Found Out Wife Is Cheating :

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, RyanBD said:

So yeah, I really have no idea what to do from here. I can't see myself going after her with a lawyer. I'm going to contact one, try to be smart about it, see my options. But even though she did this, she really has been a great partner and mother. I've probably painted her in a bad light here, and what she did is very irresponsible. But to take her daughter from her, no way I could do that. We've been together since we were 15, and she violated our vows and my trust, but she's not a horrible person. She's a good person who got caught up in something and was selfish. I'm sure she has her reasons for it, and I would like to know what they are. Is it hard having sex with just one person your whole life? Extremely. Does that mean you should f*** a 19 year old? No. If I did that I'm sure she would have...cut it off lol, but idk. As I sit here right now, I'm heavily leaning toward leaving her, for sure. If that happens, I'm not going to drag it out in court and go that route. Everything we've built we've built together. If she wants to go that route, then fine I guess I'll have to play ball. I can't see her doing that (but then again...didn't see this coming either), and especially because I know for damn sure she wouldnt want lawyers or anyone else seeing those naked pics of her and the nasty s*** she said to this guy. But I guess we'll see.

First off let me say it's your marriage. You have to live with this so you get make the decisions.

Right now it's your show and you should let her stew as to what your decision will be. It's time for her to share all the feelings that she created in you by seeing someone else. It should be just a taste of what is to come.

If she doesn't offer you complete transparency with her phone and media then your chances to reconcile will take a hit. You should not have to mention this. She should offer.

She broke it so she has to repair the marriage. It's all on her.

I read you are already going through excuses for her. That's your prerogative. Just understand that if the consequences are not substantial you will be teaching her that she can have sex with other men and still keep you as plan B. Next time she will be harder to catch. Maybe she will step it up to a burner phone. I would suggest you dig through a few years of phone records to see if you can spot some unknown numbers and if you have common friends see if you can't shake loose some information from them about your wife's behavior over the years.

You can't ignore that this may not be the first time.

I hope things work out for you and that we won't be seeing you post again in a couple of years.

[Guildford]

Ryan said "Sorry for the novel here, but all of that is to illustrate why she was so stunned when I confronted her...she really thought she was covering her tracks. But yeah her face was all red, she could barely get any words out. She was just crying and telling me how sorry she was and that she would stop immediately. It was really hard. "

Most of the people here seem to be advising that you pull the trigger on divorce.  You have known her half your lives and before this happened you relationship was good.  In your last post you say that after confronted with the evidence she cried, said she was sorry and that she would stop.  Look to see how she is going forward, and judge her on that and your past together.  This quarantine can be rougher on some than others.  My wife and I are in our 70s, retired and with good income and were are handling it OK, but it is irritating.  Perhaps it became too much for your wife and she needed an escape.  I believe in reconciliation when possible and I hope that it is possible here.

[Buffer]

We that’s is over. Take a few breaths.

Number 1 priority is your daughter and you. Your emotions are going to be on a wild ride for the next few months. Please distance from WW. She is really upset cause she got caught. First and foremost. She is going to manipulate you, I am so sorry! It was only sex! Would she accept this if the shoe was on the other foot? No

Keep up looking after yourself. We here have recommended seeking, legal, medical and financial advice, but you are the bunny on the spot.  If she starts laying the blame on you, big no no! It does take two to make a marriage but only selfish acts to include infidelity.

one day at a time

Buffer

[Buffer]

Sorry internet issues.
 She will show regrets. But look how she hid the reality of her deliberate, deceitful, calculating lies and actions. It would be still going on had you not acted on your subconscious warnings.
She might be a great mother, but really great mothers don’t betray and lie to their children like she did.
She might be a great person, but great partners  don’t include betraying their vows like she did. Great people do great things unfortunately your WW isn’t one of them.

