How do I move on?

[brooks468]

I dumped my ex boyfriend and almost immediately regretted it, I told him how I felt and that I was willing to work on it and i'd made the biggest mistake of my life, ended up begging and I pushed him away and now we're on really bad terms. A lot of things pushed me towards ending the relationship such as lying about not being able to see me because of important work and then he'd end up out with friends, changing date night plans so he could go out with friends, just a lot of lying in general but about small things. He'd also threatened to leave me a week before I ended the relationship. But it was the first time i'd felt real love and someone genuinely caring about me, I adored him and I know he adored me, we made promises to be with each other forever and that this was finally it, everything we'd both been looking for. He called me special so many times and that he'd never felt this way about anyone, but I know I broke the promise by leaving him and now we've had no contact i'm beginning to think I did the right thing, but my mind keeps making me doubt it.

The lesson from all of this was to obviously think more about ending a relationship and hurting someone before I actually do it, but he left so easily and moved on almost instantly. I guess i'm just left feeling like I lost the best thing i'm ever going to have, I've never been treated this way by anyone and I truly adored him. I can't stop thinking about all the good memories we had and the way I felt when I was with him, and all the things he said about me and us and the future. I know it's my fault its over, but I feel like i'm never going to find something like this again and it hurts that hes moving on and i'm still holding on and obsessing over everything, my self esteem and confidence is at an all time low and I don't know how to stop doubting my decision in the first place. I've had a lot of awful relationships in the past and he truly was such a lovely caring person and he made me so happy so i'm annoyed I messed it up. 

I also just want to add that we were good friends for an entire year before we dated. He begged for an entire year to be with me, and I gave in and he felt like my best friend but so many things just pushed me to end it but now I've lost a really good friend too. 

Edited April 27, 2020 by brooks468

[stillafool]

When was the breakup?  How long ago?

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, brooks468 said:

I dumped my ex boyfriend and almost immediately regretted it, I told him how I felt and that I was willing to work on it and i'd made the biggest mistake of my life, ended up begging and I pushed him away and now we're on really bad terms. A lot of things pushed me towards ending the relationship such as lying about not being able to see me because of important work and then he'd end up out with friends, changing date night plans so he could go out with friends, just a lot of lying in general but about small things. He'd also threatened to leave me a week before I ended the relationship. But it was the first time i'd felt real love and someone genuinely caring about me, I adored him and I know he adored me, we made promises to be with each other forever and that this was finally it, everything we'd both been looking for. He called me special so many times and that he'd never felt this way about anyone, but I know I broke the promise by leaving him and now we've had no contact i'm beginning to think I did the right thing, but my mind keeps making me doubt it.

OP,  re-read the bolded. Do you see how contradictory your own words are?

A guy who lies to you to avoid seeing you doesn't adore you and care for you the way you hoped. It sounds like you were hoping that breaking up with him would make him chase you, but it backfired because it  he had already lost interest in you. Now you're back-pedaling and minimizing his poor behaviour. 

Did you really feel loved and adored when you found out he lied so he could see his buddies instead of you? Did you feel cared for when he canceled dates in favour of hanging out with his friends? Do truly believe a guy who dodges you is the best you can do?

What I'm gathering is that you're hanging on to the memories before things fizzled out, and overlooking the signs that he was already on his way out the door. Why did he threaten to you leave you  week before you ended it?

[Beachead]

@brooks468

I'm sorry for your pain.  

To help yourself move on is going to require 2 things:  

Firstly, you have to reinforce the negatives about him and what events led to the breakup.

Quote

A lot of things pushed me towards ending the relationship such as lying about not being able to see me because of important work and then he'd end up out with friends, changing date night plans so he could go out with friends, just a lot of lying in general but about small things. He'd also threatened to leave me a week before I ended the relationship.

Reinforce this and continue to build on it, through writing.  Your fears are skewing your perception and making you look back at your relationship favourably, when in fact it wasn't all that great.  His behaviour was affecting you to the point where you felt like you needed to end it.  You grieve the guy you wanted him to be..the guy you wished for him to be...but that's not who he was.  He was THIS guy doing THESE things.  Acknowledge your reality, not the fantasy.

