Found Out Wife Is Cheating :

[RyanBD]

Hey, hope everyone is hanging in there during this...crazy time. I've come here looking to vent (can't just go get a beer with a buddy!) and to get advice. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm pretty torn up inside. I recently found out my wife is having an ongoing affair. We are in our early 30s and have been together since high school. We are (or I guess were) each others only ever sexual partners, and while some may think that's corny, I always thought it was really special. I haven't told her that I know about the affair. We are both working from home and are constantly together, and I can't even imagine having to deal with everything during this time. But I know that she is sneaking out (going for a "run" or to "Target"), and seeing him about 2 times per week. Maybe the worst part is...he is 19 (!) years old. Basically a child. I see from their interactions, the way he speaks to her...it's so juvenile and borderline disrespectful, and to my shock she seems to like it. How could I compete with that? But anyway, like I mentioned to open this post, I'm looking for advice on what to do, and I think that having someone even just to talk to would be incredibly helpful. Thanks for reading, and appreciate anyone who responds.

 

Ryan

[LynneVicious]

Wow. First off, you don’t ‘compete’. If your wife is making a conscious choice to cheat on her husband, that says it all. 
 

Unfortunately, When things like this happen, we are so taken aback and shaken to the core, it’s hard to focus on anything. I know how you feel. I’ve been there. 
 

When you have 100% undeniable proof that cannot be explained away, you confront her. But not beforehand. Because all cheaters are liars. 
 

And don’t feel you need to make any kind of decision right now. Do you have kids? I would get your ducks in a row and at least contact a lawyer so you know your rights in this situation and possible outcomes. 
 

When you do confront her, please understand that cheaters lie. She will trickle truth you to make it seem like it’s not all that bad. And most cheaters will only admit to what you have proof of. Anything else and they will deny it. 
 

And her cheating is not a reflection of you. It was her choice to cheat. A lot of cheaters will tel their partner that they didn’t feel appreciated, or sex was boring or anything else to take the blame off of themselves. 
 

Rhe bottom line is your wife chose to cheat on you instead of working problems out with you through communication or therapy or separation if she was unhappy. 
 

 

[DKT3]

You will get people telling you to compile evidence and proof. I dont buy that. When you know you know.

Strong actions work best. If I had it to do all over again I would simply ask if she had any thing to tell me, once she responded no, which most will do, I would state I know what your doing, I'm not going to argue the point but you have this much time to do this list of things or I'm out and then walk away. The thing is you have to mean it. 

Men tend to be too afraid to take a stand against thier wives infidelity, so they do little or attempt to nice them out of infidelity.  That doesn't work. 

[RyanBD]

Thanks for the reply Lynne, everything you say here makes a lot of sense. We have a 5 year old daughter, and it makes me so sad to think about her in this situation. And there is no doubt about the cheating. I have many conversations saved and unfortunately, pictures. There's literally nothing she could say...

[Calmandfocused]

Ryan, oh my goodness. 
 

First and foremost are you ok? I know we’re in lockdown but do you have someone to support you? You’re going to need support to get through this. 
 

You know this man? He’s not coming anywhere near your home is he? 
 

The first thing you need to do is physically separate yourself from your wife. Emotions aside, she’s putting you at risk by sleeping with this man and living with you. 
 

Have you asked her to leave? 
 

It doesn’t sound as if this has really hit you yet but it will. 
 

You don’t sound angry but eventually you will feel it. She’s destroyed your marriage and that is unforgivable. The fact this man is 19 and the relationship is unlikely to last is irrelevant. She’s betrayed you. 
 

You need to find space to process, feel and come to terms with what’s happened. Only then can you decide how to proceed with your wife. 

[Calmandfocused]

Wait, does your wife know that you know? I’m sensing that she doesn’t? 

[Gr8fuln2020]

8 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Wait, does your wife know that you know? I’m sensing that she doesn’t? 

She doesn't know he knows. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

12 minutes ago, RyanBD said:

Thanks for the reply Lynne, everything you say here makes a lot of sense. We have a 5 year old daughter, and it makes me so sad to think about her in this situation. And there is no doubt about the cheating. I have many conversations saved and unfortunately, pictures. There's literally nothing she could say...

Ugh. So sorry. You have text messages with photos of the two? You say conversations? You mean text messages?  You are in some shock. Do you want to save this marriage or not? Either way, the pics and conversation will go a long way to getting your wife to make a reversal or at least unable to deny the affair. You also have it as leverage if you decide to end it. Good luck. 

[ShyViolet]

She's in her 30s, and having an affair with a 19 year old kid?  And she's still going and seeing him in person, even during this COVID thing?  She sounds completely reckless.  