If she starts laying the blame on you, big no no! It does take two to make a marriage but only selfish acts of one to include infidelity.

one day at a time

Buffer

[Marc878]

6 hours ago, Guildford said:

Ryan said "Sorry for the novel here, but all of that is to illustrate why she was so stunned when I confronted her...she really thought she was covering her tracks. But yeah her face was all red, she could barely get any words out. She was just crying and telling me how sorry she was and that she would stop immediately. It was really hard. "

Most of the people here seem to be advising that you pull the trigger on divorce.  You have known her half your lives and before this happened you relationship was good.  In your last post you say that after confronted with the evidence she cried, said she was sorry and that she would stop.  Look to see how she is going forward, and judge her on that and your past together.  This quarantine can be rougher on some than others.  My wife and I are in our 70s, retired and with good income and were are handling it OK, but it is irritating.  Perhaps it became too much for your wife and she needed an escape.  I believe in reconciliation when possible and I hope that it is possible here.

Most normal people may get irritated but they don’t go out and start sexual affairs because of it. Inexcusable behavior. 
 

The problem is it can be repeated. The capability is certainly there. This wasn’t a mistake. It was a calculated willing decision. 

[schlumpy]

I forgot to add something Ryan.

Get a DNA test for your five year old.

Edited April 30, 2020 by schlumpy

[notbroken]

My exwife cheated.  It was denied and rugswept.  Huge mistake.  I never really quite trusted her ever again and divorced years later.  I have regretted not divorcing her immediately ever since.  Don't do that.  Find a way to fix it or break it.  Fixing it is actually WAY harder (and I now know I personally am incapable of it).  Me personally, I can never trust anyone ever again after they seriously violate that.  Trust is a cornerstone of marriage.  Your cornerstone is broken and laying in the street.  It will take some serious work to put it back and may be impossible.   

We all live by a 'code'.  My code these days is ZERO tolerance for infidelity.  Life is short.  Too short to spend with someone you can't trust and/or build a serious/deep relationship with.   

Honestly, my experience is that you CAN stay married - maybe even long enough that your kid can go off to college.  However, you likely won't have a very deep/satisfying relationship with your wife.  That nagging distrust and questions will eat you alive and always be in the background.    

Your experience may differ, but I can tell you that is what happened to me. 

These days I have been with a better woman for almost 10 years.  She is not a cheater and I am much happier with her.  If she did cheat I know myself well enough to know that would be an instant show stopper.  Hard lesson learned. 

 

 

  

 

 

[rjc149]

I've never been married so I can't say I understand what you're going through or what you're feeling. I have been lied to and betrayed by someone I cared very deeply for, however. 

You sound like a good guy with a good head on his shoulders. You do well financially, to boot. You're in your 30's. You are in the prime of your life as a man. You have options. 

Divorce her. Be strong, walk away from her and never look back. She isn't your life partner anymore. She's just your daughter's mother now. That's it.

This isn't about punishing her, it's about what's best for you. If you take her back, you communicate that her behavior is acceptable. No matter how hard you rake her over the coals, at the end of the day, if you reconcile, there are no consequences. She gets off the hook. You communicate that you are desperate and have no other options. You communicate that she is on a pedestal, and is in position to step all over you at any time once more. She will cheat again. And if she doesn't, you can never be sure. You'll be sleeping with one eye open for the rest of your marriage. The closeness and intimacy that comes with vulnerability and trust is forever gone with her. 

You're a single guy in his prime, with a daughter and baby momma, looking for a new partner to share his life with. 

Best, and take care. 

 

[Guildford]

Marc878 - You are right this quarantine is not justification for an affair, but it can explain behavior that is totally out of character.  If every extramarital affair resulted in divorce, then our divorce rate would skyrocket.  She should go to extremes to make up with her husband, and I am guessing it will cost her the time for jogging.   

[rjc149]

The reason why too many marriages result in divorce is because too many relationships result in marriage.

There's an older school of thought, rooted in an older school of marital ideology, that advocates a marriage should be fought for, for it's own sake, even if the romantic relationship no longer functions or exists. This is becoming obsolescent as the tethers of societal expectations and religion no longer bind people the way they once did, and when women can now be self-sufficient adults. 

I don't think OP should lower his value and swallow disrespect just for the sake of hanging on to a piece of legal paper.  Subjecting a young child to a distrustful, resentful, utilitarian marriage is not better than having two happy parents who are living separate lives. 

