Feel extremely lonely being single but also feel jaded with dating.

[Ms.Jade]

I don't know where to go with this post but I guess I'll just vent hoping someone will give me some good insight. I'm a 33 year old single female who is independent with a good career,home with no kids etc however I feel like I'm at a point where I'm ready to settle down, get married and have children. I'll be 34 at the end of the year. With everything going on with the pandemic and staying in quarantining it's just giving me time to reflect and I'm horribly lonely. I reside in Atlanta Georgia and the dating scene has sucked for me on all aspects. I've grown extremely tired of trying to date because I have had the worst luck with guys. I've ran into them all...The players,The Alcoholics, drug addicts, emotionally unavailable, emotionally and physically abusive, or the guys that are just not plain into me. I've met all of these guys all through different ways, whether it's through online, randomly meeting at a bar, store, school work whatever the case may be and I just can't seem to find a guy who's genuinely into me.

I met a guy who I met back in January and I felt a good vibe with him and I really liked him. We were never exclusive just in the talking stages and he was a very handsome and well put together guy. Somewhere along the line our relationship it turned into a friends with benefits type of situation and in the back of my mind I was hoping we'd  eventually be exclusive but he never took the extra step even though he told me time and time again how he really liked me etc. The vibe was like we were already in a relationship to a certain extent. We were going to the movies going on dates etc... As the more time passed the more distant he became and he even ghosted me for 2 weeks. I was hurt and  disappointed. He eventually sent me a text saying that he was deeply sorry and that while we were dating he met another woman that he recently became exclusive with who he felt more compatible with. He basically brushed me off saying he wish me nothing but the best so that was a wrap. That was back in March. This has been the only guy I extremely liked in a LONG time!  Still feeling sad about this but it gets better as the days past..

There's another guy at my job that shown interest in me but he seems to have a lot of baggage and I'm kind of scared to date again in fear of being hurt. This guy is 8 years older than me, divorced with 3 kids. A 10 year old,a 7 year old and 2 year old. I'm already put off by the fact he has kids, don't get me wrong I love to have children but I rather have children of my own than play step mom lol. He seems like a very sweet guy I just can't get into him already having children... Should I give him a chance??

Other than that I haven't had any luck and no other man seems interested in dating me and the whole thing is exhausting and I don't really have the energy to keep trying and to run into dead ends. I'm not getting any younger and I'm just tried of putting my energy into guys to only get slapped in the face. However also this whole being single thing is really depressing and tiring especially during this time. I'm not really close with family and I have a few friends who I confide in and go out with.... However I just feel a big void in my life and I don't know if it's because I'm yearning for man and affection or is it something deeper?

[Mysterio]

I met a woman that has three kids.  From her first Husband.  She has to get divorced from hubby #2.  Hubby 2 has a woman and kid at the moment.  I think its not a big deal to date the Divorced Man.  Your not marying/having kids.  Its just getting to know him.  The woman I am dating right now.  Despite having the kids.  There is only one thing I asked of her and thats to get divorced if she is looking for a long term relationship with me.

So at least your guy is Divorced.  At almost age 34 and above to expect everyone to be in the same status as us.  Does not do anyone justice.  For me its how your treated.   

[central]

In my experience, you have to sift through hundreds of prospects to find a dozen to meet, and have to meet a few dozens to find a few relationships - most of which will be short to medium term - before finding one that you will both want to last forever. You can't expect quick results, at least not if you want good results (some people do get lucky, though - my wife is one of them: I was her first contact, and she was 900+ for me!). 

Right now is a very difficult time to date because of the pandemic. It may be a year or more before you can readily meet anyone without exercising great caution and taking some calculated risks. Use the time to learn to be happy with yourself and your life as it is - you will be in a better frame of mind when you can get back into more normal dating.

[Blind-Sided]

10 hours ago, Ms.Jade said:

He seems like a very sweet guy I just can't get into him already having children... Should I give him a chance??

Sorry that you had a brush-off like that.  Unfortunately... it happens.  I know you liked that guy... but if it's not mutual... it's just not going to work. With that said... I understand that you may feel a little gun-shy about dating... but you really do need to get out there again since you are feeling lonely. 

