Tired of Not Being Respected

[NeverDoneLearning]

16 hours ago, stillafool said:

You should go back to work and gain your independence.  He might start treating you better if he knows you can make it on your own.  If not, you will be financially able to take care of yourself.  How can he please you sexually with his small penis and ED problem?

Enjoying sexual experiences is not limited to the penis.  Although everyone's different you can still give a sexual, intimate, and satisfactory experience with out a big penis. Unless I'm missing something, this guy doesn't get a free pass because he has a small penis. Heck, even if he didn't have one at all. 

[SunnyDaze428]

When we were first dtaing he said he didnt look at porn, he felt it was degrading to women. After we were married I found porn hidden in a file on his computer and he denied it, said his friend downloaded it one time when he was at his house years ago. I discovered Pornhub in his search history after that. He cant have sex but secretly jacks off to porn.  Why did he want to marry me other than to have a damn roommate. I was conned.

[NeverDoneLearning]

36 minutes ago, CrownJules said:

When we were first dtaing he said he didnt look at porn, he felt it was degrading to women. After we were married I found porn hidden in a file on his computer and he denied it, said his friend downloaded it one time when he was at his house years ago. I discovered Pornhub in his search history after that. He cant have sex but secretly jacks off to porn.  Why did he want to marry me other than to have a damn roommate. I was conned.

I've been in that situation almost exactly.  The porn itself, while at the time felt like the culprit, was hardly the issue for me although I didn't appreciate it. The issue was we were never having sex and so when I found out he was relieving himself to porn while I'm throwing myself into our relationship and trying to work on our intimacy issue with him was VERY hurtful. I felt similar to being cheated on. It was selfish and inconsiderate and immature. All things I never felt about him before that point.

Stepping outside of the emotional reactions and feelings for just a moment though, My partner at the time had personal emotional issues around sex and intimacy. I believe that porn, while totally unfair to me, felt safer to him in whatever capacity. from what I'm gathering as far as the things your partner has "bragged" about as far as protecting the "split tail" *gross* demonstrates a need to feel important or to prove ones self and almost definitely comes from being insecure. And if we have learned anything about men the majority place a strong importance on what kind of heat they're packing. I've personally never been with a partner who didn't at least mention it. But again I maintain that size or even functionality has very little to do with fulfilling a partners emotional or physical sexual needs. While I can understand the low self esteem that can result from it mentally. And to an extent that deserves support but support only goes so far and only last so long with someone who just chooses to feel sorry for themselves or results to a crutch (porn). Also, your support should not come at your own expense. I've learned that one the hard way too many times.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, CrownJules said:

When we were first dtaing he said he didnt look at porn, he felt it was degrading to women. After we were married I found porn hidden in a file on his computer and he denied it, said his friend downloaded it one time when he was at his house years ago. I discovered Pornhub in his search history after that. He cant have sex but secretly jacks off to porn.  Why did he want to marry me other than to have a damn roommate. I was conned.

Oh so he isn't impotent.  He just doesn't want to have sex with you.  What does he say when you ask him for it?

[stillafool]

21 hours ago, CrownJules said:

 

4 hours ago, NeverDoneLearning said:

Enjoying sexual experiences is not limited to the penis.  Although everyone's different you can still give a sexual, intimate, and satisfactory experience with out a big penis. Unless I'm missing something, this guy doesn't get a free pass because he has a small penis. Heck, even if he didn't have one at all. 

He has a small penis ED problems, no desire to please me.

Tell this to OP she is the one who complained about his penis being small.  I know enjoying sex isn't limited to the penis but to many women it is THE major player.

[NeverDoneLearning]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Tell this to OP she is the one who complained about his penis being small.  I know enjoying sex isn't limited to the penis but to many women it is THE major player.

My understanding is she says he excuses it/blames it on a small pituitary growth.While I did see that the size was mentioned, I don't see that as complaining about his penis size. Add to that his use of porn and you get someone who is making excuses for not having sex with his partner. although I don't know for sure, I can't imagine he's watching porn for the production value, award winning actors, and intricate plot while he sits there flaccid.

I don't disagree with you that using a penis for its traditional sexual functions is ideal, all I'm suggesting is that if that size/impotence is indeed the problem (which I'm not convinced it is in the case) that there are ways to learn to please and to be pleased by your partner. Sexual performance can be affected by so many regular and common life situations. Stress, grief, medications, illnesses and just plain old life in general are all real and very common things for anyone to come into contact with in their relationships. I know I've experienced it myself as well as from my partner in past relationships and sure it's frustrating and a bit embarrassing at times but making excuses and turning your partner away is a much deeper issue.