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, Guildford said:

Marc878 - You are right this quarantine is not justification for an affair, but it can explain behavior that is totally out of character.  If every extramarital affair resulted in divorce, then our divorce rate would skyrocket.  She should go to extremes to make up with her husband, and I am guessing it will cost her the time for jogging.   

What she should do doesn’t indicate what she will do. Upfront most go into self protection mode. Promise anything but words are meaningless. One thing is certain the capability to cheat is there. Will she learn/change? Maybe/maybe not. What happens the next time she gets irritated/frustrated? Repeats happen all the time.
 

Only time will tell. If that’s the path OP takes. It’s up to him. True R is rare. It takes 2 fully committed. R can be done but not without a lot of time/effort and there are no guarantees.

Edited April 30, 2020 by Marc878

[lolablue17]

You are leaning towards leaving her, right now. If that is the case, i have nothing to add. Of course, if you can do it amicably with now lawyers, it's the best optuition (I would strongly advise to consult lawyers, or even take one together, because when signing agreement, you must have a lawyer to write it and consult. 

Along the upcoming weeks, if you change your mind towards staying, you should pay attention to a tricky problem (again - long long experience). First cheating is the hardest one. You need to break many values, many vows... 

I do not believe that it's her first man beside you. But even if it is, after the first time she continue again and again, while being much better covering her actions (not good enough in that case). So after the shock is over, quarantine is over, Now you have an additional factor - she learned that her husband can bare cheating. He did not do anything, he acted logically, her husband thinks that she has good reasons to cheat, he stayed, and didn't even have a break down. 

So after a while, she just needs to be better with covering her tracks. The cheating decision was made long ago - now it's only a matter of circumstances. Considering between all parts of the picture - can she hide the next one from you? (Yes), and if you catch her, will you leave? (NO), So what will keep her from doing it repeatedly?

I just don't think she will change. She will only change her actions according to circumstances at any point, but the train in her mind, has left the train long ago. Reading your civilize supportive response - you are the perfect husband for a cheating wife. What can i say.

If it was me, this thing would turn to a big huge crisis, in which me and especially her, wouldn't sleep, eat properly. She would have experienced life from the dark side, and eventually, this fews month period, could have frightened her so much, burned in her memory, so she would have thought many time before cheating again. Not with you. You are the nice guy. I'm just trying to draw some things you might want to think of, if you decide to stay. 

[jolehno]

I will speak of my own experience. I suspected my wife of 23 years was cheating, and the next day I had definite proof, I played the recorded conversation of her and her lover and asked her to leave the house. She left with deep shame, and we were NC for 18 months. Finally, she came back and now even that she accepts nothing, her good behaviour says it all.

What I am trying to say is that if you want to have a chance to have your family and her respect back, you MUST be decisive. Ask her to leave, dont worry about your D. if she has been a good mother so far. You are actually trying to saving her her family in the long run. Do not accept being disrespected one more day. The shock of your actions may bring her back from the clouds and save both of you a lot of heartache. 

[Buckeye2]

First divorce must always be a presented as a real possibility by the BS even if they 100% want to stay married.   It sends a message if the BS goes straight to counseling and reconciliation without divorce being mentioned.   No matter what was said that action demonstrates that the BS doesn’t think that the sex was a big deal and that the marriage was never at risk.

It’s like robbing a bank, getting caught and the possibility of going to jail never being brought up.  Robbing banks can be rewarding and if you can’t possibility go to jail (even if caught) why in the world would you stop robbing banks?

Some people take comfort in the fact that their cheating spouse never intended to leave them.   I find that to be even worse.   Cheating because they found their soul mate that they want to spend the rest of their life with is more palatable to me.   Risking your marriage over sport sex is much worse.

It’s like you’re the dad and your wife is your teenage daughter.    She sneaks out of her bedroom window so see the exciting bad boy you don’t approve of.  She likes the stability and family life that dad provides.  Plus she’s convinced that daddy will never kick her out of the house because he loves her so much. 

In a perverse way daddy being a good guy that loves her gave her the confidence to cheat.  It’s like working with a net.  Even if you fall it will be OK.

Daddy provided 90% of her needs and her boyfriend provided 10%.  Life was wonderful.  Sneaking around was exciting.  The boyfriend being forbidden fruit made him more fun than he would be otherwise.