When a person is invested in you and a future, they want to realize that future with you.   So their choices and their actions are congruent with that desire to realize that future.  They wouldn't do things to jeopardize the relationship.  If they do, they'd work hard to correct it.  If he had problems with you, he would have talked it out with you.  He would have acknowledged his bad behaviour that was contributing to the problems in the relationship and worked on fixing it.  A healthy relationship has forward momentum.Your ex wasn't interested in solutions.  He was interested in creating distance, which you can see in his actions where he chose his friends and everything over you.  He had one-foot out the door, and essentially put you in a position where you had to prioritize your well-being and self-respect over the relationship.  Lying is not cool and it's a sign there were already serious problems in the relationship.   If there weren't any problems, you wouldn't have arrived to a state of mind, where you wanted to end it. 

The second, thing you'll need to do is start believing in yourself.  Read your quote below:

Quote

But it was the first time i'd felt real love and someone genuinely caring about me, I adored him and I know he adored me, we made promises to be with each other forever and that this was finally it, everything we'd both been looking for. He called me special so many times and that he'd never felt this way about anyone, but I know I broke the promise by leaving him and now we've had no contact..I guess i'm just left feeling like I lost the best thing i'm ever going to have, I've never been treated this way by anyone and I truly adored him. I can't stop thinking about all the good memories we had and the way I felt when I was with him, and all the things he said about me and us and the future.   I feel like i'm never going to find something like this again and it hurts that hes moving on and i'm still holding on and obsessing over everything, my self esteem and confidence is at an all time low and I don't know how to stop doubting my decision in the first place. I've had a lot of awful relationships in the past and he truly was such a lovely caring person and he made me so happy so i'm annoyed I messed it up. 

This is straight fear which has more to do with you than him.  Its why you're doubting yourself, feeling guilt and backtracking.  You're scared that you won't find a healthier relationship with someone more suitable for you, so you run back to something that wasn't all that great, and convince yourself that it was.  You don't think others will value what you bring to the table.  Perhaps, you may not even know what you bring to the table.  That also goes and in hand with not loving yourself enough.  Not investing in your spiritual/mental well-being.  People can in your life 24/7 and tell you sweet things all the time..but you're going to eventually find, that it's never enough, because the wounds are inside you and only you can heal them.

You do have value.  You do have qualities to offer.  You are lovable.  You've just got your eyes focused in the wrong direction.   You need to begin listing out qualities about yourself in writing, that you are proud of.   Think about all the things you've accomplished in your life.  All the adversity you've faced.  All the knowledge, wisdom and experience you've gained from it all.  Think about the people who are presently in your life who care for you; friends, family.  Maybe non personal contacts like coworkers and acquaintances.    Think about the ones you've helped.  Maybe you've cheered them up.  Given them advice.  When you start to work through that, you'll start seeing your value and your worth.

Getting over people, is more internal work than anything. 

The rest goes to time.

Quote

 I know it's my fault its over,

Its nobody's fault.  Its just what is.  He did what he did and felt how he felt and so did you.  When you add it all up, your relationship amounted to incompatibility.  That doesn't mean its your fault.   There are external factors that affect why people decide what they do; his social life, his family, his childhood, the struggles he's gone through such as his past relationships and more.  All this affects his choices which bleeds into his behaviour and his actions which affects how he behaves in a relationship.  So..you could have give 150% to a relationship and the relationship still might fail because of all those other factors.  Getting someone to stick with you is not all up to you.  Your ego makes you feel like it is but it isn't.  His decisions and his behaviour is a lot more about him. 

Go easy on yourself.  Its not your fault.

- Beaach

 

Edited April 27, 2020 by Beachead

[Calmandfocused]

@Beachead. 
 

excellent post! 

[scooby-philly]

On 4/27/2020 at 5:41 PM, Beachead said:

@brooks468

I'm sorry for your pain.  

To help yourself move on is going to require 2 things:  

Firstly, you have to reinforce the negatives about him and what events led to the breakup.

Reinforce this and continue to build on it, through writing.  Your fears are skewing your perception and making you look back at your relationship favourably, when in fact it wasn't all that great.  His behaviour was affecting you to the point where you felt like you needed to end it.  You grieve the guy you wanted him to be..the guy you wished for him to be...but that's not who he was.  He was THIS guy doing THESE things.  Acknowledge your reality, not the fantasy.