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, NeverDoneLearning said:

My understanding is she says he excuses it/blames it on a small pituitary growth.While I did see that the size was mentioned, I don't see that as complaining about his penis size. Add to that his use of porn and you get someone who is making excuses for not having sex with his partner. although I don't know for sure, I can't imagine he's watching porn for the production value, award winning actors, and intricate plot while he sits there flaccid.

I don't disagree with you that using a penis for its traditional sexual functions is ideal, all I'm suggesting is that if that size/impotence is indeed the problem (which I'm not convinced it is in the case) that there are ways to learn to please and to be pleased by your partner. Sexual performance can be affected by so many regular and common life situations. Stress, grief, medications, illnesses and just plain old life in general are all real and very common things for anyone to come into contact with in their relationships. I know I've experienced it myself as well as from my partner in past relationships and sure it's frustrating and a bit embarrassing at times but making excuses and turning your partner away is a much deeper issue.

Well after I saw her update I see that his excuses are not due to impotency so I wrote:

 

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Oh so he isn't impotent.  He just doesn't want to have sex with you.  What does he say when you ask him for it?

 

[NeverDoneLearning]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well after I saw her update I see that his excuses are not due to impotency so I wrote:

 

 

Right. I still don't see a complaint regarding penis size which is what you stated in your comment, " Tell this to OP she is the one who complained about his penis being small.  I know enjoying sex isn't limited to the penis but to many women it is THE major player."

That's seems defensive as I still haven't read anything that suggests anything other than a complaint about a relationship in general with someone who happens to have a small penis. If I understand correctly we share the same view apart from that.. Unless I'm missing something, she resents the lack of sexual intimacy and effort on his part as her partner. I think the mention of size was more to indicate maybe a lack of self esteem or masculinity on his end which could very well lead to closing off sexually. 

My point being, A small or impotent penis is not a reason or excuse for not pleasing your partner. He needs to put in effort and that was one of the many things she was reaching out about. I support her desire to feel wanted and sexy and in that particular situation I believe there much more to be done on his part.

Edited April 28, 2020 by NeverDoneLearning

[FMW]

So what are you going to do, CrownJules?  You've stated twice now that you were conned.  That's a pretty serious indictment, one that indicates you aren't in any frame of mind to work on things.  Are you just waiting to go back to work before you leave him?  With the current state of things in the world, it might take a while to find a new job when so many jobs simply don't exist right now.  

If you're sure you're done, then don't waste any more time with him.  Figure out how you can make your exit.  

[BTDT2012]

How long did you date before you married him?

 

[SunnyDaze428]

On 4/28/2020 at 12:00 PM, NeverDoneLearning said:

Enjoying sexual experiences is not limited to the penis.  Although everyone's different you can still give a sexual, intimate, and satisfactory experience with out a big penis. Unless I'm missing something, this guy doesn't get a free pass because he has a small penis. Heck, even if he didn't have one at all. 

He thinks because he cant enjoy sex by pleasing me with hands, mouth, toys nothings in it for him so why bother. He actually yold me that.

[SunnyDaze428]

Let me add, he tells me "Theres nothing there! I have to pull it out to even pee". He blames it on his pituitary tumor flooding his body with prolactin (that causes ED). I think mentally he is s*** down to intimacy, hiding behind a computer looking a sexy women he cant have is safer than putting forth effort to be physical with me (a real woman). He has some hangup and doesnt want physical intimacy I guess. Maybe he feels too vulnerable. He said he is embarrassed by his penis, he showed me, it has literally shrank and nothing is there now.  He is a big man, linebacker football player size, but his penis when erect back when we first met, was small and thin. I think he enticed women to puruse him then held them back and instead bought presents, loaned them money, liked the attention but prevented anyone to get close for they would discover his small penis.  Yet he claims he has slept with a lot of women.  Maybe he fantasized that he did and thats all he can do, is fantasize and talk crude to make it seem like he is some macho lover.  Our sex life in the beginning was sad but he sure diid shower me with gifts and promises to reel me in. He can click on "Julianne Hough poses nude" articles online but claims he has zero sexual desire so why need to check her out if he cant get it up. The 10 minutes he spends reading that he spend pleasing me instead.

[SunnyDaze428]

On 4/28/2020 at 6:44 PM, NeverDoneLearning said:

Right. I still don't see a complaint regarding penis size which is what you stated in your comment, " Tell this to OP she is the one who complained about his penis being small.  I know enjoying sex isn't limited to the penis but to many women it is THE major player."

That's seems defensive as I still haven't read anything that suggests anything other than a complaint about a relationship in general with someone who happens to have a small penis. If I understand correctly we share the same view apart from that.. Unless I'm missing something, she resents the lack of sexual intimacy and effort on his part as her partner. I think the mention of size was more to indicate maybe a lack of self esteem or masculinity on his end which could very well lead to closing off sexually. 