Now she’s caught but doesn’t want to give up her fantastic life.   When forced to give up one of her men she makes the logical decision.  The 90% that daddy provides is better than the 10% that the boyfriend provided.  Plus the boyfriend is poor and doesn’t have a house for her to live in.

 

[Buckeye2]

On 4/29/2020 at 3:06 PM, RyanBD said:

If she wants to go that route, then fine I guess I'll have to play ball. I can't see her doing that (but then again...didn't see this coming either), and especially because I know for damn sure she wouldnt want lawyers or anyone else seeing those naked pics of her and the nasty s*** she said to this guy. But I guess we'll see.

If you want to R you need to expose the affair far and wide.  Tell the other BS, work, friends, etc.  You do that to get the WS out of the fog and end the affair.

If you’re going to divorce you want the WS to stay in the fog.  Don’t expose to anyone you don’t have to.  This gives you leverage in the divorce to get better terms.  The WS and the AP will want to keep the BS happy and their mouth shut. 

It’s not mentioned much but a major motivation to R for the WS is to save their reputation.  The BS (as the major injured party) is like the only priest that can give them absolution.  If they stay married and act as if everything is fine how can anyone else complain about the WS’s actions?

 

[Marc878]

I wouldn’t do any manipulation at all. That only works short term anyway. 

A lot upfront just want them back without consideration of what they get back. Longer term you could get this again. The capability is certainly there. That’s why you don’t offer R until you’ve had enough time to think it through.

There are two myths:

1- they always come back. Nope, they sure don’t. Upfront you may get self protection mode which may not last. They may get shocked at getting caught but that doesn’t they are back permanently or stay long term.

2- once a cheater always a cheater. Not always but the capability is there. 
 

If it’s a short marriage. It’s not a good future sign.

[Buffer]

The A has been going on for way longer that she says. The physical side may only have been a few times or a few months. The emotional side would have been going on for way longer. The meet ups, chats, texting, a quick chat whilst jogging. If it has been physical for say three months, the emotional side would be at least double that time; 3 to 6 months longer. She sounds like she wouldn’t do a random dude just for the sake of sex. She took her time to see if this person was ok to loose her marriage over, if caught. Her thoughts may be “I will never get caught so there is no problem sleeping with the teen, but if caught: hubby will not leave me as I am the mother of his child!”

File brother, it can be stopped at any time if YOU decide you can do the pain and she the work to R.

Buffer

[Emilie Jolie]

Hi Ryan

Firstly, clearly this situation sucks. I hope you're holding it together mentally; I can't imagine how tricky it must be having to go through this during a period of confinement. 

Secondly, I have not been in your shoes, nor have I been in your wife's shoes, so take whatever comes next as totally objective advice. My take would be that after a period of self-reflection in which you give yourself time to process this and cover all angles, call a lawyer, talk about divorce in a way that makes your wife understand that you did take legal advice, and act on it by laying down practicalities (maintenance, shared custody, whatever set up you think is right for your child). This is just to show how seriously you are taking her betrayal - as you should.

Whatever happens next is down to how strong the bond you have actually is. I imagine you will be changing your mind a thousand times - I would suggest to keep your inner turmoil to yourself. Just show her how determined you are to see it through to the end. Prepare yourself for all eventualities: her consenting to a no-stress divorce, her wanting a battle (from what I've seen around me, it can quickly become unbelievably ugly, even with couples you thought were rock solid despite all good intentions - divorce sucks the life out of some people), her begging to stay for convenience, or her genuinely wanting to start over (that means counselling, lots of communication, being open and transparent with what has happened and why, and wanting to fix whatever you both feel is broken in your marriage).

Ideally, you will come to a common decision with a little disruption to you both and your child; but whatever happens, expect a period of turbulence ahead. 

[Had I Known]

Quote

We are (or I guess were) each others only ever sexual partners.

Statement: You are the only man alive who has had sexual intercourse with her.

Solution: Tell her the above statement was true before she cheated and once it is true again you will forgive her and take her back.  Until then you will divorce her and have nothing to do with her.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ryan, a lot of folks have made a number of suggestions, some of which may or may not appeal to you. Apparently some suggestions have been a bit vague and I guess you have to read between the lines to draw your own conclusions. Most of the suggestions are good and you should turn them over in your mind very carefully before rejecting them out of hand.  In the mean time I have some questions and some suggestions of my own and I hope these will be helpful to you in putting things in perspective.