When a person is invested in you and a future, they want to realize that future with you.   So their choices and their actions are congruent with that desire to realize that future.  They wouldn't do things to jeopardize the relationship.  If they do, they'd work hard to correct it.  If he had problems with you, he would have talked it out with you.  He would have acknowledged his bad behaviour that was contributing to the problems in the relationship and worked on fixing it.  A healthy relationship has forward momentum.Your ex wasn't interested in solutions.  He was interested in creating distance, which you can see in his actions where he chose his friends and everything over you.  He had one-foot out the door, and essentially put you in a position where you had to prioritize your well-being and self-respect over the relationship.  Lying is not cool and it's a sign there were already serious problems in the relationship.   If there weren't any problems, you wouldn't have arrived to a state of mind, where you wanted to end it. 

The second, thing you'll need to do is start believing in yourself.  Read your quote below:

This is straight fear which has more to do with you than him.  Its why you're doubting yourself, feeling guilt and backtracking.  You're scared that you won't find a healthier relationship with someone more suitable for you, so you run back to something that wasn't all that great, and convince yourself that it was.  You don't think others will value what you bring to the table.  Perhaps, you may not even know what you bring to the table.  That also goes and in hand with not loving yourself enough.  Not investing in your spiritual/mental well-being.  People can in your life 24/7 and tell you sweet things all the time..but you're going to eventually find, that it's never enough, because the wounds are inside you and only you can heal them.

You do have value.  You do have qualities to offer.  You are lovable.  You've just got your eyes focused in the wrong direction.   You need to begin listing out qualities about yourself in writing, that you are proud of.   Think about all the things you've accomplished in your life.  All the adversity you've faced.  All the knowledge, wisdom and experience you've gained from it all.  Think about the people who are presently in your life who care for you; friends, family.  Maybe non personal contacts like coworkers and acquaintances.    Think about the ones you've helped.  Maybe you've cheered them up.  Given them advice.  When you start to work through that, you'll start seeing your value and your worth.

Getting over people, is more internal work than anything. 

The rest goes to time.

Its nobody's fault.  Its just what is.  He did what he did and felt how he felt and so did you.  When you add it all up, your relationship amounted to incompatibility.  That doesn't mean its your fault.   There are external factors that affect why people decide what they do; his social life, his family, his childhood, the struggles he's gone through such as his past relationships and more.  All this affects his choices which bleeds into his behaviour and his actions which affects how he behaves in a relationship.  So..you could have give 150% to a relationship and the relationship still might fail because of all those other factors.  Getting someone to stick with you is not all up to you.  Your ego makes you feel like it is but it isn't.  His decisions and his behaviour is a lot more about him. 

Go easy on yourself.  Its not your fault.

- Beaach

 

OP - Beachead is 100% right (and is always 100% right!!!). To understand things more - trying exploring attachment styles. It sounds like your ex has a very clear avoidant attachment style. That would explain a lot about his actions and his inability to work on things. It doesn't excuse his behavior nor make your pain or second guessing any easier. It will help you 12, 24, 36 months from now put the final stitch in to close off the wound, but means next to nothing for now.

And a final point because Beachead said everything else their is to say to you - love yourself first. And forgive yourself. We can only be the best person we're capable of at any given time. If you gave your best (not meaining the best every second or every interaction, but it you "gave it your all" in total over the course of the relationship)...you cannot beat yourself up. We all make mistakes and we all say/do things contrary to what our hearts truly want. Only time will heal this wound, but love yourself and forgive yourself will help make it easier and shorten the recovery time as well as preparing you for a better relationship.

[scooby-philly]

On 4/27/2020 at 3:04 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

OP,  re-read the bolded. Do you see how contradictory your own words are?

A guy who lies to you to avoid seeing you doesn't adore you and care for you the way you hoped. It sounds like you were hoping that breaking up with him would make him chase you, but it backfired because it  he had already lost interest in you. Now you're back-pedaling and minimizing his poor behaviour. 

Did you really feel loved and adored when you found out he lied so he could see his buddies instead of you? Did you feel cared for when he canceled dates in favour of hanging out with his friends? Do truly believe a guy who dodges you is the best you can do?

What I'm gathering is that you're hanging on to the memories before things fizzled out, and overlooking the signs that he was already on his way out the door. Why did he threaten to you leave you  week before you ended it?

And to add one more thing - Expat has a valid point here. You were probably not in touch and owning your feelings when he was doing these things. That's a self-esteem issue that you can address and work on moving forward. That ability to discount all the "bad thing" someone does to you in a relationship and still feel like they love you means you weren't prioritizing your needs/wants.