My point being, A small or impotent penis is not a reason or excuse for not pleasing your partner. He needs to put in effort and that was one of the many things she was reaching out about. I support her desire to feel wanted and sexy and in that particular situation I believe there much more to be done on his part.

Exactly, the fact he doesnt make any attempts to please me, or make me feel desired, and then makes lewd comments about women or womens body parts directly to me, clicks online articles that he is clearly looking at for the women, its humiliating.  Yet Im supposed to accept him as he is, he says.  He never told me prior to marriage he would withhold sexual intimacy and physical touch. I was conned and lied to.

[IndigoNight]

Is the tumor in his pituitary gland inoperable? No amount of therapy, penis injections or ED meds will help if the tumor is causing his performance issues. I would imagine that some of what he does is an an attempt to compensate for his inability to perform sexually.

Have you talked to him about possibly satisfying you sexually using toys, or something other than PIV? Perhaps you could agree on a compromise; here satisfies you sexually, and you give him a massage so he can experience physical touch without worrying about his performance. You might have to get creative, but there are ways for both of you to (potentially) have at least she if your physical needs met.

He is probably pretty frustrated about the tumor affecting his ability to perform. Talking to you like one of the guys could be his way of avoiding intimacy. Being asked if he was gay, although understandable, had to be difficult for him. Most men get upset when their "manhood" gets questioned/threatened, and they don't have a tumor causing the problems.

Maybe they're isn't a way to fix things. It might be with going to a therapist who specializes in sexual disabilities to see if there is anything that can be done to help him, which in turn will help you.

[rjc149]

My take:

1. He is deeply ashamed and humiliated, and sexually insecure with himself, for not only having a small penis, but not even being able to get hard. I mean, talk about a double-whammy of emasculation here. He cringes at sensuality because he is profoundly uncomfortable with it. He compensates in any way he can -- the macho locker room jock talk, insisting on being a provider, etc. 

2. Having sex with the same, aging women over and over for the rest of your sexually active life gets, well, boring. Variety is the spice of life, and in the absence of multiple sexual partners, that variety and excitement is at every man's fingertips when he's alone surfing the net. Or, at the least the fantasy of it. Given that men these days sexually mature with internet porn, it's pretty understandable that porn addiction is so rife. Having missionary sex for the 50th time with the lights off with the same girl gets old quick for me I think many women will find themselves needing to incorporate porn and other non-vanilla things in order to enliven their sex lives with milliennial/GenY men. 

3. My eagerness and desire to please a woman with my mouth is 100% reliant on how clean and kempt she keeps down there, and how sexy her body is. Thunder thighs, foul odors (major deal-breaker), hairiness, roast beef labia, and I'm not going down there. That's shallow, I know. But a vagina can be gross to put your mouth on, so it's vagina-dependent. 

4. Maybe the "Brazilian penis enlargement" retort was a bit cruel? Unless it's known that you have a notably saggy butt?

[preraph]

18 hours ago, CrownJules said:

Let me add, he tells me "Theres nothing there! I have to pull it out to even pee". He blames it on his pituitary tumor flooding his body with prolactin (that causes ED). I think mentally he is s*** down to intimacy, hiding behind a computer looking a sexy women he cant have is safer than putting forth effort to be physical with me (a real woman). He has some hangup and doesnt want physical intimacy I guess. Maybe he feels too vulnerable. He said he is embarrassed by his penis, he showed me, it has literally shrank and nothing is there now.  He is a big man, linebacker football player size, but his penis when erect back when we first met, was small and thin. I think he enticed women to puruse him then held them back and instead bought presents, loaned them money, liked the attention but prevented anyone to get close for they would discover his small penis.  Yet he claims he has slept with a lot of women.  Maybe he fantasized that he did and thats all he can do, is fantasize and talk crude to make it seem like he is some macho lover.  Our sex life in the beginning was sad but he sure diid shower me with gifts and promises to reel me in. He can click on "Julianne Hough poses nude" articles online but claims he has zero sexual desire so why need to check her out if he cant get it up. The 10 minutes he spends reading that he spend pleasing me instead.

He probably did sleep with some women to see how it went, mostly women he never intended to see again.  I had a bf with ED and it was as if he wouldn't risk it with me because I meant something, but he'd try it with small blond really drunk girls as a one-off.  

 

So he has serious penis issues and it does sound serious and physiological.  I hope he's done all he can making sure it's not something life threatening and seen all the right doctors.  But yeah, sounds like he's going to be a very unhappy man in general because penises seem to be the Number 1 priority for men.   I mean, no way it's going to get better.  He's given up. He may try porn and may not be successful if his penis is actually shrinking.  Just be sure he's not in physical danger and that he's gone to the proper doctors before you bail.  If it was only this sex issue that was bad in the union, I would say "for better or worse," but his attitude is (kind of understandably) turned to crap and no one is going to be able to live with him, I don't think.  