[Marc878]

I wouldn’t sit on it too long. The quicker you blow it up the better. Do not let her gaslight you and blame you. This betrayal is 100% on her.

Doing nothing in these situations is the worst thing you can do.

No begging, crying or pleading. Do not do the infamous “pick me dance” or try and nice her back. Those things make you look weak and lower your status. 
 

You should take a few and determine if this is a dealbreaker or not. If it is make plans for D if not give her about 1 minute to cut him off.

Don't jump into marriage counseling upfront. A lot of those people are notorious rugsweepers and may even try to blame you for her affair. Do not offer Reconciliation upfront Immediately either. Upfront most just want them back without taking the time to think about what they’re getting back. The affair is a very conscious and willing decision she made. It wasn’t a mistake. They just don’t happen.

Get strong quick and stay there. If you attempt to help hide the affair you will only enable it. Just because you found out and confront doesn’t mean it’ll end and repeats happen. The capability is there. 
 

sorry you’re here

Edited April 27, 2020 by Marc878

[schlumpy]

Before you confront make sure you know in your heart what you want. If it's a divorce then you know what you have to do but if it is save the marriage then she will have suffer some consequences to offer any type guarantee that this is a one time thing. Without consequences and true remorse on her part the chance of a repeat is very high.

As blatant about this as she is, I would suspect it's not the first time.

Five year old daughter you say? What a shame.

Your first step is an attorney.

[Ellener]

So sorry @RyanBD. It's a crappy thing to do to someone (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[RyanBD]

Wow, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I'm getting some really good stuff here. It's a tough situation on its own, and being compounded by quarantine and having a daughter. To respond to some of your questions and thoughts...

1 hour ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Ugh. So sorry. You have text messages with photos of the two? You say conversations? You mean text messages?  You are in some shock. Do you want to save this marriage or not? Either way, the pics and conversation will go a long way to getting your wife to make a reversal or at least unable to deny the affair. You also have it as leverage if you decide to end it. Good luck. 

Correct, I have text messages between them, and I found photos of...let's just say HIM, if you know what I mean. And you don't even want to know how I actually found out she was cheating...And do I want the marriage to end? In this moment, with it so fresh, I don't even know. I love her a lot and of course I only want the best for our daughter. I've always been happy being with her, never had any doubts or big issues. We have fun together, we've been together over half of our lives. That being said, I'm humiliated by what's she's doing, I'm upset, I'm angry. So I dont really know, I've never had to deal with something like this before.

 

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

You know this man? He’s not coming anywhere near your home is he? 
 

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

She's in her 30s, and having an affair with a 19 year old kid?  And she's still going and seeing him in person, even during this COVID thing?  She sounds completely reckless.  

I'll group these two together. Crazy right? Completely out of the blue. Knowing her as well as I do, or as well as I thought I did, I'm stunned. If you told me she was having an affair, I would have pictured a handsome older man. Or maybe someone our age who is like in amazing shape or something. Not this...and unfortunately I do know him. He's a barback at a bar close to our neighborhood. Just adds to the humiliation.

[Marc878]

Unfortunately you are put in a situation that you never expected to happen and no one is prepared for this.

Reconciliation would need the basics:

1-Remorse for her affair not just regrets at getting caught.

2-Permanent no contact with her lover

3-full and total transparency 

4-her willIng to to the heavy lifting to repair the marriage 

Bud, even with that it can take as much as 5 years with no guarantees. The capability is there to cheat again. If she can’t or doesn’t fix this you could deal with it again. 
 You will reflect back and probably see what you ignored or overlooked before. Cheating is a very selfish thing.

I would check him out and see if he’s married or has a girlfriend. The thing is you don’t know where he’s been. So STD testing is  advisable ASAP.

This guy is a part but your wayward wife is your big problem. This guy wouldn’t have been a issue until she let him in. Don’t get sidetracked and fixate on her other man.

Sorry you’re here. 

 

 

[lolablue17]

Well, It isn't realistic to expect you to know what to do, what is your next step. You are in shock, whether you're aware of it, or not. 

The sad reality is that she is bored with you, she has needs that her Husband cannot give her, not because you're not good enough, but because of your position - Same love since high school. So, it's all about her, and her needs. There's a good chance it's not her first time, and he is not her second after you. 

If what i say make sense for you, why would you let her (cheater and liar) to have a say about your life? She is not necessarily a bad person, or woman. She is bad for you. She of course will never admit other men. But the question is what do you care what she will say. 

Decide what ever you decide, but don't let your daughter be a factor. Don't do that mistake, and I'm speaking from long long experience, not only mine. Kids survive divorce and can be very happy. Kids might not be so happy with 2 parents that should be divorced, but decided to stay because of them. 

 

Good luck. I'm so sorry for you. 