OK... Being an older "Single Dad"... I would say to give him a chance.  I know that the potential of being a step mom isn't the most appealing thing to someone who wants her own kids... but he may be the man of your dreams... and you don't want to pass on that do you?  LOL.  But you won't know that until you at least get to know him a little better.  This has been a topic of discussion with me and the girl I'm starting to see. We have been together for +2 months now, and we have yet to have a disagreement. (We very much see eye to eye) So... while I know she didn't want to date someone with kids... it just kind of happened. So, the earliest topic was... "I don't want to be a step mom".  I told her that she doesn't have to be. My kids are good, and I will deal with anything parental. So... if things start to work out... then just talk with him.

Since he is in his 40's... I'm guessing that he won't want to have anymore kids... so I'm guessing you will need to talk about that early on. 

I wish you luck in moving forward with him.

Edited April 27, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[d0nnivain]

It's time to change your mindset.  

First know your own worth & why somebody would be fortunate to be in a relationship with you.  Don't settle for anything less then a good guy.  Note:  good doesn't mean perfect. 

When I was single at 39 & decided I wanted to settle down I threw it out there to the universe that I wanted a good man.  You need to express the qualities you want positively.  The universe doesn't understand "not" & drops that word out so you will end up with exactly what you don't want.  So I said I wanted an industrious, sexy man with a quick wit who is strong enough to let me be weak.  You have to figure out what is most important to you.   The universe sent me a Marine vet.  At the time we met, he did not have a college degree.  I have a post graduate degree.  He was under employed, working 2 jobs to make ends meet.  He wore a lot of polyester.  🥴  But he was sexy as hell & I was impressed that he was working 2 jobs plus going to school on line to get a degree.  Granted at the time I was frustrated with my search & in the mood for a player because I always liked players -- they give good date.  I knew enough not to give my heart away.  Anyway, we ended up falling in love & getting married. 

Part of it is where you look for love.  If you don't want the alcoholics, avoid bars.  Check out volunteer opportunities, chambers of commerce, political campaigns, charitable fundraisers, dog parks, co-ed sports leagues or book clubs, niche singles groups that do activities -- hiking, skiing, writing, etc.  There are a myriad of places to meet people. 

Another thing I did which is goofy but surprisingly accurate is I wrote my dream guy letters before I met him.   It's like journaling but you talk to your future mate about various things you will do together & your dreams for the future together.  You write the letter, fold it up, put it in an envelope & store them all together.  I had about 3-4 when I stopped writing.  I gave them to my new husband when we got back from our honeymoon.  We were both shocked at how accurate some of them were.  

You also need to make a commitment to putting yourself out there.  At least once per week go places where you can meet new people.  I was launching a new business venture when I was looking so sometimes I "cheated" & counted business mixers as social opportunities.  I met DH at a business card exchange.   It's hard to be social solo but you have to try.  

Good luck.  Stay safe.  

[salparadise]

14 hours ago, Ms.Jade said:

There's another guy at my job that shown interest in me but he seems to have a lot of baggage and I'm kind of scared to date again in fear of being hurt. This guy is 8 years older than me, divorced with 3 kids. A 10 year old,a 7 year old and 2 year old. I'm already put off by the fact he has kids, don't get me wrong I love to have children but I rather have children of my own than play step mom lol. He seems like a very sweet guy I just can't get into him already having children... Should I give him a chance?

We all have baggage, and the older you are the more you likely have. It's not whether you have it the counts, it's how you carry it. You have baggage too –– you described it. You're jaded and afraid to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You're ability to give and receive love is directly commensurate with your ability to tolerate vulnerability. And this is closely related to you belief in your own worthiness. Nobody wants to get their heart broken or have to face yet another rejection, but the only way to avoid these is to become unavailable... therefore obviating the possibility. You have to achieve a balance between not jumping at a bad risk vs. not jumping at all. Winston Churchill said, "Success Is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm." This couldn't be any more true than in the realm of dating and mating. 

This is one of those ideas that's easier to say than to put into practice, but you gotta do it. What else is there? I got burned pretty bad a few years back, so I know exactly where you're coming from. And I am beyond frustrated with the online dating crap, where people no longer view other's as valuable, sensitive human beings, but as a commodity in such abundance that it isn't even necessary to be polite. I'm putting myself out there again in spite of the aversion to risk, because what else is there? 

At age 34, and given that you have a bit of baggage too, I'd say it would be smart to be open to promising opportunities even if they're not perfect. People your age and older are likely to have children and ex-wives. Men usually have no more than 50/50 custody, and many have only every other weekend plus maybe an evening during the week. Us guys have to deal with the other side of that equation––women who have their kids all the time (or  even special needs kids). This is life, and sometimes it messy, or unpredictable, or just not what you originally planned. You have learn to roll with what is.