[NeverDoneLearning]

On 5/3/2020 at 4:18 PM, CrownJules said:

He thinks because he cant enjoy sex by pleasing me with hands, mouth, toys nothings in it for him so why bother. He actually yold me that.

Well, on one hand that DOES really suck for him and I can't imagine being given that hand and being very happy about it. I myself have been in relationships that were almost void of physical intimacy and there were no ED problems or size issues. I loved one very much but we could not seem to meet in the middle and it turned into me being accused of being a "sex addict" for wanting sex more than once in a while (months!) and other quite horrible things that looking back now were obvious measures to avoid me asking for it or making it about me. Some of those took me years to get over. I've also realized that that being important to me does not mean something is wrong with me. Please don't internalize those feelings because they aren't true! 

My partner's feelings and fulfillment are just as important as mine are to me. Your husband seems stuck and has become seemingly selfish.. and is in obvious denial that taking care of you is important. My partner right now is healthy and able but any sign or anxiety or stress or lower self esteem ruins his erection. Not ideal for anyone and he is very aware of it. BUT he is dead set on giving me mine in whatever way he can. He jumps at the chance if I suggest it and many times even when I don't. He is willing and enthusiastic with me even if he cannot in that moment be that for himself and when he's ready I'm right there with him. The difference is we don't feel the need to prove ourselves to one another. After being in an essentially sexless marriage, yes sex of any kind is always appreciated but I realized too that the feeling that someone desires me and wants to touch me is almost more important. I want to be wanted and sometimes the want is there and the body isn't and I can deal with that because I know what I've communicated that I need is important to him. 

Your husband is not demonstrating that you are important and is essentially creating a self fulfilling prophecy of you not wanting him. Possibly so that he can not take any accountability for his piss poor attitude toward his life and toward you. Possibly because if he rejects himself and rejects you, then you can't reject him first. I'd assume if you husband was putting in effort and not making comments at your expense this would be a very different discussion. If he gave you intimacy in ways that he could not with his penis and treated you as a partner and an equal, the size of his penis or ED or tumors or whatever else would not be a daily ball and chain and you reciprocating that love, (whatever that looks like) could make for a perhaps different but better life together. I've also learned that if someone is just plain not willing to work with you or help themselves, there's two choices: Accept that person for who and what they are and stay, or accept that person for who and what they are and leave. 

[NeverDoneLearning]

On 5/3/2020 at 5:05 PM, CrownJules said:

Exactly, the fact he doesnt make any attempts to please me, or make me feel desired, and then makes lewd comments about women or womens body parts directly to me, clicks online articles that he is clearly looking at for the women, its humiliating.  Yet Im supposed to accept him as he is, he says.  He never told me prior to marriage he would withhold sexual intimacy and physical touch. I was conned and lied to.

 Women on TV or in articles or in porn are safe to him. They aren't going to see him or his penis and reject him that's the beauty of fantasy. Even people who have no ED problems watch porn because it's a safe experience but could never preform the same in real life. I agree though, it IS humiliating. Just because the blood isn't making it to his penis doesn't mean he isn't gaining some sort of gratification from it. Gratification he should be getting from you. Which can be a vicious cycle if you are not also getting it from him. I feel you. 

Yes. You were lied to. I can only trust what you're telling me. But the question is, what are you going to do with that information? This seems like a pretty deep but clear issue here. How long is one willing to compromise their own humanity and well being? Mine was about 11 years. It only ended because I ended it.

 

[stillafool]

On 4/27/2020 at 10:14 PM, CrownJules said:

 I have money to leave him, I just want to hold on to my savings, easier to have a job and steady income rolling in than spend all of that starting over.  I just can't keep living with someone who is more like a brother than a husband.  I appreciate all the advice and comments. 

You are going to have to spend money to move anyway so why not get a job and use some of your savings to move out if you're miserable.

On 4/27/2020 at 8:26 PM, CrownJules said:

 He says he loves me but wouldnt someone who loved me want to please me sexually at least every now and then? He does nothing. 

Not really.  There are a lot of couples who love each other but are no longer sexually attracted.

[NeverDoneLearning]

There's a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. 

[mark clemson]

There are indeed all kinds of love but the bottom line is if OP's seriously unhappy, she's seriously unhappy. His form of "love" is not for her, it would seem.

[FMW]

My ex husband and I still love each other.  But that doesn't mean he would be faithful to me, and it doesn't mean I ever want him to be part of my life again.