New perspective to move on

[Justina-justina]

Hi everybody, I'm struggling to move on from the relationship and break up, and any perspective on this would be really helpful for me. I'm, not a native English speaker, so sorry for mistakes in advance.

 

We have been together for 4 months. The first month, as usual, was beautiful. We met at the friends' party and were attracted to each other right away. He lives in another city, 1 hour apart, so we only got to see each other on weekends. After a couple weekends, he has asked me if we can date exclusively. He is 5 years older than me and around a year he got separated after 1 year of marriage. He never really talked much about it, but what I got to know was, that hey argued a lot and when they both decided to split he found out also that his wife is also in love with his best-friends brother. When we started dating her dresses was still hanging in his closet (later on packed up) and his FB profile was full of their wedding pictures (I have commented that it feels creepy and he cleared it up a bit). He never really said when exactly they are planning to officially divorce as they had some real estate things not fully figured out yet and he also said that she was messaging him sometimes and that she wanted to stay friends- but he didn't. 

We have talked pretty early on, that we both want family and kids, so it really felt to me that this is serious and we are both giving it a chance to be something important. 

However, things started changing after 2 months. Besides the first month, after we met and even then not so much except if he would be drinking, he would never share any emotions or sweet stuff, like "I thought about you/missed you" etc., so I tried to take his actions as an indicator that he likes me because he was texting and replying regularly. But this part was missing to me because I am an affectionate person and I feel like when you share your deeper thoughts and feelings (not necessarily related to a relationship), this is where intimacy grows and you get to know deeper layers of the person. Two months into our friendship he went away abroad on a  trip with this friends and during that time he was texting just updates on his day - sending a bunch of pictures and couple words. It felt very cold and impersonal. I know, probably I have made a mistake when after 5 days of that impersonal messaging I wrote to him, that "I miss you would be nice". My chosen format to communicate that wasn't the best, but he said he was caught totally of the guard. That he was just being in the moment with his friends and that he is just not that kind of guy to really think of sending such things. When he got back we have talked about that and I have explained that such "sweet" communication is important to me and that without it (and being able to see each other only on weekends, sometimes once in two weeks) something is missing and I'm struggling to be my sincere/open-hearted self, if I would share something like that myself first, he would just reply "me too". Once, when I was having some wine with my friends and was a little tipsy I sent him "miss you, would like to hug and kiss you right now", he answered, "it will pass - when you've sobered up". It felt very... downgrading and I felt stupid for sending that to him.. I stopped sharing my feeling afterwards as well and even though I started falling in love at some point I have tried to stop myself from doing that. But it bothered me. I started thinking, I'm not sure if I can be myself with this person, feelings and sincere thoughts are colours of life and without it, it just feels lifeless and cold. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't pushing for the  "I love you's", not at all, but just for some openness, warmth, feeling special and appreciated. This is my need in a relationship.

After some time we had one more conversation about it and he said again "he is not that kind of guy and that even conversations like that is something completely new to him but he will think about it". A week passed by, and I know that you can't change in a week, but if you really heard the other person and you're at least a little bit interested - you try to make a tiny effort. So anyway, there was a chance for us to spend more time together due to my jobs remote possibility so I stayed with him for 6 days. Towards the end of my stay, it started feeling really cold. In the morning he would be really pissy and short with me, seemed like I was annoying him, ok I thought maybe he is not a morning person during workdays. In the evenings he would mostly spend time in his phone, and my initiative to cook us dinners wasn't exciting to him and even though he wasn't asked to help me, he constantly made comments how it would be easier to do take-out. I understand that cooking is not something everybody likes, but you at least appreciated the effort somebody is doing and for me, it gives home feeling. After my stay and having this morning pissiness and taking for granted feeling, even though we were dating just 4 months, resulted in crying on a  train back home. I just felt so sad... so lonely... so unappreciated and hurt. I felt like I'm losing the spark that I have found again after a brutal break up after long term relationship more than a year ago.

So I gave it a thought, I asked myself if I see future in this if I can live without the warmth and affection and realised that I cant.. or I'll be nagging him for that and this is not good enough for me. So I called him a couple of days later and told him how I feel. He texted me later this "Its a pitty we met late in life when we already have our perceptions and habits formed, but no will to change. You're telling the truth - feels like there is a lot between us on one side, on the other side -it doesn't fully click. It will be sad..."

