Tired of Not Being Respected

[SunnyDaze428]

My husband says the most off the wall things to me, not sure if he is trying to piss me off, provoke jealousy or what but I have now resorted to firing back with crude comments and he gets butt hurt.  For instance, he mentioned one time in his younger life threatening to beat up a guy for harassing his room mate (a female).  He said "This guy walked buy and asked how the little split tail was doing and I beat him up".   Who tells their wife these things?  He also mentioned a guy friend of his who had several other friends who all "F***ed her in the ass".     Ok, I'm no prude but I had to look up what "split tail" was. 

I am talked to like I'm a guy pal, not a wife.   Today I was riding his stationary bike and I said "I kind of like your stationary bike better than walking, I really feel it in my legs".   My husband says "Yea, it's great for the brazilian butt lift".    I was like "How do you even know what a brazillian butt lift is?  Maybe it's good for a brazilian dick enlargement too?".   

I'm tired of being talked to like a male roommate.  So I'm spewing crude remarks back at him and he gets upset and goes and sulks. 

We have been married 3 years, we have a nonexistent sex life so maybe I'm just sick of being nothing more than a damn room mate and being treated and talked to like I'm one of the guys.  So I'm spewing remarks back at him to hurt him and he can't take it.  

During our marriage I have asked him a million times to respect me and not talk to me like I'm one of the guys.  Other than saying crude hurtful things back to him to hit him below the belt, I don't know how to get him to stop talking to me like this.

 

 

[FMW]

My ex-husband started treating me like one of the guys about 10 years into our marriage.  Looking back I see that it was the beginning of the end for us.  It was a clear sign that he no longer had the "right" kind of feelings for me.  We were roommates and economic partners, but there was no romance.  We also had a non-existent sex life by that time.  

You need to figure out why he's doing that and also why you're not having sex.  Were things different before you were married or earlier in your marriage?

If you both are willing, maybe try counseling if you're not able to talk productively about issues one on one.    

[preraph]

Doesn't sound like a marriage that is going to last.  He's getting this stuff off porn, probably.  I don't know why he'd be hurt.  He's the one starting it.  I guess he wants it to be a one-way thing.  Oh, well.  Sounds like you should get out pretty soon, huh?

[mark clemson]

Possibly all this guy talk is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that he's not happy about the no-sex part either.

Of course, if that's true, he's going about "fixing" things in completely the wrong way. But perhaps he can't figure out better.

How about proposing some sincere heart-to-heart together about what's going on in your marriage, how to improve the sex life, how to reduce negative communications, etc?

We tend to assume spouse can read our minds after a while. It's a faulty assumption and, depending on how good or bad other things are going, can lead to all sorts of problems.

Suggest you take a step back and a deep breath. Patiently communicate directly with him. The responding back "in kind" is indirect communication IMO. Tell him you need some hearts, flowers, romantic treatment (or whatever it is you need from him) so he understands. Listen to whatever he says, and particularly where his head's at and what he seems to need from you.

If he just won't participate or take you seriously and/or the status quo continues, then perhaps that's on him and/or maybe he's done? Dunno.

Edited April 27, 2020 by mark clemson

[SunnyDaze428]

I am not the one withholding sex, he cant perform, blames it on a tiny pituitary tumor.  He has a small penis ED problems, no desire to please me. He takes care of me financially, thats it.

[stillafool]

Well if him taking care of you financially is all you're getting from your marriage you need to divorce.  Maybe he feels like he's only there to pay the bills and he's taking his resentment out on you.  You both sound unhappy.

[SunnyDaze428]

He doesnt want me to work, he said he prefers me to be home and he pay all the bills. I worked but he wanted me to quit to be home with him. I think he just wants a maid and cook. Everytime I say I want out and I hate being in a sexless marriage and treated like a room mate, he wants to go to counseling and begs me to stay, nothing changes. He says he loves me but wouldnt someone who loved me want to please me sexually at least every now and then? He does nothing. 

[mark clemson]

I see. Well, being sexually mismatched IS often a significant problem. You will need to decide whether you can (or want to) stay in this. It's too bad the usual meds don't work for his ED?

Perhaps his interest in being a provider is his way of compensating for the sexuality aspect. Plenty of men seem to like that without having any problems in the sex area though, so dunno.

If you are interested in talking about solutions with him, by all means, but it sounds like you've tried that. Maybe try the MC if you're interested in keeping the marriage, as sometimes it helps to have a referee.

It's weird that he "talks a game" with you with his problems. Maybe he's trying to make light of it? At any rate, it doesn't sound like you're at all happy unfortunately. If I saw a good solution other than to try the MC, I'd suggest one; honestly I don't.

Edited April 28, 2020 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

You should go back to work and gain your independence.  He might start treating you better if he knows you can make it on your own.  If not, you will be financially able to take care of yourself.  How can he please you sexually with his small penis and ED problem?

[basil67]

What was he like when you married him?

[SunnyDaze428]

When we were dating he was very affectionate and used Viagra sometimes which worked a little. He seemed very into sex and said he wanted a passionate relationship. His previous girlfriend only wanted to be friends so he pursued other women and we met. He attempted penis injections but I never saw him actually use the injection. He claims nothing works. Ive even asked him if he is gay and prefers men since he talks to me like a guy pal and never wants sex with me. I sometimes seriously wonder....

