle]

Maybe you are but at the end of the day if you are unhappy then you are unhappy. People divorce over much less than that these days.

[schlumpy]

Both of you should have a medical exam to eliminate or illuminate any health problems that are contributing to the malaise hovering over your marriage. If there are medical problems that can be solved or mitigated then take steps to do so.

Once that's done, a good couples counselor should be on your agenda that can highlight some common purpose between the two of you that will allow you to rebuild your marriage.

I don't think you are going to find happiness with someone else and being alone is only a temporary respite.

So, put out some effort to restore what you have and improve it. If this doesn't work, then I think you will feel less guilty leaving the relationship knowing you did your best to save it.

[preraph]

 It's probably too late for her to have kids, but you could always adopt. I understand the hesitation certainly. Do you at least have pets?

[central]

Your relationship is a mess now. If you'd had kids, it would be an even greater mess. You have great difficulty considering leaving now - it would be far more difficult if you had kids with her. YOU are the only thing preventing you from leaving and finding greater happiness. You might also benefit from individual counseling to deal with the OCD etc.

[BaileyB]

I will say, a marriage with a woman who does not tell you she loves you and does not have sex with you... that doesn’t sound like much of a marriage at all. I have to wonder how much the OCD affected the marriage over the years? Obviously, your mental health issues will affect you, whether you are single or married. 

In terms of a child, she could possibly still have a child but it is probably unlikely and it would be considered a high risk pregnancy because of her age. And, as much as you “ruined her life by not having a child,” she also chose to stay in the marriage. She could have made a different decision, if she wanted a child. 

I would assume given your OCD diagnosis that you’ve had some therapy. Have you ever done any marriage counselling? Do you currently have a counsellor who can support you with this decision? 

[thefooloftheyear]

Sometimes its not a "good guy/bad guy" situation...In fact, in most cases of divorce, IME,  that's the real issue.. Not enough thought was put in, or maybe even the same guilt you are feeling now is the same guilt you felt years ago that prevented you from leaving sooner.. .Infidelity, abandonment, sexual disinterest,  etc  most often aren't "reasons" for a divorce...They are usually just naturally what happens when its over and dead, and been so for years......

Look..Guilt is a healthy emotion for normal adults that have compassion...But if it comes at the expense of your own desires and life goals, then it can easily turn into something highly dysfunctional....In these cases, the guilt is like a bag of bricks you are carrying around....you just need to put it down...

I, personally can't see a recovery of normalcy based on what you are saying...I may not have enough background info, which could sway me, but just based on what info is there, I think its a road to nowhere...But that being said, if somehow you can make it work, then that's great....and at the very least you can try to address it...knowing that a fast exit is best for both, if a resolution cant be reached...As for the issue of no kids, well, that aspect will make your decision a lot easier and if you think you have some guilt now, you have no idea how much guilt you would be experiencing if there were kids involved...That may be a small silver lining should you decide to leave...

Good luck

TFY

Edited April 29, 2020 by thefooloftheyear