 

I have been NC 2weeks since than. Why I'm struggling: I have a feeling like I did something wrong, that despite the beautiful beginning it went south somewhere.. Maybe I should have been more patient?  I am puzzled by his hot and cold behaviour, that there were moments when he was affectionate, but then it would change into an almost business-like attitude during other times. I got scared that I was feeling that I am investing much more of my heart and thoughts into this relationship than he was, and I don't want that in my life anymore. It has never resulted in a peaceful, loving, deep connection in the long run for me. Is he emotionally unavailable, still dealing with the loss of his marriage? When I asked him, he said it doesn't matter to him anymore. I feel like, yes, I have broken up with him, I'm a dumper,  but I feel so rejected, unimportant and shattered into million pieces inside. 

 

[goldengirl11]

Hello Justina,

I think you absolutely did the right thing and understand that expressing those feelings must've taken some courage.

Your English is very good too, so there's no need to worry about it! 

I send you my best wishes.

Edited April 28, 2020 by goldengirl11

[scooby-philly]

Hey @Justina-justina - Sending you hugs, love, and care from the USA! You're English is a lot better than most people in the states - no need to apologize for it.

 

I'm a 38yr old single man that has failed in relationships because I'm like you - I crave a certain level of affection, a certain "feeling', and I've been foolish in staying in several long-term relationships (LTRs on here) with the wrong people. A few points for you to consider:

• First and foremost you could have been a "rebound" to him. Meaning he was just interested in a little sex and attention while still recovering from his marriage. Even though he was only married for a year, how long were they dating beforehand? Could have been years....and then he would not be copmletely over her after a year apart...or at least not ready for a full blown relationship....
• But most marriages don't break up at a year (though it does happen) if he and the ex-wife had known each other and/or date for years before the marriage. So I would suspect that the problem with marriage could be related to my point below:
• You cannot feel bad about your feelings and your actions were completely warranted (though the timing of the texts while he was on vacation was not good, it wasn't unreasonable for you to react that way either - it's normal to want to have someone say they miss you). Your feelings are always legitimate. 
• Some people crave affection more than others. And for a high-craver and a low-craver - they can learn to get along but the they have to be both emotionally mature and willing to learn. Especially the low-craver. But it sounds like he's not.
• You cannot change anyone. You have to lover the person compeltely and they have to be the right person for you forever, NOW. That's a big mistake a lot of good hearted people make - hoping, praying, thinking someone may "change". That only leads to disaster. He's not affectionate enough for you NOW and he's unwilling to do anything about it NOW. 
• We'd need more details about you, your life, and about the relationship but simply put - sometimes we can build up an image of a person in our minds and that becomes what dominates our relationship, not the actual person we're dating. We have to learn how to see people for who they really are - skinning away all of their defense mechanisms, personality traits, etc. My most recent ex, at first glance, seemed like a "nice, affectionate, mature" woman. But she wasn't. (Now, there was an age gap which is part of the problem, not not all of it). Her "niceness" was an act to get attention and praise and avoid conflict if she expressed her opinion, her affection had clear limits if it suited her and didn't incovienence her, and her "maturity" was just me mistaking her lack of friends and a social life and hobbies for the fact that she wasn't comfortable with herself, had self-esteem and self-image issues, and was from a shame-based, emotionally incestuous family. 8+ months out now I can see the Forest from the trees and realize why and how I made those mistakes - I was love-bombed in the beginning and I was too focused on the initial affection and had lowered my self-worth that when the first "oh s*** I should leave moment" - I was already hook-line-and sinker. You may want to do some time now thinking and reflecting on yourself because I have learned the hard way - good love, real love, true love, only comes after you love yourself and never compromise.
• And - forgive yourself. You cannot truly love someone without becoming vulnerable. And being vulnerable means you give that person the ability to either build a life with you or crush your heart in the end. And in this case - your heart got crushed. Don't run from the pain/emotions now - accept the darkness and dive into it - let it become your lover, your friend, your companion so that you can eventually emerge from the darkness a healthier, better person. 

Hugs!

[FMW]

You absolutely did the right thing telling him how you felt and then having no further contact. 

His responses and on/off coldness to you were clear signs he didn't have what it takes to be a good partner for you.  That's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong.  He's just not the guy you should be wasting your love and time on.

Stay strong with the no contact. There are better matches for you out there, just give yourself a little time to work through it.  

[Justina-justina]

hi, @goldengirl11 @scooby-philly @FMW, I wanted to say sincere thank you for taking your time to comment and share your thoughts. It really helps, not only reading your perspective on it, but also reading my own post.. I can feel my own anxiety and frustration between the lines. This is not where I want to be, so.. even though it hurts, but Im moving forward one step at the time. All will be ok  hugs to you all