He hugs me and we hold hands, thats it. 

Edited April 28, 2020 by CrownJules
Added additional info to respond.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, CrownJules said:

I am not the one withholding sex, he cant perform, blames it on a tiny pituitary tumor.  He has a small penis ED problems, no desire to please me. He takes care of me financially, thats it.

That pretty much confirms the state of your marriage. You are not a “wife” to him anymore - not your fault, just a statement about where he is at in his life/relationship. He’s lost respect for you, he doesn’t respect your feeling the way he once may have, and the sex has dried up... it’s not a good thing. That, and he sounds like a total jerk. Sorry. You really can’t force another individual to treat you with respect. Either they see the value in doing so, or they don’t. And if he doesn’t, the only think he may respect is if you walk out the door and don’t come back. That may get his attention, or maybe not. Either way, you have your answer.

[preraph]

It's entirely possible that he is gay and either doesn't want to admit it to himself or is afraid of someone's reaction to it such as his parents. It does sound like you are just his cook and maid.

 

Even if he was willing to sexually service you once in awhile, I can't imagine you would enjoy it knowing that he doesn't really want to. You can take care of your own sexual needs. but if you need someone who's affectionate and the whole package, you're going to have to leave him. 

[SunnyDaze428]

Thank you all who responded.  I am going to return to work as soon as I can, for my sanity and independence.  I have money to leave him, I just want to hold on to my savings, easier to have a job and steady income rolling in than spend all of that starting over.  I just can't keep living with someone who is more like a brother than a husband.  I appreciate all the advice and comments. 

[preraph]

You're doing it the smart way. Especially with what's going on right now. You want to be prepared and not struggling. 

 

You know, if he really isn't interested in sex then I don't see why he would have a problem with being a friend afterwards if you decided you wanted that although the way he's acting you may have had enough of that. And also being friends would probably run some new men off. But it's just something to realize that if you really thought it was important you could still have some sort of contact with him maybe.

[SunnyDaze428]

Im tired of being friends with him, been doing it for 3 years.  I would have zero desire to stay in touch.  My goal would be to move on and focus on myself.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, CrownJules said:

 he wants to go to counseling and begs me to stay, nothing changes.

Have you followed through with counselling?

Do you want to try to work on things, or do you feel you're already past the point of no return?

[SunnyDaze428]

We tried counseling twice. Both times we saw male counselors (because he felt men would understand him). I didnt care I just felt we needed help.Both times were a bust, he never followed thru on their suggestions, would say he couldnt remember what they talked tobus about, etc.

[preraph]

He has no intentions of trying to fix it. 

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, CrownJules said:

He attempted penis injections but I never saw him actually use the injection. He claims nothing works. Ive even asked him if he is gay and prefers men since he talks to me like a guy pal and never wants sex with me.

It sounds like he's incapable of having sex so that is the reason he isn't having sex with you.   If you are desperate for sex it doesn't seem like he is able to do it anymore.

[SunnyDaze428]

The problem is he was physical and able to perform somewhat while we were dating. I saw no signs of impotence, he took viagra and it worked most of the time. It all stopped almost immediately after we got married.  I would have never married him if I knew our marriage would be sexless and I would be treated like a roommate. Talking to me like Im a guy friend has just made me repulsed and fed up. I got conned into this mess.

[FMW]

I think you need to dig deeper into the issue of how he treats you.  My ex-husband told me, after we were divorced, that I had not been affectionate enough with him, I didn't enjoy holding hands or cuddling with him, etc. and so not only did he then lose interest in having sex with me but he started treating me like a guy friend to the point of being a little mean in his "humorous" remarks.  

I'm not saying this is your fault - I'm just suggesting there may be thoughts in his head you have absolutely no idea about that could explain what's going on.  

[SunnyDaze428]

I always initiate affection, I crave it, I miss sex.  I offer to give him back rubs, he says no. He cringes when I touch him. I am always wanting to touch, kiss, tell him he is handsome, I asked if we could simply have cuddle sessions since he cant do it.  He always seems like me touching him is painful.  Its not me, Ive given this marriage my all. He has some bizarre underlying issue, whether he relied on porn his whole life and cant perform with a real woman or he is gay.  He is a big guy with a small penis, maybe he has just been embarrassed to have sex.  He did once say he was attracted to unattainable women, maybe because they dont get close and want real sex, easier to hide behind his computer and be a mystery and have women want him yet keep it all fantasy.  I dont think he actually had physical relationships they were all emotional.  Because he spends money on me and takes care of me financially, he says that I should be happy with that. Then talks to me like Im a guy and says disrespectful things ... something is wrong with him and Im extremely unhappy.

[preraph]

Well, porn addiction might have spoiled him for real sex, but I'd be looking to see if he is watching female porn or male porn and that will answer that question about if he's gay.  Anyway, he's not willing to make it work, so....why even bother.

[thecrucible]

One of my exes had a porn addiction and ED (probably due to taking steroids). It basically ruined the relationship.I asked him why we didn't have sex and he said "I respect you too much to have sex with you". It's like he put me in another box in his head and he had some sexual hang-ups I didn't understand. We never got over it and we broke up. I wonder if your man has similar hang-ups to my ex? Like you said, he's attracted to unattainable women but not the woman in front of him. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.