Firstly, I would like to ask you whether your relationship with your wife was good or Luke warm during the period of her affair? Did she ever appear cold towards you and did she ever reject you in any way, including sexually? Secondly, did you ever find her behaviour abnormal in any way at any time in previous years? How long have you been actually married to her? From what I gather, you two have been in a committed relationship for 17 years. Did you or your wife have any relationships before the two of you got together? Also, if I may ask, are both of your libidos matched or does your wife have a higher or lower libido than you? This may seem intrusive but it is not meant to be. It will only provide a better insight into what possibly went wrong. 

In terms of income, do both of you earn roughly the same level of incomes or is there a big disparity? What about your wife's self esteem? Is it good and is she a self confident person or is she a shrinking violet? Apart from this forced togetherness that Covid has necessitated, do you two regularly have some quality time together or are you both busy with your own distractions, finally getting to be together only at bed time? What about your conjugal interactions? Are these frequent and pleasurably satisfying for both of you or not? 

I wanted to digress for a moment to focus on something else. The kind of affair your wife has been having with a testosterone driven juvenile leads me to believe that she is definitely not serious about this guy and it is only some wild no strings attached sex that she periodically enjoys with him. For her he is just a boy toy, someone who she will dispense with when she gets bored of him. This also means that she has no intention of dumping you or nixing her marriage. Right now she has been enjoying the best of both worlds, having a stable home life, a loving husband, a child of her own with the status of a wife and mother, and a stable career. On the other, she gets some wild, no holds barred orgasm filled sex, and lives out her fantasy of being a wanton slut, which no one from her other world would recognize, on the side. She certainly did not want you to know because(a) she values your opinion of her and does not want you to think poorly of her and (b)she does not want you to divorce her over this because in her mind this is just some meaningless sex which can be switched on and off at will and is something that belongs in the fantasy world. She is, in effect, a Hotwife, with the qualifying factor that she does not have your sanction and approval to indulge her sexual fantasies. If you look up the term Hotwife, you will see that the description very closely resembles the activities of your wife, with the exception of the cheating factor.

Having said this you have to make the call as to whether you would like to open your marriage to accommodate your wife's desires or to divorce her and move on to someone who will remain true to you. The thing is that once she had tasted the forbidden fruit she will always hanker for it and it will be very difficult for you to keep her tied down to your side. It would, in fact, be an act of kindness on your part to let her go and find a partner who revels in the Hotwife kink and would be very glad to support her in her fantasy. In fact you will be surprised how many suitors she will have if she gets on to the relevant dating sites. As for you, unless you are prepared to support her in her kink, it is best that you set her free and look for someone who is in consonance with your own views on life. Warm wishes.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Just a Guy
Correct spelling mistakes.

[rjc149]

I personally don't believe true reconciliation is ever possible after betrayal, and that time is better spent forming new partnerships with better women than jury-rigging broken ones with sh--ty women to function as a civil partnership. 

If there was a long period of bad communication and clear emotional neglect, and out of loneliness and despair she had a one-time hookup with a consoling presence, and immediately confessed to OP that her emotions got the better of her and she made a huge mistake, that would be one thing. Personally I would still have divorce papers on their way to her because the time and effort in repairing destroyed trust simply isn't worth the payoff, but maybe I could understand an attempt at reconciliation. 

This was an ongoing, repeated betrayal, with willful effort made to lie, deceive, and hide an affair in which she was a very enthusiastic participant. I cannot possibly see a way for reconciliation with a woman like this. The only way forward for OP is out and onward. 

[usa1ah]

On 4/29/2020 at 3:06 PM, RyanBD said:

Hey everyone, I'm back with an update. Firstly, I want to thank everyone who took the time to write something, it means a lot to know that I'm not alone. I received a lot of good stuff here, which has been helpful. So I confronted her about it last night. She was completely stunned. She thought she was covering her tracks really well and to her credit she pretty much was. She's been deleting things almost as soon as they were coming in (I'm talking pics and messages).

