Found Out Wife Is Cheating :

[RyanBD]

Thanks everyone again for keeping up with the advice and support, it means a lot. I'll be back soon with an update...

Just a Guy, in regards to this:

On 5/1/2020 at 5:44 AM, Just a Guy said:

 

Firstly, I would like to ask you whether your relationship with your wife was good or Luke warm during the period of her affair? Did she ever appear cold towards you and did she ever reject you in any way, including sexually? Secondly, did you ever find her behaviour abnormal in any way at any time in previous years? How long have you been actually married to her? From what I gather, you two have been in a committed relationship for 17 years. Did you or your wife have any relationships before the two of you got together? Also, if I may ask, are both of your libidos matched or does your wife have a higher or lower libido than you? This may seem intrusive but it is not meant to be. It will only provide a better insight into what possibly went wrong. 

 

I appreciate you asking some tough questions. It's stuff that is hard to talk about or even think about but I do think it's important for me to analyze this kind of stuff and talking about it might be helpful in that regard. I'm not sure if this thread is the place to do that, but if there's some other way we + others can talk about it, I'd be open.

[usa1ah]

The thing that went wrong is that OP’s wife opened the marriage up without informing him. Who really know if this was the first or one of many partners she has had since the start of their relationship. No one knows but his wife. She was just to damn good at covering her tracts. Op was lucky to have gotten anything with her deleting everything as soon as she could. 
 

I don’t believe this was the first. If that is the case, is your daughter biologically yours OP?

[usa1ah]

Not saying your daughter isn’t yours but with your wife’s actions it is a possibility. Your really need to do a dna test to see. 
 

One for your own peace of mind. The second to drive home to your WW the impact this has had on your relationship with her and trust in her ability to be truthful. 

[RyanBD]

15 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

The thing that went wrong is that OP’s wife opened the marriage up without informing him. Who really know if this was the first or one of many partners she has had since the start of their relationship. No one knows but his wife. She was just to damn good at covering her tracts. Op was lucky to have gotten anything with her deleting everything as soon as she could. 
 

I don’t believe this was the first. If that is the case, is your daughter biologically yours OP?

Ouch...luckily she looks exactly like me so we are all good there

[usa1ah]

3 hours ago, RyanBD said:

Ouch...luckily she looks exactly like me so we are all good there

The only reason I bring it up is because it has happened. The kids in a family did the 23 and me. They got the results and found out that out of the three of them, only the youngest one was biologically their fathers. Their mom had an affair with the neighbor years ago and he was the father of the oldest two. Turned the dad’s life to hell. 
 

There are so many other examples I can give. 
 

I still suggest doing the test. You can get one at the local CVS or Walgreens. If for no other reason then to show how you wife has damage the relationship. She needs to see examples of the harm she has cause to really understand it. 

Edited May 3, 2020 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

Really glad she looks like you. 
 

 

[Marc878]

You’ve been handed a situation you didn’t deserve but you will need to tackle it.

Upfront a lot just want them back but long term many have buyers remorse. Infidelity is a lifelong gift. It may dissipate but never fully go away. Plus trust once broken probably can’t be totally restored. Reflect back. Was there prior behavior that you overlooked or ingnored?

i would not jump into marriage counciling or offer R unofront. The marriage isn’t broken but she is. Plus marriage counciling can be a nightmare. Getting a decent in is probably less than 50/50. If you do and they start the big rugsweep or try and blame you got her affair, walk out.

Your marriage might not have been perfect but she Willingly chose to cheat. It’s never a mistake. That’s 100% on her. I’m sure she’s not perfect either. Did that cause you to cheat?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ryan, I agree that the questions I posed to you are sensitive and difficult for you to discuss on an open forum like this one. I would suggest that you write a letter to your self and examine each question there, taking your time to dwell on them and then think out your answers as honestly as you can. If you do this it will help you to focus on each aspect of your relationship and things which may have caused you some concern but which were nebulous and not clearly defined will spring into focus and be sharply defined. This will help you form an unbiased opinion about your situation and help you make fruitful decisions regarding your future and the future of your family.

As I said in my previous post, I do not think your wife treated this as something serious. Rather, this was something she enjoyed on the side as a naughty and exciting add on to her solid relationship with you. I am almost sure that she was not prepared to sacrifice her marriage and family on the alter of such an absurd affair which, apart from some testosterone fired sex with a young stud amounted to nothing much. Of course that does not make it right or pardonable. She will have to shoulder the consequences. You will have to take a call on how far you are willing to go with this and whether you want yo reconcile or divorce. Others here van give you arguments for either course of action but as they say, You have to get out of infidelity and that is possible with either of those routes. Best wishes.

[Buffer]

How are you doing?
I hope WW is showing true remorse and not just remorse that she got caught.

It would be very strained being in a small apartment but, WW should be social distancing since DD in your apartment for two weeks whilst  waiting to she see if the teen lover has exposed her to Covid, then she needs to show you the result for her STD and STI checks.

Have you been able to seek legal advice to know your rights as well as her responsibilities? Lots of questions I know. But take your time in this. You need to get all information before you make the call, does WW want R? I know she stated it was over when you confronted.

One day at a time. Strength to you and respect ✊ 

Buffer

[pepperbird]

21 hours ago, RyanBD said:

Ouch...luckily she looks exactly like me so we are all good there

yeah, I look just like my brother. We are both adopted and in no way related.