[RyanBD]

Thank you both for the support and advice. Marc, as hard as it was I did snoop a little to find out more about him. He's definitely not married, but seems like he has a girlfriend, she looks about his age. From their correspondence, it doesnt seem like he cares much about her, beyond just the physical. I'm trying not to fixate on him, like you said.

[Marc878]

Bud if it were me next time she get ready for a rendezvous with her new boyfriend I think I’d say something like this as she was heading out the door. The longer these things go the harder they are to stop if you consider R. Focus and do not allow her to sidebar. 
 

Be bold. Get strong and stay there. This is your life, your marriage and your family.

If your going to have sex with your new boyfriend (his name) don’t bother coming back. Do not give up your info on how you know or found out. You’ll find out more about her and your situation that way. If she lies etc. That will mean she’s going to try and continue. If you give up your source then you’ll be completely in the dark. She’ll learn to hide it better. Upfront most go into self protection mode. Which won’t last long if they are not relationship material. At this time you don’t know. Never, ever give up your source. Hell, she knows she’s cheating you don’t have to convince her.

If you decide to just D all you need do is have her served. Get to an attorney. Try and get a free consult. If you are in a fault state adultery can negate alimony.

Edited April 27, 2020 by Marc878

[RyanBD]

That's been like, the hardest part. Knowing that she is going to do it. Shes out "for a jog" as we speak. Is she doing it now? I hate this. If we had a daughter it'd be different, but what the hell am I supposed to say, ya know?

[Marc878]

One thing that may help you is

”No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover it’s free pdf download. Its short

it may help you deal with this better. 
 

look it up

[RyanBD]

Thank you, Ill definitely check that out

[Marc878]

8 minutes ago, RyanBD said:

That's been like, the hardest part. Knowing that she is going to do it. Shes out "for a jog" as we speak. Is she doing it now? I hate this. If we had a daughter it'd be different, but what the hell am I supposed to say, ya know?

You don’t deserve to be cheated on. If you don’t stand up for yourself you’re gonna get more. If you let your fear of losing her guide you this’ll get worse. How do you like it so far?

Bud, don't worry about pushing her away. She’s already gone. Strength is an attractive trait to have. That is your best way to get yourself out of living in infidelity. Get some now. If not you will regret it later. Write down what you’re going to say and rehearse it. Then pick a time and fire for effect. 

I’ve seen many of these and the ones who come out best get strong and deal with it upfront. No matter which way it goes. 

Edited April 27, 2020 by Marc878

[Marc878]

Too many get bogged down in analysis paralysis.

Its basic shes cheating and you aren’t living like this. You get to choose whether its D or let her try and convince you to grant her the gift of R (if you so choose). Her decision is end the affair or not. I’d give her 30 seconds. Do not allow her to drag this out. 
 

Thus is wrong. She’s wrong!!

Then figure out what you want.

I would move her stuff out of the bedroom. You stay!!!!! Strength versus weakness. Weakness will get you killed here.

[Marc878]

I’m trying to give you as much info as quick as possible. You must try and stop the affair ASAP. Nothing else but that right now is imperative. If she won’t and she may not then you’ll at least know. It’s easier dealing with a known versus an unknown.

You keep your options open upfront. Do not put yourself in the weak position of offering R upfront.

keep posting for help/questions. You’re gonna need it. Do you have close family/friends fir support?

 

[mark clemson]

Lots of very good advice above IMO.

This is NOT a recommendation as to a course of action, but some things for you to be aware of:

If you read around here a bit, you'll find it's fairly common for a WS to become desperate to get their BS back once discovered. Particularly if the BS is firm about walking away. Ironically, this tends to make the WS "flip" emotionally and be desperate for reconciliation.

My strong hunch is that "blowing up her marriage/family" is not part of the game plan here. 19 y.o. boy-toy is just that - a boy-toy, not someone for a serious relationship. So, upon discovery she may be quite interested in just "putting all this behind us". (Probably a lot more interested than you will be, at least not without serious examination/changes.) She may be QUITE interested in reconciling, rather than facing the prospect of life as a single mom in her 30's. I could always be wrong, but that's my sense of this.

If you think separation/divorce are in the cards, then speaking to an attorney to get a general sense of what a divorce might look like is probably a very good idea. Would she keep the house/condo (if any)? what would spousal support and/or child support look like? any impact of the affair.?You'll probably want court-admissable evidence of the affair too if there's an impact, which is something the lawyer could speak to. Most family attorneys will give free half hour consults and you're free to ping more than one if you think of additional questions.

[Marc878]

^^^^^^ yep.

For your long term future if you should offer the gift of R do not allow a rugsweep. That’s a good way to go through this again. Nothing says that can’t happen.