At first I kind of just had a feeling she might be doing something, but I talked myself out of that pretty quickly. Then my feeling turned to like...an inkling. But I didnt act on that either. I've never been the type to check her phone or be paranoid, just not my style and she's never, in 17 years, given me any reason to. But then she left behind a piece of evidence that left like...virtually no doubt. After I found that, I knew I had to check her phone. Even then, I was uncomfortable. I checked it once when she went to the bathroom, nothing there. I checked it another time when she was distracted with our daughter. Nothing there. A couple more times, nothing there. So then I figured maybe I WAS just being paranoid, and that evidence I found was not what I thought it was. But then a couple days later we were watching a movie, and she fell asleep, which she really never does. So I checked her phone, and apparently since she wasnt planning to drift asleep, she wasn't able to delete stuff. I found pics she sent him, pics he sent her, and messages talking about when they could meet up again and some stuff recapping what they had done the day before. I was like...fighting back the urge to cry and/or throw up...but I was able to screenshot them and send them to myself, and then cover up that I did that. The next morning, I was able to check her phone again and all of that stuff was deleted.

Sorry for the novel here, but all of that is to illustrate why she was so stunned when I confronted her...she really thought she was covering her tracks. But yeah her face was all red, she could barely get any words out. She was just crying and telling me how sorry she was and that she would stop immediately. It was really hard.

We live in NYC, so although we do well financially, our apartment is pretty small. Neither of us wanted to wake our daughter. I grew up watching my parents fight and it was terrible. Although an argument here is justifiable, I still want to keep as much of it away from her as possible. I know that children with divorced parents can manage just fine, I'm an example of that. Once my parents got divorced, me and my siblings had a way better home life. No fighting, and our parents kept a good, cordial relationship. But hearing or seeing your parents fighting about your mother cheating on your father...ugh that sucks.

And to those who asked implied im being a "doormat", I get it and perhaps that's fair. But when you and your cheating wife and your 5 year old daughter are quarantined 24 hours a day in a small NYC apartment, I think it would be pretty irresponsible of me to confront her, and now the 3 of us have to live in it for...a month? 2 months? Longer? If it was a normal time, I would have confronted her immediately. Just a s***ty situation.

So yeah, I really have no idea what to do from here. I can't see myself going after her with a lawyer. I'm going to contact one, try to be smart about it, see my options. But even though she did this, she really has been a great partner and mother. I've probably painted her in a bad light here, and what she did is very irresponsible. But to take her daughter from her, no way I could do that. We've been together since we were 15, and she violated our vows and my trust, but she's not a horrible person. She's a good person who got caught up in something and was selfish. I'm sure she has her reasons for it, and I would like to know what they are. Is it hard having sex with just one person your whole life? Extremely. Does that mean you should f*** a 19 year old? No. If I did that I'm sure she would have...cut it off lol, but idk. As I sit here right now, I'm heavily leaning toward leaving her, for sure. If that happens, I'm not going to drag it out in court and go that route. Everything we've built we've built together. If she wants to go that route, then fine I guess I'll have to play ball. I can't see her doing that (but then again...didn't see this coming either), and especially because I know for damn sure she wouldnt want lawyers or anyone else seeing those naked pics of her and the nasty s*** she said to this guy. But I guess we'll see.

Sorry again for the novel, but felt good to get some of it off of my chest. If anyone is still interested in this, I can post updates as they come. Thanks again!

Ryan

Good people don’t do what your wife did. He is almost half her age. 
 

Good people don’t treat their SO’s the way your wife treated you. 
 

Your wife had no guilt for what she was doing. She is just upset that she got caught. Not something a good person does. 
 

Good people don’t throw their family down the s***ter to f*** a 19 yr old. 
 

Your wife is not a good person. 
 

The woman you thought you married was. Your wife isn’t who you thought she was. She was able to f*** someone else with no remorse knowing she could lose her family if caught. That is why she was deleting everything as soon as possible. She had no regrets about f***ing the other boy. 19 is to young to call a man. Again a good person doesn’t do this. 
 

I totally respect you keeping this from the littles ones by not fighting in front of them. 
 