You should watch the Brené Brown Ted Talk(s) on vulnerability and worthiness. And read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's all about perspective. Wishing you all the best.

[ShyViolet]

I think the reason you are unhappy is because you have the wrong mindset.  You're walking around as if something is missing from your life and you won't be complete until you find it.  Marriage and children doesn't make a woman complete.  If you meet the right person and it happens, then great, but you can't force it.  You'll never be happy if you turn your life into this search for a husband.  Just let things flow without putting so much pressure on it.  You need to be happy with yourself and get to a place where you are able to feel "complete" before you can be happy in a relationship.  

And yes, I actually do think you should give this single dad a chance.  As you get into your 30's and beyond, more and more guys in your dating pool will be divorced and may have kids, or "baggage" as you call it.  If you disqualify all of those people then you're really limiting yourself even more, and you might be ruling out a guy who you could have had a great relationship with.

[hotpotato]

On 4/27/2020 at 11:51 AM, salparadise said:

We all have baggage, and the older you are the more you likely have. It's not whether you have it the counts, it's how you carry it. You have baggage too –– you described it. You're jaded and afraid to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You're ability to give and receive love is directly commensurate with your ability to tolerate vulnerability. And this is closely related to you belief in your own worthiness. Nobody wants to get their heart broken or have to face yet another rejection, but the only way to avoid these is to become unavailable... therefore obviating the possibility. You have to achieve a balance between not jumping at a bad risk vs. not jumping at all. Winston Churchill said, "Success Is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm." This couldn't be any more true than in the realm of dating and mating. 

That's the route I chose. It has pros and cons. I dont have extreme emotions over dating anymore, whether good or bad. 

Honestly, I felt like I was living my best life. In theory this is when someone comes along. I haven't had much success with guys just coming to me. 

It's a fact of life that most guys in their 30s and 40s have kids and perhaps have been divorced several times. Theres not much around that except maybe dating younger men. 

 

[Malin889]

On 5/4/2020 at 1:04 AM, ShyViolet said:

I think the reason you are unhappy is because you have the wrong mindset.  You're walking around as if something is missing from your life and you won't be complete until you find it.  Marriage and children doesn't make a woman complete.  If you meet the right person and it happens, then great, but you can't force it.  You'll never be happy if you turn your life into this search for a husband.  Just let things flow without putting so much pressure on it.  You need to be happy with yourself and get to a place where you are able to feel "complete" before you can be happy in a relationship.  

And yes, I actually do think you should give this single dad a chance.  As you get into your 30's and beyond, more and more guys in your dating pool will be divorced and may have kids, or "baggage" as you call it.  If you disqualify all of those people then you're really limiting yourself even more, and you might be ruling out a guy who you could have had a great relationship with.

Agree! You have to be happy in your own life and not expect someone else to make you happy. Live a complete happy life with friends, family, hobbies, fun, and you will attract the kind of person who wants to be in your life.  As for the single dad, yes, you should give him a chance. Just be careful because you guys work together so it's always tough to date someone in the workplace. Are you friends already? Maybe start off as friends, go out for drinks "as friends", and see where it goes from there. 

[Malin889]

On 4/26/2020 at 9:13 PM, Ms.Jade said:

I met a guy who I met back in January and I felt a good vibe with him and I really liked him. We were never exclusive just in the talking stages and he was a very handsome and well put together guy. Somewhere along the line our relationship it turned into a friends with benefits type of situation and in the back of my mind I was hoping we'd  eventually be exclusive but he never took the extra step even though he told me time and time again how he really liked me etc. The vibe was like we were already in a relationship to a certain extent. We were going to the movies going on dates etc... As the more time passed the more distant he became and he even ghosted me for 2 weeks. I was hurt and  disappointed. He eventually sent me a text saying that he was deeply sorry and that while we were dating he met another woman that he recently became exclusive with who he felt more compatible with. He basically brushed me off saying he wish me nothing but the best so that was a wrap. That was back in March. This has been the only guy I extremely liked in a LONG time!  Still feeling sad about this but it gets better as the days past..

As for this other guy, that stinks. Honestly, I don't know how people have time to multi-date. He sounds like a jerk and it's good that you found out now before wasted more time on him. You will meet someone better, just stay positive.