[Robert2016]

l"m sorry you're here.  There is nothing you could have said or done to prevent her from cheating.  Her decision to cheat is 100% on her.

All of us have personal issues, disappointments, unmet needs etc – but she chose to cheat vs other options.  She needs to dig deep and fix what is broken inside her that would allow her to betray you (as well as herself).  Fixing herself is a process that will take years not days or weeks.  Otherwise, she’ll cheat again.

Do not grant her the gift of a second chance immediately.  Take your time (I’m talking months) to decide whether to D or R.  In the interim, she needs to believe you’re serious ready to divorce her (bluff if necessary), observe her actions (not promises) to rebuild trust and to make herself a safe partner.

Experience shows it takes two-five years to process infidelity in a marriage. If you're lucky, you will be able to forgive, but you won't forget.

What can your wife do now:

 1) a written plan on how to rebuild your relationship including the steps she will take to make you feel loved. 

2) documenting the ways she will make you feel safe in the relationship

3) telling the truth on if she misses the AP, whether she enjoyed being with him more than you, if she still thinks he is a good guy and desires to be with him. If she can’t convince you that she feels none of these things for him then you might as well move on.

4) make you feel desired. If it were me I would tell her she needs to initiate new intimacy with you in ways she did NOT have with him. She needs to be creative and also make you feel like you’re the only man she’d want to do these things with; and that she’s comfortable sharing them with you and only you for the rest of her life.

5) I’d want letters. Lots of them. Describing what you staying means to her. Describing how you must have felt when you learned she was cheating.  Why she loves you.  Why (other than love) she wants to be with you vs the OM.  What she wants for your future together.  I’d ask for a letter every two days. If she wants you in her life she’d do it.

6) I'd actually want to be flirted with. As if she courting me for the first time. Your  old marriage is dead (she killed it) so if she wants a new one she needs to show that desire.

7) provide  a timeline of her affair showing when, where, what happened, what she was thinking during and afterward when she came home  (subject to a polygraph).  A timeline is for her benefit and assists her in fixing herself.  It reduces her romantic tryst into a selfish deceitful act of betrayal.  It also provides you with ‘what’ you are forgiving.

8} finally, there's excellent books on 'how to help your spouse heal from your affair' (just google it). She should read at least 3 of them within the next week.

 

[usa1ah]

How is it going Ryan?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ryan, how are things with you? Have you addressed your wife's infidelity with her in more detail? If so how do you propose to move forward. 

I do hope that you have been taking care of yourself and have not succumbed to depression or taken to alleviating your pain and distress by drinking or using drugs and such like. Most folk advise exercise and eating at regular intervals and maintain a healthy diet. Keep the folks on here informed of your situation and you will receive a lot of helpful advice. Warm wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ryan, it's been sometime since you last posted. Any new developments? I hope you ate doing well and are not down in the dumps. As the saying goes " No news is good news" until it isn't which is why it can be worrying for folks not to hear from you.

Do give us a heads up do that we know all is well at your end! Thanks.

[Fletch Lives]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You have to decide if you two want to work it out, or divorce. 

She said she'll never do it again, good. Maybe you have a shot at rebuilding your marriage, if that's what you want to do.

Why is she cheating? Does she lack integrity? Or is it revenge cheating, because she is falling out of love with you? I would strongly recommend counseling if you want to stay together.

If she will stop.......some couples can stay together, others can't - you'll just have to find out. If you do decide to stay, it will be rough, perhaps for year. Good luck to you.

[Robert2016]

How are you doing? 

I suggest a DNA test because it drives home the extent to which your wife has completely destroyed your trust in her. 

Since you're quarantined, I suggest you inform her that your initial preliminary reaction is to divorce.  However, you want to give yourself time to calm down before you make a final decision. It may be 3 -  6 months (or more...whatever time you need under the circumstances).  In the interim she has an opportunity to earn a second chance.  Saving her marriage is entirely up to her. Your job is to observe (and heal from her betrayal).

What has she done so far to fix herself and prove she can be trustworthy going forward? 

Has she love bombed you?  It's common (when an affair is exposed) for the couple to engage in what is called:  hysterical bonding.   Just a note:  at some point that ends and you're be in for a big emotional let down.

 

 

 

 

 

[Simply Janet]

So sorry for what you are going through... Is there an update 

[Just a Guy]

Ho Folks, I get the impression that the OP has resolved this matter between his wife and himself. Having done so he probably feels that he has no further need to return to the forum to update the folks here as the resolution of the matter and the manner in which it was arrived at is no concern of anyone else but the two of them. That seems to be the only logical reason for the silence of the OP. Just my opinion. Warm wishes.

[Honest_Interest]

It seems to be a very common theme on this site... people never update or finish they're stories .... leaving everyone hanging for a conclusion🤔 

[Gumbeaux41]

I have been on both sides, i found out wife was cheating in 2004. I caught her and taped their conversation and confronted her. She admitted the affair and we called him rt then. I know they probably talked after but it stopped.i had 2 small kids and wanted to save my marriage for them which I did. Im nor going to lie it was really tough. 

Fast forward to 1.5 years ago I started having an affair. I do not suggest that at ALL. I think stopping an affair is almost as hard or harder than finding out she cheated on me. I really have to give it to my wife for stopping, because it is like a drug. 

However looking back I wish I would have made a change then and found someone then. Sad to say but we are still having the same issues now that we had back then. Nothing is any different except we are older. 

Think long and hard about what you want and follow your gut.