Your wife should be on the couch. 
 

This is not the woman you married. 

[usa1ah]

I am not saying destroy your wife with a lawyer. 
 

Get a lawyer to protect you and your daughter. That includes getting 50/50 rights. Like you said, you never thought she would be have sex with a kid. Get a lawyer already. She can go after you with false claims just to protect herself if she thinks you might use the guys age against her. I have read about wives that have seen caught doing this. It has completely devastated the betrayed husband financially and mentally. They have stripped BH of all parental rights. Be as nice about it as you wish. Just don’t be a fool when it comes to protecting your daughter and your own future. 
 

If someone needs to leave do not do it. That can be used against you. Talk with a lawyer before you take one step out of the apartment to find another. Also, you should not leave period. Your wife is the one that cheated, if she needs space she can leave to find it. 

Edited May 2, 2020 by usa1ah

[IndigoNight]

OP

I'm sorry you are in this situation with your wife. There isn't much in a relationship that hurts as deeply as someone you love being unfaithful.

You have been given lots of advice. Here's mine:

Do what works for you. If it's staying with your wife, then stay. If it's divorcing her, then get a divorce. You aren't less of a man if you stay. You aren't a horrible father if you leave. The only 'right' answer in your situation is for you to do whatever you decide to do. No one here has to live with the consequences of your decision, but you do. So does your daughter.

I've been cheated on, and it hurts in ways that no words can explain. The anger, the hurt, the confusion, the mistrust, it's all overwhelming. I don't disagree with your decision to take things slow because of the lockdown. It's already a stressful situation, and regardless of what she did, it doesn't benefit anyone to make it worse.

I would insist that her jogging and trips to Target stop immediately. I would also insist that she stop contacting him. If you decide to divorce her, fine, she can pick up her affair once the lockdown is over, and one of you has moved out. Until then, she can put her family first. It's a small thing to ask, given the situation. You are putting your family first, and not going nuclear, because of the lockdown. She can do the same.

Some people think telling the world about the affair helps. Personally, I disagree. I was humiliated enough, without sharing it with people I didn't even know (the AP family). Until I figured out what I was going to do, I didn't say anything to anyone. It was none of their business. It was my marriage. I was there one cheated on. I needed to do what was right for me, and my son. Beyond that, no one else mattered to me. Who you tell, or don't tell, is entirely up to you.

I couldn't stand having him in my bed. Just touching me in the middle of the night upset me. Asking her to sleep on the couch for now would be understandable. I was the one who slept in the couch. I didn't feel like listening to more apologies, and excuses. Again, do what you need to do for you.

You can move slowly. It is easier to add to the things you're doing than it is to try to rescind anything. There is the added benefit that by going slowly she won't know what your intentions are. I didn't care about that. For months I didn't really care about anything he thought or felt. I was trying to navigate the best course for my son and I. He was an unpleasant afterthought. Go at whatever speed suits you. If you need time to think, take it. If you want your marriage to end tomorrow, then do that.

You seem like a kind and caring person. You didn't deserve what she did to you. Whatever you decide, don't for a moment take the blame. She chose to do what she did. Even if she believed she was justified, cheating is NEVER the answer. She could have divorced you. She didn't. 

The pain will fade over time. It just really sucks right now. Focus on yourself, and your daughter, and you will get through this. I wish you well. 

[pepperbird]

op,

it can be really helpful to talk trough your problems like you're doing here. but in the end, you're the one who has to live with them. Gather as much information as you can about the various options open to you- just doing that can help you feel like you have some sort of control over your life and you'll be bale to make informed decisions.

 

Something you'll need to explore is whether or not you feel you can ever trust her again. I don't just mean with respect to infidelity. Will you be able to trust that she's being honest with you, that she's being open with you if she has a problem or is unhappy? In your heart of hearts, do you feel you can ever really forgive her?
There's no right or wrong answers to those questions, and only you can answer them. I can only speak from my own experience- my husband had an affair more than 10 years ago. It was very short, and he confessed to me. We stayed together, and have been married almost 23 years now. It took a lot of work on both our parts, including therapy. Also, we had to be apart for almost a year not long after he confessed, so we both had a lot of time on our own to really think it all through.